2. Lost in Translation
We pulled up in the parking lot of Jasper's, seeing he done put a sign in the window saying he gone to town. I knew how he could be when he was there, so I figured it'd be a bit before he'd get back. Emmett and me would just have to wait it out. My pickup sure did need the gas, or we wouldn't be going nowhere for long.
We jumped out of the cab and done sat down on the tailgate, making ourselves all comfy like. I looked down at the Pabst in my hand before taking a drink. I was gonna need a new one real soon. I sure was glad we brought the cooler with us, because we'd probably be here for a while.
"I's sure do hopes Jasper gets back here soon. I's suppose to take the twins over yonder to the salvage yard for parts for cousin Ben's Rabbit. He says it needs a new master cylinder," Emmett said as he grabbed another Pabst out of the cooler.
"He'll get here when he gets here, Emmett," I replied. "Why Ben don't get his own parts, I's dunno. He needs to gets over his fear of them there magnets."
"Yous be scared of 'em too, Edward, if yous had a metal plate in yer head."
"True dat, I's suppose."
Our cousin, Ben Cummings, had a little accident a few years back. We was all out one night cow tipping and he done tripped and banged up his head on a big ole rock. The cow woke up during the tipping and took a shit all over Ben while he was passed out. He ended up cracking his head open pretty good. Even my pa, Carlisle, couldn't patch him back together. He had to go all the way to that St. John's hospital in Springfield. He had been there for more than a month. At least he had that good hospital cooking while he was there. I hear it's mighty tasty.
Ben hasn't been right since, though; he tends to walk a bit to the left. Good thing the floor in his trailer ain't level, or he'd always be walking into the walls.
He does have a fear of them magnets, though, ever since his last trip to the salvage yard. You see, they have these big ole magnets that pick up all the scrap metal and drops it on the train. One day, Ben got a little too close to the magnet, and it done sucked him up in it and then dropped him on that train right before it took off. No one found him, and it took him a week to walk back home.
He won't even go near my ma's refrigerator now. You see, she collects them pretty magnets and has them all over it. Ben dern near flips out if he even sees them.
"I's thought he put a master cylinder in that car last spring?" I asked Emmett after taking a long swig of my beer.
"I's think he did, but it was a dud. Needs a new one. I's ain't complainin' though. I's sure do like going to that fancy salvage yard down there in Macks Creek."
"That sure is a nice one. But watch out for them po-lice. They's likes to give out the tickets down there."
"That they do. Ben gots one of their tickets the last time he was down there fishin' for parts. That sure was a bad day for him, wuttin it?" Emmett chuckled. I joined in with him, because hell, that shit was funny.
We were both still laughing when I saw a car coming down the road. It was real fancy like, and redder than a baboon's butt after a bout with the diarrhea.
As it neared us, I heard an awful ruckus. That there car was having problems. Ain't no denying that. It pulled up next to one of them gas pumps and then shuddered to a stop. Yep, they weren't gonna be able to go much further than that.
Emmett kept on laughing beside me, but as soon as the shiny door to that fancy car opened, I couldn't pay him no more attention because a lady, the likes I never did see before, had stepped out and was strutting cross the pavement heading toward the door to the Quick Lube.
From the looks of her, she wasn't from around these here parts. She was wearing fancy clothes that matched her fancy car, and a pair of boots that made her walk clear up on her tippy toes.
A sudden look of panic flashed across her pretty features when she looked our way, and I wondered what that was all about. Emmett and me were just sitting there minding our own business. We wasn't hurting nothing.
I had to laugh a little when she tried to open the door. She nearly fell right on over when the door didn't budge one bit. When she started spewing them big curse words about her ma, I knew she wasn't the sort of lady that we see around here much. We are always respectful of our ma's. Always. Unless we was wanting a switch taken after us. Trust me on this one, a ma with a switch is a bad thing to have. Not that I know much about that, seeing how it was Emmett always getting the switching.
She sure didn't seem to like the fact that Jasper wasn't there and was wanting to know how far town was. Maybe she wanted to go meet him, but I didn't think Jasper was friendly enough to take kindly to that. We told her how far it was and she done thought her car would make it. That there car wasn't going nowhere and I told her as much.
We didn't mind keeping her company while she waited on Jasper. She seemed like good people.
I caught her taking a look at my shit kickers. I reckon she was wondering why I wasn't up on my tippy toes, too, but I was pretty sure I couldn't walk in them there high shoes like she was a doing. She must've been one of them circus ladies that could walk on them there stilts or something. Emmett always did want to go down there to Springfield when the circus was there, but we never made it that far. It would be mighty fine to see them elephants though. I hear they are mighty smart critters.
We just stood there for a spell while she was looking at my boots when the other door to her fancy car opened. Another lady stepped out, and by golly, she was wearing the same high shit kickers. They made a funny clicking ruckus as she walked, and I just knew they had to be the circus folk. It just made no sense anyhow else.
When the short lady made her way over to us, I introduced Emmett and me to them. I mean, my ma raised me right and I just had to be friendly to them. They still seem mighty flustered that Jasper wasn't around and I got to wondering what Jasper had to do with the circus.
I offered them a beer, because it was hotter than a spanked baby's butt out and it was just the polite thing to do. It just ain't nice to be drinking a cool beverage and not offer to share, you see, but they didn't want no beer. Maybe they liked the Bud instead of the Pabst. All we had was the Pabst, though.
The taller one asked again where town was and I just knew they wouldn't make it in that there car. I tried to tell them again and I says to her, I says, "It's an awful hot day for a walk. 'Specially in them there shit kickers." I know she didn't like that's too much, but I was too busy looking at her legs to care. Her britches was so short her butt cheeks were fixing to fall right on out. I done thought it must be part of her circus getup.
She told me her name was Bella and I thought to myself, that sure is a purdy name. I never heard of that name before.
I laughed when they said they was taking the Route 66 into St. Louie. They sure was a long way off their path. I don't know how they ended up here in Climax Springs.
Now, it was getting hotter than hell's basement on the day of reckoning, so I wasn't surprised when they asked for water, but we had no water. I felt bad we didn't, but we just had no use for the stuff. Ain't nothing better than a cold beer.
We all stood there shooting the shit for a while. I told them how I was older than Emmett and they told us they was from Los Angelies. I would like to go to a fancy place like that someday, but I don't think I was ever gonna go. It was a long ways from Climax Springs.
"It was nice to meet you, Edward, but I think Alice and I will take our chances making it to the next gas station. Could you please direct us which way to go?" Bella asked all stirred up like. She sure was prettier than a speckled pup being all flustered like she was.
"Yous need to head in that 'rection, ma'am, but I's really don't think yous'll make it. Bes' wait for Jasper to get here to take a look under yer hood," I replied, pointing my finger down the road.
"Thank you, but no. We really need to be going now," she said as she turned on them circus boots and headed for her car. The short lady, who I learned was named Alice, followed behind her.
"Bye boys, it was nice to meet you," Alice hollered, showing off her pretty smile as she sat down in the car.
I walked back over to my truck and propped my back up against it, shaking my head and crossing my feet. "They's never gonna make it, Emmett. They's gonna break down and haveta foot it. It's hotter than a billygoat wit a blowtorch out here today, too. No lady should be have'n to foot it in this here heat."
"Well, we's can't go to stoppin' 'em. Yous did what's yous could, bro. Yous did what's yous could," Emmett replied. I nodded my head, agreeing with him. It wouldn't be right forcing a lady to do something she didn't wanna do. We had to let them go.
We watched as they started up their car, but as soon as Bella tried to put it in gear, a god awful racket filled the air all around us, sounding like a cranky ole coon dog, and something fell loose under the car's belly. It just done smacked the pavement.
They weren't going nowhere.
"Toss me 'nother them there beers, Emmett. Looks like we's be here for a while," I said. Emmett opened the cooler and tossed me a Pabst. I caught it and popped the top, taking a long swig. It sure was mighty tasty on a hot day the likes of today.
About then, we heard Bella hollering about her ma again.
"Mother fuck!" she yelled to no one and everyone as she climbed out of the car. Emmett looked at me and I knew what he was thinking. If we talked about our ma like that, we'd be deader than the skunk Emmett hit with the tractor that morning.
"What the hell are we going to do now? We're stuck in the middle of fucking nowhere!" Bella yelled to no one as she fished a little black rectangle out of her back pocket. She held it up to her face, looking at it all serious like. "And there's no cell reception. How the hell can there be no reception? Fucking perfect. What kind of place is this?"
"Well, it's Climax Springs, of course," Emmett told her. He looked all confused like at me, no doubt wondering how she done forgot where she was so fast like. But apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because Bella looked madder than the snake that married the garden hose.
Alice opened her door and got back out. "It'll be fine, Bella. We'll just wait until this Jasper guy gets here and let him fix it. It can't be that bad. We'll be back on the road before you know it."
"I's not so sure 'bout that, ma'am. A part of yous fancy car done did falled off under it there," I said and the two of them done did bended over and looked under that there car. I felt my heart go all pitter-patter like at the sight that was before me. I'd been right about Bella's butt cheeks wanting to fall right out of her circus britches.
But I ain't complaining.
They stood up and I had to avert my eyes, because a gentleman shouldn't be ogling the ladies where they can see it and I'm always a gentleman.
"What the fuck are we going to do, Alice? We can't stay in this...here," Bella said, flailing her hands all in the air, looking at me and Emmett likes we was a critter with three heads. Last time I checked, I only had two, though. Maybe they're used to three headed critters in that there circus she belongs to.
"It be alright, ma'am. Jasper be here's soon and he get you fixed right up," I said, thinking I needed to say something to make them feel better.
"Yous can have a beer if yous want one," Emmett said as he went to fishing for another cold one in the cooler.
"Well, I guess if we're staying for awhile, I'll take a beer," Alice, the short lady, said as she started to walk over to my pickup where we were.
"Sure thing, darlin'. Here's ya go." Emmett tossed a Pabst to her and she done screamed as it came at her and it fell to the ground and busted open, spewing us three in beer.
"What the hell did you do that for?" Alice yelled as she jumped away from the beer at her feet. "You're going to ruin my shoes!"
I never knew a lady to be scared of the beer like she was. It sure was something else.
We heard a snorting sound that sounded like one of Ma and Pa's pigs coming from Bella, and we all looked at her. "I'm just going to go sit in the car and enjoy the AC while I can. It's too fucking hot for this shit," she said as she plopped right back in the driver's seat. That fancy car was still a running, so I knew the tranny must have gone out on it or something.
"Wells, looks like we's all should make ourselves comfy, like. It might be awhile 'til Jasper gets here," I said as I sat back down on the tailgate of my pickup. I took a long swig of my beer until it was all gone and grabbed another one, popping it open.
I watched Bella sitting in her car, looking as sad as a cucumber, but all I really saw was how she was prettier than a mess of fried catfish. We didn't have ladies like her in these here parts. Boy howdy.
About ten minutes later, that there fancy car stopped a running and Bella started banging her head on that there steering wheel.
"Is she's gonna be alright?" I asked Alice since she was still standing by us. She'd finally got a beer she wasn't scared of and was drinking it down.
"I think the car ran out of gas. It was getting low when we pulled in here. She'll be fine, though. She can be a little on the moody side, but she's really sweet. She's just stressed out right now. It's been a long morning for her."
"I's sure do hopes she be alright. I's can see yous good people," I replied. Alice smiled real big like at me. Her teeth were as white as the snow on a bull's back.
Just then, the door to Bella's fancy car opened and she got out. She sure looked madder than Dolly Parton after a silicone recall. She strutted her way to us and glared at me before looking at Alice. I sure didn't know what that was about, but I just let it go.
"The car ran out of gas," she mumbled to Alice.
"No shit, darlin'. We's figured that one out when it done turned off," Emmett said. "Wanna beer?"
"No, I don't want a goddamned beer! I want to get the hell out of here, but it looks like we're stuck in this backward ass town until this Jasper guy gets here, and even then who knows how long it's going to take him to fix the damn car. I mean, who puts a sign on the door of the only fucking gas station for miles saying they've gone to town? Who does that? And where the fuck is town? No one will even fill me in on that important piece of information. How do you even know he will make it back today? Did it ever occur to him to maybe hire someone to be here when he can't be because, I don't know, someone may actually need gas or something? Is it so hard to be around during normal business hours? Apparently so, because he's just fucking gone!"
Bella said all that without so much as taking a breath. She must have real healthy like lungs. I do declare.
"Well, alright," I said, not really knowing what else to say. I just figured I better done agree with her before she starts to kicking things, or people, with them pointy shit kickers. I was sure that wouldn't feel very nice. Not at all.
"Yous sure madder than a hunch back in a limbo competition, darlin'," Emmett said as he held a beer out to her again. She slapped his hand away.
"I said I didn't want a beer," she hissed, just like one of them there rattlesnakes. Emmett looked at his hand and his bottom lip puckered out a bit at the scolding he done got from her. Emmett don't like the scoldings.
"I's sorry, ma'am. Yous have to forgive Emmett. He's a lil slow sometimes, but he's mean good," I told Bella. He weren't very bright, but he be my brother.
"I'm sorry. I'm just pissed off," Bella said, looking over at Emmett. He sure looked like he was about to cry. She took a deep breath and let it all out a sudden, likes a flustered horse. "I didn't mean it."
"That's quite alright there, ma'am. I's be upset too if my fancy car stopped a workin'," Emmett said, trying to hide a sniffle.
"Do's all the circus folks have fancy cars likes that?" I asked them, trying to change the subject to something happier. Just thinking about having circus folk here in Climax Springs was sure to make Emmett all giddy like. He would forget all about Bella hollering at him and making him cry.
"Circus folks?" Alice asked. She sounded a bit confused, but Emmett sure did perk up next to me.
"Yes, ma'am, circus folk. I's just figured yous from the circus when yous wearing them there stilty shoes. I's mean, who wears shit kickers the likes of them if theys not wit the circus?"
"Are you calling us fucking clowns?" Bella said all flustered like, again. She sure does like them there dirty words. I do declare.
"Well, I's, uh, I's reckon I's don't know. Do's the circus clowns wear the stilty shoes, too?" I asked. I'd never been to the circus, so I wasn't sure if they did, but apparently Bella didn't like me asking that. She sure looked madder than a flasher at one of them nudie colonies. I wasn't sure what to think about that.
About that time, we heard the sound of Jasper's motorcycle coming down the road and we all turned around just as he pulled into the parking lot.
"Well, I'll be, Jasper's back early," I said, knowing it would make these ladies mighty happy.
"What the hell is he riding?" Alice and Bella said at the same time.
"A motiecycle, of course," Emmett said as he jumped off the back of the pickup. He'd been drinking since eight that morning, so he stumbled a little bit. I was starting to feel the funnies a bit, too. This Pabst sure was good drinking.
"That is supposed to be a motorcycle? It's made from wood!" Bella said, her voice all high pitched like.
"Yes'iree, it's a motiecycle. Jasper done did made it himself. He's real proud of it, like," I told her. It was a mighty nice motorcycle too. He been fixing to make another one for his lady, but he needed to find her first.
He pulled up beside us and got off. We could tell he was a little flustered because he had a big ole frown on his face.
"Wuts up, bro? Where yous been?" Emmett asked as he threw his arm around Jasper's shoulder. Jasper nearly fell to the ground because Emmett put all his weight into it. I reckon Emmett was drunker than I thought.
"Dernnit, Emmett, get off me," Jasper hollered and pushed Emmett off him. "I's be over in town, stakin' out the Kum-n-Go. They's up to sumin, I's knows they is," he said.
"They's just a store, Jasper. They's not up to nuttin," Emmett replied, and it sure was a mistake because we watched Jasper's face turn red rights in front of us. He was madder than a snail at a salt lick.
"They's got spies workin' for 'em. Before we's knows it, they's be here in Climax Springs," Jasper hollered again.
"Spies? In a store?" Bella said and Jasper turned around to look at her. She was laughing and Jasper, he don't like being laughed at much.
"Yes, darlin', spies. They's everywhere," he said, all serious like. Bella done did snorted at him and turned back toward her car. Jasper looked at Emmett and me. Emmett shrugged his shoulders, just as confused as me. I could see the gears a turning in Jasper's head already. I knew what he was thinking.
"So tells me, darlin', who are yous and what brings yous to Climax Springs?" he asked Bella as she walked to her car. She stopped and turned around. She opened her mouth to say something, but I beat her to it.
"They's not spies, Jasper. They's broke down and needs yous to fix their fancy car over yonder there," I said.
"Broke down?" he said, as if he don't believe a word of it. He done had that crazy look in his eyes.
"Yes, we broke down. We hit a pothole the size of Africa, and the car started making fucked up noises. We pulled in here and it just...died," Bella said, pointing to the ground near her car.
"Alright, I's take a look," Jasper said after waiting a long spell. As he walked to the car, Bella crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Jasper's back.
"He know what he's doin', ma'am," I said to her. Jasper was now laying on the ground looking at the car's belly. I heard him snort and mutter something like, "Dern foreigners and theys stupid, fancy cars."
He stood up and walked back over to us. "Yous drive shaft done did fell off," he said all matter of fact like.
"I's think they's broke their tranny, too," I added as I took another drink of my beer.
"Tranny?" Alice asked with a laugh. We all looked at her, not sure what was so funny about a broken tranny. Apparently, Bella was in on the funny because she snorted a bit, too.
"Well, if that be the case, it'd take a lil longer to fix. I's don't have the parts for these outta country cars. I's can push it in the garage and take a good look at it and order the parts. Should be in by next week, week after next at the latest."
"What?" both ladies yelled again and I started to think it must be something they do in that circus, talking together, like.
"We can't be stuck here for a week or two. We have a wedding to get to. My mother's wedding!" Bella wailed. Her pretty face got all scrunched up and sad like.
"I's do what I's can, ma'am, but I's gotta get the parts. When theys get here I's get it fixed faster than a cat can lick its butt," Jasper said.
"Where the fuck are we suppose to stay? We're in the middle of fuck all nowhere!"
"Yous can stay with Edward here. He got the room," Emmett slurred.
"We don't know Edward," Bella said as she gave Emmett the stink eye.
"Sure yous do. He right here. He's good people," Emmett said as he slapped me hard on the back. He forgets his own strength when he's been drinking the Pabst, and I stumbled forward a bit.
"He right, ya know. Yous can stay wit me. I's be happy to have ya," I said, smiling at the ladies, because it's the polite thing to do. My granddaddy's old house had plenty of room for them two ladies, especially with how pretty they were.
"What about a hotel? There's got to be one close by," Alice said.
"Nah, they's ain't any here in Climax Springs. They's all over in town. Yous can stay wit me."
"I think I'll try AAA. Maybe they can get us to a hotel," Bella said as she pulled that black rectangle out of her pocket again. "Shit, still no service. Alice, let me see your phone."
Alice fished in her pocket and pulled out another black rectangle and handed it over to Bella.
"Yes! You have two bars. We may be able to save this shitastic day yet," Bella said all happy like. She started to push her fingers over what looked like little buttons and it made a beeping sound. She started to bring it up to her ear, but before she was able to do it, Jasper grabbed the two rectangles she was holding and threw them in the water barrel that was next to the building.
"What the fuck!" Bella hollered and she done stomped her foot. I took a step back, waiting for the steam to blow out her ears. She was so mad she could probably spit.
"They's have spies in 'em. I's seen them things over yonder there in town at the Kum-n-Go. Yous use 'em and the spies will come a watchin' everything yous do. They's not safe to have and I's not allowin' the spies to come here to Climax Springs. No ways, no hows," Jasper said as his eyes looked all around us, panicky like.
"You just ruined our fucking Blackberries! Now what are we going to do?" she continued to holler. Those rectangles sure didn't look like you could eat them. They sure wouldn't be mighty tasty. They just couldn't be blackberries.
"Is there a pay phone around here?" Alice asked Jasper. It looked to me like she was a bit sweet on him by the way she was looking at him.
"Nah, we's don't have them teliephone things. They's all have the spies. They's use to be one over yonder there, but Emmett runned it over wit the tractor one day," Jasper said back to her and I reckon he was sweet on her too because his eyes got all sparkly like when he looked at her.
"Perfect, just fucking perfect," Bella muttered.
Just then, we heard a bark and we turned around to see my dog Lucky running over to us.
"Lucky, where yous been, dog?" I asked him. He's a real smart dog. I know he understands me even when he pretend he don't.
He paid me no attention and walked over to Emmett and tried to hike his leg to take a piss on him, but he fell over and his piss started to hit Emmett all over his front. You see, Lucky only has three legs. One of his front ones fell off when Emmett ran over him with the tractor one day, the same day he ran over that telephone thing. Since then, Lucky has taking a liking to pissing on Emmett's leg every time he sees him.
Emmett had been drinking the moonshine that day and we told him not to drive the pickup. He listened to us and didn't drive the pickup, but he did get on that there tractor so he could drive over to where Rose was. Lucky was sleeping in the road and Emmett thought he was one of them there speed bumps, which made no sense at all because we didn't have any of them here in Climax Springs, so Emmett ran right over him. My pa, Carlisle, tried to patch Lucky up, but he couldn't, so Lucky lost his leg.
He's been holding a grudge against Emmett ever since.
"Dernnit, Lucky! Stop pissin' on me," Emmett yelled, but he didn't move away as he got soaked with the dog piss. He really had too much of the Pabst, I reckon.
When Lucky was done, I tried to help him up and pet him, but he growled at me like and walked over to Jasper and sat down beside him. I still don't know why he does that, but he sure does like Jasper.
"Let's get yous ladies to Edward's house," Emmett said.
"Yous not ridin' in the front of my pickup wit the dog piss coverin' yous, Emmett. Grab Lucky and hop in the back. Ladies, yous can sit up front wit me," I said.
"There is no way in hell we are getting into that truck with you. You're fucking drunk!" Bella said. She sure did have a temper for such a pretty lady.
"I's okay, I's only had 'bout ten of these here Pabst's and it ain't that far of a drive," I told her. I really didn't feel that much of the funnies. I'd be okay to drive the pickup. Ten Pabst's, that was just a warm up.
"You are obviously drunk. You can't even stand without swaying," she said.
"I's not swayin'," I said. I didn't think I was swaying anyway. Ain't nothing spinning yet.
"Yes you are. This day is shitty enough as it is. I don't want to die on a strange road, in a strange town, in a strange man's truck, with some guy covered in dog piss. Give me the god damn keys. I'll drive."
AN: Hope you liked the chapter. Remember, this is meant to be fun. We know not everyone in the country sounds like this, but Edward wouldn't be Hickward if he didn't. Also, we don't plan to have overlapping chapters like these first two. We thought it was kinda important for "THE Meeting" to be told from both POVs. So don't get use to it. Just sayin'...
BIG hairy ball thank yous to our kick ass betas bookgeek80 and MaggieCullen and our pre-readers AGirlReckoning and Venis Envy. We love you ladies.
Let us know what you think. Love to all. Carry on.
~ NowforRuin and MsRason
