Chapter 2 : Last Summer


"Eeeh? What—", Makoto blinks again and again, can't really believe his eyes.

"Just ignore them.", Haru said, fishing for his entry card from his pocket.

No matter how much Makoto wants to, it's not that easy to ignore an army of mannequins in colorful, frilly, racy lingerie. Of all the possibilities in the world, Nanase Haruka living in front of a racy lingerie shop never ever once crossed his mind.

"How in the world your parents chose this place for you!?", he asked Haru, heat creeping up his cheeks and ears.

"It's closed when they're here checking out the place."

'Opening Hours 5pm – 7am' it said on the glass door.

And how in the world this doesn't bother him at all?

Haru opens the gate and together, they climb the grey concrete ladder in silence.

They arrived in front of Haru's flat about 10 minutes from the crossing. It's a 3 storeys apartment building with light grey brick walls, located in one of narrow and cramped alley in Udagawacho. On their way back earlier, they walked past dozens of little shops; wearable art clothing, cafes, game centre, ramen shop, pizzerias, pottery shop, and even a feather shop. You can find anything in this area, and it's only 15 minutes walk from Haru's college, which is why Haru's parent insist to rent it for him in the first place.

Other boys their age would probably psyched to live there, it's a very lively and vibrant neighborhood after all, the kind that won't leave you bored with nothing to do or see, but for Haru, Makoto just can't find himself to completely in peace with the idea. It just seem so strange and out of place for Haru to be there. All the hustle and bustle feels too much, even for Makoto.

They arrived on the third floor, where Haru's place is. Haru opened the door and just waltz in, leaving Makoto to close the door. He just naturally let him in, no words needed. 'Well, at least he's locking the door now.' he watched Haru took off his shoes and turn the light on for them.

"Ojama-shimasu..." Makoto said out of habit to no one in particular, took off his shoes too and looked around.

He's standing on the small, enclosed corridor leading to the bathroom to the front, and another door to the living room to his right. He found heaps of unopened boxes with labels on them, stacked neatly right beside the door.

"You haven't finished unpacking, Haru?"

"Don't need them.", Haru answered him from behind the living room door.

He can't help but chuckle a bit, remembering how he got those boxes in the first place. Makoto's mom has been helping them with moving, and as soon as she found out that Haru only took two boxes with him; kitchen stuff on one box, clothes and jammers on the other, she scolded him affectionately and start packing all of them for him. 'You shouldn't buy what you can bring for free!'. She had said.

This place is pretty spacious, four hundred square feet with one bedroom, separate restroom and bathroom (with bath tub, of course), a living room, balcony and an open kitchen. When Makoto enters the door to his right, the first thing he saw was Haru putting on his blue apron.

"Why you're putting that on? It's 11, Haru!"

Haru just stared at him indifferently like always. "Makoto. You had dinner yet?"

The low grumbling of his stomach does nothing to hide Makoto's embarrassment.

"Not yet.. I was busy packing and just kind of collapsed on the bed.", he grinned sheepishly, taking a seat at Haru's dinner table, watching his best friend cooking in silence. Even with all those ready to eat restaurant nearby, Haru still prefers to cook by himself. 'That's just so Haru.' Makoto thought, smiling to himself.

"Haru, should we try that ramen shop outside sometime? It looks pretty good."

"... no. It's too much trouble."

Ah... must be too crowded. Makoto thought.

Haru left the window beside the dining table open, and Makoto spaced out, staring to the building and night lights outside. He can hear the dim honks of car faraway, and the typical sound of a city. It's amazing how different it is; what a different place he and Haru is in, right now.

"It's surprisingly quiet at night, isn't it?', Makoto said, and Haru hummed in agreement.

This feels so familiar... he's sitting on Haru's table, enjoying the night air, losing in his own thoughts. Everything else feels new and unfamiliar, but right here, seeing Haru wearing his usual dolphin apron and the fragrance of grilled saba filling the living room, he feels warm and at home. Silently, Makoto is thankful inside for this moment can still exist, and he feels so at peace he let out a smile, followed by a strange, little ache in his chest that he relates with Haru right away. He never knew that happiness can hurt, too.

Haru cook a sweet soy grilled Saba for him, different from his usual traditional Saba Shioyaki. This one is Makoto's favorite, and he can feel his heart swell a little.

"Thank you, Haru! It's my favorite." He said with his usual smile, despite the strange, nagging feeling he tried to ignore.

They started to eat and the silence breaks as Makoto speaks.

"Haru, we're both in Tokyo now... It feels almost unreal", He knows it's obvious, but somehow everything that leads to here feels like a hazy dream, a dream that once Makoto thought won't ever happen.

"Last year, ever since the moment I realized what my dream was, I always thought I will be alone here."

Haru stopped eating and stare at him with ominous eyes.

"I was always afraid back then. Last year, in the Obon festival, you remember don't you?", Makoto asked him, his demeanor is serious and strangely tense, and Haru froze.

No.

Why again? Why now?

Haru doesn't want to go back there again, to remember those moments again, but fighting it seems like a fight he will never win, and his mind takes him back to last summer, on the beach, where thousands glowing paper lanterns, fireworks, and painful memories exist.


Last Summer.


The paper lanterns were floating calmly, painting spheres of light on the pitch dark of the night.

"How beautiful", Rei said.

'They really are', Haru thought, without saying it out loud.

On that moment, he feels like he can finally relax. For the first time in these past few weeks, a lot of things have been weighing on his mind. But being here like this with his friends, just being together without swimming like usual really put an ease on his mind.

Haru watch the lantern float one by one, forming a strand of light that leads into the sea. Next year, I'll float one for obaasan, he thought wistfully.

"Hey, Haru chan?", Nagisa called him out of his daze.

"Before we swim at nationals, there's something we want to say. Because i get the feeling we can't swim as a real team there unless we do."

Nagisa looked troubled.

"Haruka-senpai...Both Nagisa-kun and I have admired your swimming for a long time. Watching the way you swim so free and unbound by anything, I found myself wishing I could swim that way, as well.", Rei stepped forward beside Nagisa and proceed to voices his mind next, looking concerned as well.

Haru listened, and worried about where this will be going.

"... But now that you're no longer able to swim freestyle, your swimming just isn't like you anymore.'

...not like me anymore?

"We want you to swim in front of the whole world, so that more and more people can see your swimming."

The whole world? I don't need that kind of thing.

"And then, if more and more people were able to see your swimming and be moved like us, and wish they could swim like you, too... I couldn't imagine anything more wonderful."

Be moved? Wish they could swim like me? What does it matter?

That's just what you want; it's not what I swim for.

All I want is to swim with you guys.

Is that a bad thing?

"I don't understand you.", That's all he could muster without losing control and said things he's gonna regret.

So before anyone could say anything else, Haru walks away.


"I thought you'd be here."

Makoto walked up to Haru's side, his worried gaze only adds to Haru's irritation.

"Haru, I... don't think you can go on this way, either."

Haru can feel himself stiffen.

"Until now, I thought that if this was what you wanted, it was fine. Because whatever Rin said, I wanted to respect your wishes. But what you said to Rin at regionals..."

Dream and future, I have none of them.

Yes, Haru can still remember what he said to Rin as clear like it was yesterday, and still feel the same way about until this moment.

"If you truly want to stay as you are, I won't say anything."

It's not like I have a choice. This now is fine.

"But If it's just that you can't find a dream for yourself, I.. would want you to find one."

Unlike usual, Makoto gentle tone does nothing to ease his frustration. Haru lets a bitter laugh slip out.

"You want me to find one?"

Do you think I don't want to find one too, and did nothing all this time?

All I know is I want to swim together with all of you. Is that not enough?

"Is that really something you can find just by looking for it?"

Because no matter how hard I think, and searched for it, I never found it.

"Well—" Haru can hear hesitation in Makoto's voice.

Figures. He doesn't have an answer either.

"Forget it. I'm done talking about this."

Haru walks away, intending to end this conversation for good. Because if he stays any longer, he's afraid of what might happen next. He can feel the wall that holds his emotions together started to crumble, and so he walks faster.

"Wait."

Haru can feel Makoto's strong grip around his wrist. He should've seen this coming; Makoto would never let him just walk away from this. But this time, Haru will have it his own way.

"Let go!"

Makoto's grip on him only grows tighter.

"Listen to me!"

All I did lately was listening to each one of you! But.—

"However many times I listen, it's the same! You can't find a dream just by looking for one! I'm fine with the way things are!"

Nothing good ever comes out of it... and no answer either! The only thing I have right now is to swim relay with you, why can't you understand that!?

"That's a lie! The truth is, you want to find a dream, too!", The grip grows tighter again, to the point that it hurts.

"You should find that dream, and go flying into the outside world to follow it! You have the ability to do that!"

Makoto!? You...

"Even you're talking like this!?"

Haru ties to wriggle free, but Makoto's grip feels like solid iron digging on his skin, the harder he struggles, the tighter it gets.

"Where I swim and who I swim for, I'm free to decide that for myself! And I'm saying I'm fine with the way things are!"

What is so wrong about wanting to swim with my all of you!? I'm fine with this, so why things should change!?

"But you're not fine!"

Makoto's strained, desperate shout leave him aghast. Never once in his life he saw this Makoto before. Never once he sees Makoto this frustrated before.

"You're not fine! That's why we're all telling you this!"

I'm not... fine...?

"Nagisa, Rei, and Rin... and me..." Makoto's voice cracks. Haru stares at him, and struggles to understand what cause Makoto to react like this.

"It's because we all love you..."

Love... me?

"...because we care about you. Why can't you understand that!?"

Haru can see his best friend struggling to hold back his tears of frustration, and seeing him like this, Haru can feel his own emotions started to swell, bigger and bigger inside his chest.

"We want you to find your dream.. to look to the future..."

THIS AGAIN!?

"All you ever do is meddling with everyone! Stop sticking your nose in everyone else's business!"

I can't be what you wanted! Stop forcing your expectations on me!

He pushed Makoto back with all his might, anger, and frustration. If he can never walk away, at least this he can do. He needs something, anything to fight everything he's feeling inside. If not, he's sure he's gonna crumble.

"A dream.. a future!? Well, what about yours? Stop going on about people's futures when you haven't even decided your own!"

You don't have the answer either! So why telling me this, again and again?

All Haru got next is silence. All he can hear is his own labored breathing, and the wild thumping of his heart.

"Well, say something."

Makoto suddenly lets go of his hand, which turns it to instant, burning cold despite the warm summer night.

Why?

"I have decided."

What?

Makoto looks Haru straight in the eyes; his green orbs are firm and absolute.

"I'm ... going to university in Tokyo."

The firework goes off in an explosion of million colors.

But what Haru can only hear are Makoto's words; ringing again and again in his ears.

Makoto... Tokyo?

Something, or maybe everything inside him shattered, and for a moment that feels forever, he can't think or feel anything. He just stood there, staring at Makoto who, with resolve in his eye, looking back straight into his eyes.

This couldn't be right.. Makoto is always here. Isn't he...?

Haru expected another words from Makoto to follow, 'I'm still thinking about it', or 'It's still just a plan', But the certainty in Makoto's eyes says otherwise.

Haru doesn't know these eyes. He stared at them and look for something, anything, everything; worry, concern, smile, or even a hint of warmth, but they're not there. There's only a quiet, but deafening resolve, and suddenly Haru feels like he doesn't know those green eyes anymore.

His entire body feels cold, extremely cold, and now, the fireworks are deafening, taunting him along with Makoto's words, threatening to cut him open.

How can someone who's a few seconds ago said he loves him now saying he's gonna leave him?

'It's meaningless without you!'

Those words that came from the same person; his best friend, ringing in the back of his mind too, and they mesh together, along with Tokyo, shouting in turns like a siren inside his head. And when the pain kicks in, a burning slit that's blooming from the very centre of his chest, Haru can only accept it. It's better than this anyway. He looks at the ground, feeling the cold and pain spiraling out from his chest to his entire body.

He wants Makoto to say something like he always does, something to make it okay again, but what comes after only confirm Haru's fear, crushing all the hope he has left.

"I meant to tell you sooner, but I just couldn't find a way to say it."

The right time?

Haru felt his eyes sting and his chest burned. That's not what he wants to hear, it's not the comforting words he needs to hear.

"I..."

NO MORE!

"Do whatever you want!"

He ran as fast as his heavy heart and feet can take him, breathing as fast and hard as he could in hope for the pain to settle down. But as he's running back on the road alongside the coast, he could still see the same silhouette at the very edge of the beach.

Haru stopped running, bracing himself on the railing, forcing his eyes shut. But the memories keep flooding back, and Makoto from their childhood days is there, stood still, facing the sea, the rising tide was already at his feet. Haru can still remember how he had called out Makoto's name and ran as fast as he could that day, to reach Makoto, not from him. How things has changed. His balance broke back then, and he fell. He can still remember his frustration too, and his uneasy heart, couldn't reach Makoto's side as fast as he could. When he asked Makoto what he is doing, he had said,

"…I thought of going to a place where Haru isn't."

Haruka's heart leapt in his chest, fearing what Makoto was trying to do, and what would happen if he found him a little late.

"…Why?" asking it was all he could muster.

"Will I be alright even if Haru isn't here? …..I wanted to make sure of that."

Raising his eyebrows, Makoto showed him a lonely smile. And with the same smile, Makoto asked him a question.

"Would Haru be alright even if I weren't here?"

Haru couldn't lie to Makoto anymore, or to himself.

"–– I wouldn't have looked for you if I were."

"Right.", Makoto told him, and showed him a smile, a smile which Haru needs so desperately right now, when he can't find anything worth smiling anymore.

"I told you, Makoto.", Haru said, gripping his chest, trying to pacify the waves of pain that swells again and again, along with his every heartbeat.

I told you I won't be okay without you.

So why?

Why now...

Even you Makoto, in the end, have changed as well.

Finally giving up, Haruka let the first tears fall, and others that follow after.

Haru's house is dark when he went in, but he didn't even bother to turn on the light.

All he wants right now is some sleep. He's physically and mentally tired, but everywhere he goes, from room to room, the memories of Makoto in them occupying all his thoughts; In the kitchen when Haru used to cook for him, the living room when they studied together, in his bath where Makoto picked him up in the morning. His ghost is everywhere, all at once. Haru just let the ache washed over him, too tired to fight and feeling too empty to care.

Walking straight to his bedroom, where they spend countless of times doing sleepovers, Haru can feel his presence again. He opened his drawers to get changed, and there it is; Makoto's old shirt, the one that's already too small for him to wear now.

It makes Haru realized on that moment that they are in fact, just two separate people. They're not even family, just two boys who by chance, live near to each other.

To think that Makoto will always be here is not only wrong; it was delusional, and stupid.

But Makoto is the only one, someone who Haru always believed and has always been there, not even his grandmother, not his mom and dad. In his room, and even on his bed, every memory came crashing at once. Makoto was there, always there, him and his warm, genuine smile. But Makoto's expression, just a few moments ago, filled with frustration, pain and sadness is something that Haru had never seen before, and it occurs to him that he's the one who caused it.

That night, Haruka learns to loathe himself.

The world without Makoto is something that Haruka never lived in and don't know how to live in. And everything; his room, his house, Iwatobi... all reminded him to the fact that everything will never be the same again when the sun rises tomorrow. He's feeling completely alone, and for the first time, being alone, who used to be his comfort zone, now terrifies him to no ends. He realized that it is because he never knew the true meaning of alone before this night.

So, trying to escape it all, all he could do is curl underneath his blanket, where everything is dark and empty, but still better than this reality he's in. The pain has started to form into a familiar thing in his chest, and Haruka closed his eyes, trying to breathe and breathe, wishing sleep to come anytime soon.