Hey! So, chapter 2. Fun. Russia. More fun. I really like Russia as a character because he's cruel and can't follow social cues, but Himaruya has directly stated that Russia is unaware of his general cruelty and awkwardness. He's a fun character to write about, but he's also really hard to write with because of this. So this chapter was both fun and annoying to write. Double combo! Hope you like it! Also, thanks to thatrandomguy for reviewing on my last chapter. I'm glad you liked it!
The Kievan Rus
Chapter 2
Explain
Russia
"I don't think people understand how stressful it is to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself."
- Sara Quin
Ivan had no idea why he did the things he did.
Absolutely no clue.
Sometimes, he'd just suddenly snap and rouse later, not remembering anything that he did, hands covered in the blood of those he held close to him. The feeling waking up later with no memory felt like being doused in the face with a bucket of ice and freezing cold water, and the feeling of realizing that he had snapped again felt like a dozen sharp punches to the groin, except the pain was in his heart.
It hurt even more when he was told what he had done.
Later, people would stay away from him, send him worried, scared looks and stay as far away from him as humanly possible, lest he snap again and hurt them this time around. Fear kept them away from him, and he hated being alone, so he'd use force to make them stay with him.
Most of the time, that was more effective at doing the opposite of the intended and only strained their relationships more and actively and efficiently shoved them even further away than letting them go peacefully would have.
This sort of behavior taught him that people were precious possessions, objects, even, that Ivan would have to claim and defend to keep them from leaving, and if they still persisted in attempts of leaving, he'd have to break them to get them to stay.
That made them resent him more.
And he'd snap.
Blood-coated hands, waking up when he was already wide awake, tears, Ivan was used to it all.
He just never knew how to explain it.
People would demand an explanation, ask him why, and he'd try to tell them that he didn't know. He never knew why he snapped, and he was doubtful that he'd learn in the future.
They'd just give him a questioning look or a doubtful glare that suggested that they didn't believe that. Ivan could tell that they probably believed that he was lying to maintain his "good reputation."
Not that he necessarily had one.
He could tell from the way Raivis stuttered when speaking to him, from the way Lithuania shook when he touched him, from the was Estonia had the tendency to mess something up that he normally aced when Ivan wasn't in the room, from the way people got jittery around him, and from the way that the others avoided him that he was feared, and being feared is not the same as being loved.
Then there were the exceptions. There was Alfred, who'd normally greet him with some sarcastic remark and a grin when he'd enter the room, but Alfred greeted everyone that way.
There was Ludwig, who was normally impassive to Ivan's anger, and reacted quite calmly when he snapped. But Ludwig always acted that way to everyone, and never seemed to show any sort of fear.
There was Gilbert, whom, back during the era of the Berlin Wall, would never stop rebelling in some secret way against Ivan, even when he had pledged his allegiance to Russia. But Gilbert would never give up and stop questioning authority, that kid was just too stubborn to do so.
Then there was Katyusha, but even she was afraid of him at times. He had snapped with her on the occasion, mainly during the era of the Soviet Union and during World War Two, and she had forgave him, or so she claimed, but he could see the fear in her eyes on the occasion that he came close to snapping, and the pain in her eyes when talking with him about it. Those scars he had given her would always remain, and that stung a lot. She loved and had forgiven him, but that didn't erase the fear.
Then there was Natalya. She loved him, but he always pushed her away because not only was she his sister, but she had never seen him snap. He wasn't sure how this was possible, because she was always clinging to him in one way, shape, or form, but she had never seen him snap, let alone be the victim of a snapping, and she didn't know how much of a monster he truly was. He had to protect her from that, lest he lose the one person who didn't fear him.
Snapping destroyed him inside bit by bit, and it isolated him further and further from those he loved but didn't love him back, and propelled him further into an eternal winter of sadness and snow and the cold.
He'd always try to apologize after snapping, but words meant nothing, he had learned, and promises to never do it again were very hard to withhold, especially when he had no control over the matter. And it stung, seeing the people he viewed as friends be pushed away by his own behavior. He tried to comprehend that he hurt them, and that he was cruel to him, but he carried no memory of ever acting that way and didn't know how to stop acting like that.
Those who didn't know him well would always demand an explanation for why.
Explaining it was the hardest.
He didn't understand how people worked, how to follow social cues, what was and wasn't normal.
Years of abuse, fighting, warfare, internal fighting, and psychological damage had cracked his mind and left it wide open to damage and reception of the abnormal.
His mind was cracked as a result of this, held together only by a few fraying, delicate threads that could snap and break at any given moment.
He didn't understand himself and why his mind worked the way it did.
How could he be expected to understand, let alone explain himself?
"From the outside looking in, it's hard to understand. From the inside looking out, it's hard to explain."
- Unknown
A/N: Ok. So discussion time. One of my headcanons is that Russia is prone to periods where he just snaps, and rouses from that later, with no memory of what he has done. Another one is that the Soviet Union had a personification with no body, so it took residence in Russia's body, and when Russia randomly snaps or hurts someone, it is because Soviet has taken control. Russia can still hear Soviet sometimes as a voice in the back of his mind, and Soviet scares him. A lot. More than Belarus ever could. (Sorry Bela, but you do scare him.) At more than one point in history did Russia hurt Ukraine. (I'm talking about the countries now.) A good example of this was the Holodomor in Soviet Ukraine, which was a man-made famine. It's a little controversial on the topic of why the Soviet government ordered it, but the gist of it is that the government sharply increased Ukraine's production quotas, ensuring that they could not be met, starvation became incredibly common, and later the government passed laws allowing execution for stealing even the tiniest bit of food. There's more information at website online. It was a sick time, and there were other events, some much more recent than others that it would have made sense for Russia to have snapped with Ukraine. Russia wants to kind of protect Belarus and ensure that he doesn't snap with her, but it's hard for him to do when she clings to him. Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter, and thanks for taking the time to read it! Please leave a review, I don't bite, I swear! Ciao!
