True to her word Katie returns after a few hours. It probably takes some time travelling to this hospital, it's further away than the other one. I feel an odd sensation of relief and happiness when she walks through the door now dressed in more comfortable clothing; not that I'm in any position to talk about anyone's outfit I'm wearing yellow hospital pyjamas that are about 6 sixes too big. I smile back at her and she sits down at the bottom of my bed.
"I told you I'd be back." She tells me, as if she knew I'd spent the better part of an hour wondering whether she would. I smile and nod. She makes small talk with my mum for a while; the conversation seems quite effortless really. It makes me wonder what they've been talking about while I was sedated.
"I'm starved." Mum says after her stomach rumbles loudly.
"The food here isn't great is it?" Katie wrinkles her nose. I don't really know since all they've offered me so far is toast; can't really ruin toast. Although now that she mentions it I am feeling rather hungry myself.
"I could nip out and get us something." She seems quite pleased with herself for coming up with the idea. She grabs her handbag and asks Katie what she would like. The brunette is really grateful over not having to eat anymore hospital food.
"I won't be long." She promises before she leaves. I'm glad but I don't feel the same panic over her leaving as I did when Katie left. It's just me and the older twin now. She's still perched on the end of my bed. I find it comforting.
"These walls are a horrible colour." She shakes her head as she stares at the fucking hideous shade of yellow in the walls. I nod to show that I agree. I miss the white walls. Whoever said yellow is a cheerful colour obviously hadn't spent any amount of time in this room.
"Come on. Let's get out of here." Katie says, getting to her feet and holding out her hand. I look at her like she should be the one wearing yellow pyjamas. "Don't they say that fresh air is good for you or something?"
I jump out of bed, anything is better than this garish room and from what I've seen out the window the gardens look kind of nice here. Katie opens the door and does a quick scan to see if there are any doctors or nurses lurking. When the coast is clear she grabs my hand and half drags me down the hall. It's a good thing too because I would have no idea where to go otherwise. We're giggling when we burst through the doors and into the open air. The wind blows against my skin and through my hair; it feels great. I close my eyes and hold my hand out, fingers spread, just enjoying the feeling. When I open my eyes again Katie is watching me with this cute little smile on her face. I smile back at her.
"Let's take a walk." She says taking my hand again and holding it in her own. It seems slightly strange but I like the feeling. "Everyone was glad to hear you're awake. They all hope you get better soon and want to come visit as soon as you're ready."
I thank her with my eyes for keeping everyone up to date. I can tell she knows I will let her know as soon as I'm ready. We walk a bit further into the garden, tall hedges form a square in the centre and there are benches scattered all over the place. Crazy people mustn't like to walk too far without having a sit down. When we're inside the square Katie stops and sits down.
"I have something for you. I wasn't sure if you'd be allowed but..." She smiles impishly and opens her handbag. She pulls out a carton of cigarettes and a lighter. I am delighted to see them. I've been dying for a smoke.
"I thought you'd need a fag." She grins, knowing how pleased I am. She passes the cigarettes to me and I take one from the packet. I offer her one and am surprised when she accepts. I guess she's feeling a little stressed right now. I give her a sly look and she rolls her eyes.
"No you're definitely not allowed anything stronger." She half laughs. "Let's at least try to get you better before you start taking mind altering drugs again eh?"
I chuckled. You can't blame a girl for trying. We puff away in silence for a while. I notice she's actually inhaling properly this time and it sends me back to that day I found her looking so lost and broken by the river. The day she had tried and failed miserably to smoke a cigarette and I had to show her how. Despite the circumstances it was actually a nice day in the end. Katie had changed. She wasn't the shallow narcissistic person she used to be and she didn't expect anything from me. Not like Freddie. Or my mum. Or everyone else in the world. That day she had just been happy to have someone to talk to. Truth be told I was happy to have someone to talk to too. I like the new Katie.
"We should get back inside before your mum arrives back with the food." She says disposing of her cigarette butt in the hedge. I do the same. On the way back to my room she takes my hand again. It feels really nice being that close to her. The nurses give us a funny look when we walk back towards my room no doubt smelling like smoke. We laugh to ourselves and speed up our walk. When we're back in my room Katie lies up in bed beside me.
"You should get a TV in here or something." She laughs. I laugh too but I realise it must be tough for her sitting here all day with me refusing to speak. It's not that I don't want to talk to her; it's just right now I don't see the point. I like Katie, why would I want to fuck her life up? Although I'm surprised by how well she understands me communicating without words. Mum and Dad never really got the hang of it. At least when mum comes back with the food she has someone to answer her when she speaks.
-
The more Katie is around me the more human I start to feel. Sometimes she talks, sometimes she just sits with me staring out the window or watching me intently. I love the feeling I get when I wake up to find her watching me with a little smile on her face. Right now she's telling me about her mum's business.
"I don't know what she thought it would be like but all she does now is complain about how much work she has to do. She keeps bugging me about when I'm going to come back to help her out."
I feel guilty because she should be at work helping her mum. Or at least out in the real world having a life, instead of being stuck here in the loony bin with me. But the thought of being here without her makes me hyperventilate. Katie looks at me and it's clear she can see the guilt and fear written on my face.
"But I told her I was going to be here for as long as you needed me. It's her business anyway she should be the one running it!" The brunette said pointedly. I smile because that means she'll be around for longer. And it would seem she doesn't mind being here either.
"Naomi and Emily were asking about you again." She informs me with a look that tells me what she's going to say before she says it. "They keep asking when they can come visit."
I look at her. I'm still uncertain but with Katie by my side I feel a little better every day. It would be nice to see them again. I bite my lips nervously.
"Maybe tomorrow they can come with me?" She says hopefully. Her brown eyes dancing, as though allowing them to visit means I'm getting better. I nod very slightly, feeling my heart slow in my chest as I do. I don't know if I'm ready for this. We're interrupted by the wonderful Dr Dickhead. It must be three o'clock meaning he's here to see if he can convince me to go to group therapy today. Just like he has every day for the past week.
"Good afternoon Elizabeth, how are you feeling today?" He smiles falsely and hopes desperately for an answer. It amazes me that I've been here for almost 2 weeks now and he still hasn't bothered to learn Katie's name. At least she would answer him when he asked her how she was or greeted her.
"Still not talking." He says not even bothering to hide his frustration anymore. "Do you feel like coming to the group session today?"
I look at him in disbelief. What would be the point in me going to a group therapy session when I refuse to speak? So I could listen to other people's problems?
"No?" He is clearly disappointed. "Alright, maybe tomorrow."
He gives me another false smile before he leaves the room.
"What an asshole!" Katie rolls her eyes. "I thought you had to be smart to be a doctor?"
I laugh. I've been doing that more and more around Katie. I never realised she was funny.
"So tomorrow?" She nods encouragingly. I nervously suck the air in passed my teeth. Part of me, a very, very big part, wants to shake my head and say no because I don't know if I'm ready to see them. To have them see me like this. But the other part, the part that is winning the argument, wants me to do this so Katie can see I'm getting better. Even if it is slowly. I want to show her how much she is helping me. I think this is a good way to do that. So I agree.
"Great!" She smiles brightly and it lights up her face. She really is beautiful. I never took the time to notice before. She quickly pulls out her phone and texts the good news to our friends. I smile too because hers is infectious.
While she texts she rattles off some story involving Emily and Naomi. Something about them being back in the honeymoon period again and it being near impossible to get them to leave Naomi's house. I'm glad they're back to being a happy couple again. All the drama between them was driving us all crazy. How can two people so obviously destined for each other be so oblivious to it? How can they hurt each other so much without even meaning too? That's part of what put me off the whole idea of love. But Emily and Naomi believed in it. They suffered through. And from the stories Katie has been telling me it seems to be worth it.
"So now I know to knock and wait before entering the room because I never wanna walk in on that again." She shudders at the thought and I chuckle at her cuteness. "Anyway your mum should be back soon."
I look at the time and see she's right. Time seems to pass quicker when Katie is around. Last week through the medium of scribbling on paper I insisted mum return to work. She was around all the time and being so fucking Stepford it was freaking me out. At least with her back at work there's some normalcy about her when she comes in ranting about the assholes in the office. When she's vented she and Katie fall into natural conversation. Again. That kind of freaks me out as well, but in other ways I think it's kind of nice. Though I have, again through messages written on paper, asked them time and time again to go home at night they both insist on staying here with me. The nurses brought a temporary bed in for my mum but I feel bad for poor Katie sleeping in that chair all the time. It can't be comfortable. I feel my eyes start to get heavy around 10 o'clock. I'm convinced they're slipping me something to make this happen, either that or it's a side effect of one of the other pills I'm taking. I've never been tired at 10 o'clock before in my life. I stifle another yawn and stay tuned into the conversation they're having.
Katie gives me this amused look as she watches me pointlessly battle to stay awake. I glare at her slightly and she just smiles. It makes me smile too. I move over slightly in my bed and gesture for her to get in beside me. She shouldn't be sleeping in that arm chair when there's more than enough room for both of us in this bed. She looks at me cautiously so I gesture again, this time in a more demanding fashion so that she joins me on the bed. Katie sits on top of it, obviously thinking I just want her to sit with me for a while so I pull back the covers and throw them over her. This time she gets the hint, studying my face and asking me if I'm sure. I roll my eyes and nod. My mum gives us this look like she's wondering what's going on but she says nothing. Katie makes herself comfortable in the bed, thanking me over and over again for offering to share with her. I give her a look that says it's nothing and secretly wish I'd had the wit to ask her sooner. With her in bed beside me I am oddly comfortable. I feel more at ease than ever as I curl into her side and let the sleep take me.
"She agreed to let the others come visit tomorrow." I can hear her tell my mum just before I fall asleep.
"That's fantastic." Anthea sounds relieved. They're quiet for a moment.
"You're really helping her." Mum says gratefully. Katie sucks in a quick breath. I think for once she's at a loss for words but then she gathers herself.
"I'm glad." She says quietly and I feel her softly running her fingers through my hair.
-
I wake up the next morning feeling well rested. My head is resting on Katie's shoulder and her arm is wrapped tightly around me. It feels so nice to have her holding me like that. It might be silly but I stay as still as possible, trying not to wake the others up, just so I can enjoy this feeling for longer. I end up drifting back to sleep breathing in the scent of Katie Fitch. When I wake up again both Katie and Anthea are up too. I'm pleasantly surprised to find Katie hasn't moved and her arm is still very firmly planted on my waist.
"Hey you're up." She says her voice still hoarse from sleep. "How did you sleep?"
The large grin on my face tells her I slept well. She smiles back.
"I'd like to think so; you were snoring half the night!" She scoffs and I glare at her but she just laughs. I do not fucking snore.
"Yes you do." Mum nods. "Sometimes."
Katie giggles while I scowl. She bites her lip to suppress is but it hardly works. I end up giving up trying to maintain my steely stare and laugh a little too.
"Are you going to be alright on your own for a while today?" Mum asks with great concern. I roll my eyes at her. I'm hardly alone after all, with the doctors and nurses barging in every hour or so to check me out and make sure I haven't hurt myself or escaped.
"I won't be gone long." Katie assures her before she has a chance to suggest taking the day off work. Thank fuck for Katie knowing how opposed I am to the idea without me having to tell her. I give her a smile of thanks.
They leave together, mum offering to drop Katie home on her way to work and save her the bus fare. I imagine most of the journey will be spent discussing me and the impending visitors. I am more anxious than usual in Katie's absence today, probably because I am very aware of the fact that she will be returning with company. I just don't know what to expect when Naomi and Emily come today. How will they react to me? Do they blame me for what happened to Freddie? They should. It was my fault after all. Maybe it would be better if they just didn't come. I panic. Breathing becomes more difficult, coming in short gasps as the fear spreads. I think of Katie. Only Katie. I start to relax a little. I focus on why I'm doing this rather than anything else. I can do this. I can do it for Katie.
Fuck I need a distraction. I buzz the nurses' station and am pleased when Nurse Williams appears at my door. I smile at her and hold up a piece of paper telling her I would like to go shower. She smiles and nods encouragingly. Some of the other nurses have made it fairly obvious they do not appreciate my chosen method of communication but Nurse Williams doesn't seem to mind. She just seems pleased that I'm communicating. I like her; excessive cheeriness aside.
"Oh yes. Katie said your friends were coming to visit." Her brown eyes dance when she smiles, not unlike another pair of brown eyes I've been spending a lot of time looking into recently. I nod and force a smile despite the butterflies in my stomach making me feel like I'm about ready to throw up.
"Well let's get you ready for them then." She grins and leads me out of the room. I'm surprised she doesn't insist on putting me in a wheelchair to bring me to the shower room. It really irks me that I have to even ask when I want to have a shower. I mean, seriously. She is polite enough to wait outside while I shower.
It feels good standing under the powerful jet of hot water. If I try hard I can push all thoughts of Naomi and Emily out of my head. I can push all thoughts of this place, of Freddie, of John, my mum, Tony, everyone out of my head. Except for that brunette twin. I can't push her out of my head. Part of me is afraid if I do I will collapse. Part of me really just doesn't want her to be out of my head. I find my mind lingering on certain thoughts, like how good it felt waking up beside her or how her face lit up when I smiled because she snuck me in some cigarettes. I smile to myself as I turn off the water and step back out into the real world.
I feel much better when Nurse Williams accompanies me back to my room. In my nice, fresh, yellow hospital pyjamas that are still 6 sizes too big I settle on top of my newly made bed. I really do look ready for company now, or so Nurse Williams tells me with another beaming smile before she toddles off down the hall.
It isn't long before Katie returns. Naturally I hear her before I see her. I can't help but laugh when I hear her ordering Emily and Naomi to wait outside for a minute while she makes sure I am alright. Naomi makes a comment in response which Katie ignores and opens the door.
"Hey." She looks pleased to see me up and looking fresh. She takes it as enthusiasm for my visitors. "How are you doing?"
I shrug, pressing my lips together tightly, still fighting the urge to vomit. She looks at me with a worried expression on her face.
"You still want to do this?" She asks uncertainly biting her lower lip. I draw a deep breath and look deep into her brown eyes trying to summon some of her strength. I force a smile and nod once. They're already here, why waste a trip?
"You can do this." She squeezes my hand to reassure me.
"Ok you can come in now." She yells, jumping up on the bed beside me. Naomi and Emily tentatively push open the door and slowly move inside.
"Hi!" They greet me brightly with big smiles that I'm surprised are not at all patronising. I smile back at them. Katie has obviously informed them about my silence because they don't seem shocked or even expect a reply.
"How are you feeling?" Emily asks softly. For the first time I notice her eyes are a slightly different colour to Katie's. I smile and nod.
"Good." She smiles. Naomi approaches me with a plastic bag that looks like it's about to burst it's so full. I give her an inquisitive look, narrowing my eyes and looking from her to the bag and back again.
"Katie said you were getting a bit bored so we brought you some presents." She grins and hops onto the bottom of the bed. She proceeds to remove a stack of magazines at least 5 inches thick from the bag and hands them to me. I flick through them, half interested before handing them to Katie, who I know is more interested in them.
"Yeah I probably will get more entertainment from them." She chuckles in agreement. Naomi and Emily share a look over Katie's elaborate interpretation of my non-verbal communication. They seem surprised. Naturally, even I was surprised by how well she understands me.
"Anyway..." Naomi clears her throat and removes the next item from the bag. "I don't think Katiekins will be much help with these."
She gives me a book of crossword puzzles and I laugh. Katie's jaw drops in indignation and she glares at the blonde.
"Less of the smart ass comments Campbell! Or I will have them remove you from the building." She says like she has the authority to do that. I look into Naomi's blue eyes and use them to thank her, hoping to move the conversation along because I'm kind of curious to see what else is in that bag.
"You're welcome. Next we have...a colouring book." She grins with amusement opening it and flicking through it. I give her an un-amused look.
"Don't worry. We brought you crayons too." She rolls her eyes over dramatically. Emily chuckles, perching herself on the edge of my bed.
"The colouring book was Naomi's idea." She assures me.
"You told me you thought it was cute." The blonde pouts.
"I do." Emily assures her by rubbing her hand along her arm. They smile at each other and now I feel sick for a whole other reason. Katie was right about them being nauseating. I roll my eyes at the older twin and she knows exactly what I mean.
"I told you didn't I?" She shakes her head.
"No you really can't." She adds in response to the next look I give her. I feel Emily and Naomi's eyes on us once more.
"How are you doing that?" Naomi asks with a raised eyebrow.
"Doing what?" Katie looks confused, though I know exactly what she's talking about.
"Having a conversation." She looks between us. Katie looks to me and smiles.
"I don't know." She shrugs like she hadn't even noticed there was anything odd about it. "I'm just used to it I guess."
I nod in agreement. The couple share another questioning look before deciding to drop the subject.
"Anyway...Katie also told us the food here was shit so we brought a ton of crap for you to stash away." The red head smiles and gives me another bag of goods. I smile broadly at them but it doesn't feel like enough. I look to Katie, hoping she can take the hint.
"Effy would like to thank you for the gifts. It was very kind and she's glad you came to visit." The brunette translates on my behalf.
"No problem." They say after a minute of looking at us and wondering what's going on. I listen intently while they discuss inane things like what's been happening in the outside world, on television and interfamily disputes. They discuss their travel plans and for a while it's all too easy to forget where we are and why we're here.
"So can you smoke in this place?" Naomi asks, still addressing her questions to me even though she must know by now that Katie will be the one answering.
"Out in the grounds." She nods, although we've yet to establish whether you're actually allowed to smoke out there or if we just haven't been caught yet. As we slip out of the room they surround me, Emily and Katie by my sides and Naomi behind. It's like a poorly executed prison break which we all find highly amusing. Katie leads the way to what we have come to know as our bench. I sit on the arm rest with Katie at my feet. Emily sits beside her and Naomi perches herself on the back of the seat and shares her cigarette with the red head. They're a little surprised to see Katie smoking without being completely drunk but they say nothing. There's more chat and laughter as we spend some time basking in the late summer sunshine.
They are still there when mum arrives back from work. She has a massive grin on her face when she walks into the room; it's fairly obvious she too equates visitors with improvement and I am starting to agree. Their visit has made me think I might just be able to get better. It's late in the evening when Emily and Naomi leave. They say their goodbyes and Emily calls Katie outside for a private chat before they go. She probably wants to ask when she'll be coming home. If they have words in the hall I can't tell when Katie comes back into the room and gets onto the bed beside me. She has a smile on her face that rivals Anthea's.
"That wasn't so bad, was it?" She asks happily. I shake my head and smile. I owe Katie a lot, probably more than she will ever know. I hope one day I can make it all up to her and show her how much I appreciate everything she is doing for me. I'm more tired than usual that night because of the busy day. My head finds that comfortable position on Katie's shoulder and my eyes start to close. I'm vaguely aware of them discussing the afternoon's events as I drift off to sleep, once again safe inside Katie's arms.
