Episode Two - Don't forget to review!
Daytime - Forman's Kitchen
Red is reading his newspaper and sitting in his normal seat. Kitty is busy making breakfast, walking back and forth from the table to the counter.
KITTY : I can't believe Steven doesn't remember his own wedding!
RED : Why not? You can't remember our wedding sometimes.
KITTY : Red, I'm only saying that maybe Steven doesn't WANT to be married to that... that... (beat as she searches for the right word)
RED : Stripper?
Kitty runs over and covers his mouth with her hand.
KITTY : Hush! Charlie might hear you, and I think he's coming downstairs!
Red rolls his eyes and sets the newspaper down finally, as Kitty gets back to work.
RED : If you don't like her, then why did you give her Laurie's old room to sleep in last night?
KITTY : Because she's Steven's wife and Steven lives here. (beat) And because I didn't want her filthy, stripper hands all over him in his room.
Charlie enters from the living room, part-way through Kitty's speech.
CHARLIE : She's still upstairs in the bathroom. I can hear her dancing. (beat) She kept falling in the bathtub as she'd try and slide down the shower rod.
Kitty sets out a plate for Red, Charlie, and Hyde who comes up from the basement entrance.
HYDE : Perfect. Not only did I have the dumb luck to get married, I had the dumb luck to get married to an idiot.
RED : That's where you're wrong, Steven. It's what I kept telling Eric. It's not luck, good or bad. It's not fate. It's just being a dumbass. So congratulations! You finally know what it's like to be Eric now!
Kitty sits in her chair, trying to comfort Hyde, while Red and Charlie eat.
KITTY : Now, now. I'm sure that we can figure some way out of this! Do you remember Sam at all?
HYDE : Only a few times that involved beer and one dollar bills.
CHARLIE : (interested) Really?
KITTY : (smacks Charlie's arm lightly, and he goes back to eating as she pats Hyde's shoulder) And what did Jackie say?
HYDE : (suddenly angry) Why is everyone asking me about Jackie? What about me? I'm married! I fell into the one institution that I never wanted to because of my parents! And what's worse is, I can't even remember doing it!
The phone rings. No one really knows what to say or do, so Charlie finally gets up to answer it.
CHARLIE : Forman residence. Oh, hey Eric! Isn't it late for you way over in... huh? Oh. Yeah, Hyde's here. (covers the mouthpiece) Eric wants to talk to you.
Hyde gets up, trying to calm down, and takes the phone away from Charlie.
HYDE : Hey, Forman. What? No! (beat) Who told you? (pause) Fine. (hangs up the phone and looks at everyone)
KITTY : (excited) Well? What did Eric have to say?
HYDE : In between his girlish fits of laughter, I think I heard him call me a dumbass.
RED : (proudly) That's my boy!
CUT TO CREDITS
ACT ONE
Daytime, Fez & Kelso's apartment
Kelso comes out of his bedroom, carrying baby Betsy, who is fussing. Kelso is trying his damndest to calm her down, but there's a loud noise coming from the outside bathroom.
KELSO : Aww, come on, Betsy... it's okay... Just go back to sleep, and then Daddy can go murder uncle Fez.
Fed up, he bangs on the bathroom door.
KELSO : Fez! Dammit, Fez!
The bathroom door opens. Fez is wearing a very short robe, belted, blow-drying his hair with a massive dryer that's still running.
FEZ : (shouting) What do you want?
KELSO : Turn off the dryer!
FEZ : (shuts it off, annoyed) Fine. But I'll have you know you've disrupted me at a very delicate point in the process.
KELSO : (surprised, almost apologetic) Oh, crap, were you teasing?
FEZ : Yes. But it's all ruined now.
KELSO : Dude, I'm sorry... (shakes it off) No, wait a minute-- no! Dude, Betsy is trying to sleep.
FEZ : Are you kidding me? Does that kid do anything but eat, sleep and go to the bathroom?
KELSO : (amused) Nope. Kinda like Eric last year.
FEZ : All right, fine, fine. I'll just start moisturizing, then--
Fez starts to unbelt his robe.
KELSO : (turning away in horror) No! Ahh, Betsy, don't look!
He shuts the bathroom door.
KELSO : No little girl should see that. (beat) Nobody should see that.
SCENE BUMPER
Daytime, Jackie's bedroom
Donna is sitting in a chair beside the bed, looking tired and frustrated. There is a big lumpy shape under the covers.
DONNA : (exasperated) Come on, Jackie... You saw the last time you peeked out that it's daylight now.
JACKIE : (under blanket) I don't wanna.
DONNA : What are you, afraid you're going to see your shadow?
JACKIE : (under blanket) Yes. 'Cuz it means six more months of hell.
DONNA : Jackie, you need to come out. Please?
Finally, Jackie peeks out from under the blankets, eyes red.
JACKIE : There, you giant nag. I'm out.
DONNA : Thank you. Now we need to work on getting you out of bed.
JACKIE : Oh, hell no. Not as long as-- as--
DONNA : (groans) You're going to have to say it sometime.
JACKIE : Steven.
DONNA : Good...
JACKIE : Steven... is.
DONNA : Getting there...
JACKIE : Steven... is... married.
DONNA : (encouraging) Almost...
JACKIE : (shouting) Steven is married to a bleached-blonde, slutty-looking, cheap, floozy, dumb-as-a-bag-of-hammers stripper!
DONNA : (sighs) There's my girl. (she stands) And now, I'm going to go pass out. What are you going to do?
JACKIE : (sniffs) Either wallow... or sharpen my claws. Or both.
DONNA : Good plan.
Donna walks out.
SCENE BUMPER
Daytime - Forman's Garage
Hyde is in the garage, looking through various things, not really doing much of anything. Picking up tools, trying to fix stuff, etc. Red walks in from the driveway.
RED : Steven, what the hell are you doing out here?
HYDE : What does it look like? I'm hiding from my wife.
RED : (nods his head in understanding) Well, this isn't the best place to do it. They find you here, you know. (looking around nervously) They always find you here...
HYDE : (throws down whatever he's holding) Then what the hell am I supposed to do? I don't remember any of this crap, but there she is. (pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket, then puts it back) Wedding certificate and everything.
RED : Son, you're going to have to go and talk to Sam sooner or later. She's driving Kitty nuts, and I am not about to let YOUR wife screw up anything for me by making MY wife upset. Got it?
HYDE : I just need to figure some way out of this.
RED : (laughing uproariously) Good luck with that one! (leaves)
Hyde pulls out the wedding certificate from his back pocket (we get a close-up of it) and reads it again, still in disbelief.
DISSOLVE TO FANTASY
It's the tackiest chapel ever. Sam is dressed up like a Las Vegas Showgirl, complete with feathers in her hat. Hyde is dressed up like Elvis, white jumpsuit and a beer in one hand. He is completely drunk, with one arm draped over Sam. She keeps kissing his neck during the ceremony, as "Blue Hawaii" plays in the background, and an Elvis impersonator comes out dressed just like Hyde. We can't see his face.
PRIEST : Hey there, pretty mama. Do you take this man?
SAM : (in between kisses) I do!
PRIEST : (turning to Hyde) And do you take this hunka-hunka-burning love over here?
HYDE : Be my Priscilla, baby!
PRIEST : By the state of Nevada and the almighty King... (he bows his head in respect for a moment, and Hyde & Sam do the same) ... I now pronounce you Stripper and Dumbass!
We see that it's Red dressed up as Elvis now. Sam hops onto Hyde and smothers him with kisses, but he gets a horrified look on his face as we...
DISSOLVE BACK to the Forman's garage
Hyde has the same look on his face as in the fantasy. He stuffs the paper back into his pocket.
HYDE : Yeah. Time to talk to the wife.
SCENE BUMPER
Daytime - The Basement
Fez is sitting in the folding chair. Charlie keeps running up and down the stairs, loading up the deep freeze. Donna is sitting on the couch watching TV. Kelso is over by the shower, rocking Betsy, who's still fussing. Sam is sitting in Hyde's chair, painting her toenails. Jackie is missing. Hyde comes downstairs and sees Sam in his seat - it's the last straw.
HYDE : Oh. Oh no you don't.
He storms over to her and pulls her up, not caring about making a scene.
SAM : What are you doing? My nails aren't dry!
HYDE : Do you know where you were sitting?
FEZ : (whispers to Donna) Here it comes...
SAM : (shrugging it off) A chair?
CHARLIE : (stops halfway up the stairs) I'm new here and even I know that's the wrong answer.
HYDE : No. Not a chair. MY chair. Mine.
SAM : But we're married, so it doesn't really matter anymore, Hyde!
KELSO : (still holding Betsy) And you guys complain about ME being dumb!
HYDE : (angry) Look, Sam. Here's the deal. I barely remember you. I don't want you here, and I certainly don't want to be married to you. IF, and I mean IF, I was going to be married to anyone, then...
The basement door opens and Jackie enters on the last part of his speech. She freezes. Hyde freezes. Sam looks confused. Everyone else looks nervous.
FEZ : Oh, this is not awkward at all. Hyde with his new, sexy stripper wife and also his ex-girlfriend who he was going to propose to until he saw Kelso at her motel room. No, not awkward at all.
They all stare in silence at Fez.
FEZ : (nervously) Ay, did I say that out loud? Oops.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
END ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Everyone is still frozen in place after Fez' big slip.
JACKIE : St-steven? Is it true?
HYDE : What? Is what true?
JACKIE : (wheels turning) Oh my God, it is true, isn't it? I never even thought about it, but you went to Chicago to see me!
KELSO : Of course that's true, Jackie, we were all there.
HYDE, JACKIE, DONNA, CHARLIE & FEZ : SHUT UP, KELSO!
KELSO : Jeez, I'm just tryin' to help.
SAM : (angry) Hyde, who the hell is this little girl?
HYDE : Sam, stay out of this.
JACKIE : Little girl? (angry) I just happen to be the love of Steven's life.
SAM : (to Hyde) You never told me you had one of those.
HYDE : Seriously, Sam, just go back into my room and stay out of this.
JACKIE : Yeah, get the hell out of here, tramp.
SAM : Who are you calling a tramp, shorty?
From where they're watching the fight, Charlie nudges Donna.
CHARLIE : (whispers) Okay, who is she calling a tramp? I'm starting to get confused.
DONNA : (shushes him) I'll draw you a diagram later.
JACKIE : It's a simple question, Steven. Why did you go to Chicago to see me?
HYDE : I don't know. I didn't know. I just needed to see you. I was going to figure it out from there.
JACKIE : That's it? "I don't know?" Steven, that's not good enough.
HYDE : (frustrated) It never is, is it?
Before she can reply, Hyde crosses the room and goes through the door, slamming it behind him. Jackie turns to follow him, but Donna reaches out and stops her.
DONNA : Um, Jackie, maybe you should let him calm down first.
JACKIE : Oh, no. I let him run off once, and he ended up married to Slut Barbie over there.
SAM : Hey!
JACKIE : Which reminds me... before I go...
Jackie steps up to Sam and grabs the bottle of nail polish, shaking it so that the stuff gets all over Sam's shirt.
SAM : My shirt!
Sam starts dabbing at the stain with the brush, trying to scoop it back into the bottle. Jackie grins.
JACKIE : Oh, he is SO not going to pick you over me.
Jackie leaves by the same door as Hyde. Sam pouts in frustration.
SAM : What gets out nail polish?
CHARLIE : Club soda?
DONNA : Acetone?
FEZ : Taking off your top?
Sam shrugs and starts to undo her top. Fez claps happily.
FEZ : If this Hyde thing does not work out, perhaps she will marry me.
SCENE BUMPER
Night, Forman kitchen
Red and Kitty are eating dinner. Bob comes in through the sliding door.
BOB : Hey there, hi there, ho there!
RED : I just never get tired of hearing that.
BOB : Good, 'cuz I was considering changing my go-to greeting with something new, but if you like Old Faithful, that's the way it'll stay.
KITTY : What brings you around, Bob? Or did you just follow the scent of tuna noodle casserole?
BOB : Oh, you know me too well, Kitty.
Bob starts helping himself to some food. Red rolls his eyes, but Kitty puts a hand on Red's arm before he can kick Bob out.
KITTY : Bob, you're looking more... brown.
BOB : Didn't Donna mention? I got back from a trip a couple of days ago.
KITTY : Another trip? That's the third in the last two months!
RED : You're not up to anything stupid, are you, Bob? Nobody wants a repeat of your "eat cheese in every state in the Union" phase.
BOB : (happy) Nope, this is much better. But, it's a surprise.
KITTY : Oh, good. (laughs) I love surprises.
BOB : Good, 'cuz I hope that you'll get involved with it, once I've got all the details worked out.
RED : Bob, if you even think the word "AMWAY", I'm gonna throw a party to sell my foot to your ass.
KITTY : Oh, Red... He only tried that once.
BOB : Anyhoo... (he pulls an envelope out of his pocket) Wanna see my trip pictures?
Before either of them can respond, he starts dealing them out like cards. Red suddenly grabs one and stares at it. He starts laughing out loud.
SCENE BUMPER
Night, Formans' basement
Donna, Charlie, Fez & Kelso are all still a little stunned. Kelso is rocking Betsy, who is starting to get quiet.
KELSO : (to Betsy) Good girl, good girl. (to everybody) Okay, I'm taking Betsy back to the apartment and put her down for the night. See ya.
He turns to leave, then looks back at Fez.
KELSO : (to Fez) And when you get back home, no blasting your stupid disco music again.
FEZ : What else am I going to use as my soundtrack to get undressed to?
Kelso shakes his head and leaves. Charlie scratches his head. Donna notices.
DONNA : (to Charlie) Still kinda reeling after the whole Hyde and Jackie event, huh?
CHARLIE : Sort of. Were they always like that?
FEZ : No. Sometimes, they would have fights.
CHARLIE : That wasn't a fight?
DONNA : Nope. That was just a typical night for them.
CHARLIE : Really? Then why doesn't Hyde just stay with Sam, then?
Sam calls out from inside Hyde's room.
SAM (off-screen) : Um, hello? Can somebody help me? I can't figure out Hyde's bed!
CHARLIE : I thought Hyde just slept on a cot. (mimes the simple act of opening the cot)
DONNA & FEZ : He does.
CHARLIE : And doesn't he keep it open?
DONNA & FEZ : He does.
FEZ : I think Charlie withdraws the question.
Charlie nods.
SCENE BUMPER
Night, Formans' driveway
Jackie is sitting on the bench outside the kitchen door. The El Camino pulls into the driveway and she runs around to the driver's side.
JACKIE : Steven! Oh, thank God!
She opens his door and he gets out.
HYDE : Jackie, what--?
JACKIE : I thought you'd run away again.
HYDE : I thought about it. (beat) I'm out of gas.
JACKIE : Can we talk?
HYDE : I hate that question.
JACKIE : I know, but you know we have to.
Hyde walks to the back of the El Camino and drops the gate. He hops up and gestures at the other side.
JACKIE : You want to have a big talk like this sitting in the driveway?
HYDE : Except for that one breakup, it seemed to work pretty good for Forman and Donna.
Jackie shrugs and hops up onto the gate.
JACKIE : So...
HYDE : Yep.
JACKIE : You never answered my question.
HYDE : Yes, I did.
JACKIE : That wasn't an answer. Did you go to Chicago to say "yes"? To propose?
HYDE : I told you, I don't know.
Long beat.
JACKIE : Did you go to tell me you wanted us to break up?
HYDE : No.
Before Jackie can respond, Bob comes out of the kitchen door. We can still hear Red laughing.
BOB : Hey, kids. Look, I can see you're in the middle of something, but I figured you'd wanna see this.
JACKIE : What is it?
BOB : A snapshot from my last trip.
HYDE : Bob, we're not really in the mood for another picture of you standing next to the "World's Largest" something.
BOB : Oh, you're gonna want to see this one. (he hands Hyde the picture) Made a couple of Southwest stops this trip. Phoenix, Santa Fe... Las Vegas...
HYDE : Vegas?
BOB : Yep. Picked me up some real sweet souvenirs. That Elvis jumpsuit cost me a pretty penny, though.
JACKIE : (pointing at the photo) Steven, that's you and Sam! In front of a wedding chapel!
HYDE : And the guy in the Elvis suit that married us. (beat) Wait, Elvis suit?
They both gape at Bob, who does an Elvis pose.
BOB : You two seemed happy. Or at least, drunk enough to enjoy the joke. Wasn't until Red saw the picture and filled me in that I found out you didn't know it was me.
HYDE : But if you performed the ceremony...
JACKIE : (excited) Then you're not married!
HYDE : (happy) I'm not married!
Both blink, and are kissing in a heartbeat.
BOB : Woo-hoo!
Bob shuffles uncomfortably, then plucks the picture out of Jackie's hand before slipping back into the kitchen. Jackie and Hyde finally break the clinch. They compose themselves.
HYDE : Um, that was really hot, but... this doesn't change a lot of things. It doesn't change the fact you gave me an ultimatum.
JACKIE : And it doesn't change the fact that you ran away instead of talking to me about it.
HYDE : So what does it change, then?
JACKIE : You're not really married to someone who makes Michael look like Einstein. (beat) And it doesn't change the fact that I love you.
She gets down off the gate.
JACKIE : I'll talk to you tomorrow, Steven.
HYDE : Yeah, okay.
Jackie walks away. Hyde watches her leave, then lays back in the truckbed, staring up at the sky.
HYDE : Ow. Forman, this isn't comfortable at all.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
END OF ACT TWO
TAG
Night, Fez & Kelso's apartment
We hear a baby crying off-screen. Kelso gets out of his bedroom, groggily, and walks to the fridge.
KELSO : I'm hurrying, Betsy. Please be quiet so Daddy can remember which bottle is yours and which one is his. (beat, a little quieter) Man, I'd hate to give her the bottle full of my hair conditioner.
He opens the door. There are no bottles at all.
KELSO : FEZ! Get out here! (beat) FEZ! Put some clothes on and get out here!
Fez comes out of his bedroom with a short robe on, rubbing his eyes.
FEZ : (glaring) What do you want, you sonofabitch? I was in the middle of...
Kelso just looks at him.
FEZ : Nothing important.
KELSO : (gestures to the fridge as Betsy keeps crying) Dude, what the hell happened to all of the bottles for Betsy?
FEZ : (looking nervous) We were robbed?
KELSO : Man, that was Brooke's breast milk! I only had enough for this weekend! (sees Fez looking away and actually figures it out) You drank it? Aww, man, that's just WRONG. I mean, we all know you're weird, but that's just... WEIRD.
FEZ : It was milk from a breast! What the hell was I supposed to do?
KELSO : Get a girl of your own so you can feel up her boobs like us normal people do! DUH! (slams the fridge shut after taking some milk out) Okay. Milk. She can drink normal milk, right? (He pours it into a normal glass and goes back to his bedroom)
Fez sits on the couch and pulls out a baby bottle he had hidden. He starts sucking on it without taking the nipple off, then making faces.
FEZ : Kelso, what the hell?
KELSO : (off-screen) That would be hair conditioner! Burn!
THE END
