The morning sun shone through a small crack in the curtains, creating a thin beam of light across my bed, and right into my eyes. I moan and open them, moving my arm to rub the sleep away. I yawn and move to get up, the events of the previous night suddenly hitting me like a baseball bat.
"You
Neela…you are…drunk ok. Drunk as a…drunk person…" Ray's
voice was slurred and mumbled as he stumbled towards me. I
giggled and caught him as he tripped and fell into me, our faces
inches from one another. "And so pretty…even when you've
been crying…you are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen…"
he mumbles out I lean forward and kiss him, which he greatly
returns, wrapping his strong arms around my waist.
I attempt to slide free of his embrace, as I move, he groans and rolls onto his side, facing away from me, the blanket sliding downwards just past his naked hip. I bring my hand to my head and sigh. What had I done? Ray was going to be furious with me when he woke up. He had specifically told me he didn't feel that way about me, that he wouldn't take advantage of me…and I used him for what? Did I feel any better now then I had when Michael left? I sit there for a moment, pondering this, watching him sleep, breathing softly and I realize, I did. I had gotten everything I had wanted, and more from Ray that night but at what cost? Would he even speak to me now? Would he want me out of the apartment?
I move free from the bed and attempt to locate my clothing, which was scattered about the messy room, bits and pieces missing, still in the living room no doubt, suddenly thinking I could hide this. Gather my clothing from the room and Ray would be none the wiser…usually were he drunk enough he wouldn't remember the nights before…but would last night be one of those nights? Was it wrong of me to deceive him this way? I dress as well as I could and glance around the room, unable to believe I was actually considering lying about something this big to my best friend. Suddenly I realize, even if I did pull it off, and he didn't remember, he would wonder why he woke up in my bed.
"Dam it." I curse under my breath "Why did I have to get the closer room?" I frown, wondering what the hell I was going to do now, just as Ray shifts on the bed once more, rolling back to his other side, facing me now. I freeze in fear as he stretches and opens his eyes, jumping back as he spots me standing watching him in only my bra and underwear.
"Good morning Ray." I say in the fakest happy voice I could muster
He looks down at himself and yanks the blanket up, moving off the bed and to his feet. "Dam it Neela!" he shouts, gripping the blanket around his waist tightly "What the hell? I know you were hurting but…I thought I made it clear!"
I look down, unable to answer him, the guilt hitting me harder then the memories of the previous night
had. He crosses the room, and when I look up again, I can see the anger filling his face. I swallow and attempt to speak.
"Ray…I'm sorry I was hurt and I just…" I begin
"You just what Neela? Had to use me as a pity fuck so you could feel better about leaving your husband? You…you were my best friend and I trusted you! If you had any idea…" he stops himself and looks down, the look on his face…he seemed to be holding something back.
"Ray…I know and I am sorry. There is no excuse for what I did…and you have every right to be angry with me. You are my best friend too, and I shouldn't have ruined our friendship over something so selfish and meaningless…"
He looks back up at me, the anger in his face replaced with hurt. "It wasn't meaningless…not to me…Neela…" he stops again, taking a breath and looking away before continuing "If you had any idea how much…how much I wanted that to happen…how much I felt for you, I held it all in cuz you had Michael and I didn't want to get in the way…but now, you've cheapened everything I ever felt. Last night may have been meaningless to you…but it opened my eyes…now I see who you really are and I'm glad I found out before I tried to get involved with you…"
He brushes past me and I couldn't move, or speak. He cared for me? He…everything I had said the previous night, to him; to Michael…the kiss I had given him…I was an idiot. A fool and now I had lost my best friend because of it.
I hear his door slam and a few things bang around in his room before loud rock music began to blast from his CD player. I make my way back to my bed, falling onto it and closing my eyes, the tears beginning to stream from my eyes.
I had no husband, no best friend and probably soon no place to live. Where would I go now? Back to Abby's couch? Was she even living there anymore? Her and Luka had become quite close…but he had just ended things with Sam, probably not looking to settle down again so soon…I should call her. Even if Ray didn't decide to kick me out, I should at least give him some space. I owed him that much.
I reach over to grab my cordless phone, wiping the tears from my eyes as I dial Abby's number, hoping I didn't wake her.
"Hello…" I hear her answer groggily
"Abby? It's Neela…I hope I didn't wake you…" I speak, my voice hoarse now
I hear her shift on the other
end, probably was sitting up in her bed. "No…well yea kinda but I
need to be up in an hour anyway for my shift so…you need
something?"
I swallow and sigh, trying to think of the easiest way to explain this to her what had happened without bursting into tears over the phone.
"I…I…" I couldn't get the words I needed to say out of my mouth. "Is there anyway I could crash on your couch for a few days? Ray and I…had a disagreement and I think he could use some space…"
"Sure…is Michael coming too? I'm not sure if my couch is big enough for two people but your welcome to try…"
"No Michael and I…we broke up. He's probably halfway back to Iraq by now…"
"Sweetie I'm sorry…god when did it happen? Do you need someone to talk to?"
I bite back tears and take a sharp breath. "Yes…" I mumble out softly, knowing there was much more then just Michael I needed to talk to someone about.
"Ok…well gather some things and meet me at our usual coffee place…we can talk alright? I actually have a few things I should tell you too…good things, might cheer you up…"
I nod, despite the fact she couldn't see it over the phone and swallow again before answering. "Alright…give me a few minutes…"
"No problem." She answers "I'll see you in a few ok? You're going to get through this Neela, I will be there every step of the way…I promise."
"Thank you Abby…" I respond before hanging up and gathering some things around the room, dressing properly.
After I had all I needed, I left my room, contemplating telling Ray where I was going, but deciding against it. He didn't want to see my face let alone hear my voice right now…I decide to leave him a note, just so if he still could, he wouldn't worry about me.
Ray, I am
really sorry for what I have done, and I have gone to stay at Abby's
for a few days, give you time to clear your head. If you decide you
want me out, of the apartment and your life, I completely understand.
Just let me know…leave me a note, and I will gather my things while
you are at work… I care for you Ray, and I would really like
us to get through this, one way or another, but after what I have
done, it is best if you make that decision.
Yours,
Neela
I leave the note on the kitchen counter and leave quickly, wanting to get to Abby, to spill this tragic story, and hopefully make sense of it as well.
