From Russia With Love PART 2! Better Late than Never
When we last left our story, it was several years ago and nothing made any sense!
Linka had removed all her clothes and assumed a doggystyle position in front of Wheeler. Oh, wait. NO! That's not what happened at all.
"BUT WHY?" Wheeler screamed. He face planted into the dirt and no one cared.
"I was transformink!" Linka asserted. She spun around in place and waved her arms but nothing happened. This isn't fucking Sailor Moon and the only one allowed a sparkly transformation sequence is the CAPTAIN HIMSELF. "That is not fair!" Linka stomped her tiny fetish inducing foot with much vexation.
The story had gone rogue. Like a ham sandwich flushed down a solid gold toilet.
"The fuck? That doesn't make any fucking sense," Hoggish Greedly grunted, paying too much attention to the narration and not where his fat ass was headed.
He slammed into a tree. All he could think about was food and money and not how he'd probably given himself a concussion.
"OH, SHIT." He rubbed his large, sweaty forehead, producing a sweet glaze which he wiped with a handkerchief and placed into his pocket for later consumption. "Hey, you assclowns! I found some big ugly old tree. We could probably make a lot of cash by cutting it down for the lumber," he squealed with piggish glee. The thought of it had made his nipples harden to diamond sharp points. That's hard. Unf.
"Profits? Cutting down trees?" Looten Plunder's five billion dollar pants grew tight. "Ooh, I jizzed a little," he whispered.
Dr. Blight sniffed the air eagerly.
"Why am I not the center of attention?" she screamed. She grabbed her heaving, spandex kissed bosom and shook her sloppy sacks furiously at the audience. But no one was watching. This show is too old and corny and preachy to gain a large nostalgic fanbase. "WHY DON'T I HAVE ENOUGH RULE 63? No, wait. Which rule is that? I don't remember. The one where you get dicks. DICKS!" She wanted them. She wanted all of the DICKS.
She couldn't stand how badly she wanted dicks. There were none to be had. And there never would be.
NO DICKS TONIGHT, CHILDREN. GO TO YOUR CORNER. STAND THERE, AND WEEP.
WEEP FOR THE LOSS OF DICKS!
Garbage Man aggressively walked back toward the plot and shoved her out of the way.
"Shut up, bitch. No one cares! Those punks are gonna call Captain Faggot, and then we'll all be back in a new episode where we didn't get to accomplish anything at all."
Sly Sludge couldn't stand it anymore. He couldn't stand his own unpopularity. He didn't get anything. Not a fucking thing. No one loved him.
He wasn't popular. He would never be popular because he was fat and a garbage man and bald and fat and balding and lame. He was the most relatable of all, but tragically fandom doesn't relate to average Joe villains. Who are fat and balding. Unless you're DisneyFan01.
He's real in my heart, and I don't want anyone to try and change my mind about it! You find me cool about it, thank you. You think I need psychological help, SCREW YOU!
"I want to be fucking SHIPPED!" Sly screamed, pulling out a gun.
He aimed it at Wheeler and fired. Kwame jumped in the way, seemingly against his will. The look of shock came across his face, then solemn acceptance. He fell to the ground.
"Shit! I was aiming for the annoying loudmouthed Jersey ginger freak. Well, I got one of 'em. Better than nothing."
"Oh no, Kwame's dead!" Gi yelled. She tried to cry but she couldn't. "Huh. That's odd," she noted. She pretended to cry anyway so she didn't come off as racist. "Oh, Kwame! I loved him! Not really." She pulled out her phone and started taking selfies.
"No one fucking cares!" Wheeler screamed. His pants had mysteriously vanished into the ether. "I want sucky-fucky!" His boner had grown twenty miles long in anticipation of smut. But it didn't look like any was happening, so fuck it all to hell.
FUCK IT TO HELL AND BACK.
Only not, because there isn't any.
Fuck.
Fuckless.
"You weren't even in the story anymore, asshole," Looten Plunder complained in the Garbage Man's direction. "We have you thrown out constantly because you suck and no one likes you. But great idea for bringing a gun and shooting one of those little fuckpoots!" He reached into his cavernous pockets and pulled out quadjillion dollar bills. "I've misjudged you all these years. Here, have some money." He began showering the ugly man with hot stacks of fast cash.
I was kidding about Rule 34.
Sly Sludge fell to his soggy knees amid piles of perfumed bills from the gaping pockets of a mincing bitchman. Truly, the ultimate insult. He could only crave thing at the moment, for money mattered not. What he wanted came from the heart.
"I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED!" Sly cried to the heavens. Some bills entered his mouth and he started choking. But only a little. The moment's deep and powerful emotion was preserved. He smacked his lips. "Mm. Some of these taste like caviar. The others taste like semen." He put a couple in his pocket for later. Not to spend, but to suck on.
"How would you know that?" Skumm whined. No one was paying attention to him. And the large obvious bulge in his torn, disheveled pantaloons as his eyes locked upon the sweaty fat man who smelled of beautiful filth and fresh billion dollar bills.
Gi decided she didn't want to be involved in this hot mess of fuck any longer so she left.
Kwame coughed, revealing he wasn't dead at all like everyone wanted. And then he started to corpse it when Hoggish Greedly let out an enraged vile fart.
"No, wait, the Planet Queers can't possible win now. They can't call Captain Planet anymore!" Dr. Blight pointed at them. "I killed those fuckers like twenty paragraphs back last chapter but leave it to this fucking retard of an author to have no continuity whatsoever!" She adjusted her sexy hair. "My makeup is running. I have to leave. GET THIS SHIT OVER WITH!"
NO
MAYBE
OKAY
POSSIBLY
"I FOUND MY WALLET!" Looten Plunder yelled happily, right before a giant gust of fetid swamp ass wind blast blew it back out of his hands and somewhere in the mud fields. "GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU, GREEDLY! PUT A CORK IN IT!"
"Kiss my fat white ass, you faggitty fag gaggity gag," Greedly called back with a snort.
"I am not! I get all the bitches. I lay them properly. I AM A MACHO MAN! COMPLETELY HETEROSEXUAL!"
"Not dressed like that, you aren't. You fucking queen." Greedly laughed the laugh of a man who was ugly as shit but still managed to get laid and produce an offspring. It is the laugh that shakes Satan himself from his wistful slumber.
Plunder balled up his fists and tantrumed real hard, whining like an angry five year old does when their momma says "No, Johnny, you can't get an ice cream today. You don't want to ruin your supper. And besides, you'll get fat. You don't want the other kids at school to call you fat, do you? Fat Johnny? Fatty Fat Johnny! DO YOU, JOHNNY? WELL? DO YOU?! THEN EAT YOUR FUCKING CORN! IT WON'T BRING YOUR DADDY BACK, BUT EAT IT ANYWAY! EAT IT, JOHNNY! EAT IT OR YOU'LL GET THE BELT AGAIN!"
Something in the background exploded because it was highly flammable and also on fire but no one was looking in that direction due to all the weird shit going on in the foreground. Debris fell and slammed into the muddy water. One thing that was large crashed into the money tree, breaking it. Greedly wept. Plunder ran but tried to do so not as effeminately as he preferred. It didn't really work. Everyone knew he was a mincing fuck and that's why he'd never touched Blight even though she was the hottest piece of mature ass in the whole show. Tiddays. Spandex bound tiddays.
Sly Sludge and Verminous Skumm were making out with each other, hard. With spit and everything. And boners. Rubbing boners. Yeah.
"We must call Captain Planet! Again!" shouted Linka to Wheeler who was sobbing hysterically while inhaling Viagras. He looked at her looking at him and spit them all back out. "Get the FUCK up here!"
And everyone ran back out like nothing has happened so they could call Captain Planet and fix everything. Just like in the show.
"I wanted to wear all the rings," Linka lamented. "It would have been totally cool."
"Shut up, you fucking story hogging bitch," Kwame said, slapping her in the mouth. He slapped Wheeler across the mouth for good measure. Everyone hated them but wouldn't admit it. Tensions were high. But that's a story for another day. "Now, let our powers combine."
"EARTH!"
"FIRE!"
"WIND!"
"WATER!"
"TED TURNER!"
Everyone stared angrily at Ted.
"Sorry." He hung his head in shame and then he left.
"No one likes that guy," Wheeler spat. "Such a fucking LIBERAL ASSHOLE!"
Ma-Ti raised his ring hand high into the air. "HEART!"
And lo, the summon was completed.
Cap'n Janks came up from the ground with a tremulous rumble and faint squelching. In his mouth was was the freshest and veganest of footlong sandwiches.
"MMM ON MUH MUNCH BREAK, U FUCKWERS!" he growled through crumbs and disgruntlement.
The Planeteers threw themselves at his glistening boots. "PLEASE, CAPTAIN PLANET! SAVE THE DAY BECAUSE YOU'RE A GARY STU AND WE LOVE YOU! WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING WITH YOU, OH PLEASE!" they collectively sobbed.
Planet rolled his eyes. He swallowed his sammich in one mighty gulp and didn't need a drink to wash it down. Because he was Captain fucking Planet.
"You owe me for this round, bitches." He stuck out his perky bubble butt.
He flew up into the air and made a giant storm cloud that brought down rains to the thirsty savannas.
"Some of that was my pee," he boasted.
He landed in front of his adoring Planeteets.
"Wait, we didn't need more water," Gi said frantically, noting how now several villages along the way were now extremely flooded. "We just wanted you to beat up the Eco-Villains for us because they got guns!"
Crapstain Plantain eyed her in the orb slits with much disdain. "Are you saying that I, fucking CAPTAIN FUCKING PLANET, don't know what I'm doing?" He squinted harder. "Well? Are you? Are you seriously?"
"No, I just," Gi hesitated. Cap was big and bad. And rad. And mad. And possibly a huge superbondage fetishist on the side. "No," she squeaked and backed down.
"Good, because I could easily replace you with a random Mary Sue. I've done it before."
Gi began to cry. She cried long and hard, until waterfalls of tears poured from her eyes. It was kind of hot if you're into that particular porn category.
"Are we done here?" Captain Planet asked as he looked around. No one wanted to answer. Deep inside, they knew they were. "Yeah, we're done. Okay, see ya later, losers." He shot up into the air and went to Vegas.
And in the still pouring rain, Skumm and Sludge began to strip their clothes and make sweet, sweet, abominable love.
Skumm whispered sexily into Sludge's ear when it was over, "Congratulations, you have AIDSSSSSSSS."
"Just what I always wanted," Sly responded, finally fulfilled and complete.
THE END
