I had to let him in.
I wanted to believe that my will was not my own, that he was somehow compelling me to bend to his needs, but I can't be certain that it was true. Yes, his blood was in me, but it's been there for some time now. I could have stopped this sooner...earlier. It was just that, I couldn't handle being in control any more.
Before Gram died, she told me what to do: be nice, study hard, get good grades and practice your craft. "A house is built on a sturdy foundation of four corners"she'd said, and I mastered all of those corners every day. I smiled, I studied, I worked my ass off to be her perfect angel and I was. I basked in the glow of her pleasure.
And then she was gone.
Taken away from me in a matter of seconds, I lost my protector and shelter from the outside world. The compass that guided every direction I took in life was ripped from my hands and crushed by the foot of a cruel, harsh and very dark world. I was alone. It was more than losing a grandmother or a friend, I had completely lost my way. I floundered in confusion and I tried to keep the house on all four corners: I continued to be nice, I continued to study and practice and be Bonnie, but I had no one to praise me when I was done. I needed someone to guide me.
My grandmother was a kind and loving woman, but her hand ruled me life. I needed something to replace that. I had been guided by love once before and it nearly broke my soul when it was taken away...I could never let that happen again.
That was when I decided that my new master would have to be one who could dominate me with hate. If, or rather when, he left, my heart would be no worse for wear. I'd still have the structure and control I needed to function, but I'd be bound by cruel chains of ownership rather than the warm bonds of love. I vowed never to feel love again.
When he first came in, he walked right past me and sat on my Gram's sofa...now, his sofa I suppose. Everything I had belonged to him now, everything but my heart. I'd decided to hold on to that. Still, my will is his to take. A smirk and a hooked finger was all the invitation I received. Head bowed, I walked over and sat where he indicated – right on his lap.
He pushed my head onto his shoulder, opening my neck up for him. My eyes watered in delight – not because I loved the feeling or liked what he was doing to me – but because I was doing what was being asked of me. You see, that is what I'm good at, doing what I'm told. I know that now.
I thought about my new reality and realized that, as pure as my past had been with my grandmother, that's how dark my future would be with Damon. I would not change though personally change though, my existence would be the same: sweet, docile and submissive Bonnie.
The last thing I remembered was feeling the piercing of my skin and thinking that it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I felt hunger being disgustingly laced with lust. Slurps of need being mingled with rough kisses. Fangs that should have killed me, instead, being used to make marks of ownership.
I didn't return his kisses, but I didn't struggle. I wanted him to understand that I still hated him, but that I unfortunately needed him. I was using him for the same reasons he was using me. One of us had a will to dominate and the other had a need to submit.
Later
I was light headed from all of his attention over the past few hours. Was he going to kill me tonight? Now? Was he going to draw this out for the rest of the evening? This will only end one way for me, but I wonder if it'll happen tonight or many months from now. When he finally kills me, will it be forever or will I wake up the next day?
A/N: Thank you!
