A/N The Holidays have been conducive to me churning out another chapter. I plan to get some momentum for this story before the school semester starts up. Thank you to for the beta help and encouragement all mistakes are mine. I do not own Chuck
Sarah vs. the Best Friend
Chapter Two: A Crossroad of Sorts
Why, why, why, why did I talk to Ellie? Chuck mentally berated himself again, upon fully comprehending the consequences of his emotional confession to Ellie after the mission to the suburbs two weeks ago. Chuck loved Ellie. Chuck hated lying to her, and more than all of that, Ellie had been Chuck's emotional rock for his entire life. The chasm opening between them was one of the most difficult parts of coping with his double life.
So, when Sarah had shot him down at the end of the suburbs mission, which he was not accustomed to, or at least not for the past few months, what had followed was the familiar taste of self-loathing and doubt, and he understandably, yet foolishly confessed to Ellie his greatest fear, that he and Sarah had no future. What was worse, he spoke with certainty and finality.
Could he be blamed for this confession? For this loss of hope? Probably not, Chuck had never felt closer to Sarah than he had during the downtime of the suburbs mission. They had spent hours together, just being — no cameras, no Casey, and (at the time) no real fear of danger. What's more, Chuck had saved Sarah. He could still remember the feeling of her arms wrapped around his neck, her head buried into is chest, and his arms protectively enveloping her. At that moment, she trusted him. Sarah, he had learned, communicated often, just not with her words. She was a woman of action. So, Chuck had learned to pay attention to her actions, and her actions all pointed to Sarah wanting to spend more time with him, with wanting to give Chuck more. So, when she had shot him down, he spiraled, and Ellie was the ground on which he crashed.
"Sarah and I will never be more than what we are right now." Chuck's greatest fear laid bare before his sister. Who, Chuck knew, would not stand idly by and let her brother continue languishing in the almost 7-year quagmire in which his life was seemingly stuck.
What Ellie had not been privy to was the conversation which Sarah and Chuck had the other night, the one where Sarah had made herself known to him. Where she revealed how much she cared about him. Did she confess her love for him? No, but she gave him something tangible, solid, real. Chuck had always been a man with confidence issues. His humility was what endeared him to so many. Virtue becomes vice in excess and Chuck's humility turned quickly to self-effacement and deprecation endearing to some on the outside, but paralyzing to his own ability to live and act. Sarah's confession, her open, honest confession, meant that he was not deluding himself. It meant that there was hope of a future for them even if that future was far from certain. There was hope, and that hope was more than enough for Chuck.
"Chuck we need to talk about Sarah," Ellie said pointedly as Chuck sat down for breakfast.
"Good morning to you too El." Chuck deflected not looking forward to this conversation.
"Chuck, stop deflecting. You said some pretty heavy stuff the other week about Sarah. If you don't think there is a future with you guys, then you should move on."
"Your sister is right Chuckster. As great as Sarah is, if there isn't a hope for a future..." Devon trailed off.
"Sis, Awesome, I love you guys and thank you for looking out for me. Sarah and I's relationship is..."
"Don't you dare say complicated" Ellie interjected
Chuck regrouped, thinking of how to explain but not explain. Gah! This was frustrating; this must be what it's like to be Sarah. Perhaps he could risk the truth, or at least most of it. She had last night.
"Sis what I told you the other week was ill-advised. Sarah and I had a great time in the suburbs. It was incredible, in my excitement, I pushed her into something she was not ready for. Her reaction, and my overreaction to her reaction, led me to tell you what I told you."
Ellie paused and considered Chuck's words, both what was said and unsaid. "Sarah has a troubled past doesn't she," Ellie said with conviction. "It is the only thing that explains her behavior."
"Her past is her business; we are working through things, it's just hard right now. I don't want to say more; it's unfair to her." Chuck spoke with a conviction he was previously unaware of, perhaps he was foolish, but it felt right.
Ellie hesitated for a moment, then asked: "Do you love her?"
Of course he did, of course, he loved Sarah Walker. But Sarah (and Casey, Beckman, and unnamed analyst 3) were not going to hear him say it through a bug. Damn Casey, Beckman, and the bugs in his house. Damn the NSA, the CIA, the secrecy and the spy life, damn the intersect and everything in his life that robbed him of his relationship with Ellie. He was head over heels in love, but he could not celebrate that with his sister. It may end in heartbreak but Ellie, his mother-sister deserved truth.
"Sis, I love you, I know I've been tight-lipped when it comes to Sarah, I'm sorry to have to do it again, but that is a conversation I need to have with her before anyone else." Half-truth totally deniable. Beckman would be proud he thought in disgust.
OoOoOo
Sarah watched on the surveillance feed from the Orange Orange, her mind racing a million miles per minute. She did not regret the words she said to Chuck the other night. He deserved them, hell he deserved more than them, but they were all that she had to give, but seeing this conversation between Chuck and Ellie, hearing how her rejection of him at the suburbs affected him, it sent her mind racing. Not to mention Ellie's last question and Chuck's non-non answer, why could they not just get a breather? Simply a few weeks to be. She was so pleased with her confession to him the other night. So happy that she, the woman of shadow, had risked a step into the light. Could she not have time to adjust? To enjoy her progress rather than being pressured into more. But, self-pity would not resolve this problem. They had a mission briefing in an hour, fulcrum was closing in on their identity, and she could not afford a slip.
Her life had become an emotional tightrope walk. Confess her feelings; she would be reassigned. Hide them, and she could lose Chuck. Lose the man who had become her lifeline to reality. The person who makes her feel real, feel solid, feel human…. again. When he looked at her, he did not see Graham's Enforcer or assassin: he saw Sarah and seeing her he declared her good. End. Stop. Not good in some utilitarian calculus, not as a dark creature fighting for the light. No Chuck saw her, Sarah as good in and of herself and she yearned to be what he saw. She was tired of being the Beast, fighting monsters in the night; she wanted to be the Beauty that he saw.
But alas they were chained in darkness. Until the Fulcrum could be defeated, or more like until the intersect was removed, Chuck was trapped in darkness, in the spy world. So Sarah would remain. To do that she could not give him all of her. Not yet, please wait for me...
OoOoOoO
Chuck walked into the Orange Orange not really looking forward to the conversation he knew he needed to have. He wanted to talk to Sarah. Her confession the other night gave him something significant, gave him hope that what was between them had the possibility of becoming real. But they needed time, from what little he knew of her past, normalcy was the only language she really did not understand how to speak and Ellie did not, and could not, grasp the situation, so her protective instincts were legitimately threatening the very thing Ellie wanted most for Chuck. Hopefully, Sarah would understand.
"Sarah, can we talk for a minute?" Chuck asked seriously.
"Sure, Chuck! Is here ok?" Sarah's asked gesturing to the tables. Chuck smiled, they had learned to read each other so well. Chuck recognized that she was asking if this conversation was appropriate for the cameras. Those filled him with hope, but also made him consider his words carefully.
"Here's fine." Chuck replied. They sat down, and he took a deep breath.
"Sarah, I want to talk about our relationship." Sarah raised an eyebrow subtly glancing at the cameras on the wall. "Well, our cover relationship I guess."
"Sarah, I don't know how much you've seen the surveillance, but Ellie is... on edge about our relationship, err fake relationship. She is worried that it isn't going anywhere and that I am, umm wasting time". Chuck nearly winced as he said the last bit. As great as the other night was, there was so much uncertainty in their future, yes she liked him, but did she want a future with him? All of that was unclear. What was clear is that he wanted to give her a choice. A choice to change their relationship dynamic, perhaps make something real out of it.
"Sarah I want to be honest with you, our cover relationship has been difficult for me. I am not good at compartmentalizing; I am overly emotional, I have a hard time keeping my spy life and my real life straight. You have been the one thing that has kept me from going insane. I cannot thank you enough for that. But I don't know if our cover relationship is actually best for our, well cover, and if I am totally honest, it is probably asking far too much of you. I got El off my back this morning, but if our cover relationship stays well… stagnant, as it is, then, well, Ellie will press harder and harder, and one I hate lying to her, and two she isn't an idiot. She will start pressing more into us and well… will eventually see through it." Chuck trailed off trying to gauge her reaction before speaking again.
OoOoOoO
"What are you suggesting," Sarah asked? Her heart was racing, but her features remained in check. Her head was spinning, she had told him how she felt, well not totally, but she made herself know, was he demanding more? Was it not good enough?
"Sarah, I am not suggesting anything, honestly you know the spy game way better than me, I am telling you how I see the situation and leaving it to your hands. Our situation is complicated, we both know it, any action is fraught with complications, and I want this to be as easy on you as possible."
"How do you see the situation?" Sarah replied.
"Honestly, I see two solutions, well two make the most sense to me, but both of them come with serious… difficulties. Option one, we break up, well, cover break up, our fake relationship." Chuck added hopefully drawing out the word fake. "Option two we take our cover relationship to, well, to the next level" Chuck almost winced as he said this, afraid of going too far, of asking too much of scaring her off. He gathered himself, took a deep breath and pressed on. " Which would probably mean moving in together."
At this Sarah's breathing hitched, it was as if her tightrope had just halved in size. Chuck was knocking her off of it. If she fell to the left, she could lose the precious moments they had spent together over the past year and a half. Lose the ability to touch him, to run her fingers through his curls, to show him bits of her love in the screwed up way she knew how. But, if she fell to the right moving in together, would the place be surveyed? Could she resist her feelings for him? Gosh, it was hard enough as is was with them spending a few hours a day. What if Beckman found out? What if she was reassigned? She would lose him forever. But, he was right, and he had read the situation well. They could continue in the manner they have been, but it would only draw more suspicion from Ellie. This assignment had no end in sight. So stalling would not due. They were at a crossroads.
"Sarah?" Chuck asked seeing her lost in thought. "We don't have to decide anything now; I just wanted to talk to you about it before the General or Casey hears the tape and takes matters into their own hands. Most of the control has been taken from my life, I'm learning to deal with it, but I think I'm gonna try and fight for what little control I can."
"Chuck, you just said that you wanted to leave this decision in my hands, how does that give you more control in your life?" Sarah was deflecting, but she was also genuinely curious.
"I trust you," Chuck stated simply. "Sarah, I know protecting me is your job, you are the best, better than that, you have treated me like a person. You call me by my name; you care about my life, more than just the intersect. You have gone so far above and beyond. Whatever you decide, please don't forget about yourself. I don't want to be a burden on you any more than I have to. I complain, but I know our fake relationship can't be easy or at least convenient for you.
Sarah could not help but smile. He was worried about her, after what she has put him through, what the government has put him through, what providence has put him through, he was concerned about her.
"Chuck, first of all, you aren't an inconvenience. I am…we are, the inconvenience on you, you did not ask for any of this, and we have kept you from living your life. That being said I, I don't think it's a good idea for us to break up." Cover or otherwise Sarah thought. "I think it would create more problems than it would solve, we couldn't account for my continued presence in your life. As far as moving in together… I need some time to think about it." Operationally or Personally? "In the meantime, if Ellie asks could you tell her something like that we are taking it slowly enjoying each others company and we don't know what the future holds but we will wait and see?"
Chuck took a deep breath, sadness breaking into his features his eyes searched hers, looking for truth in her last sentence. He began to speak but stopped, then said
"Sure Sarah I can do that."
A/N I thought it was a weak plot device having Chuck break up with Sarah right before Cole entered the fray. It does not really do justice to their developing relationship and Chuck's declaration at the end of Chuck vs. Best Friend one episode before. Now, I am aware that the order was messed up, but for my story's purpose I am keeping the airing order and using it to launch into AU. Also, Chuck appears more confident in my story here. That confidence will not be unshakable; as much as I want that to be the case, it is not true to his character. Anyways, my current plan is to do a detailed walkthrough of relevant portions of several episodes leading up to Season 3 where we will go A/U totally. I welcome feedback, drop me a line and let me know what y'all think.
