Author's Note: Alright! I'm trying to get as many chapters out as possible as a source of motivation. These chapters are a little short, but I hope to make them longer as time goes on!
The center quad is buzzing with excitement; the flashing is nearly blinding from all of the cameras, and it seems everyone has something inspiring to say or a new hand to shake or a job offer to excitedly close in on. I'm standing in the middle of it all, Takahiro at my side and Usagi-san loitering somewhere behind us. To be honest, I never thought I'd make it this far…but I blink a couple times and everything remains as it is. I pinch myself and I'm not dreaming. I'm high-fiving all of my friends in my best suit and we're laughing and throwing our congratulations back and forth, and this is actually happening to me. Today I am officially a graduate of the prestigious Mitsuhashi University, and I couldn't be prouder of myself.
"You did well."
I jump a little at Usagi-san's voice. I hadn't felt him behind me. I turn to look at his face, and to my pleasant surprise he looks thrilled – or as thrilled as Usagi-san can look. This is a good change from this morning when he was…emotionally incapacitated.
My cheeks warm knowing that he's also proud of me. It was evident how niichan felt from the start (it usually is), and after searching for a second I finally see him a short distance away conversing with one of my professors. After further inspection it appears to be Kamijou…oh no.
Please don't say anything bad about me! Just pretend I never took your class!
I'm so caught up in my fretting that I almost forget that Usagi-san just praised me. That's a rarity; the man is usually really blunt and cold, so seeing him smile so gently at me and offer me praise only makes me even more jittery. I soon realize that I haven't even answered him, and have potentially made the situation more awkward than it needed to be.
"Ah, thanks…but I couldn't have accomplished any of this without your tutoring," I point out, trying to suppress the growing urge to hug him. There are too many people present.
He looks blankly at me for a moment, like there's something he isn't sure how to say, but then he smirks and ruffles my hair.
"Wha- HEY," I squirm, batting lightly at his hand, "it took me an hour to do my hair!"
"Don't undermine your own effort. You created a goal for yourself and then you sought me out," he says softly, almost kindly. "What should it matter that you needed help? Look where you are now."
I'm well aware that I'm blushing. I've been blushing for the past eight minutes.
His hand comes back down to pat my head, just pat it, and I can feel myself leaning into his touch. Damn him for making me feel so steady and uncertain, and with such common praise, too. Honestly.
"I know where I am," I mumble. "But I still want to advance. I want to get better!" I'm observing the other students, watching the crowd slowly dissipate as people leave, but my mind is focused primarily on Usagi-san. The entire time I've known him I've admired how put-together his career is, how sure of himself he's always been. Even when he struggles to meet a deadline or argues with Aikawa, his editor, he still produces good work and remains consistent. I want to be like that. He's looking at me, just looking, and I think I catch some confusion in his eyes…but then, he doesn't question anything I'm saying. Then his eyes soften into something a little too intimate for a casual chat on a college campus, especially when my brother is only ten feet away from us, and he leans in so close that I can feel his breath tickle my ear.
"Usagi-san, wha-?"
"I want to see you get there, then. I want to be next to you every time you advance, until you reach the top."
And if those words aren't enough to make me shiver…but this is still too close. I push him back, just a bit, and spare him a weak smile.
"And then we'll be equals," I say, and he looks legitimately surprised for a moment. The surprise shifts into something else, though. It isn't a very happy expression. It's actually pretty…glum.
"Misaki!" Takahiro's voice brings us back to reality. "I'm surprised you've never mentioned Professor Kamijou. He's a pretty fun guy to talk to," he smiles, then laughs at my expression – probably because my face is drained of all color. I grumble something under my breath that only slightly resembles he's great before coughing into a fist.
"You're starting to look like our flag, Misaki," Takahiro points out, "first you were blushing like a bride and now your face is almost completely white. What on earth did you tell the kid, Akihiko?" Takahiro chuckles, turning to look at Usagi-san who has maintained an air of stoicism this entire time.
Before I can freak out and start blabbering on like an idiot, Usagi-san offers Takahiro a friendly smile, though a small one, and simply says, "I think Misaki's a little nervous about what comes next."
That knocks my senses back, but also gets me overthinking things yet again. Usagi-san and I only talked briefly about what would come next for me, for us. A year ago I told him that I was almost certain I wanted to continue living with him, but that was an entire year ago. Things change a lot over the span of twelve months. People change.
Have we changed?
I don't even want to think about all the changes I've had to go through by just living with Usagi-san; I'd probably end up getting a headache. I guess the best question for me to ask would be: were they good changes? Or, even more importantly: were they enough?
Takahiro's expression shifts into something a little more serious, and suddenly I'm not sure that I like the direction in which this conversation is heading. I can feel another lecture coming on, which means another pack of lies that I have to tell my brother just to keep him off our trail. Usagi-san has made it clear that he doesn't want to tell Takahiro just yet, and I'm fine with that, but there's only so much longer we can keep this charade up…
"Actually," Takahiro says slowly, "there is something I wanted to talk to Misaki about over dinner. Since you're his flatmate, Akihiko, I'd feel even better if you came along."
I start blubbering like an idiot again.
"Is that really a good idea?! Heh, I mean this is supposed to be brother-to-brother bonding time," I screech, waving my hands frantically. I don't want Usagi-san there. I don't know what things might come out of my mouth if he's around during this conversation. Hell, I don't even know what things might come out of his mouth.
"I'd be happy to join," Usagi-san says courteously and I almost choke. This is not going to end well.
As I expected, dinner is horrifically awkward. I'm trying to distract myself by reminding myself that after dinner we're going to the theatre, something that should excite me. Perhaps I overestimated my ability for optimism, because I could cut through the tension at this table with my butter knife.
"We met this family the other day at a company party, very nice people. Apparently Manami took a cooking class with the wife. Anyways, they have a daughter just about your age: Minako Hayashi. I think you two would really get along, and before you protest you should know that Manami and Minako's mother are already planning your wedding…" Niichan is laughing, but the pleasant sound does nothing to quell the feelings of unease coursing through me.
I stare at my plate, moving my vegetables around wordlessly. I feel antsy and out of focus, and out of the corner of my eye I can see Usagi-san staring at me. I don't look at him to see his expression, though.
"And...if I was dating s-someone else?" I stutter, and my face flushes. I'm going to be permanently red in the face if this weekend doesn't end soon.
"Are you?" Takahiro looks stunned. "Why didn't you tell me?"
I stab at a piece of meat. There's only silence, and I can barely swallow. I notice Usagi-san has gone almost completely still beside me.
"I'm…not," I say slowly, trying to sort out my thoughts, "hypothetically speaking…"
"Well, hypothetically speaking, you know I would never push you one way or the other," Takahiro says then. "You can love whomever you want…"
For a few brief moments I wonder how I could ever doubt my brother's devotion to me and my happiness. Surely I could tell him about me and Usagi-san? Surely he'd understand? Surely he would…?
"…as long as they're your age, of course. Wouldn't want you being taken advantage of."
I can feel myself sink lower into my seat. There's no way I could tell him.
Usagi-san clears his throat then, and I listen anxiously to what he has to say. A part of me hopes he's just changing the subject.
"Takahiro, have you ever considered that being with someone older might benefit Misaki's personal growth? I personally believe emotional maturity can be spread through direct contact, not unlike the common cold."
Takahiro's smile is appreciative, but I can still see the doubt in his eyes.
"I see where you're coming from, Akihiko, though I have to stand by what I said earlier. You may not realize this, but Misaki is very impressionable…"
At this point I'm a little offended that they're talking about me like I'm not even here, like I don't exist outside of their biased perceptions of me.
"…and that makes him easy to…erm…seduce. He's had some unhealthy crushes in the past, and whenever things didn't work out he'd be traumatized for weeks on end, sometimes months. I just want to protect him from that-,"
I can't take it anymore. I drop my silverware and slam my hands down on the table.
"You don't have to protect me!"
That came out a little more bratty than I intended. I'm honestly surprised the entire restaurant isn't staring out our table, though a few people definitely are. And my face is flushing again…great. I also realize my hands are shaking, and I'm blinking back embarrassed tears now, too. Why is this conversation bothering me so much? I can't stop talking, though. I have to keep going otherwise I'll never get my point across.
"I just graduated college," I breathe deeply through my nose, "I have a job lined up at Marukawa Publishing, and I think I'm old enough to decide what I want to do with my life. I don't need someone to hold my hand. I can hold a relationship, a job, and a life on my own," but the more I speak the more it sounds like I'm just trying to convince myself.
Takahiro is just gaping at me at this point, probably because I just caused a scene in a fancy restaurant. He finally closes his mouth and looks down at his hands, unsure of how to respond. I can't help but sully in these new feelings of regret, because I know he means well, but before I can apologize Usagi speaks up.
"I think you're right, Takahiro." I have no words anymore. "Misaki needs someone he can have a stable relationship with, someone he can be equal to." I have no words anymore because Usagi has stolen my words, stolen them from earlier today, and is now using them against me.
"That's what I've been trying to say. I promise I have the best intentions, Misaki," Takahiro reaches over to brush my hand with his. His eyes are wide with genuine concern. "But you need to become more self-reliant, and that's why I want you to find a new place to live as soon as possible. If you ever want to succeed in life, you're going to need to provide for yourself. I can't do it for you. Akihiko can't do it for you. And this 'hypothetical girlfriend' definitely could not, and would not, do it for you."
"But I-,"
"Listen to your brother, Misaki," Usagi holds a hand up to silence me. "You know I've appreciated everything you've done in lieu of rent, but maybe it's time you made your own experiences…" Usagi-san swallows hard before finishing, "…and made your own life."
It seems like we stare at each for a long time after that, though it couldn't be more than a few seconds. I'm looking into his eyes, and internally I'm asking him all of those unspoken questions that I desperately wish I could vocalize now.
Is this what you want?
Should I want this?
Were we just fooling ourselves?
"Thanks Akihiko. I'm glad he's had a good role-model for all these years," Takahiro says, placing a hand on Usagi's shoulder as they share a smile.
I honestly don't even know what to say anymore. I can't speak, so I begin to eat. I think I want to cry, or maybe I don't? There's something pricking at my eye (tears?) but I ignore it and continue eating. As far as I'm concerned, this conversation is over.
Things don't get much better as the night progresses. The three of us go to the theatre and see the play as planned, and knowing Usagi-san, I sit there expecting him to try to…well, touch me - like he usually does whenever we go see a movie. He'd never refuse the chance to sneak a couple kisses, not that I necessarily want him to, but Takahiro would be none the wiser. He's too engulfed in the play to notice anything, including the way Usagi-san yawns every ten or so minutes. It's a perfect opportunity for Usagi-san to distract himself, using me obviously, but he never makes a move. He just sits there and yawns and looks mildly troubled. Or maybe I'm imagining it because I'm troubled.
I'm relieved when the play ends. A waste, I think, I had been looking forward to this all day. I can't even recall what it was about. I'm still stuck on the conversation we had at dinner. I occasionally glance at Usagi-san during the trip home, but he won't look at me. In fact, he doesn't acknowledge me at all for the rest of the night.
When we finally get home Takahiro double-checks his luggage to make sure everything is prepared for his departure in the morning. Then he pats me on the back and makes his way upstairs to one of the guest rooms for a good night's rest. Meanwhile, Usagi and I are left alone downstairs. I'm waiting for him to jump me. I'm not exactly eager for it, not longing for it, but I'm waiting expectantly because I know he's at his breaking point. He couldn't have meant anything he said at dinner; he made it very clear in the past that he has no intention to break what we have – whatever that is.
We both collapse on the couch with exhausted sighs, but there's a huge gap between us. It's funny, really. It's funny because I feel like that gap is always there, no matter where we go that gap follows us and shoves its way in between us. We sit in silence for awhile, allowing the gap to grow, watching it grow because we're bored and we've got nothing better to do, I guess. Usagi-san lights up a cigarette and finally relaxes, letting himself slowly sink into the cushions. I'm not relaxed, however. I can't stand the silence anymore.
"Hey, Usagi-san?"
"Mm?"
I take my bottom lip between my teeth as I prepare what I'm going to say next. Maybe I should say something deep and inspiring about moving forward, or maybe I should comfort Usagi-san directly? I could tell him to ignore everything Takahiro said, that my brother can't always know what's best for me. I don't say either of those things, though. What I say next is a lot more blunt, and I realize that I'm going to start more trouble than good by saying it.
"Do you think I could get a girlfriend?"
I'm not sure if my question has him stunned or if he's fallen asleep. I haven't actually looked at him for some time.
I turn to look and he's looking back at me, his eyes wide and unfocused…as if they're seeing something else, maybe trying to picture something?
"It's not out of the realm of possibility," he finally answers.
"Hm," I say, pretending to ponder this, pretending to satisfy myself with the answer. In truth, I'm not satisfied. There's a rift between Usagi-san and myself and I don't know how to fix it. The worst part is, I don't even know if I should fix it.
Maybe it's better like this. Communication is more trouble than it's worth, anyways.
I stretch and groan, feeling something in my back pop. Then I move to get off the couch, move so that I can head to the bedroom whilst also escaping the look I know Usagi-san is giving me right now. Suddenly a hand shoots out and grabs my wrist.
"Misaki…"
I turn to look at Usagi-san, who looks pretty tired and miserable, and again wait for the moment when he pulls me into his warmth and proceeds to kiss me senseless.
But he doesn't. He just looks hopelessly at me. And I, in turn, stare hopelessly back at him. A mutual thought passes between us: What do you need from me?
"I need to go to sleep, Usagi-san. E-Excuse me," I say, pulling my wrist out of his grasp and hurrying up the stairs before he can protest.
When I come downstairs the next morning, he's still there – just sitting there thoughtfully on the couch, almost curled into himself. He could have sat there all night if he wanted, and I suspect he did.
