AN: Please, if you ever become so depressed you consider self harm or suicide, please ask for help. People will miss you and the world is much better with you in it.
…
Jade was still stroking Tori's hair but Tori was no longer crying. "I'm so sorry Tori, you didn't deserve anything I had done." It felt so good to be held, but Tori still didn't trust Jade. She was grateful to be able to cry though, she felt worlds better at the moment, like the tears had shed ten pounds off the weight she felt in her soul. "Then why did you?" If Jade was being sincere Tori needed some answers. Jade had no clue the damage she had done.
"That's a loaded question," Jade said into Tori's ear. "And there's no easy, or one, answer to that. You deserve an answer though, so let me try to explain it." Jade took in a big breathe, she had no clue how this was going to go but Jade figured the best place to begin was to just start talking and hope it all came out of her.
"I have a bitterness in me, it's been there as long as I can remember. It's like I'm scared to show any kindness, and I belittle people to push them away. It's easier to keep up walls when you don't let any one in, and act so mean no one wants in."
"What's Beck then," Tori was wondering how if what Jade said is true where Beck fits in anywhere. "Beck, and Cat too to be honest, are my anchors. They help keep me grounded when I go to far, or start to loose myself in a very, very, dark place. One of them, if not both, pull me back out. Remind me that other people feel too."
Wow, that makes a lot of sense Tori thought. "So did they pull you out this time?" It would make sense that they did, considering what was currently going on, Jade showing up and counseling her and all. "Yeah, yeah they did. But I think I fucked up big time. Like, permanently losing Beck as boyfriend fucked up. We've broken up before, but we always fix it, it never lasts long. But god did I screw up this time." Tori squeezed her deepening the hug. "Jade, you did mess up. But like how they save you, you saved me believe it or not. When I got home I went to a very very dark place. I've gone dark before, hence all the scars, but it was bad this time. I lost myself in blackness, like I wanted to die. So thank you."
Jade gave Tori a kiss on the forehead, just a friendly understanding one. "Well," Jade gulped unsure of what Tori may say to this, "I know I don't deserve this, but if you'd give me a chance I'd really like to try and make things right. Like have you join our little gang of friends, and maybe become mine too." Tori pulled a way a bit so she could look into Jade's eyes. She searched deep within them trying to see something there, she wasn't sure what she was even looking for exactly. "I'd like that Jade, I really would."
…
The next day at school even Jade was a bit nervous. She planned to take Tori to their table, she had really meant everything she said yesterday. The issue was she wasn't sure how much damage she had done with her friends. And more importantly she had no clue if Beck was going to forgive her, like ever, and no she wasn't trying to help Tori just to win Beck back. Jade's world had been rocked yesterday though. How many other people had she caused to cut themselves? She never realized just how bad she had gotten, she was glad she had been snapped out of it before she caused Tori to try to go to the next level.
Tori and jade walked towards the gangs table, lunch trays in hand. Tori took in a deep breathe, Jade could tell she was nervous. "Don't worry Tori, they already love you. It was my fault you were never able to merge into our little clique." Tori gave Jade a shy smile before they took their seats. They all looked around, shocked would be a good term for the looks on their faces.
"So guys, I don't think anyone here would mind Tori joining us, right?" Beck, rightfully, gave her a suspicious look. "This isn't just some plan for you to torment her again is it?" Beck sounded mad, like really mad. "Well, Beck, no. I went to her house yesterday after everything… Well I'm sorry, I know I fucked up guys. I never meant for things to go so far, I apologized though and I think Tori and I worked things out." Jade got really uncomfortable for this next part, god she hated apologies and sappiness. "And Cat, Beck," Jade nodded towards both, "thank you two. If it wasn't for you too I don't think I ever would have stopped. And I know Beck, I don't expect you to date me again because of this. I know I fucked up."
Beck, who knew Jade better than anyone else with maybe the exception of Cat, stared at Jade. He looked like he was studying everything about her, her demeanor, eyes, everything. "Well, good then. And welcome Tori, I have a feeling you'll fit in just fine with our little group of misfits."
"Who you calling a misfit," Rex, head turning towards Beck and Robbie trying best to act nonchalant. "I'm the coolest person in this group. You guys just ride off my coat tails." Tori gave out a laugh, damn this felt good. She hadn't had friends in a very long time.
…
School was over and Tori was headed for Trina's car. "Hey Tor," Tori heard Jade yell so she turned around. "Why are you headed for your sisters car? Come get in mine!" Tori gave a bit of a smile before turning around and headed for Jade. Tor, Tori kind of liked that as a nickname. She had never really had a nickname before.
Tori hopped into the passengers side of Jade's car. "Sooo, you just gonna drop me off, or uhmm, ermm, would you like to hangout at my house for a bit?" Tori was nervous asking, was she asking too much of their very new friendship? "Relax Tori, yeah I'd like to hangout," Jade said giving her the best smile she had. Needless to say, Tori was pretty excited.
They pulled up to Tori's drive way, no sign of her parents. Tori let out a sigh. "What's wrong Tor?" Jade asks while taking off her seat belt. "Nothing, was just hoping I'd get to see at least one of my parents today." Jade could tell Tori seemed bummed. "They been busy lately or something?"
Tori let out a bit of a laugh, "Lately? Try always, they're never around anymore." Tori opened up the door to her house and did a bit of a curtsy to let Jade know to go on it. "Wow, a bit surprising. You guys have so many family photos around I just kinda assumed everyone was close." Jade said as Tori let out a sigh. "Well trust me, looks can be very deceiving."
"Well, want to get anything off your chest?" Jade asked sincerely. "Yeah, just not right now. Maybe one day I'll talk to you about it, but after everything yesterday I'd just like to feel normal for a bit before letting you see more of the skeletons in my closet." Jade just nodded, understanding exactly how Tori felt. "Well, my ear is here whenever you need it."
…
It was 6 PM now, they had ended up ordering a pizza and putting on a movie. Jade ended up laughing really hard at one scene and ended up falling against Tori. "Ouch, fuck," Tori said grabbing the arm Jade had leaned against. "Oh, shit sorry." Jade said looking over to Tori concerned. Tori had raised her sleeve and was rubbing her fresh cuts from yesterday.
"It's no problem, they're just a bit sensitive right now," Jade grimaced, she had almost forgotten all about that. "Look, you don't have to answer this question if you don't want to, but why did you cut before you met me?"
Tori looked at Jade, Jade seemed really sincere about everything since yesterday, but she had no clue if she trusted her with her deepest secret. "Well, when everyone at my last school found out that I was a lesbian things went down hill fast. Kids either bullied me, or pretended I didn't exist so they didn't get caught in the cross fire. I lost all the friends I did have, I became a total pariah."
Jade was shocked that in this day and age, especially in California, people could be so closed minded. Jade may have done a lot of bad things, but she'd never bully someone over their sexuality. "Tori, you go to Hollywood Arts now, shoot our lesbian and gay population make out in the open regularly, things can and will be different here."
"Jade," Tori started, "it may seem so easy to you… But I went through a lot there and I'd just rather keep it a secret for now. Hell, maybe until I'm off to college. I've never had a girlfriend yet, I think I can make it two, well almost 3, more years."
Jade just nodded, the girl had been through a hell of a lot, and Jade hadn't made it any easier so she was definitely not in any position to try and push the issue. "Hey, Tor. Just promise me you'll consider telling the gang. They're really all good people, even Robbie and Rex, and they'd be supportive. Hell, I personally think Cat is bi so..." Jade didn't finish but just wiggled her eyebrows at Tori.
Tori laughed and gave Jade a play shove, Cat was very cute but when looking at Jade now she got a weird feeling in her stomach. Tori had crushes before and she knew exactly what this meant. Unfortunately for her she was starting to get a crush on Jade West, ex enemy and new friend.
…
Tori was alone now, in her room. It was 10 PM now, Jade had gone home almost two hours ago now. She let out a sigh, she never would stand a chance with Jade. She had to be straight, considering the whole Beck situation and all. Cat was cute and all, but Jade was getting her heart. As thoughts raced through Tori's head she got the familiar tightness in her chest, a pain started that she knew there was only one cure to.
Tori pulled the razor from under her bed and added another new scar to her collection.
