The Harem Lifestyle of Kyon – A Haruhi Suzumiya Fanfic

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing when it comes to the Haruhi franchise. I would love to own Mikuru-chan though.

Kyon's life becomes a dating sim. Will it turn out to be a good experience for him or not?

Yay, an update! Might be the last one for a while, folks. Sorry. I'll try, but I'm going to be busy. Enjoy!

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Chapter 2: Seduction & Swimwear

Class proceeded to begin. Due to my ponytail fetish (ahem, I mean my slight enjoyment in seeing girls with ponytails), I found myself constantly looking back at Haruhi. I don't know if her head itched, but every time I looked back, she seemed to be shaking her ponytail, probably to try and scratch the itch without touching it. Some girls will really go to lengths not to mess up their hair, huh.

Lunchtime came, with Taniguchi, Kunikida and I discussing the upcoming exams and the stress they brought on. Taniguchi went on to say that the pressure of the exams was affecting his ability to flirt with girls. Surprisingly, it was Kunikida who retorted responding, "I think the odds are that it is not the pressure that's affecting your flirting ability." Even when poking fun at our classmate with the flirting-with-girls success rate of a three-year-old hitting a homerun off of a major league ace using the handle of a mop, the quiet Kunikida was polite and well spoken. If it were I who poked fun at Taniguchi, it would probably involve the aforementioned baseball analogy. However, I decided not to waste my breath on such a topic.

Haruhi had run out of the classroom to do her daily break routine at the beginning of lunch, but as the end approached, she was not back yet. Not that I was concerned or anything. She finally returned as the bell rang and I noticed that the bells were still playing that tune and not the usual "ding, dong, ding, dong". Hmm, perhaps the school board believes a catchy tune will inspire students, thusly raising the yearly test average here. Trust me, it'll take more than a song to raise mine.

The afternoon went by as quickly as a fighter jet at full speed in a forty-meter race. Surprisingly, I did not fall asleep in class. I even took decent notes somehow! This must be good karma for going to sleep early like a good boy last night. I headed to the clubroom feeling productive.

Knocking on the door to make sure my starry-eyed senpai was fully changed. Hearing the sweet "hai!" I entered, only to find that Asahina-san wasn't exactly in her maid costume. She wasn't exactly dressed completely either. Wearing pink lacy lingerie, she looked at me and gave me a beautiful smile of pure innocence, something that definitely did not fit the moment. Then she did another uncharacteristic thing, she closed the door and put a chair in front of it. "H-hi, Kyon-kun! Let me get you some tea."

Umm, Asahina-san, you're in your underwear. You just closed the door and put a chair in front of it. Why are you acting like normal?

"D-d-don't you like it, Kyon-kun?" To say that I "liked" it would be a graphic understatement. But if Haruhi or Nagato or Koizumi comes in, they'll get the wrong idea! I will no doubt be blamed for this!

"Don't w-worry, Kyon-kun," she said as she walked towards me with my cup of steaming hot tea. Bouncy, bouncy! I must stop looking before unclean thoughts raid my head. Asahina-san continued, "Suzumiya-san has cleaning duty, Nagato-san is at the computer club and Itsuki-kun told me he would be late. We have time… t-t-take me, m-m-make me yours, Kyon-kun."

Ehh?! What did you just say? What the hell is going on here? Ah, I hear the third-year exams have driven many students insane. This is probably the case for Asahina-san. I mean she's already about as sharp as a marble so I'm sure the stress of the exams got to her. I wonder if I will experience the same dementia next year. This was not the time to think of this though.

Wondering what I could possibly do, I immediately looked up at the ceiling, praying to every deity that I had knowledge of for firm resolve in a situation like this. It didn't come. It also didn't help that Asahina-san kept creeping closer all the while. This is sexual harassment, Asahina-san! I intend to say it, but I believe that the hot-blooded male libido of mine doesn't mind. As she came closer, she closed her eyes and moved her head towards me. What do I do? Then my salvation came.

Or was it the worst possible thing that could happen to me?

Haruhi, still wearing that scrumptious ponytail, had arrived and she had kicked the door open with such force that the chair went flying towards me and hit me in the head, knocking my face into Asahina-san's chest. OUCH! However, the reward was that the gorgeous senior's scent was invigorating and got my pulse going. She squealed as I said to myself, "Oh, there's that mole."

"YAHO-… KYON. WHAT. THE. HELL. ARE. YOU. DOING?" Umm, enjoying the view? Crap, that was the wrong choice of words.

"PERVERT! IDIOT! GET OUT WHILE WE CHANGE!" Just to let you know, Haruhi, this is in no way my fault. Yeah, like she'll believe me. Sitting outside the door, I heard Haruhi saying things like, "What did that pervert do to you, Mikuru-chan? I'll punish him!" along with the usual fabric rubbing, the regular "KYAA! Not there, Suzumiya-san!" and the normal "Ooh, Mikuru-chan your body is so firm!" Of course, none of this helped quell the powerfully burning fire that my raging hormones had produced. After a good ten minutes and a glare from Haruhi that could kill a small animal, I was let back into the clubroom, only to find that Haruhi and Asahina-san were both wearing bikinis.

Ah, so this is why Haruhi said I'd enjoy today's meeting.

HEY! WAITAMINUTE! "I saw Asahina-san in the same amount of clothing and you screamed at me for it, but now you're both wearing the same amount of clothing and it's fine?" Glancing at Haruhi's face was a challenge; my eyes kept getting tempted to go down and scan her incredibly well fit body. She eats about six plates of food when we go to the coffee shop before city searches. Where does it all go? Her incredibly hyper metabolism probably burns off all that food in a few minutes.

"Shut up, Kyon! Underwear and swimwear are different! And while we're at it, I'm going to assess your penalty. I was going to just give you and Koizumi-kun swimming trunks and dismiss you but now you have to try it on in front of me after everyone leaves. That, and you have to walk in the park by Yuki's apartment tonight." Well, trying on a swimsuit and walking in a park by myself. Has Haruhi lightened up? "Oh yeah, you're walking with me." No, I guess not. Sighing, I noticed the door opening and saw Nagato and Koizumi walk in.

"Oh, is this a beach party?" Koizumi walked in and said that with that plastic grin plastered all over his face. One day, I really should just hit him in the mouth and knock out a few teeth. I wonder if he'll smile then. Walking past me, he whispered, "We need to have a talk". I'm not surprised. Haruhi finding me in that compromising situation probably created enough blue giants to win an American football championship.

Forgive me; I only recently started to watch American football. I don't know if I'm entitled to make puns like that.

"Koizumi-kun, Yuki, I have swimsuits for you. These are for tomorrow, where our usual weekend city search will be changed to a paranormal search at the beach. Yuki, I want to see you in your bathing suit right now. Boys, can you please get out?"

Koizumi and I did just that. In the hallway, Koizumi put his "I'm a smiling bastard" face on and began to speak. "Kyon, have you noticed that the girls are acting strange lately?" Well, Asahina-san was acting really strange. Haruhi seemed like herself except for the whole ponytail thing. I haven't seen Nagato all day. "I see. If you see what book Nagato is reading, you will definitely think she's acting strange." Why are all of these things happening?

"It's simple really," Koizumi said. I sensed one of his long-winded rambles accompanied with bad acting coming. "Suzumiya-san, seeing you in the state of melancholy you've been in recently, wished subconsciously for whatever you want to make you happy to actually happen. This of course is because she chose you and does not want to see you upset. Now, recall yesterday and you should remember what you said could make you happy." Ah, I should call Kunikida later. He's been asking me to play Halo with him for a while. I really have to get my XBOX Live fixed though. Oh, you asked me something? Koizumi's grin became a little more forced at my lack of attention and he asked, "Do you remember what you said could make you happy yesterday?"

Oh. Oh. I said my life as a dating sim would make me happy. I get it now.

"You've got quite the situation on your hands huh, Kyon? I happen to know what Asahina-san did to you prior to Suzumiya-san entering the room. You're a lucky man!" No, I'm not. This is going to turn out ugly somehow. As one can plainly see, I'm not much of an optimist. Then out of the blue, Koizumi put his face close to mine. "If only I could have the same luck as you, Kyon." Get away! Too close! Don't say things that can be taken ambiguously like that!

With that, the door opened. Koizumi and I walked in and saw all three girls in their swimsuits with the afternoon sun as the background. It was quite an amazing sight. I was speechless but Koizumi was not.

"Ah, what a great sight! The beach will radiate with the glow of ten thousand suns!" Shut up, you blatant ass-kisser.

"Oh, Koizumi-kun! Your flattery will get you nowhere! You can't get higher than Vice-Commander anyway!" she said smiling, before turning to me with a face of disdain that gave me the shivers. "Everyone but Kyon is now dismissed. We are meeting at 9 at the train station and taking the train to the beach. Last one to arrive pays for the Brigade's beach tickets." Asahina-san looked at me with puppy eyes before she left, Nagato nodded and Koizumi waved as he left the room. The door shut behind them and Haruhi and I were left alone.

"Here, Kyon. I got you these." She handed me a pair of royal blue swimming trunks with white and navy stripes on the side. They were nice. "I guessed the size but we'll see how they fit." Okay. Cool. Thanks. Now could you get out so I could change?

"No, Kyon. You ought to listen to people. I said your punishment involved you changing in front of me."

I stared at her in disbelief. "You want me to take off my pants and change in my boxers in front of you? You're not in the slightest bit offended by that?" Haruhi then blushed.

"To get the right fit, you're going to have to take off your boxers too." So here's the lowdown: I'm getting naked, in front of a very attractive girl who's wearing a bikini. My hormones started to rage like a delinquent on steroids.

"Come on, Kyon. You don't have all night. You still have to take me on that walk, remember?" Shut up, woman! Don't you see I have a conflict of morals right now? "Hurry, Kyon!" she said, looking at me with a determined, piercing look. Fine! If you won't shut up, I'll do it! Assembling all the courage I could muster at a time like this, I unbuttoned my school slacks and dropped them to the floor. I was in my skivvies in front of Haruhi. A bit of a blush showed up on her cheeks, but her determined look continued to shine on her face. It was really, really cute. Sighing, I realized that it was time to get full frontal with Haruhi. Swallowing my pride, I grabbed the hem of my boxers.

At that moment, the door opened.

Asahina-san stumbled in, speaking in a sing-song voice, not noticing us at first. "Ossu! Wa-wa-wa-wasuremono… EHH?!" Now, she noticed us. "I'm sorry," she said, while fixing her uniform. "Enjoy yourselves!" She ran out of the room. I looked at Haruhi. Her face was a mixture of shock and amusement. However, she regained her composure when she realized I was looking at her.

"Forget it. Just try it on at home. I'll call you for the walk later, okay?" She said in a surprisingly timid voice, that I found really cute. Did I just say that?

As quickly as I could, I pulled up my pants, gathered my stuff and went home. A lot has happened today. I wish I could go home and sleep it off, but I can't. I have to go on this damn walk with Haruhi.

When I got home and into my room, I suddenly felt an incredible amount of pain coming from my head. How could I forget? I got hit in the head by a flying chair. I wonder if I have any brain damage. Or perhaps it will be some sort of phenomenon that will make me a genius overnight! As I prayed for the latter to occur, I suddenly felt woozy and fell onto my bed, where sleep took me quite quickly.

Waking up later for some reason, I looked at my clock to see that it had been an hour and a half since I had gotten home. Reaching in my pocket for my cell phone, I looked at the call log to see if I missed any calls. I did.

18 missed calls. Haruhi Suzumiya made them all. I decided that I should do a nice thing call her back. I did, and my reward for being nice was getting yelled at and making an appointment at the park by Nagato's house in thirty minutes.

As I got up and changed, I sighed. Yare, yare. I felt like this was going to be a long night.

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(Hare Hare Yukai plays.)

(A/N: Whoooo! That was a tough chapter to write. It's extremely long by my standards. All I can say is read and review, constructive criticism is accepted. I hope to update soon, I have to get ready to go back to college and move in my dorm, etc. I also hope to update "The War of Haruhi Suzumiya" soon, too. Peace, love and bubblegum!)