Have you ever thought in a dream that you were falling? Well if you haven't let me inform you that it is the most unpleasant feeling, besides cavities. In my case, I was glad to finally wake up with a lurching stomach and obscured vision. My nightmare was uncomforting, and reality finally set it.
At least the carpet was soft.
I found myself lying on my chest of a suite in all expense paid hotel. My mind is a maze of stairs and tears, drowning me in undefined sorrow. The sun has finally begun to rise and the curtains don't protect me from its brilliant rays of realization. When the phone by the night stand rings, I run my hands through my already tousled mane, pondering if I should answer it and risk the quiet of this room even more.
I give in and on the 5th ring I answer, the voice too hyper for such a stoic morning.
"Good morning Mr. Koizumi, I hope you enjoyed your night. A car will be waiting outside for you in an hour." I think I must have dozed off somewhere in the middle of this conversation because when I woke up again the sun was high in the cloudless sky, ruining any chance I had at another nap. But this time when I woke up my mind wasn't a maze of tears but my stomach was a field of butterflies antagonizing my nerves.
*****
The entire car ride to the studio my brain was denying the butterflies that had flew from my stomach to my heart making it beat nearly as fast as the strides of a hunting cheetah. I think the driver senses my apprehensiveness by my tapping foot and irritated scowl at nothing but the tint of the window.
The car stopped and my heart sped up. I got out, unable to sit still long enough for the chauffer to open the door. My face, I hope, is calm and collected so it won't betray my heart when I walk into the studio. The people greeted me with faces of amazement and embarrassment. Some girl adjusted her skirt, hiking it up a little higher.
"It's so nice to have you here!" Mr. Souh greeted me.
I smile a fraud smile, none of this truly pleasing me, there is only one voice I desire to hear no matter how bad I won't admit it.
"Mr. Koizumi, this is the model you will be designing your clothes on." The way my heart started to beat was unreal, and the disappointment I felt after I discovered she wasn't Yukari almost crushed me, I think the girl noticed my disappointment because she drew her petite hand away briefly when I shook it.
"I look forward to working with you." Might as well be civil to her…it wasn't her fault.
Time passed uneventfully, the girl introduced herself as an 17 year old aspiring model named Senko. I chuckled, jail bait. When we got into our own room for the designs I measured her detachedly, my mind obviously not in the room. This whole time I ignored her smiles and elegant sway of her hips purposely. When she spoke I stayed silent, nodding at just the right time to give the illusion of listening.
"Do you know anything about a girl named Yukari Haysaka?" I say nonchalantly even though my emotions are anything but.
"Yukari? She works here but I don't think she'll be in until noon. I think she is getting fitted for her wedding dress."
A sense of forlornness fills my already unpleasant attitude and I feel like sewing her mouth shut so I can't hear anymore. "I thought she would be married by now." I look down, my eyes not worthy even for me.
"Well her first engagement fell through because they both found out it wasn't for them." I warm inside.
"I see…is she happy?" I can hear the concealed envy in my word. I'm pretty sure Senko is too self absorbed to notice.
"Yeah she can be a real b**** though." She smiles when my hands rest on her waist. But I'm not paying attention to her hopeful smile, even if she is cute and willing, my hopeless attitude totally escapes her.
*******
I didn't notice how late it was until I heard a distant buzzer of someone closing a door, snapping me out of a trance of boredom and lack of inspiration. Everything had gone dark outside; expect the haunting street lights of course. So when I walk out of the suffocating room I didn't expect to hear a set of footsteps coming down the hallway. My attention was gone with the sun, but the soft clicking heels were throwing me off. Rapid at first, then slow, rapid again and then constant at last. Almost made me want to scream in frustration.
I was always taught to never assume things, that your assumption will always err you away from the truth. But you can't help compulsive habits. I assumed whoever it was just lost new janitor, I assumed I would just walk by whoever it was and not bother exchanging a single word. You should never assume things.
Yukari stared at me with bewildered eyes, those beautiful dark round eyes. A handbag in her right hand, black knee length skirt, hair under a tan beanie, and tan turtle neck I didn't know what to do, should I laugh? Cry? My emotions attacked my heart in a way I hadn't known for many months. First I didn't notice her diminished weight, nor did her longer hair or paler skin, the big threatening diamond on her ring finger catch my attention first. What should I do? Speak…say something…
"Yukari," her name tastes so sweet, "It's been such a long time, how are you?" The butterflies in my stomach threaten to spill out of my mouth. She is so beautiful.
"Good George." Her face is contorted, both with beauty and confusion. "What are you doing here?" Impulsively and nervously she tucks a lock of her behind her ear.
"I got offered a job designing clothes for the spring collection." I shrug, as if it wasn't it a big deal.
"Oh I see." She has been walking toward me this whole time, her steps cautious as she passes me leaving behind such an ambrosial scent I almost gag. "It was nice seeing you again." She passes me, not looking over her shoulder.
What the hell? After months of thinking about her, months of nights filled with insomnia because of her. It shouldn't be like this. All I am doing is standing here while my body fights it's self. I want to scream, I want her to come back. The anxiety is building up in my bosom, I'm about to explode. The clicking is getting softer and softer. Do something…don't let her go!
"George!" I whip around to face Yukari's shattered wall protecting her from breaking down. "Is that it? After months of no communication, is that all you have to say to me? I thought you would be happy to see me, possibly even ask me to go somewhere. There were so many nights I thought about you, cried about you, dreamt of you..and yet…" before I know it her beautiful face is stricken with perfect tears.
My paralysis ends and before I can blink twice my arms are around her, cradling her head and the small of her back into my body. I know her body, my body knows where she belongs as if no time has passed. Her handbag has fallen and she is gripping my shirt, crying out all of her pain, frustrations, happiness…I feel like crying too. She comes closer, I hug her tighter.
God please…I beg…Just stop time…
