January 30, 2007
The Dark Lord's Letter
Dear Potter,
I—The Dark Lord Voldemort, soon to be Master of the world—would like to impose on you some simple facts of life that you may or may not have already known. I am going to murder you. That is fact number one. If you have a problem with this, please contact me by owl and perhaps we could talk it out…Wait, no! We can't talk it out because I am going to kill you one way or the other! Ha! Too bad, you would have made a great edition to my Death Eaters; however we may have had to make you taller. A short Death Eater just isn't scary like it used to be…
My second fact of life for you is that you are an insufferable brat. You are ignorant and just living off of pure luck and others whom are greater than you (though not greater than me). For example: The only reason you survived my first attack on you when you were just a small baby—which by the way is not a sign of weakness on my part; it is a sign of intelligence—was because of your foolish mudblood mother. Had she not been there, I wouldn't even be writing this wonderful work of art that is a letter. The only reason you survived the ordeal with the Philosopher's Stone was because the muggle loving fool showed up and my servant was a pathetic excuse for one!
With the Chamber of Secrets—yes, I heard all about this—you would have died in minutes had it not been for that bird and the hat. Again, it traces back to that Muggle loving fool you call a head master, excuse me—called a headmaster, because I killed him too, remember? It doesn't matter that Snape did the dirty work; it was still all my doing. I don't believe I did anything of sheer importance in your third year…of course you most likely still had nightmares about me to which I say "HA!"
Then the year of my return…Ah, what a year that was! I remember it so well…had it not been for luck that year; you would have never seen Hogwarts again! But, you see, I have traced back to the person responsible for your escape that time as well. If it had not been for Olivander, you know, that wand maker I captured spectacularly, you would have never escaped. Let me spell it out for your feeble little head. If you had been given a different wand, then you would be dead. Unfortunately, it is obvious that Olivander foresaw this and thought ahead.
And last year, well, that one is fairly obvious—Dumbledore is the one who made it so you would live yet again. Too bad he's dead now, so you're pretty much a corpse already. I'd give it about a week before you finally snap and just kill yourself anyway…although then I wouldn't have the pleasure of doing it myself so for the love of all that is evil (me) don't kill yourself!
Fact number three: You're short. I believe that I have already covered this area before my long and well written explanation of why exactly you're not dead as of today, but it is an important fact of life. I tower over and that makes me better than you. Heck, it makes your blood-traitor friend better than you! What is he, almost as tall as me? Perhaps I should ask him to join my ranks. Anyone that tall must be evil in some way!
Now pay attention to fact number four; you must go back to Ginny Weasley. Since you're never going to get laid, you might as well just go with the only person on this entire earth that would be willing to do it. Except for perhaps Draco Malfoy…he's always seemed a bit off, haven't you noticed? I shall have to ask him about that…
Now, my final word of advice is to put up a fight. I have discovered the joys of a Muggle video camera, and hope to make a record of our last battle. Put up a good show and I might let you live long enough for me to sell a copy of it to a film company and make millions off of it. If I buy the planet, I won't have to trouble with taking it over by force. If that happens, I would have much more time to just torture the world and reform it into my own. So I shall say it again: NO KILLING YOURSELF. It will be much better for all of us, and if you don't do it, I shall make a plush doll of you after I take over the world and sell them to people after I kill you. Anyone who buys them without buying one of me to recreate the battle will die!
I do hope that you take these facts into consideration before you die. Perhaps you should go on a vacation to Spain…I've heard that it's just beautiful this time of year.
The Dark Lord and soon to be Master of the World,
Lord Voldemort
P.S. Do you know anyone that might be interested in me? I need a queen for my new world order.
The End
