Something In Your Eyes
Spring break is over and I enter the great brick building, serving as the Panem University of Aesthetics, with butterflies in my stomach. Glancing around looking for familiar faces, I see none. Hardly surprised I quietly proceed to my locker. I really don't have a lot of friends. After I've grabbed what I need for today's first lesson I stand still for a moment, lost in thought. Thoughts of her. It's indeed a she, Peeta isn't completely wrong. And it's indeed someone at our school. Only it's just not quite...
"Good morning, Katniss!" calls an overly cheerful and oh so familiar voice, cutting off my train of thought.
My heart flutters and a wave of nervousness washes through my body. It's indeed one of my Fine Arts teachers. Fine Arts, which also happens to be my major. I manage to put a casual smile on before spinning around to face her.
"Good morning, Miss Trinket."
"Oh please, let's not be formal! It's still Effie, dear. Spring break doesn't change anything, does it?"
She's acting in her usual manner; wide never faltering smile, hands gesticulating vividly and then of course speaking with that overly cheery voice. Her outfit and makeup are as ridiculous as always. I notice her hair has changed again. As per now it's all up, forming roses dyed in different shades of pink. She's annoyingly exaggerated, well, so I used to think. But not anymore. I've found myself actually liking it, finding it cute. Finding her cute. I feel myself blushing awkwardly and avert my eyes. Spring break has changed everything.
It was a slow process, I reckon. Just like everybody else I thought she was annoying and over the top at first. Her outrageous dresses, excessive makeup and flamboyant hairstyles - more suitable for masquerades. Her facade of being tirelessly happy at all times. Inevitably, the students were mocking her. Behind her back of course, but she knew. It would never get into my head to join them though. I'm just not that person. I don't need to make fun of other people to feel good myself. Drawing and Painting, which she teaches, is also my favourite subject so naturally I aimed for top grade from day one. I wouldn't want to spoil my chances of getting a good grade by making fun of the teacher, that would've been nothing but stupid. It has never bothered me to be an outsider. I don't care much what others think. Perhaps it's the same for her. She's clearly unique.
Perhaps it was because of my artistic talent. Maybe because I refused to deride her. Somehow though, I managed to become something of a teacher's pet. I know I'm her favourite cause she often shows my work to the rest of the class, proudly exclaiming:
"This is exactly what I assigned you to do! Well done, Katniss!"
She asked early on if she could use my work as a "good example" in the other year groups as well and I gave my permission, which I later kind of regretted due to being teased by the other students for it. I decided not to say anything though, I could live with a little teasing and as of now no one seems to care anymore. Also it wasn't like they were wrong when they called me a 'teacher's pet'. I know I was. I am. She always seems genuine when praising me, which she does a lot. Her cheerfulness and beaming smile appears less fake when she's talking about me. There's something in her eyes.
I didn't give it much thought during my first semester. She was just simply there, like the rest of the teachers. I met Peeta, from the Architecture freshman class, and we became friends. By the time of Christmas we had grown pretty close and it was during Christmas break particular feelings and thoughts came to my attention. They had sneaked up on me, developing slowly so that I didn't notice right ahead. At my weekend job at one of the local cafes, Coffee & Cream, I'm usually busy with my tasks. This holiday I was also working extra at a factory, needing all the money I can get. I was lucky to receive a scholarship that covers my studies but all other costs I have to pay for myself. Living at campus is not free, even though I have a shared room and only pay for one meal a day while most others pay for two. While I should be focusing at my work however, I found myself thinking about my teacher. Effie. She is one of the tutors that doesn't live on campus and therefore doesn't visit much during holidays. To my surprise I missed her. At first I just felt silly, explaining it away with missing the adequate equipment they had at school. I wanted to believe I was just unused to the sudden lack of affirmation, Effie had surely spoiled me in that matter. If I would miss someone, shouldn't it be Peeta? He was my friend and had gone on a holiday trip with his family so we didn't see each other for most of the holiday. But it wasn't with him my mind was occupied. I couldn't like her, could I? I was in denial for a while but eventually, and reluctantly, had to admit that this was indeed the case. I did like her.
For a few days everything felt back in order again. Nothing wrong with thinking one's teacher is kind of nice, right? But when Peeta came back and we associated again all I wanted to talk about was Effie. Things she'd done, comments she'd made, even outfits she'd worn! I had to bite my tounge several times. Suddenly this liking was escalating alarmingly fast. When Peeta astonished told me about how he had seen Johanna Mason making out with a girl at a cafe the other day I finally knew for sure. In my mind I imagined myself sitting at the cafe, replacing Johanna with Effie. It felt so right, yet so very impossible. I just blurted out that I wouln't mind beeing in her shoes, which made Peeta ask who I was referring to exactly. I blushed and said "No one!" before explaining that I thought I might be bisexual due to feeling attracted to girls recently. Obviously this was the event which led to the jokes about me dating Johanna. It had nothing to do with her though. It had nothing to do with being attracted to girls either. It had all to do with me having more than friendly feelings towards my fourteen years older teacher.
Here I stand now, three months later, feeling awkward and paranoid she might read my mind. A mild buzz alerts me something is wrong before black dots starts to invade my vision. I realize I've been so tense I've forgotten to breathe for God knows how long. Gasping urgently for oxygen, I try not to pant too noticeably as I don't want any attention drawn to me. Of course actually fainting would draw far more attention but I'm pretty sure I have the situation under control.
"Are you quite alright, dear?" I hear Effie ask, with actual concern in her voice.
I'm yet not in a state able to answer. My already racing heart gets an extra boost when I feel her hand being gently placed on my upper arm. Suddenly the idea of pretending to faint in her arms is very tempting but I restrain myself. It wouldn't be right and, not to mention, unnecessarily embarrassing.
"I'm fine," I reply as soon as I trust my voice and legs.
She lets her hand linger and it feels like some sort of achievement. A quick smile eludes me and I decide to end this conversation before I make a total fool of myself. Glancing at the wall clock, looking for an excuse, I am relieved to discover it's almost time for class. Stifling my smirk I look back at Effie. "I have to go to class," I inform her, trying to give a casual impression. Her hand moves away and the usual cheery Effie is back. "Yes, mine!" she states with an enthusiastic smile. Right, that was probably not my most thought through excuse in life. Total fool already. Part of me regret deciding against the fainting idea. It would probably have been as awkward but with more benefits. Effie seems unaware of my mistake though. Sometimes I wonder if she just chooses not to see or understand certain things, cause I know she's not completely brainless in all respects. Only she choose to appear that way.
"Peeta!"
I hurry through the corridor, spotting the blonde lad ahead of me.
"Peeta, wait!"
He stops and lits up when he sees me.
"Hey, what's up?"
I nervously glance around before leaning closer so he can hear me despite all noise.
"You remember our deal, right?" I hiss anxiously.
"Yeah?" he replies, batting an eye.
I give him an expectant look when he doesn't initiate anything. Suddenly it dawns on him.
"Oh, you mean...like.. Should we kiss or something?"
I catch sight of Effie from the corner of my eye and my heart skips a beat. This is my moment. Any second now. She pitter-patters closer in her high heels and catches my eye. My wished scenario plays out perfectly in my mind but in reality I'm paralyzed. I look away and feel her gaze burn on my back.
"No. Not yet. False alarm!"
I let out a nervous laugh, feeling rather pathetic. Glancing sideways to see Effie proceed through the corridor I start to feel less uneasy though. The immediate danger is over.
"Is there anything wrong?"
I shake my head in denial.
"Not really, but I almost fainted in front of Effie..I mean Miss Trinket this morning."
I could've bitten my tongue. No one but me ever calls her Effie and I don't do it officially cause I don't want to spur people into mocking me, for being a teacher's pet, again.
"Wow, but, you're alright now?"
"Yeah, I just forgot to breathe for a while so... Nothing major."
"Well, that's odd," Peeta states with a frown.
Mentally slapping myself, I try to think of a believable explanation. Coming up blank, of course, I just shrug and hope he doesn't question me further. Conversations aren't going so well for me today.
I kind of coped with my growing feelings for Effie during the beginning of the year, settling down within the 'new me'. Valentine's Day was, not surprisingly, sadder than ever but I made it through the day with chocolate and comedies. As the snow melted away though, people started to spend more time outdoors. This included annoying couples taking cute walks in the neighbourhood. They would hold hands, sit entangled on benches and snog openly, not caring about unhappy singles like me. I couldn't stand it. Not that I begrudged them their happiness but they just reminded me too much of what I didn't have.
It wasn't until spring break things got really intense. A plan started to form in my head, I was going to find a way to find out how she really felt about me. I needed to know, else I couldn't move on. Since she treated me with favour I couldn't help thinking she might reciprocate my feelings. It was most certainly foolish, cause she was my teacher and I was a talented student. Of course she liked me. I enhanced her reputation and on top of everything I was one of the few who treated her decently. But the fact that she favoured me wasn't just a bit unfair to the other students, it was clearly unprofessional. There ought to be a valid reason behind and I am going to try one of my theories out.
Mondays Peeta and I both have the afternoons free and usually study together, today not an exception. We obviously don't take the same classes since we're in different programs but a little company doesn't hurt while analyzing da Vinci's career, for example. Today though, I don't get much work done. I'm not surprised Peeta agreed to go along with my plan, what surprises me is that he barely argued about it. He was simply the kind and faithful Peeta I've been fortunate to get to know, being an amazing friend. I am lucky to have him. Nonetheless I still haven't made any action of my ideas. It's tempting to postphone until tomorrow but then I fear I'll just keep procrastinating it. Despite my urge to know I'm terrified of the response. What if she doesn't like me back? And what if she does?! What if my plan doesn't work at all? There's too many "ifs" and they're killing me. Figuratively speaking of course. I should just get it over with.
"Earth to Katniss, I repeat, Earth to Katniss, over!" Peeta banters, speaking through an imaginary megaphone.
I give him an apologizing smile.
"Sorry, I was lost in thought."
"Yeah, I figured. Thinking about someone special?"
"Maybe..."
Peeta smiles and tackles me gently with his muscular shoulder.
"What do you think of your chances with her?"
I sigh longingly.
"I don't know, Peeta. That's what I'm gonna try to find out. It doesn't seem to be going so well though. I'm too nervous!"
I check the wall clock and estimate how much time there's left until we must go. Effie's last class for the day ends at four pm. She's not living at campus so I have to arrange this scene before she leaves.
"It's gonna be okay, Katniss. I'm gonna support you whatever happens."
"You're too good to me!" I say and give him a firm hug.
With his strong and comforting arms around me I feel the anxiousness ease off a bit.
"Are you ready for some snogging then?"
Peeta's eyes widen and I giggle at him.
"I'm just kidding, a simple kiss will be enough. I promise I'll try my best making it good but I must warn you, I'm not an experienced kisser."
"Well, me neither. We'll just keep our expectations low then," he states with a smirk. "Ready to go?"
We enter through the main entrance, passing under the big Panem University logo. We're holding hands, trying to get into character. This just has to work, or I'm going to have a mental breakdown. I look up at the wall clock, which saved me this morning, and takes a deep breath. It's four o'clock sharp.
"Let's go to the Painting Hall."
I drag Peeta with me and just when we round the last corner i see the door opening to said hall. I have his hand in a firm grip and my palms feel sweaty. The students start herding out and I pray to the God I don't believe in that Effie won't stay behind. My prayer is heard and the butterflies in my stomach do flips of excitement when I see her. She quickly locks the door and tip toes after the students in our direction.
As the first students walk by I grab Peeta and spin him around so he's facing me. From this position I can see Effie, but he can't. I decisively press my lips against his, initially closing my eyes. He kisses me back softly and when I open my eyes again, his are still closed. I steal a discreet glance at Effie. There is nothing cheery about her now, that's for sure. Ill-concealed disappointment more accurately. She catches my eye and quickly looks away, realizing I've been watching. I can see how she squares her shoulders while putting her chin up and smile on, pretending to be unperturbed. Eventually walking past us she doesn't honor me a single glance. She doesn't smile at me. She definitely does not come over to chat. I feel strangely rejected, this is so unlike her. But then of course I've never been kissing anyone practically in front of her. There's more to it than that though. I just can't comprehend it yet. But I know what I saw. She got disappointed. Now, does that make me any wiser? I think it does actually.
Author's Note: Hope you like it so far! A hint: search for the chapter titles on YouTube and listen to the top result ;)
Reviews are always appreciated.
Cheers!
