A/N: ah, this ones a little bit messy. Tried making things easier by adding which scene comes where. I wont do that again. I was also going to add a reference to Cromartie High and Halo: The Fall or Reach with the line: "If you want to find out read the book!" But it just didn't happen. And I'm lazy so you're not getting it now. Laughs on you, haha.
Oh, did I mention I like anime? I do. I like Otaku's too so don't take the future comment as an insult. Seriously, just don't
NARRATOR: Last time on HAE, for the slow ones. That's Halo Abridged Evolved.
(Scene with Master Chief popping out of his pod)
MC: Tech guy, I am your fathe-OH MY GOD THAT STINGS
(The above is a MC as Darth Vader joke. Two armored dudes who come out of pods at some point)
(screen flash with cryopad warning: "wearing clothing over skin may cause cellular damage: AKA Freezer burn."
NARRATOR: back to more cut scenes
(Scene of MC meeting the Captain at the bridge)
MC: Hey keyes, do you have any cream for rashes I could...bathe in?
KEYES: Good to see you, Master Chief. Things aren't going well. Cortana told me that half the crew are from weird countries that I can't pronounce. Like Wapan were wapanese people come from.
MC: I'm also Eridanius!
KEYES:...
CORTANA: Well before he mauls you or anything. Did you sleep well?
MC: Of course, I was blaring Red versus Blue in my helmet over you're awful voice on the intercom, so I didn't have any dreams about overly naggy women who point out the obvious this time.
CORTANA: I'm going to punch you.
(Explode)
KEYES: Americans Report!
CORTANA: We just got rammed by-
MC: BowChickaBowWow
CREWMAN 1: Main Cannon is Offline!
CORTANA: Oh like we weren't screwed enough as it is.
KEYES: Alright, it's time to initiate Cole Protocol Article 2. We're abandoning the Autumn.
CORTANA: We've been under attack since before we left Reach, and you're just now initiating protocol?
KEYES: Cortana gets to go with the un-American Chief.
CORTANA: Aw man! He's just going to be quoting RvB and make anime references.
KEYES: Shut up. If the Covenant get her, they'll get everything. Our every inner most secrets, every time we took a magazine to the bathroom, or stole a cookie! Oh and Earth.
MC: If it's that dangerous, shouldn't we just destroy her?
CORTANA: You wouldn't dare.
KEYES: She's right, if we lose her, we'll be completely useless when it comes to operating complicated machinery.
MC: Damn. It's not like I'm a super soldier with high tech machinery operating training. [note: he's not being sarcastic]
CORTANA: Yank me...
MC: Hey, I thought you were girl!
CORTANA: I'm reading you're hate mai-
(Keyes pulls Cortana's chip out of the holo display and hands it to the Chief.)
MC: Keyes? I second the hate.
KEYES: Good luck Master Chief. Since you're un-American you'll need it.
(Leaving PoA scene)
FRIGHTENED MARINE: I'm going to d-oh look a penny! It's mine.
MC: (picks marine up) Not any more!
CORTANA: Hurry up. I don't want to die here! I still have porn I haven't watched!
MC: Is that's all that matters to you?
PILOT: Got to go? Aye aye sir!
MC: But I didn't say anything.
PILOT: Yea you were taking too long.
(life pod Launches)
PILOT: We're disengaged. Going to minimum safe distance.
PANICKING MARINE: Minimum? Shouldn't we go to the Maximum safe distance? Come on! I don't want to die out here!
MC: (Pats him on the shoulder) Don't worry about that. You're going to die down there not here.
(Whimper)
CORTANA: Hey look at that! It's the extremely expensive bracelet. Back off bitches it's mine.
MC: Wait? Is it sparkly?
STRAPPED-IN MARINE: It looks more like a highly advanced Alien super weapon used to destroy all life in the universe to prevent another alien species from feeding on them.
MC: That was oddly specific.
CORTANA: Fool, can't tell the difference between alien technology and far more important jewelry.
PILOT: Well whatever it is we're landing on it.
[I forgot what this stands for]CFOF MARINE: The Autumn! She's been hit!
PILOT: Well duh. We're in space with more then a dozen covenant cruisers. I'm surprised she hasn't been shot to hell already.
MC: You're cynicism burns me.
PILOT: We're entering the ring's atmosphere in five...
CORTANA: Aren't you going to sit where it's safer?
MC: Hey if Genome from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann can do it so can I!
CORTANA: If I still had a hand...I'd punch you so hard.
vrbtny: you're encouragement just got the second chapter up. Go you.
While writing Keyes' lines I totally wanted to throw in a "In America" line. But I didn't want to overdo it so I didn't. Oh well.
