Chapter 2: Keep Holding On

"You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in" : Avril Lavigne

I haven't slept in weeks. Kiefer was arrested and then released on bail. Now I have to play the waiting game. Investigators and lawyers and all the questions are turning me into a semi-functioning zombie. My eyes have dark purple rings underneath them, my face is pale and sunken in and I feel that if I eat anything it will come right back up. Fear can do crazy things to a person and I wish I never knew what fear felt like. I wish I never even heard the word. I'm under strict curfews and the watchful eye of the hawk- I mean my mother of course. But tonight I managed to escape "the eye" and take a walk. I find myself at the pier just looking out at the dark blue water with the reflection of the moon shimmering in the ripples of the weak tide. There's almost complete silence, just a few crickets sing their song from the bushes lining the pier and I just continue to stare and listen. Anything is better than having your every move watched with an arched, albeit perfectly manicured, brow. I can't breathe without being asked if I'm ok. I can't get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom without being followed. I wish they would just get it over with and wrap me in newspaper and pack me away like you do with all glass collectibles. I understand and I am grateful don't get me wrong, but I'm sick and tired of it. I know what happened to me, I was there, but I need to be allowed to heal. I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist, I don't want sleeping pills, I just want to handle this my way. I'm not pretending it didn't happen I just don't want it to swallow and drown me. I just need time!

The crickets grow tired and quiet and I'm left with just the thoughts in my head. Although not suicidal, I'm wondering what it would feel like to just jump in and let the water wash over me for a while. Will it carry away this tired feeling; will it heal the bruises that have stubbornly lingered behind? Will the tide be strong enough to pull Kiefer under? Will it drown his face from my memory? Will it scare away the nightmares? There are no answers to be found here, just the rhythmic sloshing of the water against the barriers of the pier. All I need is time!

A cool wind blows through me, but I do not shiver. I hear shuffled footsteps behind me, but I do not move. I would know that walk anywhere. "Hey Ethan." Not even missing a beat and with no surprise in his voice,

"Hello Love." His arms come around me, blocking the cold that had just started to set in. "Am I going to have to pull a Titanic move and say, if you jump I jump?" By now, were sitting on the wooden boards of the pier looking out into the expanse of water and moonlight.

"I thought about it, but it's better now that you're here." I snuggle, yes snuggle, into his back and rest my head comfortably on his shoulder.

"You'll get through this love; you just need time to process. You know, the feelings and the questions, uh all those questions. But you'll do it. There's no rush, at least not from my end."

"Well having you hear makes it worth it. And before you start, I'm not saying you're the sole reason for me to get through this, but wanting to be with you, with nothing between us, gives me that extra jolt to push through all this shit. It's just so exhausting. When I'm with you, I don't have to talk, you don't ask me five hundred times if I ok, or if you can get me anything. You're just with me and that's all I need. I go home and its question after question, 'is anyone at school whispering- do the bruises still hurt, did the doctors tell you when they would go away?' and on and on it goes. It's exhausting." I slump into his embrace, suddenly slightly tired.

"I know that if you want to talk, you will. And when you do I'll listen."

"Well, I applaud your skills just now. I appreciate it. I can rant and you let me. I will be sure to return the favor."

"Oh, I'm counting on it love. I'm letting it all fester and build up and one day, BOOM, I will rant and rant and all you'll do is listen." His laugh rumbles deep in his chest and I kiss him on the cheek and snuggle closer to his warm body. This banter and laughter between us is comfortable and easy. We've decided not to be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship just yet, I'm still just shy of eighteen and we are just building our foundation. But that does not mean we don't get to kiss and cuddle, so whether it's just on the cheek, or right smack on the lips, if I get the chance I'm cat like and I will pounce. We continue to sit and rock and he doesn't ask if I'm cold or if I want to head back home. I'll let him know when I'm ready.

"Just remember love, hold on. I'll be here when you need me, or I'll be gone if you don't. Either way, you're stronger than you think. Time does heal all wounds; you just need to give yourself that time." We kiss and I can't seem to keep my tongue in my mouth and he doesn't seem to mind and after an eternity we stand up, brush the back of our pants off, take a hold of each other's hands and make our way back home. If I just hold on to his hand, I'll make it through.

"Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend": Avril Lavigne