Oh, Boy

"Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy." Holly muttered under her breath as she was placed in a chair and informed that she had to await the arrival of Captain Katherine Janeway of the star ship Voyager.

Apparently the Captain was on an away mission at the precise moment, even though Starfleet regulations stated that the Captain should not be a member of an away party of an unknown planet. However this particular Captain was taking precautions; she had taken along an unknown and completely dispensable Crewman who didn't actually have a name. If the away team faced any danger, Crewman number 76 would sacrifice himself.

"Oh boy oh boy oh-"

"And there seems to be loads to pick from." A familiar voice disturbed her muttering. Standing behind Holly was Justine, a data pad in hand. Holly jumped up to hug her friend and college, only to find her self falling right through Justine and landing on her face. Justine informed Holly that she was a projection from home. After twenty minutes of explaining through diagrams and children's books Holly finally understood.

"Why the hell am I here Justine?" Holly hissed as she scooped herself from the grey floor.. "More to the point why are you here instead of helping me get home?!"

"I am helping you get home." Justine replied instantly. "Think of the universe of fiction as a slinky." Justine produced a multi-coloured plastic spring from thin air.

"Ooooooo, pretty." Holly became transfixed on the plastic, causing her once again to fall right through Justine. "Ok, I'm listening."

"When you used the travelling device this is what happened." Justine threw the slinky to the floor. It instantly tangled into a giant ball. "Now all the genres overlap and I believe you are leaping between them."

"Leap?!" Holly exclaimed. "I don't leap, leaping does not sound grace full."

"You wanna get home or not?" Justine snapped. "For all we know you could leap straight back home from here... Once-" Justine looked upset.

"Once?" Holly prompted. Justine wouldn't answer. "What do I have to do?"

"You've replaced some writer's Sue. We don't know which one though. Keria is looking through the Fan Fiction database right now."

"And how will that help?" Holly sat down. What was starting out as a great day had turned completely sour in a matter of hours. She was now missing her meeting to talk with Chancellor Baby-Mary-Sue about adopting a man.

"Because the reason you are here is to fix this Sue-fic. What ever happened, this story didn't reach it's end. Maybe the writer got board. Maybe she fell in love with another character and started a new one or worse still; maybe the plot was so dire it was flamed with the coals from hell. But Holly, listen carefully now; if you don't get the guy before this story ceases to exist. YOU cease to exist and we can't get you home."

"So who's the guy?" Holly hoped it wasn't the security office. It would be hard to make a guy love her if he couldn't love himself.

"We don't know. We don't know what story you've fallen into yet. All we know is-" Justine was cut off by the hissing of the opening doors. "Got to go."

"Wait! All you know is what?" Holly shouted after a fading purple haze.

"Ensign. I am Captain Katherine Janeway of USS Voyager." The woman with bobbed brown hair spoke as she seated herself opposite Holly.

"Ensign?" She repeated, her eyes boring into Holly.

"Who, me?" Holly countered. The Captain looked back at her blankly. "Sorry, er... Captain."

"Ensign, I must apologise on behalf of my Chief of Security. He was not aware you were joining us."

"What? He told me I couldn't possibly be here. That you are lost, 70,000 light years from home. How long exactly is a light year?" Holly questioned brightly.

"Ensign, if you don't know that you should not be wearing that uniform." The Captain informed her heatedly.

"Does that mean you don't know either?!" Holly leaned forward, her forearms resting on her legs.

"Yes." Katherine Janeway replied, readjusting her position in the chair.

"Yes that you know how long a light year is, or yes that you don't know either?" Holly questioned the blushing Captain.

"Yes, I know!" She straightened her jacket.

"Then how long is a light year?" Holly questioned again. Captain Janeway looked furious, none of her crew would dare speak to her like that.

"You did not ask to speak freely Ensign."

"May I speak freely Captain?"

"Yes Ensign?"

"How long is a light year?"

The Captain babbled incoherently.

"What?"

"Look, I don't know how long a light year is. Please stop asking."

"Ok." Holly twiddled with her thumbs while she thought of something to say. "What am I doing here?"

"We transported you from the Alpha Quadrant to help us on our journey home." Captain Janeway explained but something didn't seem right.

Holly had a brain-wave; "Why didn't you just use the transport to get you all home?"

"Because…." Once again the Captain had become stuck. "Because, the transport that is on an incoming low band, undercurrent delta-wave frequency that disburses once in every high orbit polar ion charge when Voyager acts as a high level gamma heat transference conductor between this systems sun and the planet we transported you to."

"You just said a load of stuff I didn't understand." Holly sat back in the deep chair.

"We couldn't use it to get home. Ensign, you've been brought here to see what you can do to the transport on the planet, you have very little time because the moment we arrived the device began to degrade. You have about forty-eight hours before it malfunctions forever and you have to go home."

"How come I can get home and you can't?"

"Because you are only contracted for the next forty-eight hours. After that we continue on our seventy year mission, wasting time on futile attempts of getting home because otherwise this would be an extremely dull show."

"But if I can get home, so can you?"

"Yes, you succeed and you will get through, but one of our crew will spill a drink on the consol and the planet explodes, we went through all of this on the planet Ensign, Don't you remember any of this?"

"No. I'm sorry."

"It's all right Ensign." The Captains features softened and she pressed a button on the table.

"Janeway to Chakotay."

"Chakotay here."

"Would you like to take our new crew member to the sickbay, Janeway Out." She pressed the button once more. "We will find out what has gone wrong. We don't go an episode without the hope of going home being dashed." Janeway stood and led holly to the door. The door opened once again, and there stood an Adonis. Black hair etched with grey, a tattoo above his left eye. Those lips. Thick and kissable… maybe if I just went over and kissed him-

This was wrong. A Mary-Sue didn't fall in love, a Mary-Sue lived out her writer's fantasies and dreams, not her own. Mainly because she didn't have any.

"Ah Chakotay." Janeway greeted enthusiastically. Holly turned green, it must not be him that she was to woo. "Escort Ensign Crash to the sick bay please. It appears she is showing some side affects to the transportation. She seems a little dim considering the praises everyone in Starfleet have been singing about her. She'll be after my job next."

"I am still here you know." Holly broke out of the trance the Commander had put her under.

"See; completely delusional." Janeway gripped Holly's shoulder tightly, then patted her so hard that she was certain it would bruise. Holly took one step further and the sex-on-legs gripped her arm to support her.

Hmmmmm. If I pretend to feint, will he carry me in those big strong arms of his? Holly's thoughts preceded her fake fall. Eyes closed she could feel the man's warm hands float over her body.

Then

"Two to beam directly to sickbay."

Damn the Sci-Fi genre. If I was in a good gothic novel I'd have been scooped to hospital about now. Yea, sure… I'd have been at risk of dying from infection, but at least I'd have been scooped.

"Please state the nature of the medical em-" The lifeless doctor droned as Holly felt herself materialise on a cool steel bed. Her eyes snapped open and Chakotay's head was hovering above her, along with the head of a balding man.

"-Look. I'm fine, I've just lost my memory that's all." Holly eased herself up on the bed.

"So you're a doctor are you?" The doctor inquired sharply. Holly faltered. "Well are you? Can you treat yourself? Have you got a Phd? Nooooooo you haven't," The doctor swayed melodramatically. "It's just that he's a hologramme. You seem to think because your real makes you smarter. Well, I'll tell you missy." He waved the tricorder under her nose. "I have the brains of every single earth doctor stored in my data-files; I do know how to waste money, run every single test and still not know what's wrong with you. They only teach that at doctors and nurses school you know."

"Just run the tests Doctor." Chakotay ordered. As soon as the Doctor was out of ear-shot Chakotay lowered himself to whisper in Holly's ear. "Sorry about him; there's a virus in his programme." Holly blushed and giggled profoundly. Emotions that were new to her run through ever vein of her body.

There eyes met.

"We shouldn't do this." He whispered. "I'm a superior office; it's against regulations." As soon as he had uttered the words, his lips lowered onto he-

"Commander." The Doctor shouted from his office. "Can I have a word with you please."

"Be right back." He smiled widely at Holly, straightened his jacket and walked out of sight.

"My my, you do work fast. The writer doesn't even get that close for another six- no sixteen chapters." Justine had reappeared the second Chakotay had left. Holly had once again become distracted by her reflection. "Unfortunately, people stopped reading after the next two." She pressed a few buttons on the data pad and spoke. "You need to kiss him to leap."

"Shouldn't be too hard I got close enough just then." Holly smiled. She was glad it was him.

"You're a Sue?!" Chakotay came storming out, furious.

"You were saying?" Justine muttered. "Tell him that you had an illness as a child that made you this way-"

"We've already covered that in Series One!" The Doctor addressed a deer-in-headlights Justine.

"You can see me?" Justine asked. "You can actually see me?"

"Nooooo, I'm hearing voices!" The Doctor replied sarcastically. "Course I can see you. Where the hell did you come from?"

"Who are you talking to Doctor?" Chakotay asked, being the only person in sickbay who could not see Justine.

"That extremely gorgeous hologramme that is standing next to Ensign Crash."

"Why thank yo-" Justine began before Chakotay cut him off.

"Okay. Well, I'm just going to go over here and play around with your programme." Chakotay backed away slowly.

"Go help him… According to the data files you're an engineer." Justine explained, her eyes firmly fixed on the Doctor. "So, I'm extremely sexy and drop dead gorgeous….."

Holly, or as everyone kept calling her; Ensign Crash, hobbled over to Chakotay. Apparently her "fake" collapse had actually turned into a real injury. Go figure.

"Can I help? I'm an engineer." Holly asked.

"Your wearing red." Chakotay informed her.

"You want me to go get changed?"

"No, it's just Engineers wear gold!"

"I'm special."

He exhaled. "Typical Sue."

"Just let me help Chika- er- Cahto- coathook? Chipbutty- Forget it. Just let me help Commander." Hw stepped aside. "Right. Okay, now… We'll just press this button here- then this one," Nothing had happened. "Followed by this…." Everything happened in slow motion……

"Nnnnnooooooo!"

"…..One." Holly smiled. "What?"

"Emergency medical Hologramme deleted." The computer announced.

"Woops." Holly giggled.

"Woops?! You've just deleted our only medical officer."

"Well, you were distracting me. You were being so sexy and macho; I was nervous." Holly hoped the face he was seeing could pout well.

"Nervous?" Chakotay's hands reached for her neck.

"Tell him that you're a doctor." Justine suggested.

"Are you crazy; I've just told him I'm an engineer!!" Holly hissed so only Justine could hear.

"Just do it. Ensign tell him that she's one in chapter twenty anyway." Justine argued. "Remember the Sue-Ellen, Holly, and the Mary-Poppins; Practically perfect-"

"-Perfect I everyway, I know." Holly nodded. "Chakotay, don't worry I've done you a favour. I'm a doctor."

"So why the hell are you wearing red?" Chakotay.

"Because it goes with my complexion?" Holly suggested.

"Janeway to Commander Chakotay" His comm badge was speaking just like the Captain.

"Chakotay here."

"Have you finished in sickbay; Ensign Harry Kim has gone missing again."

"Again?! Where is he this time?" Chakotay groaned, it wasn't an episode if the young boy wasn't getting lost in some cavern or holo-deck programme.

"I'll be right there, Chakotay out."

The doors opened and in stepped a tall blonde with perfect perky breasts, scultured hips, a skin tight uniform and bee-stung lips.

"Seven?" Chakotay questioned. Holly turned to Justine for some guidance to find her very pale and sickly looking.

"She's a Sue. A very powerful Sue." Justine trembled.

What do you think?