A/N: Thanks to all those who reviewed, faved and followed!
Please Note: If you leave a super amazing insight, idea or comment as a Guest, I can't respond to it. And it woulda been a good one too. If you like the story, please take the time to leave a comment. It really makes my day to see what people think.
Chapter 2: All that I'm Living for-part two
I believe that dreams are sacred
Take my darkest fears and play them
Like a lullaby
Like a reason why
Like a play on my obsessions
Make me understand the lesson
So I'll find myself
So I won't be lost again
~Evanescence
Kate's eyes popped open early, as was her habit. She checked her watch….nearly six a.m. She almost felt rested. Despite being curled into his side all night, Kate woke up two or three times fighting her own demons.
She kept reliving it….his captivity and torture. She kept hearing his screams as they came up with a signature ending for the day's entertainment. She could see their faces…she could see Rick's face as he screamed in pain. She could see the fear in his eyes…then she was floating in a pool of blood….Rick's blood…it was everywhere…then it shifted…they were in the hospital...the blood was still there….except now it was hers…so much blood…she lay in the floor next to Castle's broken body.
She took a few deep, calming breaths and focused on forcing down the flashback and the anxiety that always followed. She needed to focus on something positive.
Rick was waking up today! Adrenalin shot through her at the thought.
As carefully as she could, she crawled out of the hospital bed and made sure that Rick was okay. She grabbed her phone and padded barefoot over to the sofa.
Her first text went to Captain Gates to let her know why she wouldn't be in today…or the rest of the week. The next one went to Lanie, giving her the updates. Kate asked her to spread the word to the boys and she would call her as soon as she knew anything else.
Kate's phone buzzed in her hand. She answered it automatically, not even glancing at the caller ID.
"Beckett"
"Good Morning, Katherine."
"Hey, Martha…is everything ok?"
"Yes, of course. Why do you ask?"
"Just checking, it's early for you to sound so alert."
"I'm on my way in and I wondered if you would like me to pick you up a coffee while I'm here." Martha's voice was swimming with excitement.
"Oh my god, Yes!" Kate replied fervently, "That sounds wonderful, thank you for thinking of me."
"Well of course, dear! You are family, you know…now text me how you take your coffee, because I will forget between here and the counter," she said with a self-deprecating chuckle. "Oh Kate! Isn't it just amazing…He's coming back to us today! Tell me dear; were you beside yourself when Alexis told you? I'm just so glad the day is finally here." Her voice changed…softened and Kate could hear the fear and relief mingle when she said, "My son is coming back to us today, Katherine! I'll see you in a few minutes."
Quickly, Kate texted Martha her coffee order, then all but ran down the hallway to change clothes. Normally she would have waited on Martha before leaving him to get dressed. They didn't like to leave him alone…but today was different. Today he was waking up…finally. And then it hit her… Alexis deliberately didn't tell her.
Kate's surprised at how angry and disappointed she feels. She understands that Alexis blames her for what happened to Rick…hell, she blames herself too…but she never thought the girl would stoop to something like this. She and Alexis would have to have a talk about crossing lines in their relationship…soon.
The floor was bustling with activity this morning and she saw the nurses making their rounds. It wouldn't be long before the respiratory team came to follow up on the order to remove him from the ventilator. She didn't want to miss it.
Kate made use of the facilities as fast as she could, then used the dressing area to change into her black jeans, a forest green T-shirt and a black pair of comfortable flats. She thought about Rick's progress over the last few days and smiled.
Weaning Rick from the ventilator had taken several days. First the deep sedation for pain had to be slowly withdrawn over time and the ventilator adjusted so that his body became more and more responsible for breathing on its own. The nurses assured her that Castle's weaning process had been smooth and easy. How he woke up might be another matter. She hoped he didn't wake up agitated and fighting the ventilator.
She took a few minutes to brush her hair so that it fell in long waves, naturally framing her face. Looking at herself in the mirror, she noticed the dark circles under her eyes. Even to herself, her cheeks looked a bit gaunt.
Grabbing her emergency make-up kit from her bag, she tried to cover the evidence of a month of high stress and sleepless nights. She checked her watch… 6:35. Gathering up her things, she headed back to Rick.
Guess I thought I'd have to change the world
to make you see me.
To be the one I could have run forever.
But how far would I have come
without mourning yourlove?
~Evanescence
She stepped inside his room and stopped. There standing next to his bed was Alexis. She looked surprised to see Kate.
"Good morning, Alexis. I thought you had a test this morning?"
"I…um…I must have read the schedule wrong…It's actually this afternoon, so I thought I would stop by here."
"You're a terrible liar." Kate smiled as she put her bag in the recliner.
Alexis leveled a glare at Kate, "Don't you have some criminals to catch? Maybe a couple of kidnappers?"
Nice shot, Becket admired her spunk, but ignored her comment.
"Alexis, I need you to come with me for a minute." Kate had on her cop face and her tone brooked no argument.
The young girl sneered at the detective and snapped out, "Why?"
"Because there's been a development in your Dad's recovery and we need to discuss it before he wakes up." Kate didn't think it was possible, but Alexis' already pale skin blanched at her announcement. 'Well, shit. She didn't mean to scare the girl.'
"Is he ok?" fear laced her voice.
"He's fine, but we don't need to discuss this here, let's go over to the family room." Kate nodded, indicating the empty waiting room across and down the hall. She reached the room and stood aside so that Alexis could enter first.
Alexis was frantically peeling through a dozen scenarios of what could be wrong with her dad. She heard the door softly click shut behind her. By the time she realized her mistake, it was too late. She was trapped between the door and a very scary Kate Beckett. Her hazel eyes felt like they were boring holes into Alexis, making her feel as if Kate knew exactly what she was thinking. Unconsciously, she took a step backward. She was beginning to feel a little out classed.
Kate very casually leaned against the door, crossed her arms and waited.
She kept her face expressionless as she reminded herself why she was doing this. This was about Rick and his recovery. That part had been the truth. They…the three of them…were Rick's recovery team and Alexis needed to start acting like a teammate, not a spoiled brat.
Alexis might not like it, but until Rick kicked her out, she was a part of this. That could be over in an hour or never, but until then, Kate was stepping up to lead the team. Rick asked her once to look after his daughter if anything ever happened to him. She had agreed, amused at his panicked belief that he was under a curse. But that didn't mean she hadn't meant it. And she would do whatever it took…surrogate parent, scary cop, CEO…but behavior was about to change around here.
Alexis broke first, "Why are we here, Kate?"
"You tell me, Alexis. Why are…WE …here?" Her hands moving back and forth indicating the two of them. Her words more of a challenge than a question.
"How the hell am I supposed to know?" she responded curtly. She changed her tone and went for mildly curious, " I have no idea what you think you're accomplishing with all this." She indicated the private room and Kate blocking the exit.
"You and I are about to get some things straight…for our relationship and for our family relationship." Kate said coolly, uncrossing her arms and slowly peeled away from the door.
She realized she was in full on cop mode. She knew she was intimidating her. She meandered around the room slowly, running her index finger along the top of the furniture as she spoke. "That is what we are accomplishing…with all this," she smiled as she pivoted, her arm sweeping ahead of her turn to indicate the private room and the closed door…"You and me. Woman to Woman."
"I don't know what you're talking about." Alexis swallowed hard. She realized that she was being toyed with by an expert. Somewhere she recognized disappointment in herself for not being able to stand up to it better, but she was totally mesmerized by Kate's movements as she casually drifted around the room.
"Is that so?" She asked, flashing a small smile. A smile that seemed slightly amused yet somewhat dangerous. "Take a seat." Kate flicked a delicate wrist, indicating one of a pair of chairs at a small table.
As Kate had hoped, the childish instinct to obey authority figures kicked in and Alexis sat without question. Unwittingly falling into the second trap. Now Beckett had height advantage and mobility. Perfect. She slowly walked by the table, dragging a fingertip along its top. She tapped her nail, making sure Alexis was watching.
"It seems someone deliberately neglected to tell me that they were going to wake your father up today," she said with a knowing look and a smile that did not reach her eyes.
Alexis was so distracted by Kate's hand that she couldn't hide her reaction fast enough. Her eyes widened in guilty surprise. Damn it! She busied herself stirring her coffee. She did feel bad about not telling her, she had ever since last night. She almost texted her from the elevators…but she was just so pissed at her! Everything could have changed. Was changing. Had changed…Hell she didn't know. Was she changing?
Kate was glad that Alexis at least had the decency to look ashamed for keeping the information from her. "How could you?" Kate asked accusingly. "I would never do that to you."
Alexis clenched her jaw and turned her head away. In all her life she had never felt this much emotion. She was terrified, relieved, happy, guilty and angry all at once! She was afraid to speak, in case things she couldn't take back came out.
When after a moment or two had passed and no reply came, Kate asked again, "Why are you so angry with me, Alexis?" She wasn't shouting, but it was close.
"Because all of this is your fault!" Alexis yelled, finally turning to face the older woman.
"My fault?" Kate asked quietly, sounding mildly surprised, goading her a bit more.
"Yes! If you had told him about the threat he would have been more alert and maybe he could have avoided their plan…or stopped it." It felt good to yell and fight with the person who was at fault…Finally! To feel like she was getting some kind of personal justice for her father and her family. Her heart was pounding.
"Bullshit." Kate had never spoken to Alexis like this before and the younger woman was stunned.
"What?!"
"No," Kate said, ignoring her outrage. "It's more than that."
Alexis could only stare.
"No," Kate began pacing slowly about the room, looking like she was mulling over the facts of a case. "Somewhere in that smart brain of yours, you've figured out something." She waved her hand vaguely as she disregarded the reasons Alexis had given her.
"Even if I had told him….those guys were still outside waiting for him." She began shaking her head and using her hands to make her points as she began digging deeper behind the lies and cover stories.
"So how do you explain that? Did they magically appear because I didn't pass along this vague threat that may or may not have even been credible? His kidnapping obviously was well planned and well executed…so you tell me Alexis…How is this my fault?"
"It's not." Kate answered for her before the girl could speak. "And you know that. You've known it from the start. So I keep asking myself, why would you want to hurt me like this? What have I done to you Alexis to deserve this?"
Alexis wanted to scream at her to shut up and leave her alone. She couldn't handle this with Kate. She thought she was ready…but she's not. Her life had never had this much chaos in it. She just wanted things to go back to normal. Was that so wrong? The way things used to be.
"You're angry at me and I get it. I do. And I've apologized…if I could have taken his place, Lexi, I would have. But the time to grow up and deal with this like an adult is now …instead of lashing out like an angry child."
Alexis put her face in her hands and propped her elbows on the table. Her fiery locks fell to frame her face. She was struggling to maintain her composure. She knew if she spoke much, or at all, there was a good chance she would break wide open…and she wasn't ready to deal with that…so she just sat. And waited.
Kate was right, she wasn't just mad at her over not telling her dad about the threat, but she wasn't really ready to think about, much less discuss it. She was still trying to work that out in her head. Usually she could always talk to her dad about anything, but not about this. Not about Kate.
She put her hands back on the table as Kate finally sat down across from her. Her face and posture was more relaxed and calm. She looked down at her hands, "I don't know what you want from me, Kate."
Kate watched as Alexis' body language changed subtly. It appeared little Castle wasn't ready to come clean just yet. She knew could break her. She knew she could force her to divulge what was really bothering her, but she wanted Alexis to be willing to tell her. At least she had confirmed one important detail….Alexis Castle was deeply bothered by Kate. She backed off and decided to try a different route.
"Alexis, look at me." Kate's voice was firm but gentle. When Alexis finally obeyed, she continued, "I love your Father. I love him like no one else on Earth." She tried to let her sincerity show…she hoped the younger girl could feel it. "And believe it or not…I love you too."
Tears started forming in Alexis' eyes at Kate's words and she could tell she was finally reaching her. "After my mom died and my dad dove into the bottle. I had no one. My life was torn upside down, literally, in a matter of moments. I essentially lost both parents that night. I was so pissed. But I didn't have anyone to take it out on or anyone to guide me through all the changes and emotions I was dealing with. I made a lot of bad choices."
"Why are you telling me this?" Alexis was confused and it showed on her face. Just two minutes ago, Kate had been crawling all over her, pressuring her to 'confess'. Now she's sitting here telling her that she loves her and that she understands where she's coming from? God if her world could just stop going crazy for like two seconds, that would be great! She needed to think!
"Because I love you. Because I don't want to see you make the kinds of bad choices I did. Anger, loss, confusion…they can make us do some pretty hurtful things. Not just to others, but to ourselves. Mistakes that can have long-term consequences."
"I told you before, you're not my Mom. You don't have to pretend to care about me. It's just us in here." It was said without malice, just a whispered statement of fact. Kate thought she saw something else lurking in those blue eyes.
"Yes, it is just us. Your dad's not in here to be impressed, neither is your grandmother. So please, I hope you believe me when I say, I love you. I love you, Alexis. I love Martha and I love your dad. I love your family and I hope I get to grow old with you guys." Kate's eyes began to tear up as she put it all out there for this young girl who had become so important to her over the last few years.
"And you're right. I'm not your mom. But so what? Why does our relationship have to be defined by anyone else's terms? Who says we can't be friends and care about each other? Look, I'm not telling you how to feel about me or anything else. Only you can decide that."
Kate reached across the small table and placed her hand gently over Alexis', "But I am asking for a chance to discuss it with you. When you decide you're ready to talk about why you're so upset with me, I would love the chance to make it right with you."
Alexis made some weird shrug/nod/shake motion that Kate didn't understand. But it wasn't a 'No', so she would take it as a win.
"Do you have any questions or anything for me?" Kate was hoping for something…some sign that Alexis wanted to make a move towards progress. She waited… Nothing.
She finally asked with a weak smile, "Is there really a development in Dad's recovery?"
Kate put her cop face back on. "Yes, there is. The development is…he is waking up today and you and I have to find a way to get along. I was hoping this would get better with time, but….time runs out today." Kate's tone had become serious.
His daughter nodded. "I agree, it will stress him out if he thinks we're fighting."
"If he senses tension between us, the stress could hinder his recovery. It might even cause him to relapse and neither one of us wants that." Kate pressed the point. "I won't allow that."
Again, the redhead nodded in agreement.
Kate stood, even in flats she towered over Alexis. Pressing that advantage, she stepped close enough so that she forced the young woman to look up to meet her eyes.
"Okay….so here is how it's going to be. No more snide remarks, no more angry comebacks. No more tension, no more lies and half-truths. You and I are going to act like everything is fine between us. Hugs, smiles and friendliness will abound. Am I clear?"
Kate hadn't asked for her agreement to this deal, but Alexis knew there was no real choice. Aside from the fact that she would never hurt her dad, she was positive she would not like whatever happened when you crossed Kate Beckett. Alexis dropped her gaze to the floor and nodded, wiping at her eyes.
"Good." Kate gently reached out and softly squeezed the girl's shoulder. They probably both needed a moment apart. "Why don't you go grab a refill and freshen up before your Dad wakes up. I'll meet you back in his room?"
Alexis nodded. She walked past Kate but stopped and turned at the door. "Kate…for what it's worth…I'm sorry I didn't tell you they were waking him up today. You didn't deserve that."
"Thank you, Alexis." Kate smiled reassuringly, "I appreciate that."
Alexis nodded and left.
As soon as the girl was gone, Kate dropped her head into her hands and just sat for a moment. She really wanted a great relationship with Alexis and she hoped she hadn't just ruined any chances of that ever happening.
6:25 a.m.
Martha Rodgers felt like finding a private corner to hide in and have a very private breakdown. Two weeks in the Hamptons sounded about right. As soon as Richard could travel she wanted them to go down as a family and reconnect. Do some laughing and crying together…healing together. Somewhere they could walk outside without getting set upon by photographers and reporters.
Arriving at the hospital, her driver opened the car door and helped her out. Martha was busy trying to balance two coffees and a box of pastries when a few reporters started taking pictures and yelling out questions:
"Ms. Rodgers! Your granddaughter just arrived…is something wrong?"
"Is Mr. Castle okay? When is he being released?"
"Can you give us an update, Ms. Rodgers?"
"Is it true his current girlfriend and his exes have been fighting over him?"
Martha's driver was doing his best to shield her, walking beside her with an umbrella covering her. Martha spoke to the reporters as she walked towards the entrance.
"We are just both here to see him, that's all. He is getting better. Thank you for asking." She gave them her Broadway smile and sailed inside.
Riding the elevator up to Richard's floor, she thought about how much worse the press had been at the beginning of all this.
For the first two weeks, the press had been horrible. Pouncing on them whenever and wherever they went…flashes and camera lights blinding them, microphones shoved in their faces until Martha wanted to scream! This was her son! Not just some injured celebrity!
Paula and Gina had shown up at the ER that first night scared and concerned for Richard. Gina gravitated immediately to Alexis and stayed with her until Meredith could fly in from LA the next day.
Paula, after hugging Martha and Alexis and getting what details she could on Rick, had done what Paula usually did. Make things happen. She got them in a private waiting room, put her own security outside the door to keep out reporters and had Meredith booked on a plane to New York for the next day. She already had a car scheduled to pick her up outside baggage claim.
Between them Paula, Gina and Meredith had come together to handle the press long term. They were the ones giving the interviews trying to keep the wolves away from Martha, Alexis and Kate. Paula and Gina wrote the blurbs that were released to the news.
Paula kept the gossip rags updated while Gina handled National releases. Meredith, being the actor and the mother of his only child, handled the TV interviews.
Oh, she knew all three women had a vested interest in his recovery and there were profits to be made from all of this, but they weren't motivated by that…they all loved her son and granddaughter in their own way. And thank goodness, because Martha knew she couldn't have handled dealing with the press, too, on top of everything else.
The elevator finally arrived and she stepped off just in time to see Kate disappearing around a corner down the hallway, on her way to Rick's room.
Perfect timing, she thought with a smile. A score of strides later and she was turning the corner to head towards his room. Martha came to a complete stop at what she saw. Kate and Alexis were heading toward a waiting room. Alexis looked mad and Kate looked like…well…like Detective Beckett. Oh dear, thought Martha, she hoped Kate knew what she was doing.
Without hesitation, Martha followed the two women and stood outside the closed door. She would wait right here and make sure they were not disturbed. Yes, yes. That was her duty…No reason she shouldn't listen in though, she told herself.
She scooted closer to the door, trying to look nonchalant. Not an easy task in a watermelon and pink pantsuit.
The doorknob turned suddenly and Martha jumped back in surprise.
She watched as Alexis left the room and headed down the hallway. She knew the girl had seen her, but she let her go without speaking. Apparently, Alexis needed time to process the talk and the new rules that had been laid down to her by none other than Kate Beckett.
She entered the room and walked over to Kate, handing her the coffee she was waiting on.
"Excellent timing!" Kate flashed a smile at Castle's mom. "Thank you, I can really use this." As usual she gulped down the first sip, holding her cup with both hands.
"So, how did your talk go with Alexis?"
"You know?" Kate was surprised.
The older woman nodded, "I got here just as you were coming in…I heard you and decided to guard the door."
"Martha Rodgers! Were you eavesdropping?" Kate couldn't help but laugh at that, it was so typical.
Martha smiled and admitted to it without hesitation or shame, "Of course I was." Her blue eyes, so similar to her son's, looked at Kate, "I'm not sure anyone, other than her Father, has ever spoken to her like that."
"Oh god, Martha…I'm so sorry. If I've overstepped…"
"Don't be silly. I'm just glad you finally decided to talk to her." She looked awkward and nervous suddenly and she began to fidget with her rings. Finally she sighed, "Can I confess something to you, Katherine?"
At Kate's nod she continued, "I've been aware of the tension between you and Alexis for some time…and I'm sorry…But I just had to stay out of it."
She gently reached out and touched Kate's cheek, sliding a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "I tried a couple of times to steer her…but I couldn't afford to alienate my only grandchild…especially if…well…if things had not turned out like they have."
She meant if Rick had died, Kate realized
She stood and pulled the older woman in for a reassuring hug.
"It's Ok, Martha. Really. This is between the two of us and I—"
"Oh for Pete's sake!" Guilt laced her voice. "I practically threw you under the bus! On top of everything else that you're dealing with…leaving you to deal with my granddau—"
"Yeah, well, it's ok. Look, if Rick and I are going to continue our relationship, which I hope he still wants to, then Alexis and I are going to have to find our own way."
Martha pulled back from their hug and put her hands on the younger woman's shoulders. "What do you mean if he still wants to? Richard will not give up on you over a slight disagreement."
"It wasn't a slight disagreement, Martha." Kate started pacing as her thoughts propelled her. "I went on a job interview in D.C., I lied to him…I really hurt him." She turned pleading eyes to Castle's mom. "And I didn't mean to. I just didn't know what to do or how to tell him without feeling like I was pressuring him. I didn't want him to feel like I was trying to force a commitment from him."
Martha arched one eyebrow and gave Kate a pointed good-natured glare. "If he has stuck with you through bombs and freezers and serial killers…do you honestly think an argument is going to make him leave you?" She rolled her eyes at Kate and said teasingly, "And you call yourself a detective."
"Thanks, Martha," Kate smiled in some relief, "I don't know what I would do without you."
"Right back at ya, Kiddo."
All that I'm living for
All that I'm dying for
All that I can't ignore alone at night
All that I'm wanted for
Although I wanted more
Lock the last open door
my ghosts are gaining on me
~ Evanescence
The murmur of voices seeped into his consciousness. What were they saying? He didn't try to move. His head felt heavy and his thoughts were foggy. He tried to take stock of his situation. His pain wasn't as bad as yesterday…but his mind was blurry…they must have drugged him. Had they moved him? What were they going to do to him? He could feel a cold rush as adrenalin coursed through his veins.
The voices were coming closer. There seemed to be more of them. Fear began to creep into his chest. He could feel his heart beginning to pound. He tried to swallow…Oh god…they have something down his throat….what are they going to do now!?
Suddenly, someone opened first one eye then the other…blinding him with a bright light…he couldn't see where he was…just the light. They started calling his name. He knew this part…they woke him up…turned on some lights…then the beatings….
"He's responsive. Wake him up." A man's voice…room spinning, he felt like he was falling.
He could hear more voices now…and some whirring noises and beeps that didn't make sense. He felt hands grabbing him. No! No more beatings…no more torture! He'd rather die. He tried to open his eyes…but the room was spinning in white circles….faces passing by in a blur.
"Mr. Castle? Can you hear me? We need you to wake up now." The young respiratory therapist was calling to him.
He leaned over, got closer to the patient, and tried again. "Mr. Castle?"
Castle opened his eyes just a crack. His vision was still blurry but he could see HIS shadow. Pain…gonna… hurt him… again. Rick was desperately trying to clear the clouds in his brain. He had to take this chance…drugged or not. Maybe he could take out one at least….said they were gonna kill him…HE was leaning down again…"
Rick reached up and grabbed his captor by the throat. He squeezed as hard as he could…but his grip was weak…he had to make it strong enough to kill him!
His kidnapper was struggling, trying to pull Rick's hand from his throat. Come on Castle!
He had to get out! He couldn't die here! His shoulder was on fire…the other one must be trying to stop him from killing his brother! He could feel his strength fading…he wasn't gonna make it…already he could feel his grip slipping…
"Get him sedated now! He's fighting it."
"Wait" One of the team called out. "He's not fighting the vent…He's fighting you."
"Get the family over here. See if they can calm him down or we will have to put him back under."
Noooo! They had his family! He tried again to tighten his grip but suddenly someone took his hand….a face floated above his head….His eyes grew wide trying to focus…
"Richard…can you hear me? Sweetheart, it's time to wake up now.
That wasn't HIS voice. That sounded like his mother!...Please god no! Not his Mother…she would never survive the beatings!
"Dad?! Daddy? Wake up, Daddy. Please. You're in the hospital…It's ok."
His eyes came into focus…at least enough to sort of make out the features of his Mother and his Daughter. Smiling at him….but there was something in their faces…wait…hospital?…was he? Was he out? Where was Kate? They said they were going after her next! Did they find her?
He frantically tried to say her name…ask where she was but he couldn't talk!….he tried to look around the room but he couldn't move his head much. His heart started pounding harder…did they get her too? Tears began running down his cheeks.
"Don't try to speak, Son." Martha squeezed his hand, trying to reassure him. Smiling into his eyes, hoping her fear wasn't showing.
"Blood pressure and heart rate are still rising," someone announced.
"Ms. Rodgers, we need to sedate him and try again tomorrow." The Respiratory therapist spoke gently.
"Wait…"
"Ma'am we don't need to wait…"
Martha turned to Kate, "Why aren't you up here? Come on Kiddo; see if you can get through to him!"
Martha and Alexis stepped aside and Kate was there in a heartbeat, touching his arm and leaning over so that he could see her. She flashed him her 1,000-watt smile… the one she saved only for him.
Another face floated above him. He tried to see who…It was Kate. Kate was alive. Thank God. He stared into her eyes and knew everything was going to be ok.
The result was immediately noticeable by everyone in the room. The fight just went right out of him. His fists unclenched by his sides and his eyes, now much calmer, stared into those of his partner's.
Kate remembered the briefing they had gotten about waking him up. She needed to reassure him quickly.
"Hey, Blue Eyes." She smiled gently at him and touched his cheek with her fingertips. "Can you understand me?" His vitals were beginning to normalize.
He managed a small nod of his head. The room spun like mad. He reached for her hand and held on as tight as he could. She was alive. He was alive.
"Rick, I need you to listen Babe. You are going to be fine. Everyone is fine, okay?
He nodded, eyes still searching hers. The room spun again…his stomach lurched…no more nodding. He tried to tell her he loved her.
"Rick…you're on a ventilator…that's why you can't talk. It's been helping you breathe. They need to take you off the machine because you can breathe on your own now. Blink three times if you understand…can you do that?"
Blink. Blink. Blink. No spinning…Rick decided that blinking is much better than nodding.
"Ok, listen to me Sweetheart…I'm going to move out of their way and you need to follow their instructions…we'll be able to talk after that if you feel like it." She started to pull her hand away.
Rick tightened his grip. No! He didn't want her to go. He tried to tamp down on the rising fear at the idea of her letting go. If she let go, this might all go away…and then he wouldn't be ok anymore…she had to stay…she couldn't leave him…
One of the respiratory therapists noticed Rick's anxiety and tapped Kate on the shoulder. She smiled, "You don't have to let go…if you can just scoot back a bit, we can work around you. She turned to her patient, "Will that be ok, Mr. Castle?"
Blink. Blink. Blink.
The therapist informed him what they were about to do. He blinked his understanding and the whole procedure was over in just a matter of moments. After making sure that he was breathing and getting enough oxygen on his own, the respiratory team finished up with their jobs and left.
"Mr. Castle. Hi, I'm Amy and I will be your nurse today. I'm going to need both your hands I'm afraid. Your family will be right over here on the sofa, okay? You can still see them and we can get you taken care of. Deal?"
Rick nodded carefully. The spinning was better this time. The nurse reminded him of Snow White and her voice was too perky. Very irritating. Kate was moving away to hug his mom and Alexis. He felt dizzy and everything hurt.
The nursing staff was busily going through their routines, asking questions he could barely croak out answers to, changing bandages and taking his vitals. They drew blood and adjusted the meds in his IV. They also adjusted the bed so that he was sitting up a bit. He felt like he was floating as the pain meds started kicking in from the IV drip. His vision was getting a little blurry but he was smiling at what he saw.
Rick watched his family sitting on the sofa and smiling at him. He could tell they were eager for the nurses to leave so they could be with him. He was too. He swallowed. Damn! His throat hurt like hell. The room was still spinning, and he couldn't keep his eyes open and focused.
After making certain he was comfortable, Amy spent the next several minutes going over the instructions for his care with the three women. Finally, she gave a parting smile and left them alone.
As soon as Nurse Amy left, they all converged on the bed ready with smiles and greetings that died on their lips. Rick's eyes were closed and his breathing was deep and even.
"Well, crap!" exclaimed Alexis. She looked at the other women, "I really wanted to talk to him for just a minute." Tears of frustration and dismay welled up in her electric blue eyes.
"Yeah, I think we all did," Kate smiled tentatively at his disappointed daughter. "Don't worry, he'll wake up again soon and you'll get your chance."
"So much for a grand reunion," Martha quipped as she draped an arm around Alexis' shoulders.
Kate couldn't hide her disappointment that he was asleep, but as she took his hand she was just grateful he was alive. When it was all said and done, she hoped that he would be able to forgive her. For D.C., for lying, for almost getting him killed.
He was so good for her. Good to her. And she knew she had hurt him badly. That's all she ever seems to do, she realized. Maybe the questions she should be asking herself were, 'Was she good for him?' 'Could she ever be good enough for Rick?'
She didn't know, but she knew she desperately wanted to be. She had already lost so much, she wasn't sure she could survive losing him too. Kate prayed for his forgiveness but she was preparing herself for the worst.
Should it hurt to love you?
Should I feel like I do?
Should I lock the last open door?
My ghosts are gaining on me.
~Evanescence
A/N: I apologize for the length of this chapter! I couldn't find a good stopping point. I hope you enjoyed it. There is a very bumpy road ahead.
Please take ten seconds to let me know what you think?
If you are or have ever been an aspiring writer, you know how important reviews and comments are.
Don't make me beg! Because I will…it's really kinda sad. Have a great day!
