I stand up.
"Where are you going Phil?" my mum asks me, you could tell she was worried. You could tell she felt my pain for a few seconds.
" I need to use the toilet," I run to the bathroom, tears streaming down my face. I lock the bathroom door with my shaky hands and open the cabinets to reveal a blade I left in there. I took it out of the cabinet, blood stains already on it. I pressed the blade to my arm. I cut over older cuts, I can see blood start to come out of my arms. I feel the numbness in my arm, the painless pain. I wash my arm off and I see the blood go into the sink. I put the blade back in the cabinet and make sure, theres no more blood on my arm or the sink. I sneak out of the bathroom and into my room. I am trying so hard to move on with my life. It's just, hard. I sit at my desk and open the drawer, grabbing the note Dan left me,
" Dear Phil,
By the time you get back from the radio show studio, I will be gone. I'm so sorry. I can't take all the phan stuff, I can't handle the fact people keep calling me gay. I decided to drown myself. I want you to know that you are my best friend Phil, never forget that. I know this probably isn't going to be easy for you, I just think it's best. Say goodbye to Chris and Pj for me, tell them thanks for being such amazing friends. I'm going to miss you so much Phil, I'm going to miss making videos with you, I'm going to miss your totally funny personality, but most of all I'm going to miss having a best friend.
~ Dan Howell "
There were tears stains from where I have cried on the letter.
"it's for the best" I read that part in the letter out loud. "IT'S NOT FOR THE BEST DAN! HAVEN'T YOU SEEN WHAT THIS HAS DONE TO ME! I MISS YOU DAN! I REALLY MISS YOU! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!" I yelled at the letter, tears streaming down my face. I can almost hear his voice telling me everything is going to be okay. It's not though.
I hear someone run up the stairs so I hide the letter. Martin bursts into my room.
"Phil! Are you okay!? I heard yelling!" Martin looks at me, worry in his eyes. I shake my head.
" I miss him Martin," I say, tears still streaming down my face. I miss my best friend. I miss the one person who I could be myself with. I miss the one person who actually cared about me. I miss Dan.
Martin gives me a reassuring hug.
"I'm so sorry Phil, I wish he could still be with us. I really wish he was still here. I hate seeing you like this," I push Martin away. He's just saying that to make me happy, he doesn't really mean it. No one gets my pain. Martin looks at me and walks out. I see Luke standing at the doorway. He walks in.
" Why are you crying, you miss your friend?! Sucks huh?" Luke smirks. Why does he hate me so much? I don't even think about it, I just punch him in the face, I can't take it anymore. Luke gets pushed to the ground, now he is crying. He gets up and runs down to go tell on me. I quickly grab the letter Dan wrote, my other blade from the drawer, and put a jacket on. I shove everything in my pocket, and run down the stairs. I'm leaving, and I don't think I'll be ever coming back either.
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