It's been a month since Brittany had turned up on my door step and I still didn't have the guts to phone her. I've had a month to figure everything out, how I feel about repairing our friendship and starting again but I have no idea what I want. I have feelings for Brittany, they've always been there and thats the reason I could never put myself out there properly. I never had an emotional attachment to them and continued to end it before it went further. They were all beautiful, successful and had amazing personalities but there was nothing there. I was still in love with someone else. So that's my big dilemma, I don't hate her and I would happily allow her back in my life as long as she had an explanation for why the hell she packed up and left but I don't know how I'd feel about being friends with her. Would that be enough? Would that give me closure so I could push past whatever this was and fall in love with someone else? Who knows but I'll have to figure out whether I can be her friend.
After a heavy interrogation Kurt finally admitted to giving Brittany my address, she knew I was in LA because of the tabloids and managed to find Kurt's contact details on the internet apparently. It didn't take long for Kurt to crack, I may have started chopping up his clothes but I only managed to get through one sweater anyways. I definitely did him a favour. He said he couldn't resist Brittany's sweet voice and gave in to her immediately, he's unbelievably easy.
I think Brittany made a silent deal with me saying that she would wait until I was ready. She could get my number easily off Kurt, in fact I'm pretty sure she already has it but she hasn't called. Even when my single was released 3 days after our reunion she still never called. It was dedicated to her; she deserved it because she pushed me to follow my dreams. I actually can't believe she managed to keep quiet and not contact me after that, I knew it was a big deal to her so it must have been hard to keep her end of the silent deal.
All of the attention had finally started to calm down and I managed to squeeze in studio hours this week, I needed my new single finishing because the deadline is in 2 days. It's slow and it's about Brittany but she won't know that, I just needed to fix the beat and it would be ready. If it isn't finished my career would be over before it had even properly started. I needed that beat.
I was playing around with the sound boards, lost in my own little world when I got a call from the front desk. It frightened the shit out of me and it pissed me off. This was supposed to be my time, no distractions.
"What do you want I'm busy?" I spat down the phone. I didn't know how much studio time I could squeeze in so I couldn't be disturbed, not until I found my beat.
"There's a woman hear to see you, she said it's important" The receptionist had learnt to ignore me when I was a bitch just as Brittany did.
"And? Send her away."
"Her name is Brittany."
Fuck! I still hadn't figured everything out and I needed this time. Looks like I'm going to have to face her one way or another.
"Send her up." I said before ending the call, I couldn't stop by jam session so she would just have to say whatever while I was working. I could feel the palms of my hands sweating and my breathing speeding up. I need to get over this, this nervousness around her needs to stop. I took a sip of water and continued on until I heard the door go behind me.
"Hey" She said sheepishly as she walked through the door. She looked beautiful even though she was just in sweats. Her hair was tied back into a messy bun and her skin was glistening with sweat. She'd clearly just come from a dance class.
"Yes?" I replied back sharp without looking up from the soundboard.
"I know we made that silent deal that I wouldn't contact you-" So she did make that deal! "-but it's been a month and I really want to sort everything out. I would like to sit down with you and have a mature adult conversation if you are willing and tell you everything." She said, her voice doesn't falter, she's always been confident no matter how much of a bitch I am.
"When?" Was all I managed to reply with.
"As soon as possible, I need my friend"
"I'm busy at the moment but come to my house tonight at 9pm; I should be done by then." I replied finally looking up and meeting her gaze. A smile instantly spread across her face and she nodded.
"I'll leave you to it and see you then." I watched her turn and walk towards the door but then she turned back around and walked towards me. Within seconds she was hovering over me and had her hands on the sound board. She started playing around until she finally stood up straight and smiled. "Why don't you try this?" She said before heading out the door without another word.
I didn't even realise a beat was playing; I could still feel her breathe on my skin. My skin was all tingly but when I finally heard the beat she had just created it was like everything clicked. It was beyond perfect and it was it. All my work and she figures it out in seconds without even hearing the song. She always knew how to fix everything.
After calling Bryan and playing it to him he immediately agreed that it was perfect and that we should start recording. I still had a good 4 hours and it could be done by then. It was going to be perfect and was definitely my next single!
Recording finished at just before 9 and then I transferred it over to a disc, the studio was only a 5 minute drive so I was happy to let Brittany wait 10 minutes. It was a beautiful night anyway. I pulled up onto my drive and could see her sitting on the door step watching the stars. She was wearing a floral summer dress and her hair was slightly curled. She looked flawless.
I got out of the car and walked towards her. She was looking directly at me, her beautiful smile gracing her lips as always. She's always so forgiving, I'm late and she still looks at me like that.
"Sorry I'm late, I have just managed to record that whole song after you produced that amazing beat. Thank you, the song sounds amazing and I couldn't have done it without you." I shouted at her and wrapped my arms around her. I had no idea why but I needed this. She instantly reciprocated the hug and I felt safe wrapped in her arms. It was so familiar, so peaceful. I hadn't felt this amazing since we were together. The same vanilla body wash invaded my senses and I squeezed even tighter, this is what I'm missing.
After finally releasing her I smiled a genuine toothy grin which I haven't done in a long time and invited her in. Again, she removed her shoes and curled up on the couch waiting for me to join her with chocolate, skittles and Dr Pepper. Some things never change.
"So seems as though you made this beat your name gets put next to it. It'll be Santana Lopez ft. Brittany S. Pierce" I said with the same smile as before.
"That's sounds so cool but I can't do that, it took me 10 seconds to do and you put so much hard work into it. I couldn't take that."
"Lets face it, the song was never going to be successful if it didn't have an amazing beat and I wouldn't have found it. You found it, you made it amazing and your name deserves to be there. There's no one else I would rather share this with Britt." I said as I shuffled closer towards her and placed my hand on her back. All those terrible feelings were replaced by amazing ones and although I wasn't sure I could be just friends I was sure as hell going to try.
"Are you sure San?" She asked she looked like she was taking so much from me. I don't know why but she looked so fragile.
"Positive." I replied and instantly got a bone crushing hug which was even better because she initiated it. I just relax as soon as I'm in her arms. I have no idea how I managed to live without this for 5 years but I have it back.
"So can I hear the song, I noticed you brought a disc in. Is that it?" she pointed towards the cd with it on and that's when my smile finally faltered. She would click straight away but I couldn't hide it, not if her name was going to be on it.
"Of course, I'll just put it in." I said with the fakest smile plastered on my face. There was no way I was getting out of this. It was going to be so awkward. I walked my way over to the stereo, when the beat kicked in I sat down next to Brittany but she got up and reached for my hand. I took it without a second thought and we started swaying along to the beautiful music we had created.
"Sing San, please?" she had her pout on and I couldn't say no, I knew I wouldn't be able to look at her as I sang though. There was way too much emotion so I laid my head on her shoulder and continued to sway untiI the words started.
Don't have much to give, but I don't care for gold
What use is money, when you need someone to hold?
Don't have direction, I'm just rolling down this road
Waiting for you to bring me in from out the cold
You'll never know the endless nights, the rhyming of the rain,
Or how it feels to fall behind and watch you call his name
My voice was shaky as I started; I was terrified this would frighten her away. The words described exactly how I felt when Brittany was with Sam and it was quite clear it was about him, it was such a hard time. I just wrote songs, ate and slept. I never left my room.
Pack up and leave everything,
Don't you see what I can bring
Can't keep this beating heart at bay
Set my midnight sorrow free,
I will give you all of me
Just leave your lover, leave him for me.
Leave your lover, leave him for me.
We sit in bars and raise our drinks to growing old
Oh, I'm in love with you and you will never know,
But if I can't have you I'll walk this life alone
Spare you the rising storms and let the rivers flow
You'll never know the endless nights, the rhyming of the rain
Or how it feels to fall behind and watch you call his name
We continued to sway and I knew I was crying and getting Brittany's shoulder damp but I couldn't look at her. Not as I sung this, I was so vulnerable. She'd never seen me be so emotional, I was never one to express my feelings.
Pack up and leave everything,
Don't you see what I can bring
Can't keep this beating heart at bay
Set my midnight sorrow free,
I will give you all of me
Just leave your lover, leave him for me
Leave your lover, leave him for me.
Leave your lover, leave him for me.
When the song finished I continued to cry on Brittany's shoulder. We stopped swaying but she never stopped holding me, we just stood there still holding each other without a word. When I finally stopped crying I managed to look up and was met with ocean blue eyes. They were red and puffy and Brittany had obviously been crying as well.
"I'm sorry." Was all I managed to squeak out as I tried to pull away but she held me tight refusing to let me go.
"What are you sorry for, because it was about me and Sam?" she questioned while trying to meet my gaze but I couldn't look at her. I just nodded barely, if she wasn't waiting for it she wouldn't have known I did it. She lifted my chin so I was looking straight at her and continued. "There's no need to apologise, it was beautiful and I just want you to know I never loved him Santana. I only ever loved you."
That's all I needed before I crashed my lips into hers and I felt like I was going to explode. It was magical. I had a stampede going on in my stomach and nearly died when Brittany parted her lips to allow my tongue access. My tongue slid across hers and they danced together perfectly in sync. It was perfect, after all these years and our lips were still a perfect fit.
When the kiss broke I was overcome by so many emotions. I was so happy that I finally got to kiss the love of my life once again. I thought I'd never be able to do that but I did. But every bad feeling is 100x more powerful than the good ones.
Doubt instantly flooded my mind, what if she only kissed me because I initiated it. She probably just felt sorry for me because of the song. She can't love me after 5 years.
I pushed her away, as hard as it was. "You need to leave Brittany." I said harshly storming past her and opening the door.
"But San" she whispered. She was so weak, so vulnerable. I couldn't I just couldn't. She didn't want this and I couldn't be just friends.
"I can't do this Brittany, just leave. Please." And with that she left. She always knew when to listen to me. I love Brittany S. Pierce and I can't just be her friend. It would be impossible.
Authors Note: The song Santana sung was Sam Smith's Leave Your Lover. It's a beautiful song, if you haven't heard it you should check it out. Thoughts?
