"Hi, my name is Jake…I wanted to tell you—to make this message—because, if anything should happen to me or any one of my friends…someone needs to know what's going on."
"Hold up, hold up, hold up!" Rachel said, waving her hand in the air and interrupting the cast's cold reading of the pilot episode of the TV series documenting the lives of the Animorphs. "What are we watching right now?"
"Well, it's the introduction to the series." The Director answered. "All the books start off with one of the characters saying, "My name is so-and-so, here's my story. Shawn, please continue."
"I can't tell you my last name, or where I live. All you need to know is that what I'm saying is real." Shawn continued. "This is a real place, a real town. It may even be your town."
"I'm sorry," Rachel said. "But I've read through your introduction, and it seems to me that it's going to take up more time then needed. The audience should know the series well enough to know about the war. Have you ever heard the expression, 'show, don't tell?'"
"Yes, well…we felt that this introduction was the way to go." The Director snapped. "Shawn…you may continue! And, will the Animorphs please wait until after the reading to ask questions?"
So Shawn Ashmore continued his unnecessary introduction, making sure to tell the viewer's everything about the events that took place in the first book: the Animorphs' first meeting with an Andalite, the arrival of Visser Three, and the presence of the Yeerks on planet Earth. According to the script, the scene ends with Jake turning off the video camera abruptly.
"My name is Jake," Shawn Ashmore continued. "Half an hour ago, I was an ordinary kid…not anymore."
"HOLD UP!" Rachel cried out. "You're re-introducing Jake?"
"Yea, we just sat through two minutes of Shawn babbling, and now we hear more talking?" Marco asked.
((And did Shawn just say, 'half an hour ago I was an ordinary kid?)) Tobias said. He was still perched on Ax's shoulder. ((What…Jake didn't get any sleep after meeting Elfangor? Does the concept of night and day not apply to these Animorphs?))
"It says here that Jake and Marco are at the mall in this next scene," Cassie looked down at the script the Director had produced for the pilot episode. "But it says Homer is with them…Homer was never at the mall. And I doubt that any shopping center, anywhere in the world, would allow dogs to roam around freely."
"Then, it says that the dog runs out of the mall, with the Animorphs in tow." Jake recited. "And Homer is supposed to what…lead us to the construction site?"
((I'm pretty sure it had been one of us that suggested we take the short cut through the construction site.)) Tobias said.
"Yes, well…you can't expect us to follow the books right to the letter." The Director explained. "We wanted to take a…creative approach. Sure, it may sound odd that a dog is running around the mall…"
"Very odd." Rachel interrupted.
"…but it allows for originality; that way, we aren't simply copying the direction and dialogue of the books."
"Doesn't Jake invite bird-boy to walk home with us?" Marco asked, completely ignoring what the Director had just said.
"And why does Elfangor bring out the blue box?" Rachel demanded. "I remember Elfangor asking Jake to go into the ship to get it."
"Again, we wanted to make some changes to the dialogue, to avoid copying Mrs. Applegate's original work."
"But you made sure to add, Jake, take off your shirt?" Marco asked.
((What's with this disk?)) Tobias asked. ((Elfangor never gave me a disk.))
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves an incorrect and improbable plot device!" Marco cried.
((I believe that this disc is supposed to be Elfangor's hirac deltest; his final statement.)) Ax reasoned. ((Am I correct, Mr. Director?))
"Sure…let's go with that." The Director nodded.
((But that doesn't make sense.)) Tobias complained. ((The hirac deltest was briefly mentioned in the Andalite Chronicles, and even then, none of us had ever seen it.))
"Cassie never tripped on a piece of random rope…did she?" Marco asked.
"I never acquired Homer at the construction site," Jake added.
"Why are we at school in the next scene?" Rachel asked. "Jake said it was a Friday night spent at the mall in the first book."
((Prince Jake, why are there so many inconsistencies in this script?)) Ax asked.
"I haven't a clue, Ax." Jake answered. "And don't call me Prince."
((Hey, Mr. Director, did you make sure to put that into the script?)) Tobias asked.
"It says here that this episode is broken into two parts…" Jake said. "Why not just make the episode an hour long?"
"He introduces himself again!" Rachel groaned. "Right here, it says "My name is Jake."
"Apparently, Jake spends a lot of time walking around the neighbourhood." Marco said. "It says here that Jake walks around the streets of his neighbourhood, eyeing possible controllers…I'm pretty sure that we've already seen this is part one."
((My first morph wasn't a hawk.))
"When did Tobias go AWOL?"
"How did the Yeerks find out about the existence of the disc?" Cassie asked. "I mean, we are supposed to have seen in, but the Yeerks arrived afterwards; they wouldn't have seen it."
"We didn't paint the horse blue until much later."
"Are we going to see any cool animals in this show?" Marco demanded. "So far we've seen a hawk, a rat, a horse, a cat, and a dog…who are your animal trainers, that old couple in that painting of the farmer and his wife?"
"Actually, in one of the episodes, we bring in a lion."
"None of us have a lion morph." Jake replied.
((I did…you know, before I was trapped as a rat!)) David said.
"Well, you're not in the series!" the Director snapped.
((Yes, and that was your first mistake.))
"JAKE INTRODUCES HIMSELF AGAIN!" Rachel shouted. "That's four times in total; twice in part one, and twice more in part two!"
"The audience will need reminding." Marco explained. "The rate this show is going, they'll be tuning in and out every so often."
"You know what," the Director snarled. "I think we're done for the day. Please, sign on the dotted line and we'll continue filming the pilot."
"Oh no, Mr. Director." Rachel said. "You are going to sit here and listen to everything that's wrong with your show."
In fact, let's list all of the inconsistencies in part one and two of the pilot episode:
Jake claims that he met Elfangor thirty-minutes before, on a school day no less.
Homer is present at the arcade…stupid
Tobias does not follow the group to the construction site…
Animorphs chase the dog to the construction site…
Elfangor's ship crashes into a power line, rather than landing at the construction site intentionally…
Cassie or Rachel (does it matter who, in this show?) shout out, "He's hurt, he needs help" without knowing I) who or what is inside the ship, and II) if the pilot of the ship is even male…
Elfangor walks out of the ship with the blue box in his hand…
Elfangor throws a strange disc that may or may not be his hirac deltest
Visser Three introduces himself to Elfangor, and boasts about stealing an Andalite body, despite Elfangor having met Visser Three years before….STUPID!
Cassie never fell down…
Jake does not acquire and morph Homer at the construction site…
Jake is not the first member of the group to morph, Tobias was…
The Yeerks do not have identifiers whilst in their host bodies; example: Chapman and the nervous twitch at the construction site…
The night after the incident was a Saturday in the canon series, but a school day in this mess of a television series…
The discussion taking place at Cassie's barn is shown in the cafeteria…where OTHER PEOPLE CAN HEAR THEM!
The police arrive at Cassie's barn to discuss "children messing around with fireworks", and that is how the group comes to the realization that they cannot trust anyone…
Jake says, "My name is Jake…" four times in parts one and two of the pilot…
Tobias is the one who explains how morphing/thought speech works; as he was the FIRST member of the group to morph…not Cassie…
Rachel does not acquire a cat until episode two, the Visitor…
The Animorphs are visibly disturbed by Cassie demorphing…but she's an estreen, and reputed to making morphing look like "an art form…"
Tobias' first morph is not the red-tailed hawk, but his cat, Dude…
Tobias never had issues with morphing...
Jake is way too excepting of his role as leader…
Marco's father's name is NOT Jeremy…look up the second episode. Right before the Animorphs go back to the construction site to retrieve the non-existent disc, Jake goes to Marco's apartment and says, "Hi Jeremy…"
The first mission is the infiltration of a Sharing meeting…unless I'm mistaken. Instead, they go on a mission to retrieve the disc.
I'm not sure about this one, but I don't think the Animorphs try to pass off a horse as an Andalite…at least, not in the Invasion…
The Animorphs CANNOT morph clothing…
There you have it…twenty-seven inconsistencies in the first two episodes…Though, "My Name is Jake" technically counts as one episode, since it was, in fact, the pilot episode.
"There is no excuse," Rachel said, shaking her head. "The show had enough books to work off of…why you people chose to add and cut information is beyond any of us…"
"I don't think this is for us…sorry Mr. Director." Jake said.
"No, please!" the Director cried. His eyes welled up into tears, and a grown man dropped to his knees. "I have a family to support…I can't let them down again…I can't tell my family that I've produced another terrible show!"
"Wait…you've produced other shows?" Marco asked.
"I originally produced, wrote and directed the Goosebumps series…" the Director admitted.
"You were a part of that?"
((That explains all of the inconsistencies.)) Tobias said. ((I doubt if this man has ever read a book in his life.))
"Please, please," the Director begged. "I need this show to be successful…do you know how it feels when you watch your daughter's first grade production of the First Thanksgiving, knowing full well that it was better than anything you have ever produced?"
"I'm really sorry…but…" Jake stammered. "I can't allow this…mess to see the light of day."
The Director turned to Cassie. "Cassie, you know what I'm talking about," the Director pleaded. "You know how hard it is to let your family down!"
"Guys…I'm sure that the finished product won't be too bad…" Cassie looked at her friends. "I mean…look at him; he's a desperate man."
"Cassie, you've read the script." Marco said.
"I know it's…off, but still…we have to give him a chance."
((Do you recall what happened the last time you gave someone a chance?)) David asked. ((One word Cassie: me!))
"We don't need another David." Rachel agreed.
"Jake, come on," Cassie said, looking at the mess of a man crying before her. "Give him a chance…"
Believe it or not, this had been the most difficult decision that Jake has ever had to make; and Jake has had to make a few tough calls before. Only this time, Jake would be deciding the fate of a man's pride. And Jake chanced a look at this man; a full grown adult, weeping at the feet of a group of sixteen year olds. And that story about his daughter's play…Jake could imagine the humiliation that the Director must have felt…And Jake had watched a few episodes of the Goosebumps series…
"Alright, Mr. Director," Jake sighed. "You have one season."
"You will not regret this," the Director beamed, shaking Jake's hand like a madman. "I promise you all; the show will be a hit. In fact, I think that this series will be a cult hit."
…Happy Thanksgiving, readers…
Oh, and if I missed any other inconsistencies, feel free to add more in the reviews.
