A/N: ah, this ones a little bit messy. Tried making things easier by adding which scene comes where. I wont do that again. I was also going to add a reference to Cromartie High and Halo: The Fall or Reach with the line: "If you want to find out read the book!" But it just didn't happen. And I'm lazy so you're not getting it now. Laughs on you, haha.

Oh, did I mention I like anime? I do. I like Otaku's too so don't take the future comment as an insult. Seriously, just don't


NARRATOR: Last time on HAE, for the slow ones. That's Halo Abridged Evolved.

(Scene with Master Chief popping out of his pod)

MC: Tech guy, I am your fathe-OH MY GOD THAT STINGS

(The above is a MC as Darth Vader joke. Two armored dudes who come out of pods at some point)

(screen flash with cryopad warning: "wearing clothing over skin may cause cellular damage: AKA Freezer burn."

NARRATOR: back to more cut scenes


(Scene of MC meeting the Captain at the bridge)

MC: Hey keyes, do you have any cream for rashes I could...bathe in?

KEYES: Good to see you, Master Chief. Things aren't going well. Cortana told me that half the crew are from weird countries that I can't pronounce. Like Wapan were wapanese people come from.

MC: I'm also Eridanius!

KEYES:...

CORTANA: Well before he mauls you or anything. Did you sleep well?

MC: Of course, I was blaring Red versus Blue in my helmet over you're awful voice on the intercom, so I didn't have any dreams about overly naggy women who point out the obvious this time.

CORTANA: I'm going to punch you.

(Explode)

KEYES: Americans Report!

CORTANA: We just got rammed by-

MC: BowChickaBowWow

CREWMAN 1: Main Cannon is Offline!

CORTANA: Oh like we weren't screwed enough as it is.

KEYES: Alright, it's time to initiate Cole Protocol Article 2. We're abandoning the Autumn.

CORTANA: We've been under attack since before we left Reach, and you're just now initiating protocol?

KEYES: Cortana gets to go with the un-American Chief.

CORTANA: Aw man! He's just going to be quoting RvB and make anime references.

KEYES: Shut up. If the Covenant get her, they'll get everything. Our every inner most secrets, every time we took a magazine to the bathroom, or stole a cookie! Oh and Earth.

MC: If it's that dangerous, shouldn't we just destroy her?

CORTANA: You wouldn't dare.

KEYES: She's right, if we lose her, we'll be completely useless when it comes to operating complicated machinery.

MC: Damn. It's not like I'm a super soldier with high tech machinery operating training. [note: he's not being sarcastic]

CORTANA: Yank me...

MC: Hey, I thought you were girl!

CORTANA: I'm reading you're hate mai-


(Keyes pulls Cortana's chip out of the holo display and hands it to the Chief.)

MC: Keyes? I second the hate.

KEYES: Good luck Master Chief. Since you're un-American you'll need it.

(Leaving PoA scene)

FRIGHTENED MARINE: I'm going to d-oh look a penny! It's mine.

MC: (picks marine up) Not any more!

CORTANA: Hurry up. I don't want to die here! I still have porn I haven't watched!

MC: Is that's all that matters to you?

PILOT: Got to go? Aye aye sir!

MC: But I didn't say anything.

PILOT: Yea you were taking too long.

(life pod Launches)

PILOT: We're disengaged. Going to minimum safe distance.

PANICKING MARINE: Minimum? Shouldn't we go to the Maximum safe distance? Come on! I don't want to die out here!

MC: (Pats him on the shoulder) Don't worry about that. You're going to die down there not here.

(Whimper)

CORTANA: Hey look at that! It's the extremely expensive bracelet. Back off bitches it's mine.

MC: Wait? Is it sparkly?

STRAPPED-IN MARINE: It looks more like a highly advanced Alien super weapon used to destroy all life in the universe to prevent another alien species from feeding on them.

MC: That was oddly specific.

CORTANA: Fool, can't tell the difference between alien technology and far more important jewelry.

PILOT: Well whatever it is we're landing on it.

[I forgot what this stands for]CFOF MARINE: The Autumn! She's been hit!

PILOT: Well duh. We're in space with more then a dozen covenant cruisers. I'm surprised she hasn't been shot to hell already.

MC: You're cynicism burns me.

PILOT: We're entering the ring's atmosphere in five...

CORTANA: Aren't you going to sit where it's safer?

MC: Hey if Genome from Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann can do it so can I!

CORTANA: If I still had a hand...I'd punch you so hard.


vrbtny: you're encouragement just got the second chapter up. Go you.

While writing Keyes' lines I totally wanted to throw in a "In America" line. But I didn't want to overdo it so I didn't. Oh well.