She Who Will Be Loved
Chapter 2/4
Summary: What is being faced with feelings that are too complicated to deal with? What is the ability to solve them? What is being isolated and surrounded at the same time? What is being woman? On the other side of the galaxy, four women deal with unbidden feelings. J/C, P/T, Kes/Neelix, Sam/Joe. Slightly AU, set towards the end of season 2.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Voyager.
Rating: T for references to adult situations.
***
Chapter Two- The Fear of Falling
She who feels desire knows what it's like to play with fire
How did they get to this point?
They're in the Jeffries tubes, but what they're doing is hardly conducive to working.
He has her trapped against the floor and he's kissing her with such unreserved passion that she feels like she might fall apart.
They really had to stop meeting like this.
The first time was an accident.
They'd been arguing in the shuttle bay over the condition of one of the shuttles. He'd made her so mad that she was ready to rip him a new head. But the angrier she got, the darker his blue eyes turned, and before she knew it he'd pushed her against the very shuttle they were arguing about. But not in malice. The very opposite. His lips against hers was unexpected, but not entirely unwelcome. The mere touch of him was enough to ignite a fire in her blood with an intensity like none that she'd ever felt before. And she refused to let him go.
He's her drug of choice. She knows she should look for a cure because in the end drugs like this can only be destructive.
And he is no exception. She knows his type. She's convinced that he's the good-time sort. She suspects that it is only a matter of time before he tires of her, and she should get away before he takes a piece of her that can't be fixed. She's afraid it's too late.
He makes her blood sing, but she has no idea what she does to his.
As she kisses him back, revelling in the feel of him above her, she knows she's about to find out soon.
***
She who does not know love, does not know life
Women like her do not know love.
With her time span, how can such a thing be possible?
Love is for the truly exceptional. And she doesn't count herself as one of those.
Yet he loves her. He cherishes her. In his eyes, she is infallible and she's scared she doesn't quite meet his expectations.
She's so new at this. So young. How is she supposed to feel something so intense, that for many other species in takes years to fine tune?
Around him she wants to be a better person. He lets her be whoever she wants. Every range of emotion he teaches her how to feel.
Except yet not one.
He's so patient and so loving.
She thinks she loves him as much as she can.
Maybe she's ready to take the next step with him. To show him just how much she can love him.
But how can she be sure she's ready?
***
She who knows not how to feel, struggles to maintain what is real
It took being stranded in the delta quadrant for their paths to finally cross, despite having worked on ships at the same time. Funny how here such a big ship suddenly feels so small.
She considers him her best friend. The man who knows the right words to brighten any of her moods, who talks so much that all of his friends tease that he's in constant warp, but all find it a trait completely endearing. He draws people in with his engaging personality and he's refused to let her stand on the side lines.
When news got out that she was pregnant and with her husband far beyond a comforting distance, he was the one to support her, drawing her out of her isolation and her fear. He was the one with her at every vital step of her pregnancy, and as her due date looms closer, she knows he'll be there for that final, scarier step too. He sees in her a bit of his wife he left behind, and he knows the struggle of a pregnancy even with a loving partner there for support. She sees in him the part of her husband that should be here with her, and she's starting to feel something for him that she shouldn't.
She's falling into dangerous territory that she's not sure how to get out of.
She loves her husband.
But she feels like she's starting to appreciate another.
She doesn't know how to solve this without breaking their world apart in the process.
***
She who knows relentless captivation must find herself in an awkward situation
She's the by-the-book type who religiously plays by the rules.
He's the rebel with a very good cause, whose soft voice is titillating and incredibly soothing. His eyes speak a thousand words and more, and in them she finds herself at home.
He's everything she expected him not to be and she finds that intriguing. He's like a scientific phenomenon that she's dying to solve, but she knows she can't.
She has a man back home whom she loves. Plans and desires of a spring wedding with this man still ring in the back of her mind, but not in her heart.
They've been stranded here for over two years, but less than that to call this place home.
And he's certainly made that process easier.
She knows the way he feels about her. Every night she remembers his strong hands on her shoulders, and revels in how glorious that felt. In her dreams their almost-kiss turns into so much more, and when she wakes up in the morning, she wakes up torn.
He knows what lies within her. Her rules and her values. He knows better than anyone that being with her would compromise everything she's ever believed in.
Yet can't understand why he never gives up hope.
As each day passes, the more her turmoil grows.
When the evening comes for their weekly meal, he strides in with a smile as wide as the Milky Way that quickly falls apart when he meets her troubled eyes.
"Kathryn, what's wrong?"
She shakes her head, not wanting to give an answer.
Instead he asks a different question. "Are you coming to dinner?"
"I can't."
And she knows he can tell that her "I can't" is more than a refusal for dinner. It's a refusal of so much more. She sees the desolation in his eyes, and giving no more than a nod, he leaves.
Captains aren't meant to cry.
But she does.
She cries for what is and what will never be.
For everything she has to sacrifice.
But above all, she cries for him.
For the first time in her life, she's found something so incredibly fascinating that she has to let go of.
For this there's no easy answer. No ready solution. And it hurts so much.
