Disclaimer: we do not own Harry potter or anything other than Clarence Clearwater *Not the singer* (If I did, do you think I'd be sitting here typing about Snape? Heck no, he'd be chained in my bedroom, married to me… don't you just feel bad for my friend, the other author?)
By the way, brownie points –or a cookie- to whoever can guess which one of us typed the disclaimer XD
Clarence Clearwater Documentaries: In the Malfoy's Den
It is an ordinary day at the Malfoy mansion, white peacocks roaming the front yard, Narcissa drinking her daily "medicinal" martinis at the watering hole, and Luscious doing is daily palates to stay limber and in shape for his Lord Pimp.
Hello, once again this is Clarence Clearwater coming to you live from the green plains of the Malfoy Den. Today we shall be exploring the daily lives of the Malfoy "male," his mate, and the cub. As can be seen, the Malfoy species can asexually reproduce as well as with a mate, for the alpha of the pack can be determined to be neither male nor female; thus we have come to this conclusion.
Little is known of the Malfoy species, for they can be born a veela, judging by their blond hair and blue eyes, but can be easily swayed by an alpha-male much more laden with testosterone than them. As we can see the Alpha Malfoy has clearly been swayed by the Death Eater alpha-male, while the female retains her origins of the mother country Germany- also known as- Deutschland, home of the veela.
But this poses a problem for the cub, as he must choose between the two dominating classes.
Look! The cub is emerging from the den! He seems to be mounting one of the white peacocks that roam their territory, exhibiting the nature of the veelas who ride their pure-bred Swastika eagles (A/N: yes, they do exist. Look it up on google.); this shows a conflict emerging for the alpha-male. The cub seems to be choosing the mother's class.
Now let us watch as the alpha Malfoy departs from his den to seek new territory near the Snape.
At Hogwarts
It is the morning meal for the younglings in the Hogwarts territory, the returning alpha-male; Dumbledore seems to have recovered from his fight with the Snape.
Oh my, it seems that we have encountered the Snape once more and he has become alerted to our presence in his territory. He is quite hostile to intruders.
"Son-of-a-mother what is he doing here again!?"
The Dumbledore seems to be getting up to calm the Snape from his rage.
"Now, now Snape- I thought it would be a capital idea to have Mr. Clearwater here to film our newest teacher in action!
"New teacher, what is this you speak of?"
Oh dear, it seems that the Snape has become rather agitated due to the arrival of the new "male" entering his territory.
"New male, what are you talking about?! Why wasn't I informed of this!?"
"Come now Snape, m' boy, I told you Lusciou- I mean Lucius would be teaching yoga to help the students deal with years of verbal and psychological abuse from you."
"No, you didn't!"
"Oh… well I meant to. I can't even remember what I did five minutes ago. You really should keep tabs on these things, Severus."
"I wish death upon you, old man."
The tension seems high, but wait here comes the new "male," let's watch how the Snape and the male shall react.
"Son-of-a-whore -"
"-Huh, I didn't say anything."
Oh dear, the Malfoy cub seems to believe the Snape is addressing him; this may lead to later conflict.
"Not you, Draco! It's an expression! Learn the difference!"
Oh my, the Malfoy cub seems to have become rather upset and dejected at the scolding from the Snape and has flown off on a white peacock once more. This seems to be a form of relief of sorrow for the cub.
In the yoga classroom
The alpha-Malfoy is now teaching the cubs of Hogwarts how to attract a mate through dance. The alpha-Malfoy's true colors seem to have shown in quickly transforming the yoga class into a cultural Death Eater-style stripping class which involves the shedding of the outer fur. The Malfoy is teaching the cubs this method of attracting mates much like the dance of the bird of paradise (A/N: The more you know!)
What's this? It seems as if an older, rogue female has wandered into the mating grounds.
"What's going on here!?"
"My dear fellow lady, I am simply teaching these children yoga."
"This is NOT yoga! In fact, this must be a violation of the rules!"
"Screw the rules, I have money!"
It appears that the alpha-Malfoy has engaged the rogue female and is inviting her to join in their mating display.
"That's a brilliant idea! Why don't you join in the class, McGonagall?"
The McGonagall seems to be hesitating; her age must be affecting her.
"I'll show you who's old!"
By god! The older female has begun to imitate the moves of the cubs, rotating around what seems to be a thin, metal, tree- often known as the "stripper pole"- showing us that one can never be too old to engage in the sacred display.
Oh no, the McGonagall seems to have fallen and broken her hip- and can't get up! It seems that her mating years have truly, come to a close.
What ho, there seems to be an intruder on the lesson hiding in the shadows. The vibrant red hair shows that the male is from the warring clan of the Death Eaters… the veelas! This will cause quite a conflict later on in regards to the Malfoys.
In the veela lair
The alpha-male of the veelas, the one they call "Führer," seems to have been enraged by the Malfoy clan who he observed to be recruiting new initiates for his Pack-Leader, Voldemort. (A/N: Once more, due to the 'Nazi' propaganda as in the first series, please see the bottom for translations 'cause we're too lazy to include them here)
"Meine Anhängers, wir müssen für den Kampf in der Nähe vorbereiten!"
He seems to be giving a moving speech to rally his pack.
"Unser Führer! Wir wohnen für dich!"
"Die Zeit werde für unseren Sieg kommen!"
The rally seems to be working now that the Ron has learned to cut down on the speeches of excessive length as they seem to tire the veelas and cause them to fall asleep.
At an AA meeting
"My name is Narcissa, and I'm an alcoholic."
"Hi, Narcissa."
It seems that the Narcissa is seeking aid away from her mate with a new pack, neither veela nor Death Eater; the Alcoholics Anonymous. (A/N: By the way, the name 'Death Eaters' is by far the least threatening name they could have chosen; I mean really, that just makes them cannibals and/or necrophiliacs… not mass murderers)
"I drink to deal with my husband whoring himself out to other men, and my son's tears of anguish."
Oh dear, it seems that the Narcissa has broken down in tears at the realization of how splendidly awful her life is; this harsh realization is one that she has avoided for many years now…. This is the first step in overcoming her addiction.
In the Snape's Lair
Clarence Clearwater here, we have once again successfully infiltrated the Snape's Lair once more, as he has become a favorite of this Documenter. His strong, determined personality and hostile territorial responses intrigue this man.
He has not yet become alerted to my presence in his den, perhaps he has taken a female to his dwellings; perhaps one of the fangirls that had previously raped the Snape… this seems like it will be an exciting latest installment of the Snape Documentary indeed.
Let's take a closer look, shall we? Torturous screams seem to be coming from deep within the Snape's den, let's find out the source. Oh my, it seems the Snape caught a rival male on his turf and is demonstrating his dominance and physical prowess. Listen to the young naïve male scream.
"Why are you doing this to me; I don't even know who you are!"
"Lockhart, you may not remember me, but I certainly remember you, you blundering fop of a man!"
The poor younger male seems to be trying to show signs of submission in hopes that the Snape will take pity on him, and spare him from this fate.
"Yeah, that is not going to happen anytime soon… I plan to continue this for as long as I please, when I become bored of you, then I shall simply discard of you like the vermin you are."
What a malicious smirk! The Snape and this, so called, Lockhart, seem to have an unpleasant past. Soon, the Snape will have to rest, and the young male may have a chance to escape.
"Unlike you mortals, I have no need for sleep."
Oh dear, this is going to be a long year for both the Lockhart and the Snape; one more enjoyable than the other. I can only guess what terrors will befall the Lockhart…
Stay tuned for our next documentary, signing off, this has been Clarence Clearwater.
TRANSLATIONS:
"Meine Anhängers, wir müssen für den Kampf in der Nähe vorbereiten!" (My followers, we must prepare for the fight at hand!)
"Unser Führer! Wir wohnen für dich!" (Our Führer! We live for you!)
"Die Zeit werde für unseren Sieg kommen!" (The time will come for our victory!)
