Note: I've heard from a lot of people, and it's made me decide to suck it up and finish posting this. That being said, if you have issues with this subject matter, then this might be the part that's mostly likely to give you problems. Still no explicit content, but this is the part that most directly addresses everything. I fucked myself up real good just writing this, and I've never even personally experienced these things.

This part is...different. I had some serious misgivings about writing it this way, if only because it has the potential to very easily become tasteless. I did it anyway, because everything here is highly symbolic. I basically took an internal conflict and externalized it, projecting it onto the outside world. I could've gotten a similar effect from an internal monologue, but not even I want to read a ginormous monologue.

I externalized the conflict, but Gray is very much fighting himself.


"This is so stupid," Natsu complained. "We could be doing an actual fun job right now, but nooo."

"Will you stop whining already?" Erza snapped. "It's fighting—you should be having a blast."

"I'm actually going to have to agree with the flame-brained idiot for once," Gray said as he smirked over at Natsu, pleased that he could meet his friend's eyes without flinching.

He'd had a difficult time meeting people's eyes after his meltdown a few months ago, but it had gotten better once his friends had started acting more normally around him again. They'd treated him like fragile glass at first, until he'd made it clear that he hated it and had stubbornly insisted on sweeping the entire incident under the rug like it had never happened at all. But everyone still remembered it anyway, and he always felt that prick of shame when he saw that knowledge reflected in their eyes.

"Yes, well you're both equally stupid," Happy muttered.

Gray snorted. "Look, all I'm saying is that it's getting annoying that they're harassing us about stupid crap one minute and then demanding favors of us the next."

"And they're not even paying us," Natsu grumbled.

"No, but they are going to overlook how you destroyed half of Hargeon last week." Erza gave the boys a hard look. "And anyway, it's the Council. It's not like we can say no."

"Why not?" Gray asked sourly. He was really only half paying attention to the conversation, more preoccupied with scanning the darkened hallways for threats as they walked past. It didn't pay to get distracted while in the den of a dark guild. "They're always pushing us around, but let's be honest, we could do whatever we wanted and they couldn't actually stop us. The only time they ever did anything important was when they fired Etherion, and that was a total fiasco."

"There are a lot of really powerful mages on the Council," Erza said.

"Yeah, but they never do anything." Gray rolled his eyes. "Every time something major comes up, all the Council ever does is sit back and then later complain that we damaged a few buildings while taking care of what should be their job.

"And the only time they really get involved in anything is to ask us to take care of this wimpy dark guild which isn't even a threat. Super powerful dark guild threatens to take over the world? Eh, ignore it. Maybe Fairy Tail will take care of it eventually. Wimpy dark guild dares attempt to break into headquarters once and fails miserably? Call in Fairy Tail to eradicate them immediately. Honestly."

"Why couldn't they have sicced us on a cool dark guild?" Natsu whined, peeking down an offshoot of the corridor and scowling when it was empty. "If they were going to boss us around, the least they could have done was give us some fun enemies to fight. These guys are totally lame."

Gray suppressed a smile. They could always count on Natsu to have his priorities straight.

Erza sighed and rubbed at her face wearily. "We still have to answer to the Council, whether you like it or not. Look, at least they actually sent some help this time."

"Who needs help when these guys are so weak?" Natsu griped.

Gray was also unimpressed. "The Knights are only here to sit outside and look pretty until they decide it's safe enough to venture in and throw anti-magic cuffs on everyone we defeated."

"No one really likes the Council, but we're stuck with them, so why bother complaining?" Happy asked.

"Because this job is so boring that I have nothing better to do," Gray said with a laugh.

"Well, can we save it for after we've finished?" Lucy broke in, glaring at the rest of the team. "No point getting distracted. And you guys are loud enough that we've completely lost the element of surprise."

Gray smirked, unconcerned. "Oh? I thought we lost the element of surprise back when squinty eyes over there exploded half the building on his way in."

"And that was the only real action we've seen so far," Natsu grumbled, kicking moodily at the floor.

"For the love of– Lucy's right," Erza said, her clipped strides radiating irritation as she sped up to take the lead. "Let's just finish things up and get out of here."

Gray chuckled quietly but fell silent. As fun as annoying his teammates was and as easy as this job seemed to be, it still paid to be cautious. This was a fairly small dark guild that normally flew under the radar, and so far all the mages they'd run across in this labyrinth were of mediocre strength at best. The team had already taken out a dozen or so, and they had to be almost done. The Council had shown them the blueprints of the hideout—how the Council had managed to get those blueprints when they were entirely incompetent was beyond Gray—and it looked like they were coming up on the heart of the building. There wasn't anywhere else for the dark mages to hide, so the final confrontation should be coming up.

Gray followed behind Erza and kept his eyes peeled for anything out of the ordinary. There was no sign of anyone else in the main corridor or in any of the rooms branching off of it, and soon they found themselves standing outside a large wooden door.

"I guess all the rest of them are in there?" Lucy suggested doubtfully.

"Probably," Erza agreed. "There should be the leader and maybe half a dozen others."

"Let's just get it over with," Happy said tiredly. "The sooner we get out of here, the sooner we can get some fish. I'm hungry."

Erza rolled her eyes but nodded. "Get ready."

She pushed the door open and entered the room cautiously, hefting her sword in preparation. The others filed in behind her, tensed up and ready to fight. It was a huge room with a high ceiling, but since there were zero windows, it was gloomy and dark anyway. The team inched further inside, squinting at the shadows cloaking the edges of the room.

"They're in here," Natsu said. "I can smell them. Maybe fourteen or fifteen."

Hm. That was more than they had expected, although it wasn't enough to worry Gray. Not after seeing how easily the other half of the guild had gone down.

The shadows at the perimeter shifted and wavered as the enemy mages stepped out into the light, faces set in grim determination as they prepared for their last stand. They weren't a very impressive bunch, and Gray ignored them in favor of focusing on the one who strode toward the team with confident strides and a small smirk.

A wave of sudden fear hit Gray, at complete odds with his assessment of how weak these enemies were. He couldn't take his eyes off the man walking toward him. He wasn't sure what it was that was freaking him out so much, but alarm bells were going off in his head and he had the sudden urge to turn tail and flee.

Run, run, run, run, run.

"And to what do we owe the pleasure of a visit from the great Fairy Tail guild?" the man drawled, eyeing the team up and down as he stopped a few feet away, apparently confident in his ability to stand up to them. "We're just a lowly little dark guild. We never expected to get such superstars visiting us."

Natsu shrugged. "No offense, dude. Apparently you got on the Council's bad side and they want you taken out."

"Ah, I see, and what–?" The man broke off as his eye caught on Gray, and he frowned slightly, studying the ice mage like he was an interesting insect.

Gray's breath got stuck in his throat, and he took an unconscious half-step back.

Run, run, run, run, run.

"Funny," the dark mage said, still eyeing Gray thoughtfully, "I used to have a necklace just like that once."

Impossible, impossible, it can't be. What are the chances?

"Impossible," Gray breathed aloud, eyes widening.

The man in front of him was a decade older than when they'd last met, but his eyes were the same. Cold, calculating, evil, evil, evil. This ghost of the past smiled suddenly, cruel amusement entering his eyes, and Gray recognized it, his heart speeding up in response as his body started trembling.

"I gave it to a kid years and years ago. Ah yes, your eyes are the same. You've grown up well, kiddo."

"You're a little young for my taste. Usually I like them older, but I'll make an exception for you since you've got such pretty eyes."

"Huh? Gray, do you know him?" Natsu asked in surprise.

Gray ignored him, his tunnel vision fixed firmly on the dark mage. When the man's smirk widened and he started walking forward again, Gray began backing up, almost tripping over his own feet in his haste to get away.

What are you doing? Run, fight, do something.

"What a coincidence. It's been so long that I wouldn't have recognized you if not for the necklace and the fact that you still can't keep your clothes on." Darkly amused smile. "Get it? Can't keep your clothes on." Laugh.

Hands ripping, tearing. Exposed, scared.

The world was fading away, blurring into a formless dream except for the laser focus on the man in front of him. In some small corner of his brain not entirely consumed by panic, Gray was vaguely aware that his friends were worried and trying to get to him, trying to fight through all the other dark mages. He didn't care. Not about the battle raging around him, or anything else aside from this little slice of nightmare.

His back hit the wall and he immediately panicked as he realized that he had nowhere else to go. His assailant laughed and crossed the last few paces in two long strides, grabbing Gray's wrists and slamming them back against the wall.

Pressed against the wall, wriggling, kicking. Back sliding against the rough stone painfully, pushed to the ground, struggling to no avail.

There was no struggling this time. Gray was frozen, staring at his attacker with wide, horrified eyes. His mind screamed at him to do something, anything, but he couldn't move. How pathetic. He'd gotten accidentally pinned down for a few seconds in a friendly fight, and had completely freaked out and destroyed half the guild. Now that he was facing real danger, he couldn't even move a muscle.

"What's wrong? You fought me the entire way last time. What happened to all that spunk? Don't tell me I broke you."

Biting, kicking, struggling, writhing.

Shame, pain, horror, fear. Broken.

Gray tried to suck in a breath, but the hyperventilating was making him lightheaded. The trembling only grew worse. He had magic, he could fight. He was strong, he could fight. But he didn't move.

"It's like fate, isn't it?" Leaning in a little, smirking. "I mean, what are the chances that we'd run into each other again after so many years? It's like the universe is telling us that we should have a round two."

He leaned closer but didn't make a move. Gray wasn't sure if he was serious or was just trying to get his kicks in before the rest of the team inevitably took down him and what remained of his guild. And it didn't really matter. The terror was just as strong.

"Would you like that?"

"Oh, come on, you know you like it."

"I would've thought you would have gotten rid of the necklace already, but you kept it for all these years, huh? I guess that means you liked it more than you let on."

His last words sent a sudden wave of fury searing through Gray, temporarily burning through the panic. He latched on to it and stoked it as best he could, knowing that if he could hold on to it, he could keep the panic at bay long enough to do something.

Eyes narrowing and mouth twisting into a snarl, he ripped his wrists out of the other man's grasp, sending his assailant stumbling backward a few paces.

"You don't get to tell me what I did or didn't like," Gray growled, eyes flashing.

How dare he, how dare he, how dare he?

The anger freed his mind enough that he could reach for his magic again, and his hands quickly folded into familiar positions, the movements choppy with fury. The ice responded to his command, bursting forth and sending the other man flying across the room. Gray stalked after him, his anger and pain causing his magic to radiate outwards, dropping the temperature of the room precipitously.

A flash of movement in his peripheral vision let him know that a couple of underlings were rushing toward him, either to stop him or help their master. Without bothering to even glance at them, he swept his hands out to the sides and sent icy spears to put them out of commission. Ignoring their cries, he advanced on the real object of his attention.

See? You're strong, you have magic, you can defend yourself.

His childhood nightmare had recovered from his surprise and was pulling himself to his feet again, that infuriating smile spreading across his face once more. Gray didn't give him a chance to run his mouth again or launch another attack.

Strike first. Fight, fight, fight.

"I've waited a long fucking time to give this back to you," Gray hissed, grabbing the necklace's pendant and yanking on it so violently that the clasp on the chain snapped. He didn't care about the pain or choking sensation, because it was worth it to get rid of something far more painful.

"I should give you something for being such a good sport. I pay whores, so I guess I should pay you too, yeah?"

Pouring his magic into the pendant, Gray slammed it into his assailant's forehead with enough force to push him backward. The man cried out as the subzero metal hit his heated skin. Gray was hoping for full-on frostbite.

"I don't have any money on me, but here, you can sell this and get a pretty penny."

"I never wanted anything from you," Gray snarled, noting with vicious satisfaction that when the necklace fell away, a patch of blackened, deadened skin remained. "Not your money or your stupid trinkets. What made you think that I wanted you to pay me like I was a common whore? Like I had a choice? I'm not your pet, your bitch, your toy. You don't get to talk to me like that, to treat me like that. How dare you?"

The older man winced and grimaced, rubbing at his forehead for a moment. It must hurt like hell, Gray could read the pain in his eyes, but he was back to looking like he was amused by the whole situation, like this was all just a fucking game. It made the rage burn hotter, and Gray was almost grateful for it because it kept all his other emotions at bay.

"Well, well, looks like you've still got some fight left in you after all," the asshole purred. "Good. I rather liked that about you."

"It's actually kind of cute, how you keep struggling anyway."

"Fuck you," Gray spat, hands curling into fists.

"Actually, the way I remember it, I fucked you," he said, amusement sparking in his eyes as he chuckled.

Gray lashed out automatically, his fist colliding with the other man's jaw. The bastard stumbled back a half-step and winced, but then grinned again. How could he act like something so horrible was just a game? How could it just be a game to him when it had ripped Gray's life apart?

"Shut the hell up."

"Aw, come on, kiddo. It couldn't have been that bad. And running around half naked is basically asking for it."

"That's not an invitation." Gray lunged again, but the man just dodged and smirked. "I couldn't help it back then, but I'll give you credit for being the only thing that ever managed to make me break the habit."

Pull on layers and layers and layers. Still feel the hands anyway.

"Oh? It doesn't really look like much has changed."

Gray summoned up his magic again, but fire sprang to the other man's hands and melted through the ice. Gray took a half-step back and watched the flames warily. He remembered this part too.

Burning, scorching, pain, pain, pain.

"Yeah, well after a few weeks I trained myself back into it." Gray scowled. "I can't stop now, see? If I stop, you win. You already took so much from me—you don't get to take this too."

The stripping habit could be pretty damn annoying sometimes, but it had originally sprung from Ur's training techniques. That this bastard had come by and used it to his advantage, given it a new and darker meaning, was unacceptable. It had become uncomfortable, shameful, dangerous. Gray had hated that, so he'd worked to turn it back around, to try to bring it back to what it had once been. He'd even mostly succeeded.

The man laughed. "I'll take whatever I want."

"I'd like to see you try," Gray growled back, slipping into a defensive stance.

"Kid, you couldn't stop me last time. What makes you think that this time will be any different?"

Too weak, too weak, can't stop him.

I'm stronger than I was then.

Are you?

"I've spent the last decade training against a fire mage way stronger than you," Gray said coldly. "I think I can handle it."

"I guess we'll see, won't we?"

The flames burst forth, turning the space between the two into a raging inferno. Gray braced himself for the pain he knew was coming. He remembered this particular flavor of fire, the one that had hurt him the worst.

Blistering, cruel, hungry, painful… Weak?

Gray's ice swept through the fire, freezing it solid, leaving a field of crystalline flames in its wake. He frowned at the spectacle, taken off guard.

"Were you always this weak?" he wondered aloud.

Pathetic. How could flames this weak have melted through your ice so easily? How could you have been defeated by something so weak?

Maybe I've just gotten stronger since then.

Have you?

He let the ice shatter and dissipate. The two adversaries stared at each other, both equally surprised. Then Gray's lips twisted into an icy smile. This man wasn't even a real threat anymore.

He started forward with newfound confidence, easily deflecting his enemy's attacks. Everything that hadn't worked when he was a kid worked now—his shield held off the flames, his ice withstood the heat, his magic tore through enemy defenses.

"Well, would you look at that?" Gray said coldly, coming to a halt just in front of his defeated adversary in a heap on the floor. At least the bastard wasn't so smug now. He didn't look as scared as he should, but he was collapsed and bleeding and finished, and that was enough. "Looks like you underestimated me this time. I'm not just some scared little kid in an alley anymore."

The man chuckled breathily, wincing and wrapping an arm around his injured ribs. "Yeah, you sure grew up." His gaze took on a calculating cast, and that hint of unbearable smugness started creeping back into his expression again. "So, what are you going to do now?"

Gray stared at him silently for a moment.

Make him bleed, make him hurt, pay him back a hundred times over.

"You're lucky," he said finally. "If I'd stumbled across you a few years ago, I might have killed you. But now…" He shook his head. "Now you're not worth it."

He turned away. His mind shrieked at him to turn back around, that it was stupid to turn his back on an enemy, but he ignored it and started walking away, mouth set in a grim line. The man was finished, and the Council's Knights would be charging in here within minutes to drag him to jail. It was over.

Gray couldn't undo the past and couldn't bring himself to kill the bastard even though he undoubtedly deserved it, so the only thing left to do was walk away. It was hard, it was scary, but it was almost like a mini victory, that he could act like none of this had been a big deal, like it didn't still hurt. He didn't want to give the bastard the satisfaction of a show. This horribly inhuman man might think it was all a game, but Gray wasn't willing to play along anymore.

That didn't mean that it wasn't difficult, that he wouldn't rather rip the asshole's heart out, that it wasn't frightening to turn his back on a threat in a way that stirred up the panic underlying the anger. Gray just tried to tamp down his out-of-control emotions and focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

But it got even harder the second he realized that the rest of the room was silent, the other enemies already defeated.

Oh God, they know now. They really know.

The shame and anxiety swept over him in a crushing wave. He didn't know how much his friends had seen and heard, but they undoubtedly knew what had happened now. It was like he couldn't keep anything hidden from them forever. They'd found out about his parents, Ur, Deliora, and now this. With all his ugliest, darkest secrets laid out before them, Gray had never before felt so exposed and humiliated. But since he couldn't just sink into the floor and wish it all away, he fixed his gaze on the ground right by Erza's shoes and kept walking, unable to look anyone in the eye.

"Where are you going, kiddo?" Amused again. How could he be so goddamn smug when he couldn't even stand? "If you're not going to kill me then we might as well have some more fun, yeah? You know what they say—if you're not dead, you might as well fuck. Or something like that."

Make sure he knows he isn't getting to you.

But he is getting to me.

Don't let him know that. He's playing a game, trying to get a reaction. Don't give it to him.

Gray fought not to hunch his shoulders, instead grinding his teeth together, eyes narrowing dangerously. He forced himself to keep walking at a leisurely pace, keep his emotions tightly leashed.

Natsu growled low in his throat, but Gray made a sharp silencing gesture with his hand. Not that the ice mage really had a good idea of how anyone was taking this, since he still couldn't bring himself to look at any them.

How dare he talk to me like that in front of my friends?

They know, they know, nothing will ever be the same again.

"Still playing hard to get, huh?"

A slight scuffling sound alerted Gray to the fact that the man was trying to pull himself to his feet. He almost panicked and spun back around, but forcibly stopped himself. There was no real threat—the bastard was injured too badly to put up a fight. If only logic could win out against emotion.

Ignore him, ignore him, ignore him.

"Hm, I guess I could always play with your friends instead. I've always rather liked pink."

Gray snapped, whipping around and crossing the distance he'd just traveled in the space of a heartbeat. He slammed the half-standing mage into the wall, ramming his elbow into the man's throat to cut off his air supply.

"That," he snarled, eyes blazing, "I will kill you for."

The older man's eyes widened and he struggled feebly, his face starting to turn blue from lack of oxygen. The smugness was gone now—whatever he saw in Gray's face had convinced him that he had gone too far and was now in serious danger.

Trapped, caged, suffocating, can't breathe, hurts, pain, fear, shame.

He deserves it.

Weak, powerless, scared, humiliated.

Gray sucked in a breath and took a step back, releasing the man. He couldn't keep anyone trapped like that, not even the person who most deserved it, because all he could see and feel was himself as a child, frightened and caged. He couldn't do that to someone else.

Instead, he grabbed the bastard's arm and twisted it around sharply, until it bent in an unnatural direction and a loud snap echoed through the air. The man cried out in pain and dropped back to the floor.

Gray looked down at him coldly, turning up his nose at the trembling wreck. "You haunted my nightmares for years," he said. "You were right up there with the real live demon. But now that you're here in front of me again… You're actually rather pathetic, aren't you?"

This sniveling mess was a far cry from the boogieman of his nightmares, the powerful and sadistic figure hiding in the shadows of his mind. Even without the fury, some of Gray's panic was starting to melt away. It was hard to be afraid of something so unimpressive.

"Maybe it isn't you that I'm scared of after all."

Defenseless, helpless, out of control, can only sit back and watch, can't do anything, let me go, make it stop.

The man himself wasn't terribly frightening anymore, but even now that he was separated out from the worst of the memory, the emotions he had stirred up still remained. That feeling of being weak, of being unable to stop something terrible from happening, of failure, of shame… That remained, and Gray didn't try fooling himself into thinking that it hadn't had its roots in his earlier experiences with Deliora, before this asshole had ever even come into his life. A man was a man was a man. But Gray's weakness and inability to protect himself and the people he loved were what really hurt the most.

"Is it still a fun game now that you're the one who's weak and defenseless?" Gray sat down abruptly so that he could look the older mage in the eye. "You fucked me up real good."

"Or do you mean that I fucked you real good?"

"Both." Gray smiled. It could almost be pleasant, if not for the dangerous edge underneath. "But I'd keep my mouth shut if I were you," he continued conversationally. "My patience with you was already wearing thin even before you dragged my friends into this and threatened them. You might still think this is all some silly game, but it was never a game to me. Do you think I'm not serious? Look me in the eye and tell me that I won't kill you without a second thought."

He really had no intention of killing anyone, if only because he didn't want any more blood on his hands, but he was feeling murderous enough to get his point across.

The other man swallowed hard, fear finally spreading across his face. "I wasn't really threatening–"

"Oh, I know," Gray interrupted. "You were just trying to bait me. Well, you got your reaction. Is it everything you hoped it would be? You just want to keep pushing at me to see if I'll break. That's what you really want to know, isn't it? How close you came to breaking me? Fine, you made the game, so I'll play by your rules."

He leaned forward a little, that frigid smile still in place. "I was already broken when you found me. I'd already seen and done and felt things that no child should ever have to. But yes, you took whatever was left of my heart and my pride and my self-esteem, and shattered it. I had nightmares and flashbacks and lived in fear. You made me feel weak, and I hated it.

"But I took the fear you gave me and turned it into determination. I poured it into getting stronger so that I would never feel that weak again. I took all those broken pieces and glued them back together stronger than before. You might have won round one, but I have every intention of winning the war."

Gray sighed and leaned back, some of the tightly-controlled fury fading a bit. "You know, I broke every mirror I could get my hands on because I couldn't stand seeing my reflection anymore. I didn't like the person I saw looking back at me. I could only see the shame and pain and fear, and it disgusted me." He pushed himself to his feet, an almost-triumphant smile ghosting over his face. "But you know, in the end, it's you who disgusts me."

That was only half the story, to be sure. The truth was that there were still pieces of Gray too broken to fix, pieces that still disgusted and shamed him. That was something he'd have to live with and spend the rest of his life trying to overcome.

But this was still a victory of sorts, even if it was a bittersweet one. He felt like he'd put on a good show, that he'd finally torn that smugness off his one-time assailant's face and convinced him that this wasn't just some stupid game. And there was some kind of closure in being able to face down his demons and lock them away. Yes, the brokenness would stay, but at least this part of his nightmare was now laid to rest. It was something. For now, it would have to be enough.

A glint of silver caught his eye, and he stepped over to the side, bending down to pick up the broken necklace. He weighed it in his hand for a moment.

It seemed odd to have kept something so terrible for so long. He had thrown it out dozens of times over the years, but had always dug it back out of the trash in the end. It had been a reminder of his weakness and shame and humiliation. A reminder of why he needed to get stronger, why he had to always be careful and vigilant instead of trusting and naïve. A visible mark of his invisible shame, a burden that he kept because of that niggling doubt in the back of his mind whispering that maybe he had deserved it.

The sound of heavy footsteps coming toward them broke the air suddenly. The Knights. As usual, they had waited to make an appearance until after the action was over.

Gray knelt down in front of the dark mage, met his eyes, smiled. He slipped the necklace into the other man's pocket. "Checkmate," he breathed.

Then the Knights burst into the room and Gray stood again, backing up slowly, keeping his eyes fixed on his defeated foe the whole time. He watched impassively as the Council's henchmen began snapping cuffs onto the dark guilders, wondering how it was possible to be bursting with so many painful emotions but yet still feel numb at the same time.

It was only when his friends hesitantly walked over to stand by him that he really remembered that they were there at all. With all his attention so entirely occupied, it had been easy to lose track of who else was present. Now he just grimaced and kept his gaze pointed forward, not knowing what to do now that they knew.

Clearly they didn't know what to do either, what he needed from them and what comfort he'd take rather than reject. He didn't blame them. He felt much the same.

Erza stopped right next to him, and he didn't fail to notice how she came as close as humanly possible while still being very careful not to actually touch him. Perhaps she was just waiting to see if he'd cross the divide because she wasn't sure how he'd react to being touched, especially after he'd almost taken her head off back when he'd panicked in the guild.

He left the gap.

The others didn't come quite as close, but Gray could feel their presence there anyway, and it made his skin prickle uncomfortably. For a few moments, they watched the Knights work in silence.

"I'll go kill him for you," Natsu offered finally.

It was impossible to decipher his emotions, especially because there was no way in hell that Gray could possibly make eye contact. The anger wasn't unexpected because this was Natsu, but there was something like grief or pain hidden underneath, and Gray wasn't sure what to make of it.

"Don't bother," Gray said hollowly, watching as a Knight slipped anti-magic cuffs onto the object of his attention and dragged him to his feet. "He's not worth it."

"Of course he's not," the dragon slayer snapped. "But you are."

Gray swallowed, dropped his gaze to his feet, forced himself to look back at his assailant again. "The Knights already have him in custody. It's not worth it to go up against the Council."

"Screw the Council," Erza said, her voice wavering slightly. "It's not like they do anything anyway. I'd go against the Council for this."

Gray was so startled to hear this from Erza of all people that he almost looked over at her, but then hunched his shoulders a little instead. "I already took care of it. It's enough."

Silence fell for a few more seconds. His friends were still shocked and horrified enough to have no idea what to say or how to handle the situation, and Gray didn't know how to go about it either. He wasn't sure how he could face them now, especially when all he wanted to do was wake up and discover that this had all been a horrible dream.

"That time you had a panic attack in the middle of the guild…" Happy swallowed hard. "It wasn't about Deliora, was it?"

"No," Gray said after a moment, shaking his head slightly. "But it was much easier when that's what you assumed it was."

He reached up unconsciously, his hand absently searching for the pendant that should be around his neck. His fingers closed on empty air, and he dropped his hand again as he remembered that the necklace was gone for good. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. The hated thing was gone, and partly it felt good, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. But he also didn't know how to live without it, and throwing out a chunk of metal hadn't erased the pain.

"It was worse that it was me, wasn't it?" Natsu asked quietly. "Since I use fire too? I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

Gray turned his face just far enough to give his friend a smile like broken glass, even though he still couldn't meet his eyes. "Like I said, it had nothing to do with you. Anyway, it's the feeling of being pinned and trapped and helpless that's really triggering, not the fire."

The heat and flames could definitely worsen things if he was already panicking, but Natsu didn't need to know that.

"I'm so sorry," Lucy whispered finally, her voice choked with tears. "I can't believe… I'm so sorry."

Gray shrugged halfheartedly. "It's not like it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me."

That honor still went to Deliora. It seemed silly to get so worked up over something like this after watching a demon kill his family and Ur. That had always bothered him too, that he could put something that had really only affected him up near the level of something that had destroyed the lives of everyone he had cared about. And he would take the assault a thousand times over if it could undo the damage the demon did, but that didn't do anything to lessen the pain and humiliation. Maybe it wasn't the worst thing that had ever happened to him, but it still hurt like hell anyway.

"Gray… Are you okay?" Erza asked hesitantly, worry and regret palpable in her voice.

He was scared and furious and hurting. He felt as weak as he felt strong, as shamed and disgusted as he felt vindicated. He felt like the softest of wrong touches could undo him and send all his broken pieces crumbling down. He had no idea how this revelation would change the dynamic of the team, didn't want to know how his friends would look at him now and what they would think, couldn't imagine how he could face them now that they knew his shame. Right now he felt like that child again, defenseless and exposed, frightened and humiliated, broken and alone.

"Yes," he said.

Not really. But maybe I will be, someday.

Or maybe not.


Note: Every choice in this part has an internal parallel. The rapist's personality is the way it is because I don't know about you, but this is how my screwed-up mind functions. He's basically an external construct of Gray's mind and struggle against himself.

Somehow, this seemed even worse when I went back to reread and edit. If you catch some weird errors, it's because my brain started skimming over some of the worst parts, especially Gray's thoughts. I kind of hate myself for writing this x.x