A/N: Last part. Is short, but it had to be done. Spoilers for the end of the final season, I guess? (this old, can it even be called a spoiler anymore?)
Shinra knew why people felt like they would die when someone they loved left them. It was something Izaya had never been able to understand when they were young- heck, maybe it was something he'd never understood. Shinra didn't think he'd ever explained it to him either way. He knew, though, the answer to his friend's question. When someone left you, it hurt. It hurt so much that you couldn't breathe, or eat, or sleep, or even dream of a future in which you didn't hurt because of their absence.
He knew all of that because that was how he'd felt at the prospect of losing Celty, and unlike the teenagers Izaya had toyed with, he may have actually gone through with the whole dying thing if she'd decided to leave him. After all, without her, what was there for him to live for?
But she'd stayed. Sure, she was furious with him to the point they weren't really speaking, but she wasn't leaving either, so Shinra would live. He'd assumed that she would stay with him despite how cruelly he'd acted towards her, and how selfish he'd been, because he knew that was just who Celty was. She didn't abandon the ones she loved, even when those people were more monstrous than she. It was just another reason Shinra loved her.
Shinra didn't think he'd ever explained any of that to Izaya, either.
The thought nudged something within him and Shinra felt his heart constrict oddly.
He'd gotten the call from Kadota two days ago, explaining what had happened between Shizuo and Izaya. How Shizuo had finally caught Izaya, and Izaya had finally lost. How nobody had been able to find Izaya since then.
Shinra didn't remember how or when that call ended after that. He'd been unsure of how he should've felt about the information. He'd always bet that eventually either Izaya or Shizuo would snap and they would end up killing one another, so hearing that it had finally happened… well, it hadn't surprised him. What surprised him was the fact that Izaya had tried to go up against Shizuo in a physical one-on-one fight and thought he could make it out alive. He'd had to have known it was a suicide mission.
Perhaps that was exactly what it had been. Perhaps Izaya had known that. Perhaps he'd finally stopped caring. They had all reached the point where Izaya was no longer the most important person in their lives- well, Shinra had reached that point the moment Celty began paying him the slightest bit of attention, but the others had still indulged the informant. But it seemed after some time, apparently even Shizuo had found someone that wasn't Izaya to take up his time. That, and Saika had taken a lot of "his" humans. Maybe it had all gotten to be too much for his friend and Izaya had snapped. Shinra supposed he'd never know now.
He hadn't told Celty of the broker's fate yet. She had never liked Izaya, and at the moment, she didn't really like him either, so he doubted she would give one iota to whether he lived or died. If he was honest with himself, Shinra was surprised he'd given so much time already to thinking about Izaya, wondering if he was actually dead, or if he'd snuck off to get patched up…
If there was still someone out there willing to help him.
I'm right here.
If he could've seen his friend right then, maybe he would've said that. It kind of stung, hearing that Izaya had been fatally injured and he hadn't bothered limping over to get help. It brought back memories long forgotten, of when Izaya had once admitted that he'd never allow another doctor near him. Maybe anger was what he was feeling towards his friend. Anger that he hadn't come to him in his time of need. Although, at the same time, Shinra decided it probably wasn't anger stirring within him, because he doubted he would've had much time to help Izaya if he had shown up at his door. Having just gotten Celty back and all the responsibilities that came with that, he hadn't been in much of a mood to deal with anyone else. If Izaya was still out there, maybe he'd deduced that, and that was why he'd not come knocking.
That didn't explain why he hadn't taken the time to give him a call and let him know he was still alive and kicking.
That was what concerned Shinra the most. Izaya had never been shy about bugging him over the smallest of things -like informing of a rather nasty papercut- or the bigger ones, like when he'd been stabbed and had called him from the hospital. The fact that he hadn't so much as sent him a text made Shinra begin to believe the rumors that the informant had finally been taken down in every sense of the manner.
He shouldn't have been bothered by that, though. Shinra had always appreciated Izaya's friendship, because without it, Celty may never have approved of him and gotten close to him, but Shinra hadn't really thought his feelings extended past that line. Yet he couldn't deny that he did feel something, and it was beyond the sympathy he sometimes felt for the people who lost loved ones in his office.
No, what he felt was closer to what he imagined he'd have felt if Celty actually had gotten mad enough to leave him for good. Well… maybe it wasn't that bad, but… Shinra's frown deepened as he settled on the couch. It was impossible to deny that he felt the smallest bit of upset when he thought about Shizuo killing his best friend- And that was what Izaya had been, wasn't it? Now that he thought about it, no other word really fit. They'd always referred to one another as friends, but in the beginning, that had only been because Shinra had been encouraged to find humans he could get along with. After all, Shizuo had been one of those humans and he had never made it past the more-or-less superficial friendship stage.
Izaya, though, that was another story. Izaya was the one who had understood him, even if he hadn't agreed with his choice in partner- being as uninterested in "monsters" as he was contributed to that, probably. Izaya had been interesting from day one and had never really stopped fascinating him, though he had eventually stopped paying so much attention to the man. He had wormed his way past "friend" and moved up the chain without Shinra's say so, which he supposed was typical Izaya fashion, so he couldn't even be mad about that.
Shinra tried to recall the time when he'd first noticed that change in status but found he couldn't pinpoint the exact moment. One day their dynamic had just… shifted. It hadn't been a huge shift either, but it had been noticeable enough that his beloved, and even his father, had commented on it, asking when he and Izaya had gotten so close. The way they'd said it had made Shinra feel the need to defend his choice in picking Izaya to remain loyal to. His dad had laughed. Celty had only shook her neck and walked off.
They hadn't been able to understand, which was fine, because neither had Shinra.
He dozed off while thinking about how he'd gotten entangled in the life if his probably-dead-friend, and when he woke again, it was because images of a much younger, happier Izaya, grinning secretly before leaning in much too close to his face taunted him.
Shinra shifted on the couch so his legs were on the floor and he could rest his head in his hands, a heavy sigh dragging itself from his lungs. He'd forgotten about that. Not about that day, but about that kiss. In the long run it hadn't meant anything for him or his future relationships with anyone. It hadn't changed his and Izaya's friendship in any drastic sort of way -though it had changed it-, and it hadn't given him any more sexual experience than he could've gotten on his own. The moment had not made a huge impact on him. At least, he'd thought that up until right then.
He felt almost guilty for remembering it, but then he realized that while Celty was out of the house, checking up on Shizuo and sorting through her feelings, it didn't really matter what things he thought about. In fact, now that he thought about it, nothing mattered. Everything that had been building up within the city had finally come to a head, there were no more wars, or patients to look after, or schemes to be pulled into. There were no trains that needed catching, or wounds that needed tending to, or fights to break up. There was no Izaya, after all. So nothing of that regard really mattered.
It didn't matter if he remembered the day they kissed, or the days after that. It didn't matter if he decided that was the day he'd started liking Izaya as a friend even more, because he'd gotten to see a side of him that nobody else had. It didn't matter that through the crazy antics Izaya had pulled after that moment, he'd gotten him to fall for him just enough to consider him the second most important person to him after Celty. It didn't matter because…
Because Izaya was more than likely dead by now.
That thought made his heart pang sadly in his chest and he wondered when his dearest Dullahan would be back so that he could ask her how to get rid of the ugly dark thing that was clawing at his eyes and making them mist up behind his glasses. He wanted her back because he couldn't stand the sudden wave of pain that hit him and made him want to curl up on the couch and sob until his throat ached. He wanted her to get home already so he could beg her to find Izaya, because the bastard had been right- he had been able to get him to love him. Maybe not in the way he'd originally intended, but perhaps in the way he'd needed all along. And right then, he didn't care if he never spoke to Izaya again, he just wanted a definite answer of whether or not he was alive, because it was the not knowing that was going to kill him, and if anything, it made him miss him even more.
He didn't call Celty though, because she'd told him she would be back when she was back and to not call her, and it would be a bad idea to ignore her wishes after taking her head away in what was possibly the most selfish moment of his life.
Shinra took a deep breath to halt the hitch in his throat instead, and resisted the urge to lay down on the couch and give into his desire to mourn. He couldn't do something like that now, because he didn't know whether or not the reaction was warranted yet. He refused to cry for Izaya Orihara when he didn't even know for sure if there was need to.
Maybe, just maybe, the reason he hadn't gotten a call yet was because his injuries had been bad enough that he couldn't use his arms. Maybe he'd fallen into a coma. Shinra could only hope.
He didn't know who had the information he was looking for at that point, but that didn't stop him from pulling his phone out and looking for a familiar name. He settled on Simon first and clicked the call button. If anyone would have any idea where Izaya might be, dead or alive, it would probably be him. For some reason Izaya had grown to trust the Russian just a little. But a little trust from Izaya was all it would take, Shinra hoped.
One way or another, Shinra would find his reckless excuse of a friend, because if he was alive, he had a lot of explaining to do, and if he wasn't… well, Shinra supposed he'd been promised a body…
(He ignored the sniffle that escaped him when he thought about that and did his best to sound chipper when Simon finally answered.)
