A/N: Right, well.. here's chapter one. And yeees, the names are very Swedish.

Pronounciation:

Lollo (Lulu)

Manda (like "panda", but with an M)

Natta (kind of like "nada")

Tuldus (Tulle-does)

Wera (pronouced with a V, even though it's spelled with a W)

Enjoy!


Puff – the Pathetic Parody

Chapter One
Rocks and reflexes

In the calm and quiet morning, one could hear Wera running around, screaming and shouting maniacally. Tuldus was snatched out of her sleep by this, and realised in her complete morning-confusion that she was lying upside-down with her head on the floor in the backseat of an unknown car. In confusion and a bit of panic, she tried to rise, but hit her head in the back of the driver's seat which was lowered right above her. On this seat, Lollo was lying, and she woke up by the muffled bang.

"What the…?" Lollo groaned and squinted with her eyes. She didn't notice that she was actually sitting in a car, so she put her feet down from the steering wheel and straightened herself to a sitting position. She leaned her chin against the wheel and looked out the windscreen. To her surprise, she saw Wera running back and forth, screaming and shouting. All of a sudden, Wera was running straight towards her with panic all over her face. She rammed the car door next to Lollo with her hands and her face smashed against the window. Lollo jumped surprised over to the passanger's seat. By this brutal waking, she suddenly realised that she was actually sitting in an unknown car. In pure terror, she opened the door and threw herself out of the car. "Wera!" she shouted, panicked. Wera ran up to her, just as panicked. Lollo grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "Hat's whappening?"

"What?" Wera asked confused.

"I mean 'what's happening'," Lollo said and shook her head.

"Ahaaa!" Wera said with a yes-I-know-I'm-stupid-tone. "Well, I was there… and then… and now… and I… and then…" And then she fell to the ground.

Lollo's panic was vanished, and she looked down on Wera with a raised eyebrow. Wera bounced back up to her feet and brushed the dirt off of her.

"You were saying?" she asked, perfectly normal.

"I was asking what was happening," Lollo replied, still with a raised eyebrow.

"Well," Wera said, "I woke up in an unknown car." She looked at Lollo and shrugged her shoulders.

"But," Lollo said, "where are the others?"

"Natta and Tuldus are asleep in the backseat," Wera said.

"What about Manda?"

"She was snoring, so I put her in the boot."

Lollo shook her head. "Why doesn't that surprise me?" she muttered. "Why were you yelling?"

Wera didn't answer this, but started to wander around. "Did you notice the giant castle over there?"

"Wera, could we please focus on this subject?" Lollo asked annoyed. "Where are we?"

"No, I'm serious!" Wera continued. "It's a huge castle over there! Look!"

Lollo sighed frustrated and looked where Wera was pointing. To her devastation she realised that Wera was actually right; up on a hill there was a huge and majestic stone castle. One the one side of the hill, there was a lake, and on the other, there was a forest. In the middle, there were huge green plains.

"So…" Lollo asked, "what do we do now?" Right at that moment, they were joined by Natta and Tuldus.

"Where are we?" Natta asked.

"Wow, it's so beautiful here!" Tuldus gasped.

"We don't know where we are yet," Lollo said. "Let's go back to the car."

When they returned to the car, they could hear dull banging and shouting.

"What's that noise?" Wera asked.

Lollo raised one eyebrow. "Well, could it be your best friend you put in the boot, or am I completely fumbling in the dark here?" Her sarcasm could be recognised miles away. Unfortunately, Wera was beyond those miles.

"What?" she gasped. "Manda's in the boot?"

"Wera, how many hours of sleep did you get last night?" Lollo asked.

"Hey guys," Natta said, "maybe we should let her out?" The dull banging had become more frenetic and desperate. "At least it seems like she'd like that…"

Tuldus hurried to open the boot of the car.

"What took you so long?" Manda spat in her usual cheerful morning mood.

"Well, I'm sorry," Tuldus snorted, "but I wasn't the one who put you there! Wera was!"

"Wera!" Manda growled. But Wera didn't answer, because she, Lollo and Natta were all looked up towards the big castle. Manda and Tuldus joined the trio to enjoy the view.

"Wow," Manda gasped. "Where are we?"

"We don't know," Lollo said.

Suddenly, a big, fluffy head appeared behind a small hill.

"Hey, look!" Lollo said. "People! Come, let's say hi and we'll ask him where we are!" Lollo took a step forwards, but the sudden silence behind her worried her a bit. She turned and saw that the other four had all run back to the car in pure terror. "Wait for me!" she shouted and followed. They hid behind the car and watched how the head grew. All of a sudden, the head became a man. But, the man wasn't a man; it was a giant. Close to three feet tall and four feet wide, if the teenagers could measure themselves. Behind him, there was a whole group of teenagers in their own age. They came closer and closer. Wera was at the far end and looked over the hood. The other sat crouched behind the full body of the car. But, the closer the group came, the more Wera mover back towards the others, and almost pushed Lollo out on the other side.

"Stop pushing!" Lollo hissed, but Wera didn't listen. "Stop it!" This resolved in a fight where Lollo pushed to the one side and Wera pushed to the other. But, Lollo was stronger. However, the real pain was caused to the poor three in the middle. Wera was pushed out with a shrill yell and clashed into a group of four boys. One of them, a blond, jumped aside so that Wera bounced against the well-fed belly of one of the other three boys. With a small groan, she fell to the ground.

"Ouch," she said shortly and bitterly with her eyes closed. "That rock was not there last time I checked!" She squinted with her one eyed, afraid of being dazzled by the sun, but was horrified when she saw a large boy leaning over her with a stupid look. Like a rubber ball, she bounced back up. She fixed her pink nightgown and her elegantly curly, dark brown hair and then folded her arms. She eyed the large boy, who wasn't much taller than herself, and then a scornful smirk spread across her lips. "Oh, was it just you?" She laughed and shook her head. "Well, that explains things." She turned, but was surprised as she faced a rather broad chest. "What the…?" she said and looked up. She met a pair of cold, grey eyes. The blond boy that had jumped aside looked down upon her in disdain.

She frowned and said; "Well, I bet it would have hurt to land in your face." She then rose to her toes and spoke just as loudly as if she had been speaking to a deaf, old man, just to be sure the boy heard her last, and most meaningful word; "Rocky." She gave him a light pat on the shoulder before she turned her back on him. She brought her hands together and looked at the others with an iffy smile. "So," she said. "Could anyone tell me where I am?" At that moment, someone grabbed her by the shoulder and spun her around. It was the blonde boy again. His cold eyes were even colder, and it gave Wera an uncomfortable feeling she did not like. "Excuse me, but I wasn't talking to you," she said nonchalantly. "Rocky," she added and wiggled her eyelashes before she turned again. This time, she didn't make it all around until the hand on her shoulder once again guided her back. The cold eyes were now freezing.

"Do you have any idea of who I am?" he growled lowly.

"No," Wera said thoughtfully, "but if I were to describe you, I would say that you were a tall, blonde, overly aggressive bloke who's apparently on… steroids, or whatever, and puts his nose where it doesn't belong." She gave him a nonchalant grimace and raised an eyebrow. "Was there anything else, or can I go back to those I was actually talking to?"

The blonde boy stood silent for a while as he eyed her. Then a bit shorter, black-haired boy with a cheeky smile leaned into him and whispered something into his ear. A smirk spread upon the blonde boy's lips, and he looked down on Wera in triumph.

What's this? Wera thought. What are they going to do? That smile does not bode well! Her eyes flickered between the two boys as she took two uncertain steps backwards, but bumped into another, larger boy. She now noticed that she was surrounded. The blonde boy searched for something inside of his cloak. Wait, cloak?

Oh no, Wera thought panicked. He'll draw a knife! He'll draw a knife! She felt how panic filled her chest, and the hair on her neck was standing. She saw him slowly pull his hand out, in which he held… a stick. She sighed in relief as the corner of her lips curled into a smile. "Oh, how adorable! You don't have your own, so you have to walk around with a stick!"

The boys exchanged surprised and confused looks. The blond one then raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"You're not going to rape me with that, are you?" Wera asked sceptically. "I mean, I've seen a movie where a girl gets raped by a tree, and I can assure you that it's not pretty. Not that that stick is a tree, but it's a part of one. I'm not taking any risks; I could get splintered!"

"You don't know what this is, do you?" he smirked.

"Well, I'm sorry!" she said sarcastically as she clapped her hands together. "Of course it is a wand!" She rolled her eyes and chuckled.

The blonde boy's smirk was replaced by arrogance, and said with a light flick of the "stick"; "Wingardium Leviosa."

"Wing-what?" Wera asked. She was answered by the boys' lowered eyes, and the smirks that were spreading, one by one. She eyed herself, and saw more than expected. Her pink nightgown was gliding upwards. "Oh, shit!" she yelled and quickly pulled it back down. The four boys laughed spitefully while Wera fought the redness on her cheeks. "You bastard!" she barked furiously. She charged and fired a kick towards his groin, but his reflexes was better than she'd expected, and he locked his knees just as he trapped her foot between them, and trapped her.

Damn it! She thought. It was a wand! She blinked. Hang on… a wand? Did I really say 'a wand'?

"That was close," the blonde boy growled.

"Not close enough," Wera hissed through gritted teeth.

They looked at each other for a while, and the coldness between them could cover the whole Sahara with ice.

"Why are you wearing a nightgown?" he asked after a while.

"Why are you wearing… whatever you're wearing?" Wera asked back.

"Why, you'd rather see me naked?" he smirked.

"No," Wera said and raised an eyebrow. "I'd rather turn lesbian."

"Turn what?" he asked.

"Whatever," Wera sighed. "Just forget it. Could you… like… unlock your legs now? I mean, before you crush my foot?"

"Well," the blonde boy said as a rather charming smile spread across his lips. "That depends. I might need some… female contact first." He dragged a finger along her tawny shin, and she shivered uncomfortably.

"Hands off, you perv!" she hissed.

When his finger was joined by his hand, she slapped it hard, and he pulled it back. He was just about to say something when a voice boomed over them.

"Mr Malfoy!" it said. "There ye are! I've been lookin' all over fer ya!" When the big man saw the strange position in which the two teenagers were station in, a wide smile spread upon his lips. "Well, maybe I should leave the two of ye—"

"No!" Wera bellowed desperately. "Don't go! Don't leave me! Not with him! Not like… this!"

"Er… Mr Malfoy… maybe ye should release her foot?" the big man said.

"Should?" Wera gasped. "You mean 'do it', right?"

"Eh, well, yeah, 'couse," the big man said. It seemed like he was gathering some courage before he said; "Let her go, Malfoy, before I'll take points from Slytherin."

"Hang on…" Wera said. "Points? Slytherin? Malfoy? Well, then you have to be Hagrid, right?" She made a gesture with her hand as if that fact was the most obvious thing in the entire world.

"Noooo?" Lollo said sarcastically.

Both Wera and Malfoy turned.

"Hi Lollo!" Wera smiled. "And everybody else…"

"Do you play Quidditch or something?" Malfoy asked and looked at the black-haired Lollo.

She glared at him. "Are you dumb or just plain stupid?"

"He's blonde!" Wera established. "Very blonde! That says it all, don't it?"

Suddenly, there was small sounds of complaint from Tuldus, who had long, angelic blonde hair.

"But Tuldus," Wera said, "you are stupid! But I love you anyway!"

"Okay!" Tuldus said and smiled.

"So, ye were goin' to professor Dumbledore?" Hagrid asked and turned to Lollo and the others.

"Yes," Lollo said. "But I'm bringing all of us." She walked decidedly up to Wera and Malfoy as they stood in that strange position. "Were you planning on holding her foot like that all day?" she asked and looked at the blonde boy.

"What has that got to do with you?" he asked nonchalantly.

"Yeah, that's right, Lollo!" Wera cheered. "Show him your teeth!"

"Well," Lollo said, "how can I explain this? You see, you are standing on the edge of a hill. I am rather heavy. With the right speed, and the right strength, which I guarantee you that I have, you will… well, fall down. This is because of a little something called gravity. And, with a bit of help from my friend, the G-force, you will be crushed. If I jump after you, so to speak. Or, you could simply… let go of Wera's foot. You have a choice."

With a rather confused, yet terrified look, he let Wera go.

Wera sighed in relief. "Thank you, Lollo! You're my hero! Well, heroine!"

Lollo shook her head and looked at Malfoy. "What's the matter? Never heard of something called Physics? And still I only have a C!"

"Wha' happened with visitin' Dumbledore?" Hagrid suddenly asked.

"We're on our way," Wera said. "Bye, perv!"

"We're not done yet!" he hissed so that only Wera could hear, and her eyes widened. She immediately rejoined her party.

The five friends followed Hagrid towards the big stone castle, called Hogwarts. When they entered the giant oak doors, the whole party stopped.

"Cool," Manda and Wera said together. Tuldus looked more excited. Lollo and Natta were more concentrated on their task. They went up a lot a stairs, and to Manda and Wera, all of the undiscovered hallways were the most fascinating aspect. Finally, they reached the giant Gargoyle guarding the office.

"Citrus fudge," Hagrid said, and the gargoyle stepped aside. They walked up the stars towards the Headmaster's office, but were they truly ready to face whatever awaited them behind those doors?