Thank you to those who have given this fic a chance! If you're new - welcome! Just another author's note to add to the ones that I gave in the previous chapter: This is supposed to be a comedy fic. I am putting this out there up front - I am using the character of Killian Jones as a comic relief caricature. I, personally, do not like the character, but I feel that, based on MY impression of him - he fits the role that I am giving him, which is a supporting role. If you are a Hook fan, and you have a sense of humor - you may very well enjoy this fic. If you are a Hook fan and you are not capable of viewing Hook in a less-than-positive light . . . . this fic isn't for you. Thank you for the look and for your consideration. Please move on.
Also, from here on, any time Gold interacts with any character other than David, Neal, or Cora - presume that he is doing so dressed and speaking as Barbara Michaels.
Feedback is welcome and much appreciated!
I do not own Once Upon a Time or its characters. I do not own the film Tootsie or its narrative.
Chapter Two: Storybooke General
Neal sat in stunned silence as Gold explained to him about the role he was undertaking – all while his father painted the fake nails that he was planning to apply to his fingertips. Well, make that two roles: Gloria Darktower, Hospital Administrator for Storybrooke General, and Barbara Michaels – actress. "Papa – are you crazy?"
"No, I have a job, with a steady income. What's crazy about that?" Gold asked.
"Because I've been sitting here for the last hour watching my father styling a woman's wig, giving himself a manicure and trying to figure out which handbag matches which outfit."
"Neal, I'm doing this for you – don't you see that? With this job, I'll make enough money to rent a theatre to do your play. This could be your big break, son. Although this will be one of the greatest acting challenges ever. Now, I already told them that I have a skin allergy and I need to do my own makeup and hair. There is one problem, though."
"Cramps?" Neal joked. Gold glared at him.
"Cora. I mean, how do I tell her that she lost the part to a man? She'll lose her mind. I could – I could offer her the female lead in your play. If that would be alright with you. Might be a good distraction for her."
"And – what exactly will you tell her when she asks how we came up with the money to produce this play?"
"I don't know – an inheritance or something. Anything but the truth, I suppose."
"Papa, you know I'm normally against lying but in this case – I'm all for it."
"I suppose you're right. You don't mind if I offer her the part then, right?"
"Papa – this is all a disaster waiting to happen. Don't forget that I told you that when everything implodes."
"It's not going to implode. I signed a standard contract, it's a three-month role. I'll get the money, we'll get the play off the ground, and everything will be fine."
"Michael, are you serious? You mean it?" Cora asked excitedly as Gold handed her Neal's script.
"Part's yours if you want it," he said. "We'll have a place secured in three months."
"I can't believe your aunt died and left you just the amount of money you needed, that's amazing! I mean – sad, but still -"
"Yes, well, we all have to go someday, right? How about we go out to dinner tonight and celebrate? My treat."
"Oh that sounds great, let me take a shower first! Be right out!" Cora darted into the bathroom. While she was showering, Gold looked in the mirror and sized himself up, trying to picture himself as his alter-ego, Barbara Michaels. Needing more inspiration, he snuck into Cora's bedroom and opened her closet door. There was a dress hanging on the door itself, and Gold picked up the dress and took it over to the mirror, to see how he would look in it. No, it wasn't enough – he needed to try it on. Gold removed his shirt and his pants and was just about to reach for and put on the dress when Cora stepped out of the shower and into the bedroom, wearing nothing but a towel and dripping wet. Cora let out a loud squeal.
"Michael, what are you doing?" she asked, eyeing Gold up and down as he stood there in nothing but his underwear. Gold looked around nervously – he could either tell her the truth, or he could figure out something else. But there was nothing else that didn't make him look like an utter pervert – except maybe one thing.
"Cora, I want you," Gold said.
"You want me?" Cora asked.
"Yes – very much," he replied.
Cora lay in bed as Gold stood up and got dressed. "Will I ever see you again?" Cora asked.
"Cora, come on, we've known each other for a year now, and we're doing a play together in three months, of course you'll see me again."
"Sex changes things," Cora said.
"It's not changing anything with us, alright? I'll call you tomorrow."
"Michael – if this whole thing is gonna be painful, let's just get it over with now."
"Okay – dinner tomorrow. Alright? Let's just make that definite right now."
"You mean it?" Cora asked.
"Of course I do," Gold said, wondering if he should have simply told her about the part.
Gold arrived at the studio barely on time, dressed as Barbara in full hair and makeup, having gotten up early to get ready for his first day on the set. One of the set pages showed him to his dressing room. "We'll need you on the set in about fifteen minutes," the girl said. Gold entered the dressing room – only to find a girl in there, with long brown hair, dressed only in her underwear and sitting in front of the mirror.
"Oh I – I'm sorry," Gold said, trying not to stare.
"It's okay. I'm Ruby Lucas, you must be Barbara," Ruby said.
"Yes – oh my, this is a lovely table," Gold said, doing everything possible to avert his eyes. "Oh, look, even a socket for a plug right there."
"Yeah, we have everything," Ruby said. "Go ahead, make yourself at home, we're gonna be dressing room buddies."
"Yes – apparently so," Gold said. A knock came on the door, and the page opened it.
"Miss Michaels I forgot to give you these – some last-minute additions for today," the page said, and she handed Gold the script and left. Gold looked over the script.
"Oh, they always throw stuff at you last minute," Ruby said. "Get used to it."
"Oh my goodness," Gold said, looking through the script.
"What's wrong?" Ruby asked.
"I have to kiss Dr. Hook," Gold said.
"Oh, yeah – he kisses all the women on the show. We call him 'the tongue,'" Ruby said. "Just try to stay out of his view of the cue cards or he'll freak out, he's completely lost without them, can't memorize his lines for shit." Gold's face was overcome with panic. Now what was he going to do?
"Hey, can you please keep that racket down for five minutes, that set was supposed to be complete before we got here this morning and we're already behind!" Gaston shouted at the construction crew that was working in the background. He approached the brunette actress dressed in a nurses' outfit, the same girl that helped Gold pick up his script during the audition, and the man who was lying in the hospital bed on the set. "Okay – now you know how this is supposed to go, right honey? You're trying to get the IV back in and he grabs you and kisses you and you don't want him to stop."
"Gaston – he just came out of a two-month coma, isn't this a bit ridiculous?" she asked.
"Look – we're not trying to make some grand dramatic statement here, why are you always arguing with me? Just play it the way the script says!" Gaston shouted at her. "Okay, let's GO!"
"Lighting's not right," one of the men on the set said.
"Jesus Christ Leroy, would you FIX IT then! We've got twenty scenes to shoot and I'd like to get them done before the weekend!" Gaston shouted. Gold entered the set wings as Gaston was going on his tirade, watching him yell at the brunette actress and the lighting man. Gaston looked at one of the set pages. "Go get me a cup of coffee, Le Fou," he demanded.
"Sure, Mr. H. You want something, Miss French?" Le Fou asked. The actress was about to speak up, when Gaston interrupted.
"No, she doesn't need anything, she's good," Gaston said. The pretty brunette sighed but said nothing. Not wanting to wait until Gaston was done yelling at people, which could possibly be never based on what he was observing, Gold decided to make his move.
"Um – excuse me – Mr. Hunter -" Gold began as he walked onto the set, script in hand.
"Ah, there you are. Filming is delayed, you're gonna have to wait, some people don't know how to DO THEIR JOB!" Gaston shouted as the lighting crew worked fervently to fix the problems. "Might as well introduce you – Belle, this is Barbara Michaels, new hospital administrator," he said to the actress in the nurses' outfit.
"Hi – we met the other day. Belle French – hospital slut," Belle joked. "Nice to meet you." Gold was immediately captivated by her. "I play Lacey Winters – looks like your first scene is with me."
"Yes – looks that way, doesn't it?" Gold said, trying his best not to stare at her.
"Okay, they'll be ready to go in sixty seconds – go wait out in the hallway, will you sweetie?" Gaston said to Gold, and then he grabbed Gold by the shoulders and physically moved him to the doorway, as if he were moving a doll. Gold silently cringed at the man's obvious misogyny. When he reached the doorway, there was a man standing there. He was tall, with dark hair, and wearing a doctor's jacket. He was talking with Jefferson, who was wearing a different hat than he had worn at the audition.
"Barbara," Jefferson said. "I'd like you to meet Killian Jones. Killian – this is Barbara Michaels – your new boss. On the show, of course."
"Barbara – delighted," Jones said, and he took Gold's hand and kissed it. Gold couldn't pull away fast enough. "I'm Doctor Schuyler Hook – chief of staff."
"You – you're Dr. Hook?" Gold asked.
"Yes – I believe we're up next," Jones said, grinning at Gold a bit. He took Jefferson aside. "I have to kiss her?" Jones asked in a whisper.
"She's not that bad," Jefferson said. "I'd do her."
"You'd do anything," Jones said. "I've had worse, I suppose."
"She's only a few years older than you," Jefferson said.
"Shut up," Jones replied.
"Are we READY yet?" Gaston asked angrily.
"Yeah, ready," Leroy, the lighting director, said.
"Finally," Gaston said.
"Um – again – as I was asking before," Gold began to Gaston, "about this script -"
"Look, you got a problem with the writing, honey, you take it up with the writers, I just make sure it doesn't look like shit on camera." Gaston said tersely. Belle noticed that Gold was frustrated and looked up at him – or rather, at Barbara – with an understanding smirk. "Let's GO, I'm not eating lunch at five o'clock again!"
Gold filmed his first scene as hospital administrator Gloria Darktower. Also in the scene with him were Belle French as nurse Lacey Winters, Killian Jones as Dr. Schuyler Hook, and the patient in the hospital bed that Nurse Winters was making out with. Once that scene was completed, the next scene to be filmed – which he was dreading – was with Jones, and it took place in the corridor. It was an argument scene, which was supposed to end with Jones' character, Dr. Hook, kissing Gold's character, Gloria Darktower. Not wanting that to happen, Gold quickly thought of a way to remedy this while staying in character. The way the script read, it appeared to Gold that the doctor and his new superior had a prior relationship that didn't end well, so Gold chose to improvise. When Jones moved in to kiss him, Gold lifted up the stack of files he was carrying as a prop, hit Jones over the head with them, and chastised his character for the inappropriate advance. Jones stood there, dumbfounded. Gaston called "Cut!" and Gold turned to see a scowl on the director's face, and Belle, the pretty brunette actress, standing in the wings watching – and laughing. Gold cringed once again as Gaston walked over to him, an angry scowl on his face.
"I was supposed to kiss her!" Jones shouted, but no one paid attention.
"Mr. Hunter – I know what was on the script but as I tried to tell you, it was my instinct that it would be more in character for Gloria to react that way, she wouldn't allow a man like Dr. Hook to be groping, especially not in a work situation."
"It was good instinct," Belle chimed in.
"Hey – I'll handle instincts here," Gaston snarled at Belle. "Well, this time it happened to be a good instinct, dear, but next time you want to change something, you discuss it with me. Got it?" Gold wasn't sure whether to be offended or dumbfounded, given that he tried to do exactly that prior to shooting the scene. He had to remind himself that he wasn't Michael Gold, who would have already slugged this arrogant ass multiple times by now; he was Barbara Michaels, actress. She wouldn't do that.
"Yes, I – I'll make sure I do that," Gold replied, practically choking on the words.
"Alright, Belle, you're on set ten in five minutes, let's go," Jefferson said to Belle. He gave Gold a thumbs up and a wink, clearly liking what was done in that scene.
"Great job," Belle said, smiling at Gold as she walked by him to get to her next set. Gold couldn't help but stare at her as she walked by. The entire time this exchange was going on, Killian Jones was standing around, still taking in what had happened on set. He began to observe this new actress, Barbara Michaels, in a very different light than when they first met. Gold was about to walk off the set when Jones stopped him.
"Barbara," Jones said to Gold.
"Um – yes?" Gold replied.
"That was – that was wonderful. We haven't had a truly consummate actress like you on this show for ages – possibly ever. I can't wait to work with you again, it's clear to me that there's so much I can learn from you," Jones said.
"Well – thank you very much, you did very well yourself," Gold replied in a patronizing tone that went right over Jones' head.
"Welcome to Storybrooke General," Jones said, and before Gold knew what was happening, Jones grabbed him and kissed him on the lips, and then he smiled and sauntered away, as Gold stood there in shock.
Gold exited the building after a full day of work, and saw Belle standing in front of the doorway signing autographs for a few fans that were waiting outside. He approached her when she was finished.
"Thank you, Miss French, for making it such a nice first day on the set for me," Gold said to her.
"Oh, you call me Belle, please. And we'll see if you still feel that way in few weeks. You did great today," Belle said.
"Hey – Belle! Let's go!" Gaston shouted as he stood in the doorway of a waiting cab. Gold looked up in surprise – why was he waiting for her, he wondered.
"Hey, you need a ride anywhere? Maybe you can stop with us and have a drink?" Belle suggested.
'Us?' Gold thought to himself. Was she dating that arrogant ass?
"Um – no thank you, I – I think I'll just be going home," Gold replied.
"Okay – see you tomorrow then," Belle said. Belle walked toward the cab, and Gaston patted her on the behind as she entered. Gold flinched at the sight of it. What was a beautiful, smart, funny and sweet girl doing with that creep? She could do so much better. He sighed as he walked down the street, heading home.
