Chapter 2: 'Making a Difference'
"Chocolate frog", Snape muttered at the gargoyle. The staircase revealed itself as he walked towards the headmaster's office.
"Come in," Dumbledore requested in answer to Snape's knock. Severus pushed open the door, the Resurrection Stone still clutched tightly in his hand.
"Oh, hello Severus," Dumbledore said brightly, though the tiredness in his voice was unmistakable. "I see you've brought back the ring just like I asked."
Snape nodded and placed the ring on Dumbledore's desk.
"So have you decided what you want to do yet?"
Although Snape knew exactly what Dumbledore was alluding to, he answered naively. "Do what, Dumbledore?" Dumbledore looked over his half moon spectacles and x-rayed the man with his blue eyes.
"I am not fooled, Severus," he answered smiling. "You know very well what."
Snape looked away from Dumbledore, thinking. In honour of Lily's sacrifice and wishes, Snape wanted- needed to heed her advice and obey Dumbledore, even if that meant tearing his soul apart.
"Fine, Dumbledore. Your plan worked. If the time ever comes, I'll kill you just as you request," Snape stated bitterly.
"My plan worked? What
plan, Severus?"
Snape sneered, "I am not fooled either
Dumbledore. You knew the stone in the ring was the Resurrection
Stone."
Dumbledore looked slightly ashamed at this, but nevertheless nodded, smiling.
"I'm happy to know
that my plans still work. Who did you resurrect?"
"I didn't
choose to resurrect anyone because I didn't know what the ring was.
Surely you realised that?"
"So whoever turned up must have
been the person or people you would have chosen had you known the
true function of the ring."
Snape nodded.
"So who was it?" Dumbledore asked as he rested his chin on his hands.
"Don't act stupid, Dumbledore; you knew who would turn up which is why you gave it to me. You knew she'd change my mind- knew that all I needed was her support…"
"So it was Lily?" Dumbledore inquired as if negotiating a business contract.
"Of course it was Lily!" Snape yelled, frustrated that Dumbledore was treating him like an unfeeling machine rather than a human being.
"There's no need to yell Severus." Dumbledore said calmly.
But Snape was beside himself. "This is all a game to you, isn't it Dumbledore? You'll do whatever you have to to get people to do what you want! I'm like a pawn in your big game and you don't even care to tell me the rules! The plan! You don't care what I experienced, how I felt when I saw Lily reawaken from Death. Hell, you even knew that I wouldn't want to resurrect her which is why you didn't tell me the ring's true power; you knew I would not want to bring her into this game of yours. You knew Lily would come to me, but the difficulty was getting me to use the thing in the first place! My naivety regarding the stone allowed your plan to work. It doesn't matter to you what she said or how she convinced me to follow your orders; all you care about is that she did- she did what you hoped she would! But that's fine, Albus; I'll do it, I'll kill you so that your plan succeeds, but I'm not doing it for you; I'm doing it for her!" Snape had stood up and was shooting daggers out of his black eyes and into the headmaster's blue ones.
Dumbledore's face had turned pale and the old wizard remained extremely still as he processed what his colleague- his friend had yelled at him. Finally he answered in a quiet tone of reason. "There is some truth in your words, Severus. Only I know how important it is that my plans succeed. But I am not being selfish; like you said earlier tonight, it is all for the greater good. If Harry is to succeed and fulfill the prophecy, I will sacrifice my trust and friendship with you if that means you'll do as I ask. This isn't about me, but the Wizarding World as we know it. I don't need to tell you what the world would be like if Voldemort survives, Severus. So all I ask is that you accept that there are some things I need you to do, not for me, not for Lily, but for every other witch, wizard and muggle who may be subjected to Voldemort's power if we fail."
"I don't care about other people; the only person I care about is Lily."
"But Lily is-"
"I know what Lily is, Dumbledore!' Snape shouted.
"What about
Harry?"
"Well if your plan works, why should I give a damn
about him? He's going to die anyway, thanks to you!"
"Yet you would do anything for Lily, who is already dead?" Dumbledore asked patiently.
"Yes, because I killed her! I have to redeem myself somehow! I want her to have a say."
"But what about your
say, Severus?"
"Who cares about what I think? If you don't,
no one else will!"
"I do care about what you-"
"Don't lie, Albus! Who cares if a few people die, get injured or have their soul torn apart if that means the Dark Lord is destroyed? I'm just one of those insignificant people who you expect to suffer for the rest of the world. Like Lily sacrificed her life! I suppose you're glad she stood in front of Harry, because if she didn't, there wouldn't be a 'chosen one', there'd be no hope for any of us."
"Lily's death was not my fault-"
"No, of course not! It was mine!" Snape yelled hysterically. "If I wasn't so weak as to obey the Dark Lord, if I had only known the traumatic consequences of my actions I would have saved the world a lot of grief. Trust me, Dumbledore, no one regrets it more than I!"
"I do not think you
should take all the credit for what has happened."
"You make
it sound like some kind of reward."
"Of course it isn't a
reward, Severus. Listen to me. If it wasn't you who found out about
the prophecy it would've been another Death Eater. Or if Voldemort
never found out, he would have been at the height of his power
several years ago, invincible against everyone, including me. If
Voldemort never found out, Harry wouldn't have been able to speak
Parseltongue and save Ginny Weasley in his second year. And if his
very essence wasn't filled with Lily's sacrifice, Quirrell would
have strangled him to death in his first year. Ironically Harry and
many others have survived because of his mother's very brave and
loving sacrifice, because you were 'weak'- as you put it.
Ultimately, Harry lives because of your mistake, Severus. One day
Voldemort will be defeated all because of you!"
"Am I supposed to feel glorified? Should I feel like a hero because I have saved the world?"
"Well it is one way to look at it, Severus."
"How can you say
that? The death of the Potters saved the world from thirteen years of
misery. To you and many others perhaps their sacrifice was worth it,
but I am sure Potter doesn't see it that way."
"I am
surprised, Severus; I never thought I would live to hear you
sympathise with Harry."
"At the moment, I find it easier to empathise with him than with you! At least Potter would understand-"
"What don't I understand?" Dumbledore asked, x-raying Snape with his bright blue eyes again.
"That they were people, Albus! Even James! They were parents, friends and members of the Order of the Phoenix. They fought for you- risked their lives for your cause and just like Potter will, Lily and James died for your stupid plan. Haven't you ever considered the possibility that while Lily's sacrifice was instrumental to your plan-"
"Are you implying that I did not care for James and Lily? That I did not mourn for their lives?" Dumbledore asked somewhat aggressively.
"No. I have no doubt that you grieved for them, perhaps you even felt slightly responsible. What I am saying is that while you may view their deaths as a good thing, some of us don't see it that way!"
"Are you including yourself in that assertion? You actually think James' death was not a good thing? That he didn't deserve it?"
Snape paused momentarily. "No, he didn't deserve it…"
Dumbledore was eyeing Snape suspiciously as if doubting his assertion.
Snape elaborated. "He may have made my life hell and he may have married Lily but no one, except perhaps the Dark Lord himself, deserves to be killed and remembered only as someone who died for the plan and the greater good. Their memories and lives deserve more than that!"
"You seem awfully upset about this, Severus. Perhaps you are afraid that you too will be remembered as an instrument rather than a human being?" Dumbledore asked kindly.
"This isn't about my fears, Dumbledore! Of course I am upset; how did you expect me to react when you asked me who I resurrected? Something so personal and you treat it like an everyday occurrence, like I'm used to the spirit of Lily Potter appearing in my office. It's not like we had a happy talk for an hour, which is probably what you thought happened. No- she yelled at me for treating her son like shit and for not moving on from James and his treatment of me. She did not understand how I could have been such a good person and then turned into someone she hardly recognised! She said that I treat all my students with indifference or strong dislike- she thinks I traumatize them on purpose! How was I supposed to tell Lily that I just don't care for anyone else but her? I'm not a terrible person…"
"Well, that's
debatable Severus."
"Fine! I am a terrible person- a coward- a
weak, pathetic human being who cares for no one but his best friend!"
"She was your best friend, but she has passed away now and besides, she was more than a friend to you." replied Dumbledore as if telling Snape where he went wrong in an arithmacy exam.
"The technicalities are unnecessary Dumbledore! The fact is I would do anything for Lily and if that means killing you at the end of this year then so be it! It will just be another credential to add to my record breaking cruelty."
"You'll be doing me a favour-"
"No, I'll be doing Lily a favour, no one else."
"Wow, Severus, your love truly is endless."
Snape froze. "Perhaps it is," Snape muttered through clenched teeth.
"I'm sure Harry would be interested to-"
"I already promised
Lily I'd tell him if I the opportunity came."
"Really?"
"What?
You think I won't keep my promise?"
"No, Severus, I do not
have any doubts about your capability to love."
"Would you
stop saying that word?"
"What? Love? It's nothing to be
ashamed of."
"I know that- I just
don't know if I can keep my promise; she asked me to be nicer to
Potter this year and I don't know if can…"
"Then perhaps
your love isn't endless; it has its boundaries; your hate for James
just overpowers your love for Lily."
"Well, thankfully Potter
didn't get high enough marks to continue Potions. Perhaps I will
hardly see him this year." Snape looked hopeful.
"Unfortunately, that won't be the case, Severus." Dumbledore answered solemnly.
"Why? What do you mean?"
"Your wish has finally been granted- I am appointing you as the Defence against the Dark Arts professor this year."
Snape paused, thinking. He had always wanted the job, but he knew, as Dumbledore did, that the position was cursed. Nevertheless, Snape thought the appointment made sense; if he was to kill Dumbledore at the end of the year, there is no way he'd be allowed to remain at Hogwarts.
"So who's going to be teaching Potions?"
"Horace Slughorn, if
I can convince him to come."
"Didn't he retire soon after I
graduated from Hogwarts?"
"Yes, but I am hoping
he will be willing to return."
"Couldn't you just keep me as
Potions Master and employ another useless Defence against the Dark
Arts teacher?"
"You surprise me,
Severus; I thought you would be delighted to get the job you always
wanted."
"I am, but why force Slughorn out of retirement?"
"Don't you like Horace?"
Snape paused, "Not really, with his stupid Slug Club-"
"Just because you weren't a member."
Snape looked angrily at Dumbledore, but suddenly felt more curious than angry. "Is there a reason why you want him to return? Is there something you aren't telling me?"
Dumbledore remained silent.
"It's a part of the plan isn't it?" Snape asked Dumbledore, demanding answers. The headmaster remained silent, but Snape was thinking fast.
"Is that why you wanted me to brew some Veritaserum?"
Dumbledore nodded.
"Very clever, Severus."
"So he knows something you don't?"
Snape asked both confused and surprised.
"I have my suspicions," Snape was about to inquire still further, but Dumbledore interrupted. "But surely you aren't complaining Severus? You always told me you wanted to teach Defence against the Dark Arts so you could dictate to the students how best to protect themselves against dark magic. You of all people should know the intricate details of the Dark Arts, having studied them extensively in your youth. Also, I think it is the perfect year for you to teach the students something so important, especially for Harry, for we can be certain a battle is coming. You will be able to help your students, yet another way to redeem yourself for your actions."
"Perhaps,"
"So
you really do care people after all, even if you don't want to
admit it."
"I care for Lily, no one else" Snape replied
dismissively.
"You may say that and
maybe it is true, but with a Patronus like yours and what it
represents, I don't think it's possible for you to not care for
others, including Harry."
Snape froze, staring avidly into
Dumbledore's eyes wondering how he could have known- perhaps he was
guessing.
"You've seen my Patronus?" Snape asked seriously.
"Yes, Severus," Dumbledore answered smiling.
"How- when?" Snape asked, panicking slightly; surely he did not get into office when he was talking to Lily.
"When you produced it
for the first time three years ago, I did not think you'd be able
to do it, but alas, I must eat my words."
"Thanks."
"There's no need to
be offended, Severus; not even you thought you could do it. It is
amazing what jealousy, determination and love can do isn't
it?"
Snape nodded.
"Anyway, as I was saying, you do care about people- perhaps very deep inside- but nevertheless you do care; it is not possible to love a woman so much and not care at all for anyone else on the planet. So if you are determined enough and if you truly love Lily you will be able to be nice to her son, just as you promised her."
Snape nodded again, lost for anything to say.
"Well I think that's all I need to say for now. If you wish, Severus, you may leave; I really need to get some rest…"
Snape slowly rose out of his chair. Realizing that his legs were taking him towards the door, Snape spun around and asked: "Albus?"
"Yes, Severus?" Dumbledore know what was coming.
"How did you see my Patronus?" I locked the door that night, just like I did tonight when I was talking to Lily in my office."
Dumbledore smiled, "there are ways of opening a locked door, Severus; you just have to know what the door is hiding." Snape looked shocked, astounded that he still had so much to learn about the intricacies of magic.
"And Lily was right, Severus, you have changed," Dumbledore's eyes glittered as Snape's opened wide with amazement and surprise, "but that is all a part of the plan."
As Dumbledore ascended the stairs to his sleeping quarters, Snape stood at the office door, his hand on the door knob, lost in thought.
Suddenly, Snape shouted after Dumbledore: "So tell me then, what is my Patronus?"
Dumbledore paused at the top of the stairwell, turned around and faced his friend, smiling again.
"I have seen that Patronus many times, Severus. I always thought Lily's doe was absolutely beautiful. But when I saw the doe coming out of your wand, somehow she was more radiant, more pure and much more beautiful. I never thought it possible; a Patronus being created by a wizard who was normally so full of contempt and hate. I was pleasantly surprised; I knew you loved Lily, you told me so the night we joined alliances, but that- that is much deeper than love, Severus…" Dumbledore continued to walk around the corner, towards his bedroom.
Snape continued to stare after the headmaster, still lost in thought; perhaps the headmaster knew him better than he ever gave him credit for? After all, people can't be a part of your plan if you don't understand them. Though Dumbledore didn't say it as such, his plan, as Snape realised, wasn't to save the world but to encourage that desire in others. Snape felt sure that one day, Harry, like his parents before him, will be forced to die for the greater good. But at that moment, as he stood in Dumbledore's office, Snape felt sure that if given the choice between their own lives or those of their friends and the rest of the wizarding world, each of them would have chosen the lives of many millions of people over their own.
Maybe Dumbledore wanted him to realise that some people, like Lily and James, are willing to make that sacrifice…
Snape shook himself free of his reverie and let himself out of Dumbledore's office. As he walked towards the dungeons once again Lily's young, fourteen year old voice echoed in his ears: "you can be so much better than them, Sev! While they may not realise that there is more to life than themselves and their power, you know different! The world is so much bigger than us! Your decision to leave your friends really can make all the difference! Listen to me, Sev! We can make a difference!"
Snape sat at his desk, his head resting in his hands as Lily's words continued to cycle around his mind.
If only I listened to her.
But he didn't; he didn't have enough courage to leave the power the Dark Arts afforded him.
While Snape may still be mad at Dumbledore for using Lily as a ploy to get him to cooperate, he also realised that the headmaster valued her sacrifice and knew she was a person, as he did. But as Severus was beginning to realise, her death, as Dumbledore already knew, made a difference- something she always believed she could do… something he could do.
Happy that he had managed to do something that Lily asked of him, Snape smiled to himself as he went to bed.
I made a difference…
