I do not own Adventure time or any of the characters or places...except Finn and Marceline's kids. The diamonite weapons, armor, and metal was also mine.
Dear Screwtape, thanks for the review but I'm not sure I understood it. I did take it to mean that you don't like PB. Please try to use idiot friendly terms next time, thank you.
Billy's Return
Five years after Finn and Marceline were married Jake died. All of Ooo, the Crystal Dimension, and the Nightosphere were there. Finn had known that Jake was famous for being a party animal but never suspected that he was popular in the Nightosphere. After the pastor was done his speech everyone was supposed to toss a handful of dirt into the grave. Finn was last. He was about to toss his handful when all the dirt on the grave began to shake and Finn heard something coming from behind them. He spun around and sighed, dropping his head. He had told Marceline that he should at least bring his kunai knives but she had refused. He tossed his dirt over his shoulder into the grave then dusted his hands off and cracked his knuckles. Marceline was by his side within seconds. They had gotten the necklace fixed a long time ago and had also made a second.
"This would be a lot quicker if I had my knives," Finn said.
"You don't need them," Marceline said. "You're a big bad vampire that knows Krav Maga."
"I said quicker, not easier," Finn said. "And definitely not more fun."
They could both see that what was coming was an army of giants. They were all riding Wyverns which were dragons that couldn't breath fire. Then Finn focused on the one in front and his heart sank. It was Billy riding a seven headed Hydra. Finn glanced at Marceline and she knew what he had seen. Then two dog-rainicorn hybrids flew in between their legs and lifted them into the air.
"Cool warriors gotta have awesome war mounts," one said.
"No," Finn said sliding off. "Go find your mother and get home."
"Okay," they said flying away.
They were Jake and Lady Rainicorn's children. One looked like a rainbow colored dog but had Jake's magical body. The other had the top half of a dog and the lower half of a Rainicorn. That one also had a color palate like a Rainicorn but didn't have any powers except flight. Finn didn't know what their species would be called and Jake never really got around to naming it so Finn just called them the twins.
"They really want to fight huh?" Marceline asked.
"They really want to take their teenage frustration out on something," Finn said. "So basically they're liable to get themselves killed."
Finn and Marceline flew to the giants and everyone stopped.
"What are you doing here Billy?" Finn asked. "More importantly, how did you get out?"
"Giants can destroy anything," Billy said.
Finn looked around and saw a few giants inching around them and toward the crowd at the burial. Finn pointed at the ground in front of them and it exploded.
"You've gotta love vampire telekinesis," Finn said.
All of the Wyverns shot into the air and into a tight swarm without their riders and Finn pointed at them then swung his hand back down to his side. All of the Wyverns shot downward and crashed into the ground with a series of sickening crunches. Billy looked impressed until his Hydra began to float into the air. He leaped off and Finn made a fist. The Hydra crumpled into a ball the size of a walnut and fell to the ground.
Billy whistled a long low whistle then said, "Not bad. You definitely know what you're doing. Too bad you won't be able to use any cheap tricks on me."
"Wouldn't if I could," Finn said. "You're too skilled to waste a chance to have a mostly fair fight."
"Ever seen this before?" Billy asked holding up a sword that was practically white but was definitely metal.
"No," Finn said.
"I have," Marceline said. "It's Diamonite, it works against anything, including vampires."
"We have these," Finn said.
Billy swung the sword and left a small scratch like a paper cut on Finn's left forearm. Finn knew that he had been trying for that and that the necklaces wouldn't help him any.
"Don't suppose you brought me a sword," Finn said.
Billy took a broadsword from one of the giants and tossed it to Finn. Finn caught it and examined it. It had a dragon for the cross guard. The blade was coming out of the dragon's mouth so the first three inches of the blade was covered by the jaws. The jaws were on the sharp sides. The grip was twisted metal and was clearly made for a giant to use two hands. There was a skull on bottom that had a spike on top and a face on both sides. The wings were the cross guard itself. The blade, starting where the sharp part was exposed, was about four feet long. It was heavy but Finn had used heavier weapons before. Billy swung and Finn easily parried the blow. They began to fight and Marceline began tearing the army of giants apart.
After about twenty minutes of this Finn finally lost the sword and Billy used a vertical swing to try to kill Finn. Finn caught the blade between his hands and twisted. The blade snapped and he stabbed his end into the ground. Billy threw the hilt away and got ready to fight. Now that Finn didn't have to use that over sized sword he would be able to do more than hold his own against Billy. Marceline was just finishing up with the giants at this time.
"May Chaos kill you all!" the last giant said just before Marceline drove a sword through his face.
"Chaos will not be killing anyone in Ooo for sometime yet," Marceline said.
Billy tried to kick Finn but Finn caught his foot, which was the same size as his torso, and threw Billy a hundred feet through the field. Billy jumped to his feet and saw that his army was gone. He turned and sprinted away and Marceline would have chased him but Finn stopped her and reminded her they had to finish the funeral. They flew back and the funeral finished a little while later. It was way to late to catch Billy so they just went back to their castle in the Nightosphere. Abadeer had retired and Marceline had taken over. The Nightosphere was actually peaceful now and a lot of monsters moved there just to get away for a little while. The creatures that were in the Nightosphere were released on probation after agreeing that they wouldn't kill anyone or they would be handed over to Abadeer to be tortured for the rest of their existence.
"I wish I could take a vacation without everything going to Hell again," Marceline said.
Everything had been pure chaos after the creatures had been removed from power in the Nightosphere.
"Me too," Finn said.
"You don't do anything," Marceline said.
"No," Finn said. "I want you to have a vacation."
Marceline smirked and punched him in the arm just as they reached their room. They opened the door and their twin sons ran forward and wrapped their arms around their legs. Their twin daughters just sat there watching Wyverns fly around outside. All of the children were the size of young teenagers and were never going to grow anymore but were still only five, maturity wise. They were capable of flying from the time they were born and were fully grown in about a year. Their strength was incredible especially for their age.
"Anything fun happen while we were away?" Finn asked.
"We flew with Wyverns," One of the boys said.
"Did you at least keep them away from the castle Daniel?" Finn asked.
"Yes," one of the girls said.
"Good," Finn said. "Now go brush your teeth, bed time."
The children's names were Daniel, Marshal, Susan, and Penny. Marshal was named after Marceline's brother. Susan was named after Susan Strong who died when she tried to save the Ice King but the Ice King's castle collapsed on both. All of the children knew Krav Maga. Daniel was about five foot four with short dark brown hair and blue eyes. Susan was about five foot six with blond hair and brown eyes. Penny was about five foot three with copper hair, olive colored skin, and amber eyes. She was the only one that could pass as human. She was also the strongest of the four. Marshal was five foot five with short jet-black hair and red eyes. His skin was almost white and he was the most skilled at fighting as well as the most mature. He looked out for his siblings and was the only child that was the highest rank at Krav Maga.
All the children went to the bathroom and brushed the teeth. They really didn't need to considering the fact that their rings had the same enchantment as Finn and Marceline's necklaces and would always fit their fingers and if they grew so would the rings. When they were done they went to bed, specifically floating a couple feet above their beds, and fell asleep instantly. Finn and Marceline smiled at their children then went to bed themselves. By the time they fell asleep it was well past three in the morning. When they woke up they got dressed and went to the throne room where Finn fell asleep again while Marceline listened to requests and reports. After a few hours she woke Finn up then fell asleep herself. Finn took over and after a few more hours the day was over. He and Marceline went to bed and fell asleep instantly. When they woke up they got ready and were about to go to the throne room when they heard one Susan scream. They ran into their children's room in time to see Billy jump out of the room with everyone but Marshal. Marshal was pinned to the wall by a miniature Hydra. Finn tore the Hydra's head off and he, Marceline, and Marshal flew after Billy. They caught up with him just as Penny finished disemboweling him.
"What did you do?" Finn asked.
"What I had to," Penny said. "Dude was a creep."
"You shouldn't kill," Marceline said. "It's wrong!"
"Yeah but it tastes good," Penny said sucking the blood off her fingers.
"PENNY!" Marceline said. "WHAT HAVE WE TOLD YOU ABOUT DRINKING BLOOD!?"
"She's done it before," Marshal said.
"What?" Finn asked.
"She drinks Wyvern blood all the time," Daniel said.
We'll punish you three for not telling us later," Finn said. "For now we're going to punish your sister."
"Try it," Penny said.
Finn stepped forward and Penny pointed at him. An explosion on his chest launched him back a hundred feet and destroyed his shirt but otherwise didn't affect him. Marceline tried to grab Penny but Penny waved her hand and Marceline shot into a cliff which then collapsed on her. Marshal got ready to fight but before he could Penny snapped her fingers and a portal to the underworld opened. She stepped through and before Marshal could go after her it closed. Finn dug Marceline out and together they decided to not go after her yet. They went to their room and changed. Finn put on a pair of Camouflage cargo pants, a black Tee-shirt, and black converse. Marceline put on a black Tee-shirt, skinny jeans, and steel-toed combat boots. When they were done they went to the Candy Kingdom to seek the help of the person they hated the most.
Princess Bubblegum opened the door to the castle when she heard a knock and glared at Finn and Marceline as well as their children who were in the sun without any protection at all.
"What do you want?" Princess Bubblegum asked.
"We need Diamonite and you're the only person in the Land of Ooo that knows where to get it," Finn said.
"And I would help you because?" Princess Bubblegum asked.
"Old time's sake," Finn said. "And for the sake of your son, Prince Gumball."
"Fine," Princess Bubblegum said. "The Fire Kingdom's main volcano has some under the lava."
With that she slammed the door and Finn and the others left. They didn't really want to risk the Fire Kingdom because there was no way they could keep a store of red while there. Finn told the others about a teleporter that only worked one way that could get them to the volcano in a second. They made a beeline for the Scary Dark Forest. They were walking through when something flashed and caught Finn's attention. It flew at him out of the trees and he caught it so it wouldn't get smashed by his necklace. He saw that it was an Guitar-sword. It was different than anything Finn had ever seen. The strings were grooves in the blade but when he traced his finger over the grooves it played a perfectly tuned chord. He sat that toward the handle it looked like the goose neck of a guitar. Marceline had taught him to play guitar a few years ago so he took a minute to play part of crazy train just because he could. Then he realized the entire sword was made out of Diamonite. Marceline looked impressed by the sword. It looked exactly like his own broadsword.
"Wonder who threw it," Finn said.
"Don't know but their my new best friend," Marceline said.
They continued while Finn and Marceline played a few songs together and Marceline was jealous that Finn didn't have to tune his. After a few songs they reached the teleporter and stopped. They put their instruments away.
Finn stood on the teleporter and said, "Kee oth rama pancake."
The teleporter began to glow and suddenly Finn was gone. He arrived on top of the volcano in less than a second. Within about ten seconds his family was with him. They all jumped into the volcano and swam down through the lava until they reached the bottom. There was enough diamonite to make five chest plates but that was all. There were enough holes for almost an extra three tons of it but that was all gone. All that was left was a sigil on the stone that Marceline recognized as a transporter spell. Only one person she knew knew that spell. She pointed to it and Finn knew their next stop. Before they left Finn pointed at the diamonite and said something but all that came out was bubbles. The diamonite began to glow then broke out of the rock and turned into five chest plates. Everyone put a chest plate on and then swam back to the surface. From there they flew to the Fire Castle. They landed in the Queen's chamber and she glared at them.
"Been a while, Finn," Flame Queen, formerly Flame Princess, said.
"Agreed," Finn said. "Where'd the diamonite go?"
"I didn't do anything with it," Flame Queen said. "Clearly you did though."
"There was a transportation spell sigil in the bottom of the volcano and you're the only on that knows that spell besides us," Marceline said.
"I taught Magic man that spell years ago," Flame Queen said.
Marceline and Finn sighed and they and their children turned to leave.
"You're not going anywhere," Flame Queen said. "Touching the diamonite is illegal here."
The guards entered and Finn and his family simply flew out the skylight. When they were out of the castle they saw a huge tsunami coming. They flew back in and tried to warn Flame Queen but she wouldn't listen. After a few minutes they simply left and flew over the wave that was destroying the Fire Kingdom. It was impossible for it to be over a thousand feet tall all the way across and was also impossible for it to exist here since the sea was miles away. They flew toward the Magic Man's house but stopped at a strawberry field to eat halfway there. They decided to walk from there. About an hour or so later they arrived at the Magic Man's house. Finn kicked the door in and threw a kunai across the room where it pinned the Magic Man to the wall by the hair.
"Howdy Magic Man," Finn said.
"Wazoo!" Magic Man said but nothing happened.
"Sorry," Finn said. "That kunai's enchanted. You're not Wazooing yourself anywhere."
"What do you want?" Magic Man said reaching for the kunai.
"I wouldn't do that," Finn warned.
Magic Man pulled on the kunai but it wouldn't move and it electrocuted him.
"I warned you," Finn said. "What did you do with the diamonite?"
"I made a sword for Billy, which, I hear, you broke," Magic Man said.
"Where's the rest?" Finn asked.
"Gone," Magic Man said.
"Where?" Finn asked.
"Not telling," Magic Man said.
Finn pointed at him and he began to scream in agony as his rib cage began to implode painfully.
"OKAY!" Magic Man said. "I sold it to the Lich a long time ago."
"What did he do with it?" Finn asked.
"I don't know for sure but I think he sold it," Magic Man said.
"Who to," Finn asked but Magic Man just shook his head so Finn pointed at him again.
"OKAY!" Magic Man screamed. "LSP...he sold it to LSP."
Finn smirked and pulled the kunai out of the wall and put it away. Then he punched Magic Man and knocked him out.
"God I hate that guy," Finn said.
They all left and flew to the Cloud Kingdom, which was right over the Candy Kingdom. When they got there the first thing that happened was that LSP tried to kiss Finn. The second was that Marceline pinned her to a wall and Finn began puking.
After a few minutes Finn managed to stop and said, "Where's the diamonite LSP?"
"I threw it away a long time ago," LSP said. "It was ugly."
"Do you know where?" Finn asked.
"Sure," LSP said. "But the information is going to cost you."
"Cost me what?" Finn asked.
"A kiss," LSP said.
Finn instantly began to puke again and Marceline held her Axe-base up to LSP's throat.
"You should reconsider your price," Marceline hissed.
"No lumping way," LSP said. "Finn's my soul mate no matter who he's married to."
Finn stood and told Marceline to get out of the way. She did and Finn held up his hand, palm toward LSP. LSP began to try to scream but all that came out was a strangled sound.
"Ready to talk?" Finn asked.
LSP nodded furiously and Finn let his hand fall.
"It's at the Lich's old castle," LSP said. "I promise that's where I dropped it."
They left and flew to Lich Castle. Finn hated the place but knew what they were looking for. There was a huge crater next to the castle. They landed there but the diamonite was gone. There were small footprints that smelled familiar. Finn couldn't quite place it but knew he knew what it was. Then he remembered exactly where he smelled it and where it would be. He led the others to a cliff and said an incantation that Marceline didn't recognize. A giant pink portal opened and Marceline could see that the edges of the portal were crystallized. They went through and found themselves in Lady Rainicorn's living room. The twins hugged Finn then Marceline. Then they began to Play with Finn and Marceline's kids and left the room.
"Lady," Finn said seriously. "Do you have any diamonite?"
"Oh yes," Lady Rainicorn said.
She had gotten a translator that didn't affect her voice but translated her words to English.
"It's in the attic," Lady Rainicorn said signaling them to follow.
They went to the attic and began searching. There were a lot of boxes and chests but the diamonite was nowhere to be found. After a little while they found an empty box with the word diamonite written across the top. It was big enough to hold about three tons worth of diamonite. Finn opened it and saw that there was only enough for one weapon.
"Is this all you have?" Finn asked.
"Yes," Lady Rainicorn said. "The rest was made into enchanted weapons like your sword."
"Oh," Finn said. "How many?"
"Four," Lady Rainicorn said. "One set of kunai knives, one bowie knife, your sword actually makes five, a bow that shoots arrows made out of pure light that can kill anything, and a spear that can break any magical barrier."
"I've seen the spear," Finn said remembering the witch that had nearly killed Marceline by using the spear that broke the original necklace. "The others I'm not sure about."
Finn made three hand signs and said a short incantation and the remaining diamonite turned into an Axe-base like Marceline's but with the same groove-strings as Finn's guitar-sword. He gave it to her and she thanked him. Then Finn thought of something.
"Do you know what happened to the other weapons?" Finn asked Lady Rainicorn.
"The spear was stolen and the others we gave to Princess Bubblegum," Lady Rainicorn said.
Finn thanked her and gave her a hug then he and Marceline got their children and they all left. They got back to the Candy Kingdom in about an hour and Finn kicked the front door so hard it got stuck in the wall between the thrones about a hundred meters away.
"What's your issue Finn?" Princess Bubblegum asked.
"WHERE ARE THEY!?" Finn shouted.
"Where are what?" Princess Bubblegum asked.
"THE DIAMONITE WEAPONS!" Finn shouted.
"Oh those," Princess Bubblegum said. "You've got the sword and kunai knives, the bowie knife is missing, as are the bow and the spear."
Finn pulled out his kunai knives and only just realized it was almost white. He gave them to Marshal then turned back to Princess Bubblegum.
"Where are the bowie knife and the bow?" Finn asked.
"How should I know?" Princess Bubblegum asked.
Lemongrab suddenly bolted for the exit but Finn pointed at the door and it exploded. Lemongrab landed a few meters back but wasn't hurt.
"Anything you'd like to say Lemongrab?" Finn asked.
"No," Lemongrab said. "Nothing."
"Really?" Finn asked. "Where were you going?"
"Nowhere," Lemongrab said.
"Great," Finn said. "I'll go with you."
Lemongrab suddenly turned white and Finn asked if there was anything he wanted to say again.
"Okay," Lemongrab said. "The bowie knife was given to a wizard named...um...Ash. The bow was given to Fight King."
"Where is the Fight king?" Fin asked.
"He's at his coliseum," Lemongrab said.
"Why didn't you tell me this?" Princess Bubblegum asked.
"Why would I tell my puppet anything?" Lemongrab asked.
"Puppet?" Finn asked.
"My lord the Lich will reward me for allowing him direct access to the Land of Ooo through this kingdom," Lemongrab said.
Finn stabbed him in the face then pulled the sword up and watched as the Lich shot out of Lemongrab's destroyed head.
Princess Bubblegum suddenly shook her head and looked around confused. Finn got ready to fight but the Lich simply slapped him away. Finn landed against the wall and shot at the Lich but just before he got there the Lich turned into dust and blew out the window. Finn sighed then had a very bad feeling of foreboding. He had a feeling he knew where the Lich was going but was too busy to chase him. All of them flew to the Fight King's coliseum and landed in front of it.
"What's the last thing you remember?" Finn asked Princess Bubblegum.
"I was reading when Lemongrab suddenly appeared and suddenly I'm watching the Lich climb out of his head with you two there not five minutes ago," Princess Bubblegum said.
Finn filled Princess Bubblegum in about everything that happened in the last few years. She seemed repulsed by the thought of having had a child with Lemongrab to say anything but then she seemed happy to have a child. After a little while Finn got to the more recent events like him and Marceline being together, him being turned, Princess Bubblegum torturing Marceline, and Jake's death. When he finished Princess Bubblegum slumped against the wall and rested her head in her hands. Finn told him and Marceline's children to keep her safe then he and Marceline walked into the coliseum and found Fight King sitting in his throne in the stands with a bow across his lap and his usual giant gold, glowing sword in his only hand. Finn waved and the Fight King growled in frustration that Finn couldn't blame him for. Last time Finn had met the Fight King he had broken the sword and caused the Fight King turn to dust. Then a witch had reforged the sword and the Fight King was revived.
"Hey Fight King," Finn said. "Don't suppose you'll give me that bow."
"Of course," Fight King said. "Just as soon as you kill me."
"Sure," Finn said.
He pointed at the sword and it snapped in half. The Fight King turned to dust and over three thousand ghost gladiators appeared. Marceline went for the bow while Finn fought the ghosts. After a couple minutes Marceline got back pale and said that one of the ghosts had the bow. Finn finally gave up and clapped and all of the ghosts disintegrated. The bow landed in the center of the coliseum. Marceline picked it up and they left the coliseum. Marceline gave the bow to Susan who was a perfect shot with a bow. Then Marceline led them to Ash's new house. Instead of the shack he used to live in he now lived in a huge stone fort that had stone spikes on top and multiple stone golems that were armed with boulders. They all flew over the wall and landed in the middle of the courtyard. Princess Bubblegum took cover in a store room while the others made their way to Ash's room. Susan and Daniel began to get rowdy but Marshal kept them under control. After a few minutes they arrived and found Ash talking to a human. The human saw Finn and smirked then opened a navy blue portal and went through. The portal closed and Finn and Marceline were confused about where it went. They had no idea where.
"Welcome, Mar Mar," Ash said. "I see you brought your pathetic boyfriend."
"I could still kick your-"
"Finn!" Marceline interrupted him while covering their children's ears.
"Sorry," Finn said.
"Finn lookout!" Marceline said.
Finn spun back around in time to catch the diamonite bowie knife before it hit his face. He gave it to Daniel then turned back to Ash.
"Did you really think that would work?" Finn asked.
"It was enough for you to not hear," Ash said.
"Peebles," Finn said. "Where's Marshal."
They looked around and saw that Marshal was gone. They ran downstairs and found Marshal sitting next to a pile of dead golems and Princess Bubblegum brushing herself off next to him.
"I killed them dad," Marshal said.
"It's okay," Finn said. "Sometimes you don't have a choice. Others you do. This time you didn't because they were golems. Everyone okay?"
"I'm fine thanks to your son," Princess Bubblegum said.
"I'm fine too," Marshal said standing. "Did you get the knife?"
"Yeah," Finn said. "Now we just need to find your sister."
"Will you kill her?" Marshal said.
"I hope it doesn't come to that but if I need to, yes," Finn said.
They flew back to the Candy Kingdom and dropped Princess Bubblegum off then went to the Nightosphere to get a little extra, deathless, soul-sucking help. Abadeer was very stubborn but eventually agreed. Finn didn't want to kill any of his children but also knew that he didn't have any other choice. They opened a portal to the under world and stepped through. They had no idea what was waiting for them.
