Guilt
Guilt; the drug like emotion that just feels you up completely fill till you're basically spilling over with the substance that comes pouring over from your mouth, like vomit after you had too much to drink or when you over douse and you find yourself drowning in your own puke. But, unlike the drugs and whiskey, guilt came with a more forceful and brutal blow, like a painful punch to the stomach, just ten times worse and it's in your already breaking heart and nearly shattered ego.
Guilt was like the leader in a gang. Guilt ran the shots and call for the ones to suffer or to have mercy. Guilt had followers that came with it wherever he went. Doubt, Dread, Self-Hatred, just to name some of the loyal members. The worse being Shame, that one had the most excruciatingly afflictive chastisement. That one caused the most damage during and after the war.
They traveled together and they punished together, making the inhuman torture even slower and more painful for the poor victim. But that's the thing. Guilt and its gang didn't attack the good guys. He went after the bad. The cruel ones, the horrible ones that deserved what they got.
Percy Jackson was one of those. And he knew he deserved a lot worse than he has already gotten.
It's been three years after the war, and at his age of 20, he felt like he was over a thousand. His body ached all over constantly. He felt like shitz supreme pizza with an extra serving shitz on the side with a shitz flavored drink. He was just to dam young to feel this dam old.
He hated the feeling. He hated how he couldn't wake up anymore without his arms stinging from the deep scratches he gave himself from his nightmares. Most of the time he was out of control while he viciously digs into his skin, his mind too busy roaming through his dark and freighting past to be aware of what he was doing to himself. Sometimes, his back would start to hurt as well, especially on his left shoulder blade where his Achilles spot used to be. He could still feel the way the water seemed to burn his skin as if it was boiling. Other times, his eyes would water uncontrollably, burning as well, as if he was drinking from the river of fire again like he did down there. He was tired of hurting constantly. It always made him look back at the past and wonder what the hell when wrong, and how did it all come to this.
He wasn't like this right after the war. After defeating Gaea, he and Annabeth went back to New York, where Percy finally reunited with his mother. He remembers her opening the door and smiling so brightly when she saw him. He loved the way she hugged him so tightly and began to cry with him as they held onto each other in pure happiness. He remembers hugging Paul as well, the pepper haired man happy to see him as well, and he hugged him like a real father would hugged his son. He never felt more at home in his life.
He stayed there for a few weeks, but him and Annabeth decided to go back to Camp Half Blood for the rest of the summer. Percy didn't know why or how it affected him so much but he just entirely shattered while he was there. It was as if all the wonderful and enchanting memories that had taken place on the sweet green grass and pure bright sunshine of what used to be his enlightening sanctuary just vanished along with the wind, only leaving with the terrors of war and death that seemed to in the cold lingering of the wind.
Percy sensed it once he stepped foot on the ground, his soul and body observing up the aura of the destructible impact like a sponge. His happy mood down casting right away at it, but he kept smiling, kept laughing for Annabeth's sake who was on cloud nine. He kept up the fake front when he shook hands with Chiron who was saying of how proud he was of Percy. The praising didn't set well with him, like someone just dropped a stone into the very pit of his stomach.
It was because if that look in the old teacher's eyes. The same Piper had when she warmly embraced Annabeth and him and asked them how they were. She was happy and kind, like she always was, smiling that pretty smile of hers with that same harpy feather in her hair, but she still had that look in her eyes, the same Chiron had. The look even stop the constant reunite of changing colors her eyes always had, staying a solid dark color Percy couldn't make out, not that he wanted to anyway. Percy hugged her back and let Annabeth speak for him when Piper was nailing them with questions and news about the camp at 65 miles per hour. It was hard enough to keep the happy expression without speaking.
It wasn't till days later when Jason came to visit. He woke up that morning and found him in the dining hall, talking to Chiron up at the head table. Percy didn't feel any thrilling ambition to go talk to him so he went and got some eggs and some apple juice and went to sit at his father's table, alone, trying his best not to get notice by the blonde priest. He knew that he would see through the mask and bother him constantly about it till he finally torn it down and explain why he had it up in the first place. Percy wasn't in the mood for the friendly interrogation... Especially after last night...
But the son of Jupiter still found him, and came over with a spring in his steps and a smile on his face, like it was the best day ever to alive. Percy begged to differ.
Jason came over and sat across from him. He says his hello and Percy did as well. He asks about his new position and how he liked it and they had some talk in that manner for a while, enough for him to finish his breakfast. Jason talked about Camp Juniper and how they were doing good. He also talked about Hazel and Frank and how they planned to attend school together whenever they can. He told Percy that Frank was doing well as Praetor and Hazel was helping Rachel and Tyson rewrite the Sibylline books from Ella's flawless memory. He also said that there was some mourning Octavian's death, but most were at peace about it. He talked about how Reyna was and said that she was doing fine, even though he didn't elaborate about it.
Percy smiled at all the good news, truly happy about it. He was really wondering and hoping that all of his friends at New Rome were okay and were happy. He glad to be informed about them, that everyone was recovering from the hell they been through all together. He felt good about it all, but then Jason hit him with the bad news.
Apparently, when the Romans were fighting Gaea at Camp Half Blood, New Rome was swallowed up by the earth, completely gone. Not a simple building or anything. All the homes and people that were left behind... Gone. Countless of lives...
Percy nearly fell out of his chair, clenching his heart, thinking it just stopped completely. Jason caught him before he fell, leaning over the table to the point where he on basically on it.
Percy didn't know how take it really. He knew something was wrong, it was plain to see in all of their eyes that not everything was great and happy, but it was that bad? Percy never really gave thought of how many really died in the war. How many lost their lives?...
How long have Jason known this? How long has everyone known this? Why didn't they tell him?...
Just then, Percy froze like he was just blasted into ice. His partly godly blood stopped in his veins with a shivery halt. His mind raced at fleetness velocity with countless of corrections and thoughts...
He realized then that they never told him, because he didn't ask.
He was happy, blinded by the victory to care for the others around him. He was preoccupied with the fact that his life was finally going to be okay again. That everything for him was back to normal with his friends and his family. Everything was going to be okay and he was finally going to get his happily ever after with his beautiful love and his loyal friends and his loving family...
It never occurred to him that some others weren't so lucky. That some campers from both camps had suffered, had loss... That maybe they lost a friend or maybe more. Maybe they lost their family or their siblings... Maybe they lost their own life to the earth goddess that swallowed them whole like they were nothing, helpless and powerless to stop it or to even run because that was impossible. And they knew that was possible for them, yet they still did it because they knew it was the right thing to do. They fought for the gods, for their friends and family, for their own lives and died in the end for it... And Percy didn't even think about...
He felt like sobbing in mourning realization. He felt like screaming bloody murder out of anger for the fallen solider, for Gaea killing them and for himself for not noticing. He felt ashamed at himself for being so careless and ungrateful for all those countless of lives that he didn't give a damn about. He felt remorseful for the fact that he didn't even think about it till now, not during the days of funerals, or when afterwards when he went searching for Leo with the others. No, it didn't hit him till now, and it's been weeks since the final battle.
But most of all... He felt entirely guilty. It was because of him all of those people died, that all of those innocent souls were killed-murdered- all because of him. He should have done something, anything. He should have come up with something to save them, even back at New Rome. He should have...should have...
Percy sat up and breathed for a moment before Jason continued to inform him onto worse things. Like how Rachel still couldn't see the future, or how all the decencies of Apollo have been reported to have strange and unexplainable dream from the sun god, all of them completely different. Jason then finally mentioned of how he still couldn't reach Nico Di Angelo.
That made Percy feel worse. How could he completely forget about all of them? His good friend Rachel? His own baby brother Tyson? Even Nico? How could he be so clueless and forgetful to not remember any of them?
Jason had saw the way Percy had react and tried to comfort him by putting a hand on his shoulder and saying that it was okay, that the war was over and everything was okay now. But Jason didn't understand why Percy was freaking out, why he was racking with guilt so rapidly. Percy even turned to him it explained by was at stopped by that same look in his eye that all the others had.
Percy then realized that look was from the effects of war they all have experimented. From all the tragedies, they seen... All the terrors they faced... All the deaths they had gone through... Gone through and cared about...
Percy doesn't remember much then. He recalls pulling away from Jason and yelling at him. He didn't remember what he said but he knew he caused a seen. Then he ran out if the grand hall and dashed back to his cabin. He heard Jason call after him, Annabeth and Piper joining him later on, but Percy was faster than all of them. He kept running and slammed the door behind him. He fell to his knees as he began to breath heavily and then soon crying. He could still hear them calling him name on the other side. They even started pushing the door, banging and demanding entrees but Percy just curled up into a ball on the floor and broke with guilty sobs racking his body painfully.
That's when it all started. Percy started to just to close in on himself like a house of cards collapsing on itself. Swiftly coming down but with smooth gracefulness.
He started to disconnect himself from the world outside his cabin. The sight he used to love with all his heart because worse than a wasted wasteland in his eyes. A hellhole up there with Tartarus almost, and it wasn't because it was a cruel disgusting sight. No, never! It's just a single, huge, forever noticeable reminder of what he has done. It filled his heart with rage and pain and self-loathing so much, he couldn't stand it.
He started to decline from everyone, along with himself the more time he stayed there, his own sanity sinking along with him as he drifted downward into the endless ocean of himself. He just transformed into this giant ball of unpredictable problems that would exploded with he finally couldn't take it anymore.
He started to just fill with so much anger and hatred for not only himself but for others as well, almost everything really. He would keep it all buried inside him, containing it all inside with sealed lips until he just burst with apoplectic aftermath. Most of the time, it was all thrown out to Annabeth, after her constant questions she always asked him. They were always about his well-being, if he was okay, even though the answer was clear to see that he wasn't. At first, she would take his raging fit of anger and leave him alone, but she soon started to fight back afterwards, like the warrior she was and that would only cause more choleric turmoil in the end, a bigger and more inflamed explosion in the end. It took a great toll on their relationship, but what it exactly damaged in it was unknown to both of them.
And that wasn't the only problem he developed. He soon came paranoid about everything and everyone as well. At first, it was just some thoughts, but they soon became frequent and caused him to distrust more and more of the people around him. Yes, he did have a few he trusted, mostly his friends, but he knew that they all, deep down inside, hated him. They would never say it to his face, and would probably deny it to the bitter end, but, who's to say that's because they were planning to get him back? And if not them, what about those who lost their loved ones in the war, under his responsibility? Who's to say all those people who come up to him every day and praise him for being a hero are just scheming to take revenge on him? Who's to say that all those little kids who ask for tips on sword fighting because they want to be as good as him one day, will become better one day? What if they dare him into battle one day and the kill him in a scheme that was designed to look like an accident? He wasn't sure, and he knew he could never be sure. It gave him more of an excuse to stay locked up inside his cabin, having to be forced out to get food. Mainly, the task was done by Annabeth or Jason, but Percy was still unsure of his well-being whenever he went out. He just always got the shivering notion knowing that it was possibly the last time he every see the sun light...
But the worse part of it all was whenever night time came at the very end of the day. He dreaded that time of the day the most, because he was always bragged back... Back down there... Below the earth... Even beneath the Underworld...
He was brought back to that place every night, always in the same freighting dream he has every night and he has had every night for the past three years. It was the same one that always brought him right to the edge and come extremely close to finally pushing him off for good, make himself fall right down to the bottomless pit of darkness with only his broken sanity to keep him company on the endless fall.
It was always the same. He just couldn't find relief from the torture, never really able to be truly free of that place since he went back there every night inside of his mind, making it haunt him forever. Percy had tried everything to get ridge of that terrible sights that replayed in his mind. He spends nights where he counts sheep and think of anything else but that place. He even went nights of weeks of not sleeping, making himself stay up to stay away from the horror. He has even gone as far as to run miles around the camp all night to stay awake. He even tried to sleep in the lake, underwater without worrying about dying. The water has always been his safe heaven, his pure sanctuary, but that didn't work either... No matter what, the images always came back.
This was what really made him break. The roots, the very source of everything that cause him to become the broken person he has become. He drifted farther and farther into his deep depression, leaving him with nothing inside his soul except for self-resentment and disapproval loathing for everything living. He lost himself in the darkness of that place far below and was hopeless of finding it again.
He was suffering from this all the time he spends the end of his summer vacation at camp. He rarely thought about school starting soon, it really didn't matter to him. He was too busy trying to find ways of getting out of his personal hell. He didn't think entering into another one would really help him.
It was the last week of summer when the camp was visited by the hunters of Artemis. Annabeth and Jason were thrilled by the new, running straight out of the dining hall early in the morning to greet Thalia once they heard the news of the group's arrival. Percy didn't move from his seat, he just went on messing with his cereal while he sat alone that his table. It wasn't later on when Thalia came to him, when he was making his way back to his cabin after a well needed slashing in the sword fighting area. She jogged up to him and asked him how he has been, but he knew she knew how he was. He knew Annabeth told her everything in a heads-up notion, like Percy just might snap at her as well.
He curtly replied he was fine and that he was just tired and wanted to go back to his cabin and sleep. Before the hunter could say more, the son of Poseidon turned on his heels and walked away, not even looking back when Thalia swore at him for being rude. He just shut the door and went on.
It was that last Friday of summer when the game of capture the flap was canceled for whatever reason. Percy would be bummed out from the action but now it was so rare for him to even get excited about it. It was rare for him to get excited about anything really. They still had the camp bond fire as usual. Percy didn't attend and just made his way to his cabin. Or well, he was trying to at the time...
He was just a few steps away when the girl finally called for him, using the term 'Fucked Up Hero'. He turned to find a small, thin girl with dark colored hair tied back into a braid. She was a hunter, clearly but Percy still didn't know her. He stated quiet, waiting for more of her names but the only thing she said was when she questioned him to speak. He didn't. That only set more gasoline to her wild flame of rage.
She set off threats and insults faster then she could probably shoot her arrows. She hated him, very much. And he totally understood why she did. He hated himself for the same reasons.
So, he just stood there and took it all. She came closer to him during her roaring fit, stomping her feet and throwing her arms around her. She was so angry and Percy could tell it wasn't all towards him, but he just expects she needed to get it all out of her system, so he let her rage.
That is, till she crossed the fucking line.
She brought up Zoë, and blamed him for her getting killed in the first place because he made her go back and face her father. She spoke about his love/hate relationship with Thalia and how he almost hurt her during that one fights they had when Annabeth went missing. And then she brought up how he was the reason Annabeth didn't join the hunters in the first place, how he ruins that for her because he was a stupid male. She crossed the line when she brought up of how he failed to protect Bianca Di Angelo and she died on a quest because of his failure.
Percy doesn't know why, but something just snapped inside him about that, once the unknown girl said the daughter of Hades name. His muscles tensed like tied rope being constricted into tight lines that throbbed inside his head, chest, arms, and legs. His eyes felt as if they were set on fire that was growing rapidly from the back of his eyeballs to the front making him see nothing but the dark, bloody color of anger. The familiar tugging in the bottom of his stomach took toll.
That's when time seemed to escape him in a swift swept of wind and his body took control of itself. He doesn't really recall it all clearly, not as much as he wished he did at least. He lost all memory of it at first, but when they told him about it, it all came back to him in a blurry mess, like dirty water on a mirror. It made a havoc image, but the message was still crystal clear.
He took rule over the large body of water near him, commanding for it to raise huge waves, over the tops of the buildings around them, going up till it touched the sky, and the water obeyed without hesitant as it always did before. He lifted his head as the might from the moon was blocked out and him and the girl entered into the dimly lighted shadows of the deathly disaster behind him. The girl's eyes followed the height if the waves, fear increasing in those dark irises with each inch, not meeting the full climax of the pure horrendous fear till the waves aimed downward. A scream failed to be released to her lips as the water came crashing down on her with enough force to make it feel like concrete. The water slammed down on Percy as well but it soon obeyed his commands again and departed for him and the girl who was a few feet away from him. She was soaking wet, her dark hair reminding him if a dog's wet coat. He snarled at the ugly sight, at least it was better than the sight of her face.
The girl was on the group, holding support from her arms as she coughs up the last of the water that rushed into her lungs the same moment of her contact with the water. She had her back turned from him, where he found his golden opportunity. He pulled out Riptide from his pocket and uncapped it into his sharp, bronze sword.
He started to regain his self-consciousness as he took those few steps, slowly but more and more returned as he came near the girl who was unaware of what he was doing. It was like a snake cornering his prey, the small white mouse. Like a big, vicious dog finally gaining up against the small cat. Like how Tartarus hellacious overpowered him like he was nothing more than dust or wind...
For once, Percy wasn't the mouse, the cat. He wasn't even his weak, tiny self... No, he was the more powerful one. He was the one who won the battle... He was the one who wasn't going to suffer, the girl was and it felt good knowing that he was finally going to be on the other side of the hand.
He was now mere centimeters from the girl, his stood over her small figure that was still on the group, now curled up in the fertile position, still slightly coughing. He raised his blade that blamed in the water dim light, as the girl finally looked up to him and quivered back with her eyes shrieking out the freight she felt inside. That look in her eyes gave him that satisfying thrill he deserved most out of the situation.
The color of her eyes-which were a dark brown color, the same color of her dripping long hair- and her cinnamon toned skin with freckles dashed across her noses and cheekbones took that sweet delectation away from him.
For a moment, he forgot who he was about to kill. Then he remembered that he was actually about to kill someone.
That's when all of that vanished. He came plowing back to earth and took in everything that was happening in with the rush of guilt, stronger than ever, racking up inside him like poison inside his veins, mixing with his blood so it can permanently stay there-inside him-forever.
It then when his hearing came back, once blocked out by the sound of a sound yet piercing ring that must have come from the bell of his anger. Annabeth's screaming came clear to him then, soon followed by her ripping the sword out of his hands that was still raised up, prepared to strike the girl who was now clinging onto Thalia like a child to a blanket to keep her away from the monsters.
That's what he was. A monster.
The realization stroked him more fiercely then a bolt of lightning. It numbed him down to the core, causing him to not be able to feel his legs moving as he was being pulled by Annabeth to the main house. Thalia shouted out curses and threats at him as he escapes the forming crowd that gathered around the seem like moths to a bright light. He soon realized that they were all wet, even Annabeth, and he didn't know why.
He spends the night in the main house then. Sleeping roughly as he woke up to the nightmares as normal. He was thankful it wasn't really bad this night. He didn't want any more attendant from anyone then he has already received. He stayed in that room the next day, having his meals being brought to him, the door locked so he couldn't get out. It was the next night when he actually heard something other than the buzzing of lights and the annoying chirping of birds outside his window that was also locked.
It was late at night, pass midnight when Percy heard Annabeth and Chiron have their little degustation about him, right outside his door in hushed tones that were as loud as sirens in that damned quiet room. It was okay, he was trying to stay awake anyway.
They decided it wasn't safe for him to be at camp anymore and he needed help. They came to the earth-shattering discovery that he was fucked up during the war pretty bad and that was why he was this way. Percy could have fucking told them that if it was still that big of a damn mystery.
Annabeth then stated that she and Percy would be leaving for New Rome tomorrow morning, saying that he could get help there. She said she already talked to Reyna and his mother about it and they both approved of the matter. Good thing Percy had to get all their permissions to get better.
The next morning arrived and both Percy and Annabeth loaded up on their own Pegasus and took off for New Rome in completely, unbroken silence. Percy didn't want to talk and Annabeth didn't tempt him.
And that's where he had been for the past three years- in New Rome, in a new hell. They got there and the first thing they did was ship him off some psychologist that tried to get inside him head, trying to find out what made him tick backwards and not forward. Percy refused to speak a single word to him, and he the guy tried everything to get him to speak about anything, but Percy was stubborn and determined. His goal was reached when the psychologist had enough one day and got up and walked out, stating that he refuses to treat a patient that won't meet him halfway. He was the longest lasting one out of them all.
Percy treated each doctor or psychologist or whatever the same way- silently. Never a word said to any of them. All of them quick because of that or either the fact they have declared him incurable, another way of giving up on him.
Good, that was what he wanted. Why should he talk to them? Why? None of them will understand, and because of that, they will misjudge him and treat him unfairly. He knew it was bound to happen, but he certainly wasn't going to get it from the damn someone that was supposed to help and heal him. No, he knew none of them could do that, because none of them have been through the help he has been through. Not a damn one of them. So, he just didn't deal with them in any manner. He didn't speak to them or even acknowledge there present.
It was the 7th or 8th one who broke him of that. The guy was fat and middle aged with almost not hair left on his head. He was dressed properly in his suit and looked presentable, but Percy still got the dim impression of his ex-step father, Gabe Ugliano, and it made him instantly hate him without any chance of changing that. Percy played his quiet card for the first ten minutes in the meeting, the doctor not saying anything either.
Then the man spoke and the first thing he requested for Percy to talk about was about his mother.
Percy busted, his temper popping like a balloon, along with all the toilets, sinks, and water fountains in the building. He snapped at that man, almost yelling at him in a cruel tone of voice, speaking in rapid Greek. The roman doctor didn't understand, obviously, but Percy still went off as the man sat there stunned. It wasn't till the water reached their floor when he ended his rant. They were on the 9th floor out of 10.
Later on, that day, Percy told Annabeth about it. She would laugh at it and call him Seaweed Brain if this was normal, but instead she just frowns and ask him about why he did this to the people that were trying to help him. Percy realized then he never told her why, along with a lot of other things. He finally told her and got the shock of his life. Annabeth snapped at him, slamming down the fry pan she was holding at the time, causing the pan part to break off from the handle. She screamed at him that she was always there for him, always there to listen. She was there too, down there... She had nightmares too and is willing to help him through that, along with all the guilt and self-loathing, but she got through that all and healed her broken soul and has been and still is willing to help Percy with it because she loves him... Even though he wasn't there to help her when she needed him too...
She finished her rant with tears going down her cheeks and her gray eyes were red. She was breathing heavily. She soon realized what she done after a second of silent. She started to cry more, reaching her hand out, saying she was sorry... But Percy couldn't look at her, the guilt of making her suffer caused him to panic and ran out of the apartment without turning back, tears forming in his own eyes. Annabeth shouted back for him, her voice cracking with each call, until she just finally stopped calling.
And that's why he is here now, in the park in the center of New Rome... Or New New Rome when you think about it...
Percy ran here, trying to reach the nearest thing of water and ended up here, walking towards the big, gothic looking fountain made of some kind of black material he didn't recognized. He felt tired, alone, and guilty. He wanted to cry and hit something at the same time... He didn't even know how to exactly describe how he felt about anything or of anyone. He just… he just didn't know anymore...
He sat there at the foot of that fountain and finally let out all the tears he been holding for years. He basically sobbed into his hands, shaking like a leaf in the now autumn like winds that made him cold.
He thought about all the people he knew in his life that he hurt: His mother, Annabeth, Zoë, Leo, Calypso, Bob, Bianca, Nico...
"Nico?" Percy squealed out like a rubber toy. He hadn't seen Nico in forever, since after he returned from Tartarus and the son of Hades left to deliver the Athena's Parthenon. Jason had mention about not having any luck at all to connect with the guy, Hazel being in the same level with him. They said it was like he vanished out of thin air...
Nico had been through Tartarus like him, alone even. He done some impossible stuff too, making him a hero that should be admired just like Percy... Nico would know about pressure, about how hard it is... He would even know about that place below...
Percy stood up and faced the fountain in front of him. The water was a beautiful blue color, clear and gleaming lovely in the moonlight. He pulled out his only drachma and flipped it into the water and prayed to Iris for the message and the to his father for it getting through. All that came up was a dark mist cloud that showed him nothing. Percy still spoke to it like it did get through.
"Nico... It's me, Percy. I know we haven't talked in a long time, and I know we were never the best of friends but I need your help..." He swallowed hard, trying to steady his voice. "I need you... I know that sound crazy but... But I want to know how you did it... How you vanished and how you dealt with...with your memories of that place. How can I be healed and how can I disappeared? Please, you have the answer, so please... Just tell me and save me. Just please save me."
He ended his stupid attempt of contacting him, and sat back down to cry some more, not even bothering to end the message but a wave from his hand through the black cloud. When he thought about it, he felt something change in the air and before he knew it, he was out cold, his last sight of the world was the bright water's shining reflection as his vision went black.
