Despite Peter's suggestion, they stayed there on the bathroom floor for nearly an hour. Neal didn't talk, but he didn't fall asleep either. He stayed tucked up close to Peter, fingering the edge of his shirt.
"You always have to fidget, don't you?" Peter finally asked, breaking the silence that had fallen over them. Neal looked up suddenly, his eyes hollow for a moment before he smiled a little. The smile hid that empty look in his friend's eyes, but Peter could still see it.
"I don't have to. I choose to."
"Yeah, well you did always make lousy choices." Peter chided gently. Neal smiled at him, but the smile seemed broken to Peter. It didn't seem to light up the room like it once had.
"What kind of 'lousy' choices have I been making, Agent Burke?" His voice was lined with mock innocence.
"Well, we could always start with your thefts."
"Those were great works."
"That wasn't what I meant. The choice to steal them though…" He let the sentence hang as Neal pressed himself closer subconsciously.
"That's not really a lousy choice though. C'mon, what did you mean?" Neal latched on to the topic, hoping to distract himself from the thoughts he couldn't shake.
"Well, there's always your taste in wo-" Peter caught himself, but not soon enough. The incomplete word hung heavy in the air. He could have smacked himself for saying it. He should have been more careful, he thought. Joking with Neal had taken him back to a time when that comment would have been met with a roll of the eyes and an exasperated sigh. Now though…He wasn't so sure.
Neal looked away, pretending that he hadn't heard it. But he couldn't stop the memories of his 'wrong choice' from coming back. Kate was everything he'd wanted. Up 'til about two weeks ago, everything he had done had been for her. Now, it seemed it was all for naught. He closed his eyes, letting the images that come on unbidden wash over him; he had given up on fighting it. Peter felt his partner begin to tremble. His stomach twisted into a cold knot, knowing this was his fault. Perhaps because it was his fault, perhaps because he couldn't stand to see Neal like that, Peter pulled him even closer, resting his chin on the con-artist's head.
"Shhh….It's ok, you're ok. I've got you, you're alright. Everything's gonna be ok, Neal." He murmured as Neal buried his face against Peter's chest. Peter grimaced at the idea of anyone walking in right then. 'Rule Five: Let no one find out about this. Ever.'
Finally, Neal seemed to relax again and it only took Peter a moment to realize he was asleep. He couldn't really blame him, but he couldn't exactly leave him there either. And his back was killing him.
"Neal, wake up. C'mon, I was serious when I said I wasn't letting you fall asleep in the Men's Room. Wake up." Neal looked up at Peter sleepily.
"Not asleep. Just resting my eyes."
"Sure, kid."
"Not a kid." Peter chuckled and stood slowly, shaking his head as his back popped and cracked back to normal. He was going to feel it tomorrow. Peter reached out a hand and pulled the younger man to his feet.
"Let's get you home, Neal." Neal only nodded, not daring to look up from his shoes. Home meant another night alone, filled with flashbacks or dreams. Another night of waking up with sweaty sheets tangled around him, reminding him too much of when Peter had held him back when he tried to run toward the blast. Peter watched Neal as he walked next to him on the way to the car. Neal drug his feet, walking slower than usual. "You're gonna be late for dinner if you keep going that slow. You know how El gets when we're late." Neal froze. Had Peter said that? When we're late. He looked up at Peter.
"We're going to your place?" He asked hopefully.
"Yeah. You always love El's dinner, and she's missed you lately so…You don't mind, do you?"
"No. No, that sounds great." He flashed a smile that didn't reach his eyes as he got into the car.
El had the table set by the time the two men got there. She looked at Peter with a hint of a glare at his late arrival, but her expression brightened when she saw Neal.
"Neal! You came! Oh, I'm so glad to see you. How are you doing, do you need anything?" Neal laughed a little, shaking his head.
"No, no I'm good. Doing alright."
"Neal, why don't you go wash up while Peter helps me get the food on the table, ok?" As soon as Neal was out of earshot she whispered to Peter. "He looks horrible! Peter, I thought you said he was doing alright."
"I thought he was. Today was his first day back at work, El, and to be honest, I think it was too soon."
"Did something happen?" She asked, looking at him worriedly.
"I don't know how to say this, but Neal's been having flashbacks." El's eyes widened, her mouth opening into an 'O' shape.
"Oh, Neal…Peter, he should stay here, at least until he's talked to a doctor."
"El, he's an adult. He can take care of himself-"
"What if that happened to me? Would you be able to keep it together, all by yourself?" She asked, crossing her arms. "Peter, he's lost weight, he looks like he hardly sleeps. You really let him come back to work? The poor thing needs to rest." Peter sighed. 'Rule Six: Never argue with a woman'.
"Fine. But you have to ask him." She nodded, kissing him sweetly on the cheek and then wrapping her arms around him. He sighed and held her close, glad he still could.
"Hope I'm not interrupting something." Neal joked as he walked back in. Neither of the Burke's missed the lost look in his eyes though. And now that El had pointed it out, Peter noticed that Neal had lost weight. His suit hung loosely on his frame and the shadows under his cheekbones seemed darker than normal. 'And you're an FBI agent.' Peter chided himself.
Dinner was almost painful. Neal was clearly trying to keep up his cheerful exterior, but he couldn't quite manage it. Finally, near the end of dinner and after a couple glasses of wine, he was quiet. At long last, El stood.
"Neal, it's late and I think we've all had one glass too many to drive you home. Why don't you just stay in the guest bedroom tonight?" Neal nodded, to near sleep to worry about his nightmares waking the Burke's or someone finding him crying in the middle of the night.
"Mhkay." He mumbled, his head nodding as a slightly alcohol induced sleep began to overtake him.
"Peter, I load the dishwasher if you show Neal to the guest room. And make sure you give him some pajamas, he can't sleep in that suit."
Peter led Neal upstairs and waited patiently outside the bathroom while Neal changed and brushed his teeth with a spare brush. When he finally exited, Peter was almost shocked; his partner looked so young without his suit and styled hair. Now, with only a pair of borrowed sweatpants, which Peter begrudgingly noted were too large for Neal, and his undershirt, he looked like an over-sized child. His hair fell in his face, wet from Neal running water through it. Peter showed Neal to the bedroom, pulling the door closed behind him. He went back downstairs and helped El with the dishes and then they both went to bed.
Peter awoke suddenly in the middle of the night. He had dreamt that it had been El instead of Kate in the plane, that it had been Neal holding him back. He rolled over to hold El close, but her spot was empty, cold. He sat up suddenly, his heart racing suddenly. He stood and opened the bedroom door. Before his panic could spread, he saw that the guest bedroom door was open. Taking a deep breath, he crept down the hall and into the room.
El sat on Neal's bed, holding the man as he slept in her arms. She didn't notice Peter's entrance, too caught up in soothing Neal.
"What happened?" He asked, taking his place beside her.
"I got up to go to the bathroom and heard him whimpering. He was crying in his sleep, Peter." Peter bit his lip, looking down at Neal. In the light of the bedside lamp, he could see the sweat on his face, the way his cheeks flushed and the dark bags under his eyes.
"Poor kid" He muttered, running a hand over the sweat-dampened hair. El smiled at him sadly, looking back to the young man in her arms as he stirred.
"Wha…" He looked up, face flushing brightly when he saw the married couple watching him worriedly. "Shit…" He groaned closing his eyes, hoping it was a dream. Then again, maybe not. His dreams hadn't been too pleasant of late.
"Neal, it's ok. It's fine." El whispered soothingly, her hand cupping his cheek gently. "I understand. I would hardly be functioning if I was in your place. But you don't need to be taking care of yourself all alone. Why don't you stay here for a few more days? Besides, I have a few new recipes I need to try out and you know Peter won't try them." Neal managed a smile, despite his embarrassment.
"O-ok. I mean, if it's ok with Peter." El looked up at Peter sharply. He smiled at her and then at Neal.
"Yeah, Neal. It's ok by me." 'Rule Seven: Always have your partner's back. Always.'
AN: So sorry for the long delay, but its here. Better late than never, right? Anyway, I finally have a laptop, so updates can be much, much, MUCH more frequent now. And as always, review please!
