Chapter Two

Penelo wasn't sure how long they sat there on the bed, both completely wide awake. Her sense of time, normally very keen, was completely skewed. It felt as though it had been hours since it had happened. And it felt like it had only been an instant.

She closed her eyes tightly. The tremors in her body had finally subsided, the shock of what had happened slowly draining away like sand slipping through her fingers, leaving a torrent of furious emotions in its wake. She felt horrible, dirty, violated. She was afraid and she was angry. She had been helpless, and that was probably the worst thing of all. She hated feeling helpless. It had always been the most horrible part of her journey around Ivalice. She could handle battling espers, being thrown in prison, killing ferocious animals. She could brave temples and tombs and freezing snow, but it had always terrified her the most when she was helpless to act. Being disabled or completely stopped, being forced to watch her friends get hurt, or getting hurt herself, and being powerless to do anything about it but wait--that had been the worst.

Tonight had been just like that, only a hundred times worse.

As she continued to sit there, taking some solace in Vaan's presence behind her, her anger continued to grow, shadowing everything else, and she let it. It hurt less if she just focused on the anger.

Life was nothing if not ironic. Most people saw her and her optimism and equated that with naïveté. Ashe had once commented to her, almost in frustration, that she didn't understand how she could have lost so much and still maintained such innocence. Penelo had wondered if Ashe was upset because she thought Penelo innocent, or because Ashe had lost just as much and had an entirely different way of handling it.

Balthier had overheard this and chuckled, telling Ashe, "I think you are confusing innocence with persistence, Princess."

Penelo had realized then that maybe Balthier understood more than she had given him credit for. She didn't always feel cheerful and optimistic, but life was what it was. There were people around her who had lost just as much, if not more than she had.

And she had Vaan. She had always had him, and he had always kept her going, always given her reason to find hope, had made her take chances because she knew he was there. So while she was not stupid or naïve, she had made a choice to go on and make life the best it could be, telling those around her--and often reminding herself--that in perseverance, there was hope. She couldn't afford to let go of that, even when times were darkest.

Especially when times were darkest.

It was one thing to tell herself that as she leaned against Vaan, desperately trying to cling to her sanity in the aftermath of suffering the complete violation of her body. It was another thing to really care. Maybe later she would care, but all she wanted to do right now was rage and scream at the injustice of the world.

No. Not at the injustice of the world. Right now, she just wanted to rage and scream at the injustice of what had been done to her.

As the flame of anger stoked into a steady blaze of raging fire inside her, she stiffened and drew away from Vaan. She glanced at his eyes, darkened with his own anger, hurt, and guilt, and held his gaze for a moment. She knew what he would be seeing in her expression. She had been knocked over and beat up and now she wanted to do something about it. She couldn't focus on the part inside of her that was broken and crying. She had to keep fighting.

Just like she always did.

She found her voice and it sounded dull to her ears. "We need to get out of here."

"Yeah." Vaan frowned slightly, his mind going elsewhere, and Penelo knew him well enough to realize where his thoughts were headed: escape.

The problem was going to be leaving; if her assailants had found out where Vaan was staying, they had no doubt located their airship. They might not even be there, though; they may have simply left a trap or sabotaged the airship. If they were there...

She swallowed. The idea of facing them again made her feel like throwing up.

Slipping off the bed, Vaan went out into the main room, and Penelo swiftly followed. He picked up a small box that was on the edge of the counter and frowned at it, as though he couldn't remember actually dropping it there. He picked it up and quickly opened it while she watched, her arms wrapped tightly around herself. He stared at the contents in bafflement, and she leaned over to peer at whatever was inside.

"It's a roll of parchment," Vaan said dully. He took it out of the box and shook his head. "That's it. There's nothing else in here."

Penelo took it out of his hands and unrolled it.

Vaan frowned at the jumbled symbols on the page. "What is this supposed to be?"

"It's Old Archadian," she said quietly. "I recognize it from some texts in Larsa's library." She pushed it back into his hands and turned away. How did this made any kind of sense? She had been--had been--

She couldn't even think the word, and that made her more furious. She wasn't going to do this; she wasn't going to let them make her a complete helpless wreck.

She was stronger than this. She had to be.

Steeling herself, she forced her mind to conjure the word. She had been raped. Raped, for a piece of parchment? Not that anything could ever be worth what had been done to her, but she had somehow expected something…else. Of course, she had no idea what this said; it could be a map to hidden treasure, or a secret message with important information. She really didn't care. She was ready to burn the parchment to a crisp and be done with the whole damn thing, and probably would have, had Vaan not tucked it into his pocket.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Not letting this out of my sight, for starters. I'm sure not giving it to them," he spat. "I want to know what it is."

Penelo closed her eyes tightly. "Vaan--"

"I want to know what's so important that they did this to you."

Penelo's lips trembled, and she pressed them into a thin line. She didn't know if she wanted to get into this any deeper, but…

She pressed her hands against her eyes and took a deep breath. "Wait." She walked back into the bedroom and shut the door in Vaan's face. Taking a long, deep breath, she found her clothing, which Vaan had haphazardly folded while she was in the shower. She stared at it; most all of her clothes were her dancing pants and tops. She slowly picked her pants and stared at them, her mind frozen with the overwhelming memory of hands grabbing her, ripping at her clothes…

She dropped the pants as though they had burned her and covered her face with her hands. How long had it taken before she was comfortable in dancer's garb in the first place? Orphaned and wandering the streets of Rabanastre, she had always known the dangers that came with such a life, particularly for a girl, and she had dressed accordingly. Then she had traveled around Ivalice learning to wield bows, swords, daggers, spears, and even hammers. Though she had hated the heavy hammer; it had killed her shoulder, and Basch had been the one to tell her, "No, you mustn't wield it so, Penelo; you will do great damage to yourself."

She took a deep breath, clinging to this memory, of the concern on Basch's face as he showed her how to hold the hammer properly, because it pulled her mind away from her horror.

Yes, she had learned to fight, and finally felt comfortable enough in her abilities, confident enough in herself, to start dressing in dancing clothes.

And now she couldn't look at them. Slowly moving her hands away from her face, she dug through her clothing until she found an older outfit, one she hadn't worn in ages, one that was snug, but which covered up a lot more skin. There was something comforting in sliding the zipper up to her neck, buckling the straps and clasps. She didn't have her long boots anymore, though, and had to settle with putting her slippers on her feet. She tried to braid her hair, but her fingers were shaking, so she left it down until she could focus on it properly. Then she dug out her entire set of daggers and strapped them to her waist, taking a moment to hide a few of them in her clothing. Finally, she picked up her staves and took a deep breath. She was glad there wasn't a mirror in here; she was afraid to look at herself.

She stepped back out into the main room and Vaan stared at her for a long moment, but for once, he didn't make any dunderheaded comments.

Yes, she was really glad there wasn't a mirror. "We still have three teleport stones," she said, amazed at how level her voice sounded. "I want to go back to Rabanastre." She wanted to be home, and she still really didn't know if she wanted anything to do with finding out about that parchment, but she knew Vaan's stubbornness and didn't have the energy to argue with him.

Vaan gave her a blank look. "How are we going to find out what this is in Rabanastre?" he asked, patting the pocket where he had stashed the parchment.

Penelo didn't even give him her 'Vaan, you are so oblivious' look; she simply glanced at him and said, "Ashe has a library, too. Besides, they're more likely to look for us in Archades, aren't they, since that's where you were supposed to take this?"

"I--yes."

"See? What would you do without m--" Her voice caught in her throat and tears sprang back to her eyes.

There was a horrible, heavy pause, before Vaan said, "Okay, then. The gate crystal's on the other end of town."

"Yeah." Penelo's eyes scanned the cottage. "We can just take the important supplies and leave everything else."

Vaan silently helped her pack their two bags, watching her out of the corner of his eye. She focused entirely on the task of putting things into their packs, fighting desperately to maintain some semblance of control.

She saw Vaan close his bag with a vehement pull of strings. Before they stepped out the door, Penelo said, "Wait." She carefully cast reflect on them both. "There. Just in case. Though now I can't heal you if something happens, so try not to get yourself knocked out, okay?" She tried to sound like her normal teasing self, but her voice was strained and her smile fell flat.

They didn't leave through the front door; they climbed out one of the windows, their exit blocked from view of anyone who might be watching by a thick row of trees right outside.

Penelo felt a little better being out of the cottage in the fresh night air, being away from the place where she had just been attacked. She was used to picking her way through dark roads at night; it was familiar, and she and Vaan had no trouble slinking through the darkness and shadows, finding the paths that would keep them hidden from prying eyes.

They made it to the gate crystal without running into anyone or anything, and raced across the clearing to reach it. It was only after the world was disappearing in a flash of white that Penelo saw several figures running toward them, toward the crystal, but she and Vaan disappeared before she could get a good look at them.

Still, her heart was racing and her palms were sweaty when her vision cleared and she found herself standing outside the South Gate in Rabanastre. She held her breath and stared at the crystal for a moment, half-afraid it would activate and her attackers would appear, but nothing happened. Taking a deep breath, she turned and strode toward the gate entrance. Van ran to catch up with her, and as they passed through the doors and climbed the stairs, he frowned at her as she turned northeast. "Where are you going?"

"We can't exactly walk up to the palace in the middle of the night," she said. "We can try to get to Ashe tomorrow. Right now I…I'm tired." She looked around nervously. "And I don't want to go to Lowtown. I'd rather--not run into anyone right now, if we can avoid it." Filo, Kytes, Tomaj…they don't need to see me right now. I don't want them to see me right now.

He walked with her until she stopped in front of Migelo's, glancing at him. He wordlessly dug out the key Migelo had given them "in case you ever need somewhere to go" and unlocked the door.

The sundries' shop was completely dark save for the weak moonlight that managed to reach the windows. Vaan followed Penelo around the tables toward the back storeroom, which had a only a tiny window high on the wall. She went inside and slipped her pack off her shoulders, dropping it on a pile of bags stuffed full of phoenix down and carefully setting down her staves before sinking to the ground. Closing her eyes, she rested her head back against the bags, pressing her hand against her daggers and taking comfort in their presence.

She could almost feel Vaan hovering, and she heard him scuffling around, but she didn't open her eyes to look at him. The events of the night were hitting her hard, and she hadn't lied--she was completely exhausted, though she had no idea how she was possibly going to be able to sleep. She was fighting so desperately not to think right now, but if she fell asleep, she was sure she would dream, and was not at all keen on reliving this night in her sleep.

Vaan had finally settled somewhere, because she didn't hear him moving around. She took slow, deep breaths, and wasn't sure how long she had lay there before Vaan spoke. He seemed to be half talking to her, half to himself, and she realized that he probably thought she was sleeping.

"I'm sorry, Penelo." A long sigh. "I know this is my fault. I--I always seem to be pulling you into trouble, don't I? And you're always jumping in right behind me, usually to yell at me and pull me out of it. I never really realized…"

Realized what? she wondered, her stomach tightening and tears burning again underneath her eyelids. That your grand adventures aren't always so grand?

That was unfair. She was the one who had decided to follow him, because how could she not? He was Vaan; he was a part of her. He was everything she had, everything she wanted, and everything she was afraid of losing. She was his partner and that was just how it was.

"You're always telling me it's going to be okay as long as we keep going. As long as we keep hoping." Another sigh. "I know you're not okay. I don't know how to make this better. I'm just…sorry."

A tear slid out from under Penelo's eyelid and traced a path down her cheek. She didn't move to wipe it away, hoping he wouldn't see it in the darkness of the storeroom. She was suddenly, irrationally angry at Vaan. Angry that he had taken this job, angry that he hadn't been there to help her when she needed it, and she allowed her anger to wash over her for about ten seconds before she shoved it away.

This was not Vaan's fault. He couldn't have known. She was the one who hadn't been able to defend herself; she had been the one who always chose to follow him. She had always felt safe with him, even walking through deadly forests and deserts. Even when facing monsters. Even when flying old, unreliable airships.

She hated that her sense of security had been ripped from her again, in a way that she had never before experienced. As if life hadn't given her enough things to take away her stability.

Somehow, she wasn't entirely sure when, sleep sucked her into its dark embrace. She had been right; she did relive what happened to her in her nightmares, and dreamed of a hand pressing against her mouth, stifling her voice and her breath, only to wake abruptly and find that it was her own hand covering her mouth, holding in a scream. She moved her hand away from her face, shaking and sweating.

Vaan was asleep opposite her, his head leaning against some boxes of potions. His sword was by his side, one hand resting on it, and Penelo let out a long breath. She tensed again when she heard a noise coming from the shop. A quick glance at the window showed her that it was still dark. Slowly and silently she rose to her feet, grasping her staves, and nudged open the storeroom door, weapons at ready.

She relaxed only when she saw Migelo, in the middle of doing his usual pre-dawn routine of making sure the shop was ready to open for those travelers and traders who departed the city at sunrise.

He caught sight of her and fully faced her. "Penelo! What are you doing here?"

Vaan came stumbling out of the storeroom at that moment, sword in hand, blinking with eyes that were sleepy but alert.

"And Vaan, of course. What are you two doing in the storeroom? Or do I really want to know?" Migelo looked back and forth between them and took in their wary postures, their weapons, their lack of smiles, and he waved them out to the room. "Run into some trouble, hmm? Glorious life of a sky pirate not quite as glorious as you first thought, Vaan?"

Vaan mumbled something incoherent that really didn't constitute an answer, and Migelo said, "Let's get you some breakfast and you can tell me about it."

Panic rose up inside Penelo; she did not want to tell Migelo about it. She glanced at Vaan, who caught her expression and said, "That's okay. We need to head out anyway."

Migelo looked at them suspiciously, and not without concern. "If you're sure…" At Vaan's nod, he said, "All right, then. You stop back by if you need anything before setting out again."

"We will." Vaan retreated back into the storeroom and grabbed their bags, and they went back out onto the streets of Rabanastre. Dawn was just arriving, the sky barely beginning to lighten, and Penelo was relieved to see it. There was always something about the sun that could lighten the shadows in her mind, even just a little.

"Now what?" Vaan asked. "Should we go to the palace now? Ashe is probably awake. You know how she is."

Penelo didn't much like the idea of seeing Ashe right now, either. She had suggested they come here because she wanted to be in Rabanastre, but facing Ashe…they might not have been best friends on their journey, but after spending months with a person, you couldn't help getting to know them inside out and backwards, and the ruler of Dalmasca was nothing if not perceptive. She would probably take one look at Penelo and know that something was horribly wrong, and then she would try to pry it out, either by bluntly demanding to know what was going on or by shrewdly cajoling the information out of them. It really depended on what kind of mood she was in.

You can't avoid people forever, Penelo told herself firmly. You have to stand up and move on. You don't have a choice. You can't change what happened.

Her gaze went to the palace in the distance, and she clenched her jaw in determination. "Yeah. Let's go to the palace."