Dan Cahill
Sup, dudes.
Normally, I wouldn't write this for anything in the world, not even for the next Ninja Gaiden game (which is super cool, have you seen the graphics and the new moves? Awesome!). I have much better things to do with my life, like play video games on the Wii (and kick Amy's butt. Dude, never play on Amy's team on the Wii. Or any sport. She sucks.). But then, the Editor threatened to take it and hide it from me until I write this[1]. I would have used my awesome ninja skills to make her go away, except that she forced me to read what you people like to call 'FanFiction'.
At first I was like, "Who cares?" It's just one stupid story, right? Then, the Editor showed me an entire site full of stories based on the Clue Hunt. That's when I said, "What the heck?"
WHY DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE SO MANY STORIES ON ME AND NATALIE?
I'd understand all those stories that were about my sister and Brit Boy—I still tease her about that. I mean, Amy really looked like she was falling for him. (By the way, did you know Ian blushes just as bad as my sister? Just saying. [2]) I get why you'd think that would make a good 'pairing'. But me and Natalie? No way! That's gross! Sick, man, sick. We have never—I mean never—shown any sort of friendliness for each other, all the more like each other. We are pure enemies all the way. Where did you get the idea that I like her? In any way, friend or girlfriend? The only person that she'd fall in love with is herself.
I don't care if you continue writing about Amy and Ian (I'd love to see their faces when they see this. That would be epic!) but no more Dan and Natalie. She makes me throw up whenever I look at her. She doesn't make me feel 'queasy' inside. She doesn't look like a goddess in my eyes. (Gag. Throw up. Who ever thinks that has committed a serious act of ninja-insulting.) And she doesn't have a heart. (Well, she does have a literal heart. How else would she live—and die? She just doesn't have a figurative one.) She never has, and she never will. Never, ever. Ever.
Another thing.
How come, in the how many stories I've seen so far, I haven't seen one where I show off my awesome ninja skills? I have mad ninja skills, people! I can beat Jackie Chan—online and in real life. Get it through your heads! I can kill you faster than you can blink! (And if you don't stop writing those awful stories, I will kill you faster than you can blink. Or seriously hurt you. Did you see what happened to the Starling triplets? I did that. I was like, "Hi-ya! Wachukuchiku!" and they were all, like, "No! Have mercy on us, O great and wise and awesome and cool and strong Dan!" And me, being the awesome and merciful supreme ninja lord that I am, let them off with only a warning. Oh yeah, bow down to me, my loyal, adoring fans.)[3]
Aaaand, finally.
I have nothing else to say to you.
Oh, wait. I do.
I don't blush. I am not a 'sweet, caring guy', no matter how far down you dig. I don't get flowers for any so-called Hunter, Original Character—most of which are Mary Sues—or Natalie. (You notice that Natalie isn't included in the hunters? That's because she never got her own clue, and neither did she actually hunt—she just sorta whines.) They get me presents—preferably video games and anything ninja-related—for Valentine's day. I don't even like Valentine's Day. They're only for mushy people. What's the point of it anyway? I hate getting mushy. I am a supreme ninja lord, I don't do mushy. I don't have a girlfriend, and I never will. (Unless my girlfriend is a super rich girl who won't mind getting me the newest video games. Know any one that fits the description? Natalie doesn't count.)
So, stop writing stories on me and any girl—especially Baby Cobra,—make me an awesome ninja, and remove any mushiness from any of your stories. I mean it. Now. Before I cut your heads off with my super cool sword from Japan.
The Editor is bugging me to write a longer letter, but I don't want to. She can do whatever she likes with this. I don't care. [4]
~Dan the Awesome Ninja Lord Who Shall Kick Your Butt
[1] Lies. Like I mentioned in the foreword, these letters were sent to me.
[2] Ian himself will clear this up in a future post. I don't know which one because I'm still convincing him to write something to what he calls 'immature writing for those losers who have no life'.
[3] He doesn't have ninja skills, no matter how hard he wishes for it. (Stop poking me with the scissors, Dan!) He tried showing me a demo when we first met, and until now, my dog runs away from him.
[4] He does care. He's watching over my shoulder and breathing down my neck just to make sure that I post this, so that you authors out there will see how he feels. So please, listen to the ninja master. (I'm rolling my eyes as I type this.)
The Editor
P.S. Am I the only one who noticed that Dan gets distracted easily? Look at all those parenthesis and dashes!
