I tossed again counting to 20 in my head, I was so restless and I just wanted to go back to sleep but I couldn't. My incessant dream made me anxious and unsettled with myself. I tried to turn on my side and I wrap my arms around me, running them up and down my arms imagining it were his. I clamp my eyes shut and started trying to pant as though I was catching my breath. That was the part of the dream I didn't get to and it made me feel strange inside knowing that the girl in my dream seemed to know more about what she wanted than I did. I turned again, spreading my arms out on the large double bed, frustrated that I couldn't re capture the feeling again on my own.
So I turned one last time, planting my face in the middle of the pillow, and thought about my dream again.
I ran my fingers down his back, he shuddered and I smiled at his reaction
"I will..." leaning down he placed a kiss on my neck, then my collar bone. My heart sped up, his hands tickled my outer thigh and I sighed in tortured bliss.
"Love you like this forever" he whispered looking up at me, he let his lips trail from my collar bone to the top of my breast. I struggled not to squirm; I loved how he made me feel.
"I'm never.." he trailed off again, tracing a line down my stomach. I smiled at how he was trying to get me to concentrate on what he was saying while he tortured me with his tongue. He loved doing that.
"...Going to love anyone like you" his voice was sad, taken back by his sudden intensity I stroked my fingers through his hair soothingly, I couldn't think of any words so I simply nodded and tried to convey my happiness to him with a look.
"Elena.." he shook his head and his lips closed over my nipple, I thought about his mouth, I thought about his words, I thought about my heart swelling as he soothed my skin. I wanted more, I wanted him again.
Just as my fingers drifted to thread through his hair, my breath was long past casual. He looked up just as I looked down on him. He grinned at me and kissed his way down my breasts, to my belly. Just the thought of him moving down my body, his lips wet, his tentative tongue drawing love hearts on his journey down my smooth naval. I ached for him, and he let out a low warm chuckle on my skin like he knew it.
"mmm, I want to make you feel like you make me feel Elena" his tongue dipped into my belly button and I gasped as he lightly nipped and massaged the skin of my abdomen.
I groaned and closed my eyes, simultaneously pushing my hips up and pushing his head down...
That dream always ended around there and I didn't know if I was thankful or disappointed. I jerked up and flung my legs over the bed.
I walked out of my room with the intention of visiting the freezer in the basement, but when I passed his room I hesitated. For some reason, I convinced myself that I should go up there and give out to him for his part in making me feel like I did. I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to make all of our stupid memories nothing to him and give him no hope whatsoever.
I knew he was asleep because of his breathing but I didn't want to admit to myself that I just wanted to see him. When I opened the second door at the top of the stairs I stood there a moment and watched him. I tried to stifle my smile, but he looked so adorable in the way he was sleeping. His biker boots were still on and his belt buckle was open along with the buttons on his jeans. I could see he was wearing grey boxer briefs, and I unconsciously licked my lips at the sight of them. His shirt had ridden up and I could see the skin of his abdomen right up to his belly button. Humanity aside, Stefan was delicious, anyone would be lucky to even see the perfection of his body.
I could smell whisky coming from his breath even as I stood at the doorway, which would explain why his boots were still on and his body was strewn along the bed with the linens tangling at his legs. I made my way around the left side of the bed, hoping he had consumed enough tonight not to stir from my close movements. I felt t a sort of piece being near him, and I wanted to lie for a second and just rest. I slowly lowered myself on the bed, being careful not to dip the mattress too fast. If he woke up I would be mortified.
Stefan took a deep breath and swallowed so I took that as a signal that he would not be waking soon. I rolled my eyes like I didn't care, but when I turned to my side and saw his peaceful face breathing lowly, something inside me began to hurt. I pressed my lips together, and I felt a prickle behind my eyes, he was so close that I could touch him. My hand moved up the linen and I softly grazed my index finger against his pinky. What was I doing? I guffed inwardly.
My eyes went back to his sleeping face and a sigh of relief passed through my lungs, just a few minutes and I would leave, I told myself. My eyes got heavy and I let myself close them for a second promising myself I wouldn't fall sleep.
When I woke up, I was a little surprised to find myself wrapped up in a white duvet and my view wasn't exactly what I was expecting. It was like waking up as my human self; I looked at the night stand beside me and saw a bracelet I had left here months ago and the clock reading 11am. Shit!
As the realization that I had fallen asleep on Stefan's bed started to hit me, I noticed that there was something heavy wrapped around my waist. I looked down to see Stefan's hand intertwined with mine, and when I shifted I could feel his body pressed against my back. I panicked for a second, wondering how I could get out of this unseen. I freed the arm that was trapped under my head and began shifting my body away from his.
"Wait" I could hear a whisper near my ear. My heart thudded knowing he was awake. What would he say? I was so scared that he would make me feel again; I wanted nothing more than to run away right now, I just wanted to forget about him and never look back.
"I need to go Stefan" I replied lowly, intending for my answer to sound harsh but my voice was unconvincing. I could hear him tense, his body was rigid against mine, but his arm tightened against me and it took everything inside me not to lean closer to him. I could feel his eyes on me from behind, and it burned my skin knowing he was trying to accept that I wanted to leave. He took a breath as if he was going to say something but he didn't, after a few moments he finally spoke.
"Can we just pretend for a little while" he asked, his voice was on the verge of breaking, and I was confused as to why he wanted to pretend. Maybe he had the same dream I had when I woke last night, too. Maybe it haunted him like it haunted me for hours afterwards. I decided to indulge him for a little while, reasoning with myself that it would benefit me too if I could sleep some more. And at first I was uncomfortable, because I didn't know what to do. But as his breathing evened and his body began to relax, I could feel myself curling up a little more into his arms and moving closer to his warm breath against my neck. After a while, his fingers stroked the skin on my arm and I wanted to purr against him.
My mind drifted to whether his jeans were still undone, I wondered if he had taken them off to make himself more comfortable and my stomach did that warming feeling again near my core. Just thinking about him...there...was tantalizing. I wanted to touch him right now. But I knew it wasn't a good idea.
I turned in his arms hoping I could shift my thoughts somewhere else, but that was a bad idea. I was resting on his chest now, and the smell was intoxicating, I loved his male odour even though it was mixed with bourbon I still closed my eyes and smelled again discreetly memorizing his scent.
I could hear his heart beat faster as my face turned into the soft material of his shirt, and it made me nervous. I wanted to know why but then again I didn't. I was still trying to understand why his arms made me feel so good.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked huskily, I didn't mean for it to sound so suggestive but somehow it did, and his heart beat faster. I wondered if it was because of our closeness or the way I asked the question that his heart was racing like he had been running.
He didn't respond for a long time, and I slid the hand that was resting casually on his lower back down to the curve at his hip and he shifted slightly.
"I was thinking...about kissing you" it was just a straight answer. He didn't say it like he expected me care about it, he said it like it was a far away memory that he was revisiting for a moment. But just the thought of him thinking about it made electricity travel down to my core and I swallowed hard, trying to push that feeling away. I didn't know what to say so I simply buried my head in his chest and let out a long sigh.
"Please don't" I said, muffling my response into his shirt. I could feel him nodding against me and I wanted just for a second to believe that I would be okay if I let myself truly feel what I had buried deep inside of me.
He held me tight, gingerly running his fingers through my hair and my hands travelled under his shirt and I felt the smooth skin of his lower back. I could hear myself humming but I was distracted by the feel of him to really care that he had turned me on my back. His lips were pressed to the skin of my neck and I unconsciously moved a little to let him nuzzle there. I know asked him not to kiss me, but technically he wasn't. We were just pretending, and I was okay with that. I closed my eyes and absorbed the feel of him, wondering how a few moments ago I felt uncomfortable with him holding me close to him.
His nose ran up and down the sensitive flesh on my neck, his lips grazing closely behind and it made my breathing shift from my relaxed lackadaisical response to his touches to something a little more ferverent. I shifted a little more and the blanket snapped back from where it was caught between our bodies, I could tell now he was, in fact, still wearing those jeans and I groaned when his legs spread apart and the section that was not buttoned was suddenly pressed between my legs.
Oh god.
I stilled and I knew he noticed my reaction to how we ended up like this, actually I wondered myself how we ended up in this position. He began looking at me in the eyes like he was hoping he could find something in them, and I want to look away from his blazing gaze so badly but I can't and I can feel my eyebrows twitching in my stubbornness to not look away.
He brings his fingers to my lips and begins tracing them, slowly. It feels so incredible; I'm too scared to breathe in case he might stop.
"Sorry" he whispered gently, removing his fingers and squeezing his eyes shut
"I keep think about it" he presses his head into my neck and I'm starting to realize I've been thinking about kissing him too ever since he told me about what he was thinking. And I could tell it was so hard for him to pretend with me, I must have looked so real to him when he woke up and saw me sleeping next to him, and I silently cursed myself for hurting him. I'm not the same person he was once in love with and pretend or not that was the reality of this situation.
He lowers his mouth to the side of my head and I'm secretly hoping he presses his lips on my neck again, but he does one better. His lips press to my ear and he whispers
"I keep thinking about your kiss" I was holding a breath, and it shakily escaped me after he said that. His lips are at my neck again and it's hard for me to believe that this is pretend too. This seems more like passion then pretend, and I want so badly to tell him I feel it, but I can't. My teeth are clamped over my lower lip and my fingers have become rakes against his back.
I remember for a second why I didn't want this to happen and shake my head no, but just barely. He kisses my cheek and trails soft kisses around my mouth; I shake my head again and keep my eyes closed because I'm afraid of what I'll see when I open them. What truth will be revealed behind Stefan's expressive gaze.
He runs his nose all the way up to my jaw line and he's breathing just as heavily as I am, when he returns to my ear again kissing it lightly and turning his head to look at me, I open my eyes and he looks like he's about to speak, but he doesn't. Something passes between us in that second and my nerves are shot from every sensation that is him. From my head all the way down to my toes, my entire body and soul is screaming for him and I can feel a tear burning behind my eyes. I'm so stuck, I'm so miserable in this limbo that I feel literally trapped between two different worlds.
I place my hand on his neck and when I do I can feel his skin shiver from my finger tips. His tongue meets my neck and when I moan it send his body into a flurry of passion. He's kissing me harder now and I want him to, my eyes roll back when he comes up for air but trails his tongue all the way to my chin. And I know he's having a hard time kissing me, and it's starting to bother me how much I want to kiss him too.
Panting heavily he moves up my body and our eyes are in line, our lips a few inches apart, and he's looking at me like he's missed me for years. I surprise myself when I sigh and pull his head down so that our foreheads are touching. His hips turn and a little more weight falls in between my legs in that perfect way that we both groan. All of him, I can feel all of him on every nerve ending and I run my fingers though his hair and close my eyes. He starts slowly rocking against me and even though I'm wearing jeans and he's still in his boxer briefs, my mind trails off to the dream I didn't get to finish. I bite my lip and imagine him inside me, I imagine his length filling me whole and pushing me to the brink.
When I open my eyes, I can see his are open and watching me, he's still slowly rocking against me and every time he does our lips brush. Were not kissing but our lips are grazing so softly, I can feel mine tremble in a battle not to kiss him.
He shifts his hips again, and when he does it causes my head to roll back and my legs to tighten around his thighs.
"Oh Stefan" I wasn't even really aware that I was talking anymore, when I opened my eyes again his hands were on either side of my face, brushing my hair behind my ears. I'm looking at him in the eyes now, and the way he's looking at me doesn't scare me, actually it makes this all so real.
His rocking slows and my heart starts beating even faster at the thought of him stopping. I reach for the hand now placed on the pillow beside my head and plead with him with my eyes.
"Don't" I whisper so lowly I can barely hear it myself though our rushed breaths and the pounding of my heart. And it's such a definite feeling within me that I don't want this to stop. His eyes look worried, but then he swallows hard and takes a deep breath. I catch a glimpse of relief in his eyes before he starts kissing my cheek again, my jaw, my neck. Anywhere but my lips, like I asked.
He's moving faster against me now, reading so expertly how much I'm building, kissing me faster as my breathing becomes more erratic. And I'm holding my breath, and my hips flex up and were moving at a pace that's sort of embarrassing considering were both still wearing clothes. But I don't care, he stops kissing my neck and looks down on me, watching me. He's breathless, too and his small groans are making it hard to hold off this impending climax.
We're looking at each other, and I'm thinking about making love to him, I'm thinking about how good it would feel to have him inside me. I try to keep my eyes open, but the thought makes my eyes flutter closed and I fist the sheets at my sides and hear myself cry his name softly into his ear. I'm shaking as he rocks against me, I'm blissfully aware that he's telling me he loves me and that thought scares me for a split second, but I'm still rolling my hips into his, humming a positive response as my body uncoils in the slowest most tantalizing orgasm I have ever had. Even as he grinds his hips slowly up and down my core a ripple of pleasure courses through me and I'm so helpless right now. I can feel my grip like a vice around his neck and hair. I can hear myself panting so hard. That. Was. Amazing! His head is bent into my neck and somehow I'm watching myself from above and seeing what's happening. Fuck
I'm panicking. Did i really just...do that? Did i really just say and do these things with Stefan. My outer body experience is fucking with my head and the tears are rolling down my cheeks now and I can see a blurred image of Stefan looking at me. His voice is trying to penetrate my sudden panic attack.
"Elena" I can hear distantly. But I feel myself getting up, I feel the sobs rushing through me and I'm running out of this room, far away. My throat is so dry and I feel this pain inside me that I haven't felt in a long time. I can't. I can't do this.
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