Those Minions


Meanwhile on the other side of Summoner's Rift, the purple minions were also playing cards.

"Explain to me why we're playing cards before a battle?"

"Why don't you tell me why champions have sex, get drunk off their ass, and smoke weed before a battle?"

"They don't."

"Well shit, ah do," said the purple Caster who was called "PC" by the other minions.

"You're a real weirdo. Are you taking steroids or something? I mean, you're as big as a Siege, but you're a Caster."

"It was Promote."

"There aren't even any summoners here yet!"

"What are you? Purple Melee?"

"Yeah. People call me Prime Minister for short."

"Ok, Primey-"

"Primey!?"

"Ah've got one thing to say to you."

PC blew a noxious cloud of fumes from his mouth and tapped his cigar with his finger.

"Be a good kid and drink your milk, and you'll grow up big and strong."

"Did you just waste that cool pose so you could tell me to drink fucking milk!?"

PC fitted the cigar back into his mouth and peered at Primey with a smooth grin.

"Shit man, everything ah do is cool."

"I hate you! I can't refute that! Fuck you!"

"You a rookie, Primey?"

"Are you seriously going to call me that from now on? And yeah, I'm a rookie. I just joined the ranks yesterday."

"Why you hanging around me, Primey?"

"Well...first of all, because you're sitting on top of me, you fat piece of shi-"

"Ah can understand your logic, Primey. Ah'm an esteemed veteran and you're a big fan. Shit, you have good taste. Now let me tell you, if you stick with me, your life here is going to be cruising easy. You hear me?"

"Yeah, but I can also hear my ribs cracking from your weight, you whale!"

"Good. Now, pass me my next card, ho."

Primey pushed hard against PC's huge butt and managed to lift himself an inch of free space. He locked his elbow into his side so that his body could keep the sack of lard up while he reached out with his free hand to grab a card.

"Alright, now. You seeing this, Primey?"

"Holy nipple-freezing mother fucking shit. You have four Aces! What the fuck!"

"That's the luck of the chosen one, Primey. Stay on my good side and ah'll make sure your shit gets rolling."

The purple Melee minion in front of PC threw a straight flush down to claim the winnings.

"..."

"Well, shit. Looks like ah lost."

"You fatass! Get the fuck off me!"

"When the great lose, they lose big. Remember that, Primey."

"Hooooly fuck, GET THE FUCK OFF ME YOU SHITBAG WHORE BEFORE I RAM THIS LANCE DOWN YOUR GREASY THROAT UNTIL IT REACHES YOUR CRACK-FILLED LUNGS, YOU FUCKING SON OF A TRASH PANDA-HUMPING SLUT!"

Suddenly PC stood up, releasing Primey from his day-long imprisonment under someone's ass. PC slowly lowered the cigar from his mouth and stared off into the distance.

"Well, shit. The sky's bright today."

"FUCK! OFF! YOU COOL-ASS-AWESOME BITCH!"

"You know the line-up for today, Primey?"

"The what?"

"The champion line-up. That's part of being a smart minion, kid. Ah seen too many minions running like morons into battle even though their lane is already pushed by Sivir and Singed. You need to know what champions there are so you can evaluate a strategy on which minions to kill first. You gonna leave the Siege alone when you got a weak-ass Vladimir on your team or you gonna focus on the Casters so the Tryndamere can get a good mowdown?"

"Wow. I never thought of it that way. That really makes sense. So you're not just a retarded lardbucket, are you?"

"Ah hope you're coming to appreciate me more now, Primey."

"Yeah, actually I am. So what's the champion line-up this time?"

"How the hell should ah know? That's why ah'm asking you, shiiiit."

"SERIOUSLY, FUCK YOU! JUST GO FUCKING JUMP IN FRONT OF A NEXUS OBELISK!"

PC blew a steady stream of smoke out through his pursed lips. He lifted the cigar back to his mouth and took another long drag.

"The air smells like bloodlust today."

"SHUT UP! FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

"Let's go, Primey."

"Where the fuck are we going?"

"If you don't know the line-up and ah don't know the line-up, then we gotta go look at the line-up."

"Yeah, okay. That makes sense."

"Ah'll catch up later. You go on ahead."

"Yeah, alrigh-FUCK NO! YOU'RE JUST GOING TO SIT HERE AND PLAY CARDS!"

"Ah'm gonna win this one."

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN DENYING IT!"

"One more game, Primey."

"Alright, whatever! Let me show you how this shit is done."

The game that ensued left Primey with the famed reputation of being the only minion in the history of the League who folded a royal flush, yet still managed to win.


Inside the Nexus, the champion line-up was slowly coming together. Two purple Caster minions were examining the line-up with great focus.

"Kassadin mid? OP! We've got this shit in the bag."

"What are you talking about? Don't you see they have Annie? Annie is for sure going mid. Kassadin's going to be knee-deep in stuns, like Morgana after I left her bedroom this morning."

"You what!"

"...In my dream."

"Oh. Hey, man-"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Look, I get it. Everyone wants a chance with a female champion. I mean, all of them are just so..."

"Well-endowed, gorgeous figure, sexy expressions, no clothing-"

'Yeah, yeah. All that jazz."

"Well, at least we're guaranteed to have some eyecandy no matter who we get on our tea-WTF, IRELIA!?"

"FML! Out of all the champions!"

"That's even worse than Poppy or Tristana. Irelia looks like shit even though she's human-sized!"

"Hey, Casters. Ah'm coming in."

"Oh shit! It's PC."

"Fuck, could this day get any worse?"

"Jeez, this place is a freaking dump," said Primey from the entrance of the Nexus. A pile of used socks slipped and crumbled onto the walkway.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Me? I'm Prime Minister, a rookie who just joine-"

"He's my valet, Primey. Show him some courtesy, kids."

"For the last fucking time, PC, we're not fucking kids! We're probably twice your age!"

"And fix that shitty accent. You're not even doing it right. Where the hell did you pick that up from, a Hollywood movie?"

"Who we got today, gentlemen?"

"And he just ignores us."

"Like he ever listens."

"Fuck, sometimes I just want to..."

"Yeah, how the hell did we get stuck with this fag on our infantry squad..."

Primey walked over to the two Caster minions and clasped their hands.

"Y-You...you have no idea...sniff...how much...those words mean to me."

"Aw, shit. Ah hate it when they got those blank screens."

"Seriously, shut the fuck up PC. Your smoker voice is driving me crazy."

"Alright, so we got Master Yi, Kassadin, Irelia, and Sona on our team so far."

"Jeez, what's with this blue team? Annie, Alistar, Vayne, and Rammus? We're going to get slaughtered," said Primey, staring agape at the projection screen on the wall.

"Still got two blank screens. They must be on Comcast."

The two Caster minions guffawed.

"Well, at least we got Sona."

"Yeah, Sona is hot."

"Vayne and Annie? Man, I feel bad for the blue team."

"Are you kidding me? We're going to get our Nexus torn to shreds and you guys don't give a shit because we have Sona on our team?" said Primey.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah?"

Primey looked at them in astonishment.

"Fuck yeah. Seriously, I'm staying with you guys from now on. You guys are fucking rad."

"Rad, he says."

"Oh boy. Get me out of here before we go back to the 90s."

"And you guys are assholes. Man, this is perfect. Let me room or something, playa."

"Playa."

"Alright, we'll let you room. Just stop. You're killing me. I'm going to pop a lung."

"So, back to Sona."

"You mean Miss Melons?"

"Lady Sweater Puppies?"

"Bouncing Buddhas."

"Baby pillows."

"Congo Bongos."

"Jigglypuffs."

"Double Whoppers."

"Moo moos."

"Stop. Just stop. I'm dying. Really, I'm going to die."

"Ah'd say those chimichangas."

"PC, shut the fuck up! You just fucking wilted my Douglas Fir with that smoker voice!"

"Shit...I just realized we have Master Yi on our team."

"What's wrong with Master Yi?" asked Primey.

"Dude thinks he's such a badass."

"Yeah, just cause he can backdoor a turret and run the fuck away."

"Stand right in the middle of a fight and wank his sword, get max armor/MR stats."

"Seriously, he's a total jerkoff."

"Ooo, I got a big ass sword and more eyes than a spider!"

"It's assholes like him who think it's funny to decrease minion benefits."

"We have benefits?"

"Come on, rookie. You don't even know that?"

"How do you think PC here got so fat?"

"We get paid in bacon."

"Yeah."

"Seriously?" asked Primey.

"No. Are you retarded?"

"The fuck would I want bacon as my bonus for?"

"Ah like my bacon."

"Yeah, we know PC."

"Oh, finally. Our last champion's on the screen."

"Ashe? BAZINGA!"

"BAZOOMBAS!"

"GAZONGAS!"

"Gragas."

"AGH!"

"PC, FUCK YOU!"

"It's probably going to be Ashe and Sona bot," said Primey, inspecting the summoner spells.

"Oh shittt-"

"Yo, where's the roster!"

"You better put me on bot, damn it!"

"It's only fitting that two beauties accompany me in lane," said PC, expelling smoke from his mouth. "Shit, ah'm looking forward to it."

"Shut the fuck up PC, and go smoke somewhere else! That cigar of yours smells like total ass!"

"Yeah, and what? Why the hell would we let you go bot?"

"It doesn't matter how you fix it, those ladies are going to go where ah'm going to go."

"One chick's a queen and the other chick is a famed musician. Like hell they're going to go for a fatass like you."

"Shit, this fag Yi is probably going to make Sona leash for him."

"Are you fucking serious? Crap, I forgot about that."

"Guys, guys. If he sucks, he'll go Red first."

"Oh, game and match!"

"What? What's going on?"

"Last character popped up."

"Who is it?"

"I forget her name. That bitch that spins around a lot."

"Garen?"

"I said her, you twat."

"I'm not getting it. Who are you talking about?"

"Rookie, you know, right? Tell this idiot for me."

"...You forgot too?"

"Shut up and just tell me, rookie."

"I don't know! I'm new here!"

All three of them turned to PC.

"Well, no one fucking cares."

"Yeah, screw it, I'm going bot anyways."

"So when can I move in?"

"Next week alright with you?"

"Yeah, cool."

"You're going to have to do your own share of work though."

"I don't mind. I did the chores at home all the time."

"Oh, we got a mommy here."

"Finally, I don't have to eat your shitty microwave meals every night."

"If they're so shitty, why don't you fucking cook for once, douchebag?"

"Aw, shiiit. It's Katarina."

"That's her name!"

"PC, I told you to STFU!"

"You know, I don't really mind going top either. Katarina's pretty hot."

"Yeah okay, rookie. You go top with PC, alright?"

"Don't fuck with me."

"No space anywhere else. Sorry...playa."

"He...hee...I'm...I'm not laughing...haha..."

"You guys are dicks."

"Yeah, so see you next week?"

"Yeah. I'll be here."

"Alright. Meeting adjourned, men."

Primey sighed and followed PC out of the Nexus. Well, at least he would meet Ashe and Sona before they went off to battle.

"Damn, I sorta wish I could've gone bot..."

"Like ah said, Primey. Those two beauties are going to be going wherever ah'm going. So, just stick with me."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

The time of battle was drawing near.