Written by Jonathan37373737

Characters copyright of their respective owners.

Chapter 2

Jonathan37373737: refers to the man walking towards them Whoa! She's hot.

CT: (raises his eyebrow)

Ksemanr: (looks at Jon and raises his eyebrow)

Jonathan37373737: Okay…I'm not like that, seriously.

As the man approached them, he gave them a nod as a courtesy and greeted the three children.

Jonathan37373737: "Children?!" Can't you see our diapers?! We're adults, you four-faced farmer who freaks out in front of fairies and digests frozen hardware during a Code Red after you fractured your skull in the 8th grade—with Samuel L. Jackson, inside my medicine. Who paid you to prophesy poetry in such a prophetic manner?

Narrator: Your wife.

Ksemanr and CT: Ooooooh!

Jonathan37373737: Your ex-wife.

Ksemanr and CT: Ooooooooooh!

Narrator: Her ex-wife.

Ksemanr and CT: …Huh?

Jonathan37373737: What?!

Narrator: Oops.

Ksemanr: (speaks to the narrator) Aw man. We could have had an ongoing dispute between you and Jon, but…you–

José: (somehow manifests into this scene and speaks to Narrator) You SUCK foo'!

Man with Briefcase: (ignores everything that just happened) Greetings to all of you. I am Cademon Hartley.

Jonathan37373737: Everybody cares. (sarcasm)

José: Jonathan, shut up already so we can get on with this story.

Jonathan37373737: "We"?! Who are "we"? Are you referring to the Nintendo Wii, or the Jews? 'Cause both of them have an unusual tendency to turn each other on…in your closet.

Ksemanr: Okay, Jon, I think that's enough for now. Let's get on with this story.

Jonathan37373737: Okay. (gets on with this story and writes more to the chapter) So what brings you here, sir?

Cademon: Your wife.

Ksemanr, CT, Narrator, and José: Ooooooooooooh!

Jonathan37373737: (plays along) What do you want with her?

Cademon: Everything.

Ksemanr, CT, Narrator, and José: Whoaaoo!

Jonathan37373737: You can't afford her; she's more than what you have to offer.

Cademon: Can she do the works?

Jonathan37373737: She can do the works and more.

Cademon: So how much is that?

Jonathan37373737: More than you can handle.

CT: I have a question.

Ksemanr, Jonathan, Narrator, Cademon, and José: What is it?

CT: (speaks to Jonathan) Are you married to your wife?

Jonathan37373737: Well uh…(giggles like a school girl) (exclaims because of the way he sounded) Hey! I eh..well…I was before I divorced her for everybody in the Jedi Council.

Cademon: So which do you prefer: your wife or everybody in the Jedi Council?

Jonathan37373737: Everybody in the Jedi Council, of course.

Ksemanr: So Jonathan, if I were to be elected to the Jedi Council tonight, would you prefer me?

Jonathan37373737: Sure I would.

Ksemanr, Jonathan, Narrator, Cademon, and José:

Jonathan37373737: No, not like that. And Ksemanr, why "tonight"?

Ksemanr: Because that's when all the clubs are open.

Jonathan37373737: OH yeah!

Cademon: But anyway, getting back to my role in this story, I am here for you all to use as a resource.

Jonathan37373737: You mean a resource for pleasure?

CT and José: Jonathan!

Jonathan37373737: Yes? (speaks to José) Hey, you're not supposed to be in this scene. (gives José a scholarship to some random university where he could get an education)

José: (takes the scholarship and leaves)

Cademon: (ahem) I am here to provide help for the three of you. I know that you all are on a journey to West Kjfsyrfidnfaooooookiey Land, and I will give you all assistance sometimes throughout this long and toilsome trail.

CT: "Long and toilsome"?

Cademon: Yes indeed. You all are on the brink of experiencing a great trial–an ordeal that can be completed by only one who has knowledge and insight on the situation at hand, and with special capabilities in combat, like an accomplished warrior.

CT: So…how are you going to help us?

Cademon: I will allow you three to borrow my map–a map that reveals an ancient route to the destination that you all are seeking.

The tall, slender gentlemen kneeled and sat his briefcase down on the warm and sandy ground of the desert.

Jonathan37373737: Hey! Maybe we'll get dessert.

Ksemanr: Hey! You got some of that from one of the episodes of the Three Stooges.

Jonathan37373737: Hey! You got some of that line from me when–

Cademon: Hey! Both of you need to shut up and listen to me.

CT: (struggles not to laugh and giggles silently)

Ksemanr: (turns and looks at his friend) Go ahead, CT, we know that you're holding back.

Jonathan37373737: Yeah, go ahead CT, we know that you have children on the way. So how much longer do you have to go through labor?

CT: …

Cademon pressed a square-shaped button on his briefcase to unlock it, and then he opened it, revealing a piece of paper that was folded into the shape of a toilet paper roll. While it was folded, the paper was about a foot long in width. The man grabbed the map and held it out in front of him towards the three companions.

Jonathan37373737: We don't wanna see your lollypop.

Cademon: Cool it! Now that's enough out of you, young man. No more of this mindless, unnecessary chatter of foolishness! It's ignorant, like YOU.

Jonathan37373737: …[What in the world does that mean?

Cademon: According to one of the definitions on the word ignorant means "lacking education or knowledge." And you lack both. You should have given that scholarship to yourself, not that José character.

Jonathan37373737: (makes a reference to Conquest of the Letters) I am not going to be the character who says, "How did he know what I was thinking?"

Cademon: (answers the question) Your wife. She told me this last night when we were making plans…long-term plans.

Ksemanr and CT: OOOH!!!

Jonathan37373737: Alright, alright; now just hand over the map already. (hastily lunges forward to snatch the map right out of Cademon's grasp)

The man jerked his arm back just in time to prevent the weird guy from taking the piece of paper. Jonathan stumbled over a few rocks after reaching for the map and was now toppling over. He landed face down, just as planned.

Jonathan37373737: (lying on the ground) (spits out sand that had gotten into his mouth) (looks up at Cademon) Hey! What's the big idea?! (quickly gets up and brushes the sand off of his clothing; that is, if he's even wearing clothes on this particular fan-fic) Hey! I always wear clothes on each of my fan-fics and on any configuration of writing that I appear on.

Ksemanr: I don't know, Jon; there was that one fan-fic where you were–

Jonathan37373737: (purposely interrupts Ksemanr) Ksemanr? What are you talking about?

Ksemanr: (finishes his statement) …portraying yourself as a model.

Jonathan37373737: (feels embarrassed) What are you saying? That fan-fic was canned, Ksemanr. Mokat gave me the keys and–

Cademon: Silence, you stripper!

CT: (gasp)

Cademon: Now listen up, you three. The heart of an individual must be tested to see whether or not there is truth in his or her desire. If you truly have a longing for the arrival that comes at the end of this arduous challenge, you must prove yourself.

Ksemanr, Jonathan, and CT: …

Cademon: You must prove to me, yourself, and each other that you all are willing to stand firm in the midst of all the coming trials that you will face.

CT: And how are we supposed to do that?

Cademon: By engaging into a confrontation with your new ally.

Boss Battle
The Galaxy's Most Wanted Cybercriminal (a.k.a. GMWC or Cademon Hartley)

Jonathan37373737: Yeah right. We're not teaming up with a cybercriminal.

Cademon: Only a vulnerable adversary uses words to camouflage his weakness or to stall for time.

Jonathan37373737: I'm not stalling for nobody's time; my wife is at home asleep, away from you.

CT: Jonathan, all three of us have to work together to defeat Mr. Hartley.

Jonathan37373737: (turns and speaks to Ksemanr and refers to CT) Oh-no. Now the kid is trying to be polite. Cademon is a bad influence.

Ksemanr: What do you expect? He's a cybercriminal. Didn't you read what you wrote when you wrote what you wrote under "Boss Battles"?

Jonathan37373737: Ksemanr, I am always aware of what I write when I write what I write and type what I type.

Ksemanr: Ok.

Jonathan37373737: Hey! You got that from–

Ignoring Jonathan, the cybercriminal levitated a few feet from the ground and hovered in the opposite direction of the three comrades.

CT: (speaks to Ksemanr and Jonathan) Well, I guess that means we have to follow him.

Jonathan3737373737: Amen.

Ksemanr: Glory hallelujah.

Jonathan, Ksemanr, and CT darted forward with a burst of speed, leaving behind a trail of dust and footprints.

The GMWC began to rotate in a circular orientation, performing 360 degree spins while waving his arms and hands back and forth, up and down, making several different gestures.

Jonathan37373737: He's trying to give us the sign language.

Ksemanr: Just keep moving.

CT: Yeah, we'll catch him.

Cademon continued this…"choreography" as a stampede of multi-colored trojan horses were configured in front of him and directed towards CT, Ksemanr, and Jonathan.

Jonathan37373737: Now he's directing the orchestra. We've got to think of something.

Ksemanr: Be evasive.

CT: And counterattack if you get the chance.

Jonathan37373737: Good idea, guys, even though that was more than one idea. I sure do wish that I was dumb; then I could come up with solutions like you two.

CT: …Okay, Jon.

Jonathan37373737: Look, I didn't mean it that way; dumb is smart and smart is dumb. You've got to believe me, folks.

Ksemanr and CT: We believe you. (sarcasm)

Jonathan37373737: D'oh!

Ksemanr: Guys, split up so we won't have the entire herd coming at all of us at the same time.

Ksemanr was in the center, and Jonathan and CT continued to run forward, but in a diagonal path. Ksemanr somersaulted over one of the enraged horses and rotated in midair so that his back would be facing the stampede when he landed. While he had been in the air, he saw another trojan that was not to far off, so he knew to execute another protective maneuver in order to keep himself from being trampled on. When his feet hit the ground, he immediately did a backward handspring while spinning on one hand so that he could face the herd of wild trojans. He used his free hand to hurl a streak of fire towards another horse who was heading towards CT. So now Ksemanr was facing the stampede again, but he was still upside down, balancing on one hand. He avoided one more horse trojan by turning right-side up while moving to the side a split second before the vicious animal had rushed passed him.

Jonathan charged directly towards a trojan who did the same, charging straight towards Jonathan. To the horse's dismay, its nose met Jonathan's fist; and the animal stopped in its tracks. Before the animal could return the favor, Jonathan spoke up and said, "Hey, did I tell you that I didn't use any deodorant this morning?" Jonathan told all of the readers of this fan-fic to look the opposite way before raising his shirt up, releasing a horrible aroma. The scent was so terrible, that the horse pleaded for God's help when it cried out and said, "Lord, have mercy!" And then it died, right on the spot, and nobody cared. (By the way, I am not in any way trying to disrespect God or diss Christianity. Remember, the horse pleaded; it did not swear or use God's name in vain, it desperately wanted God's help, that's all.)

CT leaped forward and tackled a trojan horse. Then he delivered a jab to the horse's abdomen and a head butt to the tojan's face. The boy grabbed the horse and used his mind to give him enough power and strength to lift the horse and set it on the ground to where it was standing again. CT sprung high into the air and did a double front flip and skillfully landed on the trojan's back. He closed his eyes to help himself concentrate, making a spur appear at the heel of both of his shoes. "Giddy up!" CT said while striking the horse with his spurs, and the horse sprinted forward, hooves and legs a blur.

Ksemanr saw what happened and made a comment about it.

Ksemanr: CT, this isn't the Wild Wild West.

CT: It is now. Yaaahooooooooooo! (speaks to the trojan) Giddy up!

Jonathan37373737: You guys seriously need to straighten out your phrases. This is not the Wild Wild West, it's the World Wide Web.

CT: Same thing.

Ksemanr: Ooooooooh!

Jonathan37373737: …

CT: C'mon, guys, we're almost there.

CT placed his hands on the trojan's neck and led the way, dodging oncoming trojans, steering his horse left to right and right to left. He was closing in on the cybercriminal when he saw the man raise both hands, ready to configure another virus formation to send forth, but CT wouldn't allow it. The young boy leaped off of the horse and elbowed Cademon in the forehead while aloft in the air. CT managed to land on his feet a few moments before Jonathan and Ksemanr arrived.

Ksemanr made eye contact with his new ally, opponent, or whatever and said…

Ksemanr: This is going to end right now.

Jonathan37373737: Yeah, now it's time to par-tay!

Cademon Hartley responded in a calm and serene tone of voice.

Cademon: Do not be overconfident when confronting your opponent. Instead, you must–

Jonathan37373737: Yeah, yeah, sure. Now shut up and bring it on already!

Cademon: Patience. You lack patience, my friend.

Jonathan37373737: Look, Mr., we're not friends…yet, and if it wasn't for the fact that everything posted in this forum has to be rated G or PG, I would tell you to shut the something up, replacing the "something" with something (a different word).

Cademon: …I understand.

Jonathan37373737: You better understand, or I'll make you understand with terminal velocity–my hands.

Ksemanr: Jon, what's bothering you?

Jonathan37373737: His face!

CT: Jonathan, don't say such things; you'll hurt his feelings.

Jonathan37373737: Oh, oops. (apologizes to Cademon) Sorry, bro'.

Cademon: (returns the apology with a slow and elegant nod) I accept your apology with gratitude and humility.

Jonathan37373737: Yeah, I did humiliate you for a second there, didn't I?

CT: Can we just get on with this?

Jonathan37373737: Oh yeah, that's right. (speaks to Cademon) On with the show.

Cademon: Very well, then.

Jonathan37373737: Shut up!

The battle continued as the widely known cybercriminal unzipped his pants, launching frisbees of spyware out of the opening.

Cademon: Get a load of that.

The trio evaded the crimeware disks while moving towards their adversary who was also their friend…I guess.

While running, CT slightly leaned to one side to elude an oncoming frisbee; Jonathan grabbed one of the disks and went home to install the spyware on his computer, and then he came back. With skill, precision, and accuracy, Ksemanr managed to catch one of the frisbees that were headed his way. He countered the GMWC by casting the crimeware device at him. The environment became hazy, and it seemed as though time itself had decreased in the rate of speed as the notorious computer hacker slanted backward, performing an evasive Matrix maneuver. Seconds later, the world was back to normal.

Jonathan37373737: Aw man. Now he's using cheat codes. Ksemanr, he's using cheat codes!

Ksemanr: Shut up.

Jonathan37373737: (gasp)…What?!

Ksemanr: (silly face) Just kidding.

CT: (refers to Ksemanr's attack at Cademon) Nice try, Kez.

Ksemanr: Thanks, but…

Jonathan37373737: But nothing. This is for my "wife"! (hastily charges forward at Cademon)

CT: What? Your wife or your "wife"?

Jonathan37373737: (stops running and turns around to face CT) I used quotation marks because it's been used and messed with.

Ksemanr and CT: Ooooooooooooh!

Ksemanr: Hey, CT, now he refers to his "wife" by using the word it.

CT: What a coincidence. I watched the movie last night.

Jonathan37373737: With Mary Jane.

Spider-Man: (manifests) Hey!

Jonathan37373737: Go back to your spider-web, toots.

Spider-Man: …(leaves)

Jonathan37373737: …

Ksemanr: …

CT: …

Jonathan, Ksemanr, and CT: …

In unison, the three friends made a mad dash in the direction of the cybercriminal, and they delivered swift blows and attacks to their victim. With ease, Cademon blocked, eluded, and countered all three of them: First, Jonathan took one of the 3's out of his username and attempted to remodel Cademon's face. The man caught the number just in the nick of time and forcefully jerked it out of Jonathan's grasp. He now used it to avert an assault from Ksemanr who had done a perfectly executed roundhouse kick, but this move was ineffective when the Galaxy's Most Wanted Cybercriminal parried the onset. Now Cademon was going to use the 3 to ward off CT. The boy ducked when the hacker swung at him. CT counterattacked by sending forth a powerful kick to the legs of his opponent who cleverly avoided this move when he did a half-flip. So instead of turning right-side up, the GMWC remained upside down as he performed a Chinese split kick. Ksemanr's and Jonathan's face were met with "terminal velocity"–each of them were struck by the heel of one of Cademon's dress shoes. They stumbled back from the impact of such a powerful counterstrike.

Jonathan placed one hand over his mouth, and then he looked at the palm of his hand, only to find blood.

Jonathan37373737: Hey, does anyone want any ketchup? It's free. You won't even have to go to the grocery store this time; I promise. (gets violently kicked in the head by Cademon) Cool! But shouldn't I be unconscious right now?

Narrator: Yes, Jonathan! You are unconscious.

Jonathan37373737: Okay, but which ok should I use: okay or ok?

Everybody (except Jonathan): It doesn't matter.

Jonathan37373737: Ok. (falls over unconscious) Hey look, everybody, I'm unconscious.

Cademon: And nobody cares.

Spider-Man and José: OOOOH!!! OWNED!!1!111

Ksemanr and CT: …

The weird guy had been knocked out severely, although he tried to pretend otherwise. So now it was up to Ksemanr and CT to "amp it up."

Jonathan37: (emerges from a transparent crapper) Hey! You got that from the Action Man video gam–(disappears for I don't know reasons)

Ksemanr extended one arm out to the side, and a huge, pitch black sword appeared in his grasp. The blade of the weapon was slightly curved and twisted; and in the center of the blade, there were two holes whose shape was similar to the configuration of a triangle. Despite the darkness of the sword's color, the blade glistened and reflected the rays from the sun for reasons that are only apparent to Ksemanr himself.

CT gave his friend a look that implied, "Are you really going to use that?" Ksemanr nodded at CT in response to the facial expression. He saw what happened to Jonathan and was now about to "take matters into his own hands."

Without giving the two comrades an opportunity to strike, Cademon unbuttoned the jacket of his suit in order to release a group of brown boxes that contained junk mail and spam.

At first, CT ran forward and was planning to dodge the oncoming projectiles, but his fast pace came to a quick, abrupt stop when he was overtaken by a thrill of amazement. He stood his ground as he stared at Ksemanr who was now wielding his sword in an exhilarating flourish; it was literally impossible to keep up with the movement of his blade. Ksemanr was deflecting, blocking, and batting away the junk mail, spam, and boxes. He twisted and twirled his weapon in one hand while swinging it in a diagonal pattern from left to right, truncating and slicing boxes in half. But the action did not stop here; Ksemanr vaulted high above the ground and engaged himself in midair combat. With speed and agility, he rotated and spun on his vertical axis while swinging his sword behind his back and grabbing it with his free hand as he delivered swift strikes to the projectiles.

To Cademon's shocking surprise, Ksemanr landed directly in front of him and sent an emphatic kick to his chin. Ksemanr wasn't fazed when his enemy did not stumble back. He continued to stay on the offensive, swinging his weapon in all possible directions with exceptional skill and quickness. Cademon quickly sidestepped away from the first assault, and then he moved back to the opposite side by doing a cartwheel without using his hands for support (his arms were at his side), avoiding another onset. He eluded the next attack when he sprung up high and tilted over while rapidly spinning sideways, just as Ksemanr had done earlier. The GMWC landed in a kneeling position, only to find the edge of Ksemanr's blade pointing directly at his neck. For a moment, the two warriors just stared at each other; then the cybercriminal broke the silence.

Cademon: You have done well, young one.

Ksemanr did not respond. He wanted to make sure that Cademon would not play a trick on him, so he kept his sword in place.

What is Ksemanr doing? CT thought to himself. Has he gone mad?

Cademon: The three of you have proven yourselves worthy to take part in this journey.

After hearing these words, Ksemanr decided that it was okay to let go of his weapon, and that is exactly what he did: seconds later, his sword was nowhere in sight, and he opened his fist so that he could help Cademon to get off of the ground. Cademon grabbed his hand, stood up, and brushed the dirt and sand off of his suit.

Ksemanr: For a second there, I thought you were stripping.

Cademon: Only some of my combat moves require me to take off my clothing; however, none of them may actually be done in this fan-fic because of the G/PG policy. (smiles) For a second there, I thought that you had went insane, wielding your sword like that. I was beginning to wonder if you were actually going to drive your blade through me.

Jonathan37373737: (somehow reaches a state of consciousness) Ksemanr only uses murder as a last resort. (gets up off of the ground)

Ksemanr: ...Whatever.

CT: (runs over to Ksemanr) Ksemanr, you were awesome! Where did you learn how to handle a sword like that? Who taught you?

Jonathan37373737: (speaks to Ksemanr) And don't say "your wife."

Ksemanr: My wife? I was gonna say your wife. She taught me a lot last night.

Cademon, Ksemanr, and CT: Oooooooooooooh!

Jonathan37373737: …

Cademon: Come now, and let us take the time to view this map that I have. (somehow pulls the map out of nowhere)

To be continued. Stay tuned for more adventures with Ksemanr, Jonathan, and CT.