Just before Clarke walks around the corner, her head turns towards Lexa's direction and her smile appears on her face again. Lexa manages to pull up the corners of her mouth as well and smiles back at her, a little stiff in comparement to Clarke, but it's not nothing. Clarke dissapears around the corner, with her struggling, miauwing cat still in her arms. Her eyes stay fixated on the same spot for a moment, until a sudden movement in the corner of her eyes catches her attention. Immediately, Lexa lets her eyes roll in her eye sockets once she sees a huge smile displayed on Anya's face. Her friend casually leans against the frame of the door that leads to the stairs and wiggles with her eyebrows.
"Shof of, Anya," Lexa bites at her, in Trigedasleng. It is supposed to be warning, but her smile betrays she doesn't mean it like that. Anya notices the hint and chuckles. And even if Lexa would mean it, she would never ever shut up at her command.
With a little nonchalance, Anya straightens her back and pulls her eyebrows up in a questioning look. Lexa sighs and she shakes her head a couple of times. She knows what Anya wants to know, and she won't give her that pleasure so easily. Anya looks at her and Lexa doesn't look away, even though her gaze is full of questions. She keeps a straight face, not letting her facade down.
Lexa beckons her best friend and Anya steps foreward. She has never needed an invitation to come in, they are best friends. Yet, at every visit, she waits paitentely until Lexa let her come in. After all this time, she still doesn't know why Anya behaves like that. They've been friends for years, best friends even. And before that Anya has been her mentor, her guider. They know eachother more than anyone else. And yet, this behaviour is still unfamiliar and weird to Lexa. But it doesn't really matter, does it?
Lexa turns around and walks back to the living room. She suits herself on the white sofa and place one leg over the other. Anya closes the door as she steps into the apartment, although she immediately walks towards the kitchen to get them some drinks before walking towards the living room herself. To Lexa's surprise, Anya returns with two wine glasses and a fancy bottle of Gallo. This time it's her turn to raise her eyebrows questionable at Anya's choice of beverage. It usually is water or a diet coke, rarely wine. Lexa can't help but to eye her suspiciously.
"Is there an occasion? A holiday I forgot?" she asks her. Anya sits down next to Lexa and pours the red liquid into both of the glasses with a steady hand. She hands one to her and she takes a little sip.
"Nothing special," Anya murmers. She smiles pleasantly at her and Lexa immediately senses there's something wrong. Anya's huge smile, her great mood and the fact that she tries to make her relax by persuading her to drink alcohol is way to suspicious to happen by accident at the same time. No, she knows this behaviour. Anya either needs money or something else or is going to ask about Clarke. And usual, she's quite right.
Anya puts her glass down and takes her brown leather jacket off, tossing it over an armchair. She crosses her legs as well and lets her elbow rest on the bank handrail. Her mouth curls up into a smile that betrays she's up to something. And Lexa is probably not going to like it.
"So," Anya starts, as she takes another sip of her red wine. ! Oh no, here we go... ! "- who was that girl you just talked to? That blonde princess."
Of course. Clarke.
A sigh escapes Lexa's mouth again. Maybe it really is better to get a little alcohol into her system before they start this conversation. She picks up the glass and takes a big sip, which makes Anya's eyes widen in surprise, before answering the question.
"A newbie that just moved into the apartment two levels up," Lexa says, with a straight expression. Anya rises her right eyebrow and pouts her lips slightly as she thinks.
"She seems cute."
Lexa squints her eyes at her and has to suppress the urge to growl. This talk is taking a direction she doesn't want. If she's going to keep asking about Clarke, she sure as hell is going to start about her love life... Again...
Lately, Anya has discovered a new sort of sport: try-to-get-Lexa-a-girlfriend-ASAP. And she's quite bad at it because it never works. Anya has stalked every single woman Lexa has talked to or has only even glanced at while walking down the street. She can't even order food at a restaurant without Anya giving her the girlfriend-talk. Literally at every nice girl that walks by, Anya is the one staring at her back after she passed us and silently fangirls about how good Lexa and that strange girl would look together. She means well but Lexa is getting SO tired of it. And after all this time, she must know now that love at first sight isn't Lexa's thing, right? Though, Anya never seems to mind and just continues.
"Don't even bother," Lexa warns her. "It's not going to happen."
"Why not?" Anya sighs and pounts her lips. With a little nudge of her head, she takes care of a loose strand of hair that has been dangling in front of her face the entire time, which reveals her dissapointed glare. That gaze is also part of her plan. Because everytime Lexa refuses, she looks at her like a lost little puppy, trying to make me pity her. Like I could ever see Anya as a lost puppy when I know whas she damage she can do to her opponent. She'll literally rip your throat out with her teeth if you don't want your ass.
"We've talked about this," Lexa says, not in the mood for a conversation like this. Now she gets why she wanted her to loosen up a little bit. She either wants me to open up or agree on her plan to match me with Clarke or basically every other person that's intrested. Anya would just go up to Clarke's front door and ask her out in my place if I agreed on it. Not that that's ever going to happen.
"Yes, okey, we have talked about this," she admits. "But I want to open the subject again. It's time, Lexa. It's been three years since-"
"Since what," I suddenly snarl. Anya looks me dead in the eye for a few moments, considering her options whether to continue talking or drop the subject. Lexa stares back, angry because she almost brought up her name.
After a few seconds, Anya looks down to her shoes and sighs.
"It's been three years since Costia, Lexa," she continues, softer and more careful this time, less straight to the point. More like a real friend that generally cares about her loss. She forms a fist with her hand and clenches her jaw.
"So what?" I answer snippy.
Anya puts her wine glass down so she can place her hand on Lexa's shoulder. She still refuses to look at her friend, angry that she brought up Costia. That's so low. It's really so low. It just isn't fair and Anya knows it.
"Lexa, it's time to move on from her," she says, almost in a whisper.
"I already am, Anya. You know I am," Lexa replies, as she tries to swallow back her emotions. She can't start crying. Like Anya said, it's been three years. She should've been over Costia a long time ago. She should have been...
Anya softly shakes her head, with a whisp of a smile on her face.
"You're strong, Lexa. And you could've moved on the second we found her, I know you could've. Because-"
"Yes, because love is a weakness, I know," Lexa growls. "I know because you've told me what? About a hundred times? More?"
"I did," Anya confesses. "But you haven't moved on. Why is that?"
When Lexa doesn't answer, Anya sighs. She rubs the back of her neck with her hand and thinks for a second.
"I've seen your strength Lexa, and I'm still sorry about Costia, you know that, but your pain has lasted long enough. It's time," she says.
Lexa looks down and remembers the night when she found out about her lover's death.
It had been late at night, she had been exhausted. That afternoon, Costia's mother had ringed her up. Oblivious to the serious tone of her girlfriend's mother, Lexa had asked if there was something wrong, not knowing what happened. It had been silent for a few moments, but then Costia's mum burst out in tears, explaining what happened. That afternoon, Costia had been hit by a truck. People who found her called the cops, but as soon as the ambulance arrived at the hospital, the docters stated that there was nothing to be done. Her skull was bashed in and it had ended her life, luckily painless. Lexa had been quiet for a while until Costia's mother eventually hung up the phone. Lexa had wanted to say something. She wanted to reassure her, to tell her that everything was gonna be alright. But how do you assure a mother who just lost her child that things were gonna be okey again? They wouldn't become okey, they would never be okey anymore. Because that woman just lost her only child, she would never get her back. Her father would never get Costia back. Her mother would never get Costia back. And neither would Lexa.
For the first half hour, Lexa was numb. It was like her mind was somewhere different than her body was. Like she was somewhere high up the sky, looking down, unable to feel any regret or sorry because she simply didn't know the people who sufferent down there. But then the realisation had hit her and she was ripped apart.
The very same evening Anya came over. It was like she sensed something had been wrong, because without a word, she sat down next to Lexa. She didn't wrap her arms around her, neither spoke or reassured her. She just was there and that company was enough. Lexa had let her face rest on Anya's lap and cried. Lexa might've never cried as much in her life when she did then. Her whole body had ached. Her muscles were sore from clenching. And her heart... Lexa never felt something so horrible. It had felt like somebody stabbed her repeatedly in the chest, at every sob again. But she didn't bleed to death, which made the pain worse and worse.
Eventually, deep at night, it faded. The cries slowly became less and less loud and painful. Slowly, she was crying in silence. Despite that there were still tears running over her cheeks, her the painstabs became less painfull and came less often. After hours and hours of crying her body was too tired to go on, it needed rest. Anya was still there, saying nothing until Lexa was ready to talk herself and explain what happened. Anya had looked into her eyes when she was done and petted her head for a second or two, then spoke the same words she has just said:
"I'm sorry about Costia, Lexa," Anya had said. "I've seen your strength. You will get over the pain."
The words had stayed with Lexa for quite a long time. She remembered them when she visited Costia's parents. She remembered them attending her funeral. She remembered them while she spoke on her funeral, since her parents wanted her to say something. The whole speech had felt unreal and emotionless. Her head had been cloudy and she had barely even noticed what she was talking about. It felt like somebody else had taken her body over at that moment, because the real Lexa, the mourning Lexa, was buried somewhere deep in her chest, like a beast. She was released every time she came home, but around other people, it was dragged to its cage again and locked until she was alone again.
Anya had once mentioned that Lexa had never been the same after her death. Lexa hadn't minded, everybody changed, right? But she knew that the Lexa before Costia's death would've minded. It made her wonder if she really had changed so much. At that point in her life, she decided she simply didn't care anymore.
Still, whenever somebody mentions Costia's name, Lexa's heart clenches, like it remembers the stabs from that one night and all that nights that came after. It was Lexa's least favorite subject and she currently despides Anya for bringing it up again. No way that she was gonna let that happen to someone else, and to herself, again after Costia. No freaking way.
Lexa snaps back into reality when Anya hands her her glass of wine. She takes it, but doesn't take a sip. The empty, fuzzy kind of feeling that entered her body has luckily faded. Usually she wouldn't mind, but now Anya has adressed a serious subject that is her love life, she rather stays sober.
"I don't want to, Anya," Lexa simply says, without looking at her best friend. Anya raises her eyebrows questioningly.
"Why not?" she asks. "Are you afraid? Because what happened to Costia wasn't-"
"I don't want to talk about Costia," snaps Lexa back. "Just drop it already."
The brunette jerks her head up and points her chin into the air. Anya's brown eyes squint a bit. Lexa looks back. She has learned a long time ago that when you turn your eyes to the ground, you've lost the battle already. Especially if Anya's involved. She has to stay strong, and so she does. Without flinching the girls eye eachother for a few seconds. Eventually, Anya's eyes relax and she smiles; the eye-fight is over.
"Okey, what if we make a deal?" Anya offers, her voice soft and gentle. It's been only a few times I've heard her talk so quietly, so careful. It immediately raises awareness that I should carefully think of my answer on her deal. Still, she nods towards the blonde. Anya pulls up the right corner of her mouth a slightest bit into a lopsided smirk, which looks almost smug, and then puts her glass down.
"What if you go up to Clarke and-"
An irritated sigh escapes Lexa's mouth before Anya can even finish her sentence.
"No, no wait, hear me out," she says quickly. Lexa takes a deep gulp of air and lets it slowly escape through her nose before nodding. Anya smiles. "So, you go up to Clarke and really try to become friends. Because seriously, Lexa, it isn't healthy to stay hidden inside for so long. And because you won't open up to me, you might as well do it to her, yeah?"
Lexa rolls her eyes and shakes her head. To be honest, Clarke looked not really comfertable. Not afraid, a bit intrested, but defenitely uncomfertable. The intimidated, frightened looks people gave her always amuse Lexa, even though it is her intention to scare the crap out of them.
She doesn't remember why and when anymore, but at a certain age she became so pissed at basically everybody. Every time people, mostly male strangers, would just get up to her, touch her butt, wink or give her longing looks that made her cheeks colour tomato red. She was still little, back then, just a teen. Teens don't know what to do if a grown man walks over to them and persuades you to save his number in your phone so you could call him sometime. Back then, Lexa was still vulnerable.
Until one evening when she laid in bed. Random thoughts had been running through her mind, mostly memories from that day or the days before. She was thinking about that guy, the one who wanted her to have his number. Back then her body had been numb, she had been paralyzed with shock. But now she actually had time to think, she noticed how angry she was at the guy for just harassing her right on the street, visable for other people. What desperate, lonely man would target a 16-year-old? The more the thought about it, the angrier the got, which eventually led her to making a crucial decision. Lexa would never let another man touch her without her permission. She would never let someone talk to her without her approval. Never would she agree to something or someone because they're bigger or stronger.
From that day on, Lexa took care of herself. She immediately started her selfdefense classes and signed up for karate lessons. YouTube videos have been very handy to get along with her katana, which wasn't only a decoration but something to defend herself if she had to. She started to work on her body, going more often to the sportscenter to work out, especially on her muscles. Also every morning a run of at least a quarter to wake her up and keep her fit and healthy.
In a few months time, she had become an experienced fighter, ready to take every dirty man down that even looked at her the wrong way. She wasn't the vulnerable girl anymore. Well, at least less than she was a while ago. Slowly, Lexa had transformed herself into almost another human being. The soft layer of sweetness was gone and was replaced by a hard shell of titanium which was almost unbreakable. The smile that had usually laid on her lips was gone most of the time. Her face now usually showed an emotionless expression, although there was a hint of arrogance in her gaze whenever she laid it on people. Lexa wasn't an arrogant girl, not at all, but arrogance kept other people away from her, so it had became her most used look. Mostly at men, though. She wasn't afraid of women, she actually cherised them. Because even at the age of 16, she had known that ladies had a soft spot in her heart. Men, on the other hand, didn't, so they were kept at an as far as possible distance until they had proven theirselves worthy of her time and her smile.
Back then, Lexa wasn't as closed as she was now. She was still able and willing to give people a chance to win her heart. That's basically how she ended up with Costia. But after her death, everything got worse. The friends who she confided in because just... people. They were her friends and she still had fun with them, of course, but big secrets were kept secret. And she basically didn't even have any secrets anymore. After Costia her life just became dull. Lexa went to college, did her homework, worked, went to the gym and then went to bed, every day again. Anya of course had known that there was something wrong, but she never pushed it, which Lexa was grateful for. Indra and Gustus neither had, but she was never as close with them as she was with Anya.
At that moment her motives uncounsiously changed slightly. It was like her hard shell, her little wall, was strengthened to keep everyone out. Including her friends, including Anya. She was angry. At everyone, all the time. It felt like the angriness never left her body and could never leave. After a while it changed again and the angriness turned into emotionless. The look that has been in her eyes for about a year has become reality now, infiltrating her body like toxic. She didn't feel anymore. It was like everything was shut down and her body went on automatic mode, doing stuff without thinking or feeling. It was peaceful, yes it was, but terribly boring. It kept people at a distance. Because even if she wanted to share her feelings, she just couldn't.
And neither could she now. She just couldn't explain to Anya what it was like to move on. To make a choice and really move on from the girl she has loved for two years.
Lexa snaps back into reality when Anya clears her throat. Her friend eyes her a bit suspiciously, trying to figure out what was going on with the other girl, but after a second or two, she shakes her head. Anya sighs and stays quiet for a moment. For a second Lexa wanted to tell Anya. About everything, literally everything that has been going on these past few years. She wanted Anya to look through her facade. But on the other side, she has to remind herself that this is what she wanted. She didn't want anybody to ever fool around with her emotions again, she wanted to hide them and conceal them for special people. Her facade is working perfectly, so why break it while there is no necessarity to?
Lexa raises an eyebrow questioningly, doubting what to say, not sure what to choose. She has to answer something.
She doesn't feel the need to become friends with Clarke, not really. Of course Anya's right though. Two years alone is long with just Anya as her friend. Indra and Gustus are friends as well, but Gustus is more like an uncle and she's not even that close with Indra. She barely speaks with them. One of the reasons is because they live quite far away. Clarke only a minute. And there was some little spark though. Clarke was the first person to look genuinely intrested in her even though they just met and even though the rumours she has probably heard. Clarke is the first one to not immediately label her as scary and intimidating. It felt good to be treated good. Maybe Anya's right... But then again, she first needed to know what the other part of the deal was before she could either agree or disagree.
"What's in it for me?" Lexa asks, lowering her eyebrow again.
"I'll leave you alone," Anya answers.
This sets Lexa a bit off, not sure what to think of it. She'll leave her alone? Will Anya leave? The thought of her lifelong friend leaving her placed fear in her body. Anya must've noticed the sudden change of air, because she places her hand reassuring on Lexa's.
"I'll leave your sex life alone," her friend grins. "Don't worry, how can I leave you?"
"Oh, shut up, Anya," Lexa sighs, eye-rolling. Anya chuckles and bends back, taking her glass in her hand again.
"So what's it gonna be?"she asks, not bothered by the small insult.
It takes Lexa a few moments to answer the question, rerunning through all the options again. If she says no, Anya will be on her back for quite a while until she finds new friends or a girlfriend on her own. If she says yes, Anya might become even more annoying than before because she'll want a constant update on how stuff are going between her and Clarke. But then again, Clarke seems like a good candidate for a new friend. Not as closen off as her current friends are. Probably bubbly enough to make her laugh, but she's not loud enough to piss her off with the constental laughter. And she has shown interest in the girl as well. Clarke would do.
Lexa eventually takes a big gulp of wine and waits for her throat to stop burning before she answers.
"Okey, then. We've got a deal."
