Gibbs is standing outside. It's raining now, and Gibbs hopes it continues because it's soothing. He wants to yell at McGee, tell him to suck it up, but he just can't find it in him to be mad at anyone but himself. He knows he should've waited for backup, but it was urgent, and the intel was supposed to come from NCIS so he trusted them, trusted his Agency, and they were wrong at the worst time. The door Tony had entered had been boobytrapped, and instead of saving himself like he should've done, the idiot came to rescue them. Gibbs hates that about Tony, he always sacrifices himself for the sake of others and Gibbs wants to beat the shit out of him for doing it because it's ruining Gibbs's sleep, and his resolve. He's lost count of the times when he's kept vigil at Tony's side in the hospital, but today it's different, tonight he can't keep vigil at Tony's bedside because Tony's going to need a sterile enviroment and surgery to remove the piece of jacket that's melted and blended with the melted skin.

"Hello Jethro," Ducky's voice says next to him. Gibbs doesn't want to answer, doesn't want to speak, because he won't cry, and he's not weak. He won't cry because that would make this nightmare real, and Gibbs doesn't want it to be real, it's not supposed to be real. Shit like this only happens in the movies Tony always talks about, it doesn't happen in real life because that's just plain wrong, and Tony's not supposed to be in the hospital fighting to live when Gibbs for once decided to trust the intel he'd gotten, not found. "I thought you might be needing this," Ducky says softly and Gibbs looks down, sees the cup of tea and nods. It's true that he mostly drinks coffee but the last time he went to the doctor it was because Tony forced him after finding him puking in the mens room at work. The doctor had said that he needed to cut back on the coffee to avoid an ulcer, and Tony had just smiled and patiently helped Gibbs find a tea he could be satisfied with. It tasted a little like water, but also like memories of a grinning Tony, and obviously Ducky knew or he wouldn't bring Gibbs that particular tea that smelled like memories of Tony grinning at him. "Anthony and I do speak on occasion when we're not working," Ducky gives a knowing smile. "He's not going to die."

"Don't say that...don't say shit like that Duck, he's got burns! He got tossed at least ten feet! He's broken, Duck, he's in there and he's...he's broken," Gibbs says, and he never wanted to say it because it makes it sound like Tony's a damn toy for him and he's not, he's love, and kisses, and sex, and forever, and Gibbs's world is falling apart now that Tony could die in that damn hospital. And it's all Gibbs's fault, so he wants to punch someone, maybe even Ducky for telling him lies, for trying to convince him to believe his heart that tells him that Tony will survive. Gibbs's brain has already added the injuries into a clusterfuck of other worldly dimensions, something no one can come back from, and suddenly Gibbs reaches for his own throat and finds the round metal rings in a chain dangling from his neck. He closes his hand around the two rings and closes his eyes.

"I always suspected that was how you were connected," Ducky says and Gibbs sinks down, back against the cement wall. It's cold, and it's wet, and it's nothing like Tony's arms and Tony's smile and it's exactly what he needs so he won't punch anyone, not even Ducky. "Anthony loves you very much Jethro."

"We fought," Gibbs says finally, eyes open but not really seeing anything but the scene from this morning where Gibbs called Tony a damn mistake, and Tony cried, and Gibbs told Tony he was a stupid mistake that turned into something that smothered Gibbs, that always wanted to be around because Gibbs was too scared to admit he loved Tony and would always love him. "I told him...I told him he was smothering me. He took the ring off its chain and gave it back to me, Duck. I told him that he was a mistake...and he still protected me..." Gibbs wants to cry but he can't because then it'll all be real, all the words he spoke, all the headslaps, and the smell and taste of burning flesh will return and Gibbs figures he might just die if that happens.

"You'll have a chance to make it right," Ducky says, and Gibbs snorts because this time, Ducky might be wrong, and Gibbs doesn't want Ducky to jinx it. Gibbs knows it's stupid, he shouldn't believe in stuff like that but having Tony around could make him believe unicorns lived on pluto and danced in fields of marhsmallow covered sugarcanes, because that's how Tony is, Tony makes you believe anything is possible, that you can be someone important in his life, and when he makes you believe it, you usually are. And Gibbs trampled that by telling Tony he was a mistake.

"You're not a mistake," Gibbs mutters under his breath, "I love you Tony...I love you," and he falls apart, tears slipping down his face as arms settle around him. They're not Tony, but they'll do today, since Tony can't do it, and since Tony's fighting for his life. Gibbs will settle for Ducky and his words and his arms today because he knows this is real, he knows, in his heart, that he might be getting another chance with Tony, and he's determined to fight for that chance, and to love Tony for all he's worth and that's pretty damn much all Gibbs has ever wanted to do. To love someone. To love Tony.

"You'll get to tell him," Ducky assures Gibbs and Gibbs nods, because there's nothing else he can do, and because he wants to believe Ducky's words and Ducky's actions. He wants to believe Ducky can protect him from bad news just for tonight, just until Tony turns a corner and wakes up with a grin, telling Gibbs he's a worrywort and then proceeds to laugh at him. Just for tonight, he lets Ducky have control of them all, because Ducky's lived longer than any of them after all, and Gibbs tries to believe that Ducky's always right, which he really is most of the time. "You'll get to tell him," Ducky repeats and Gibbs decides to believe him, just for tonight.

-0-

AN: Soooo...my mind's a bit dark these days it seems. Anyway, enjoy, and there'll be another chappy posted tomorrow :D