I woke up, staring up at the ceiling and squinting at the bright light of the sun shining in through my bedroom window. Normally I was happy about the sun, and bright and happy. But not for the last 3 days, or for a long time after this. I sat up in my bed, seeing empty champagne bottles scattered across the floor and my dresser.
Standing, I attempt to walk but stumble, quickly relying on the nearest dresser for support. I hear a knock at the door, dashing out of my room and through my condo to the front door. Maybe it was Adam, maybe he had come back somehow.
As soon as I open the door, tears fall from my eyes. It's not Adam; its Eli. I become limp and call into his arms, crying harder into his chest. His sweater becomes damp with both drops of rain and my tears. "Come on, Fi, let's go inside." He mumbles, obviously trying to hold himself together. The boy leads me back inside, allowing me to use him as a crutch as we walk into my room and to my bed.
"He's gone, Eli. He's never coming back, is he?" I manage to barely get the words out between sobs. Eli shakes his head, placing a hand on my shoulder. He's trying not to cry, I can tell. The way his eyes are closed tight and his mouth is formed in a frown. The only time I ever recall seeing him cry is when he and Clare gotten into a fight, and the day that we found Adam.
"Sadly, and I wish this weren't how it was, he isn't." he says through a clenched jaw. My hand finds its way to his hair, ruffling it. He scrunches his nose up, letting a tear fall from his eye. I know he's wishing that we were still in the doorway were the rain was hitting him so he could use that as an excuse.
He looks around and sees the many bottles on my floor, shaking his head in disapproval. "He'd be so disappointed in-" I start, being cut off by Eli's finger touching my lips to stop me from continuing. He knows why I relapsed, and he knows that it's completely normal to relapse. He doesn't see me as a failure, and neither would Adam. They know what relapse is like, and Adam had talked to my therapist on a few occasions about how hard alcohol addiction is to get over without relapse. Knowing Adam, he talked to Eli about it. They tell each other everything.
Eli slides up the sleeve of his sweater, biting his lip to keep from sobbing, "It's okay."
I lay back on my bed, spotting a shirt of Adam's on what was his side of my bed when he stayed over. Memories of him come flooding back, making tears form in my eyes and quickly fall. The smell of the shirt is him, I would notice that smell anywhere. It was my favorite shirt of his. It was tight on his torso, clinging to his body from sweating during our make-out sessions. It smelled of his cologne mixed with a bit of vanilla from the last time we spent the night together. I remember everything about that night.
Eli stands and starts picking up various bottles from my room before walking out. He knew it was time for him to leave me for myself, he knows a lot. When I know he's gone I take the shirt in my hands, looking at it and sniffing it. He made me feel genuinely like a princess, and now the next time I'll ever see him is years from now when we meet again. Who knows when that could be.
To keep myself from crying on the shirt and ruining the smell of him I get up and walk to the kitchen, pulling out another bottle and pulling the cork out. Eli is in the bathroom, so I take the cork and the bottle and head back to my room, sitting on my bed and taking a large gulp from the bottle. My foot kicks at some other bottles that are under and around my bed. My stomach starts to hurt, but I don't start worrying. I always feel like this after drinking.
But this is no normal stomachache. My heart starts beating really fast, and I can feel myself becoming cold. "Eli!" I yell, dropping the other bottle from my hand and watching it shatter along with another bottle that it hit on the way down. He runs in, kneeling next to me and frowning. "Take me to the hospital," I say, "now."
Eli picks me up gently and carries me outside to his car. The doors unlock and make a clicking noise, and that's when I black out.
Everything fades away to black and I feel nothing, it's like sleeping, only not good at all.
oOo
When I wake up next there are tubes coming out of my body, a doctor is hovering over me and mumbling something to a nurse. All I can make out of it is 'Needs a' and 'death'. I go numb at the words, closing my eyes again and faking sleep. There's a faint pounding on the wall outside of my room, and then a voice yells my name. Or at least I think so.
Soon I fade back to sleep, dreaming of Adam and all the nights we spent together. Seeing him one last time and trying to talk him out of it. I know deep down that when I wake up he won't be back, but this makes me feel better for a while. Maybe I won't wake up again though, hopefully I won't.
I wasn't doing this on purpose, though, it just happened. I drank too much the night before, and It caused failures in my body when I drank more. At this point I have given up already. I mean, the only person that actually cared for me and loved me is gone, so why the hell not? Death seems tempting right now.
There's a sharp pain in my hand. Someone is holding it. I shoot up in my sleep, nearly yanking the needles out of my arm that the nurse had been giving me a shot with. Eli was holding my hand, and my family was gathered around the room. Declan's eyes were puffy and red; he wiped his face with a tissue and let out a sigh of relief when he saw me. "Fi!" he exclaimed, moving closer to me. I missed him, my twin. In the corner of the room was my mother, she had her arms crossed over her chest and a blank expression on her face. It scared me.
Eli let go of my hand, letting Declan take it instead. Without noticing I squeezed onto my brothers' hand, as if doing that would keep me alive. He winced at how hard I was holding his hand. Eli nodded at the nurse, waiting for her to leave before speaking. "Fi, you're dying." He mumbled, swallowing hard and putting a hand on Declan's shoulder. "You don't have much longer, and the only way we can help is if you agree for the surgery and stop drinking." He knew. God, why does Eli know everything? I know what to do now, and he just made this impossible to avoid. This being death, of course. I don't want to avoid it, so that's fortunate for me.
My mother spoke up, glaring at the dark haired boy. "Let us help you." She said, her voice sounding needy. I couldn't, though. I can't. I need to be with Adam, but my family wouldn't understand. Eli does though, because he would do the same for Clare. He almost had done the same for his ex before her, after she died. He talked to me about it the night that we found Adam.
Images of Adam come back. Him lying in the dirt, blood everywhere, and his skin colder than anything I've ever felt. The way he was there, but he wasn't. The way his face was stained with tears and dried blood. Or, at least what was left of his face. The bullet had went through his ear and close to his temple on the other side. When his skull came in contact with the rock beneath him; it collapsed. Most likely the funeral will be closed casket. I need to see him.
Maybe they can fix him, I hope. If they can fix a mutilated body, why can't they fix a mutilated society? It makes no sense. But whatever floats their boat goes, I guess. I've started drifting off again, and Declan squeezes my hand slightly. I fell out of my daze and looked over at him, looking into his eyes like he could understand what I was thinking. He kind of could though, I hope. People say that twins can do things like that, I just hope its true; I want him to let me die. I need to.
Declan nods, trying not to start crying again.
The doctor comes in, telling everyone that visiting hours are over. They say their goodbyes and leave. So I head back to sleep.
oOo
I wake up and no one is in my room. The clock says its seven. Today is the day of Adam's funeral, and I think Declan convinced the nurse to let me stay the night at home afterwards. Hopefully he did. I quickly stepped off of my bed, yanking the needle out of my arm and covering my mouth quickly to keep from making a noise from the pain. I'm not wearing any socks so the coldness of the hospital floor is almost unbearable. I clench my jaw, kneeling slightly over and picking up blue-green hospital socks from the side of the bed, slipping them on my feet.
I tiptoe out of my door, glancing around but seeing no one. I hear faint voices. Declan's voice. He's talking on the phone with someone who I assume to be H.J. The way his voice is sounding, he's been crying for a while now. The only words I can actually understand from him are 'death' and 'alcohol'. Alcohol, I'm the only one he could be talking about if that word is involved. My twin brother has probably given up on me. Or at least, given up on hope for me recovering. Does he realize how much I loved Adam? No. He mostly hated Adam, so he didn't know much about our relationship. Every time I brought Adam up in the past he would just groan. The first time he met Adam they ended up almost fighting. I just wish our family weren't so drama filled. Guess that's kind of my fault, though, isn't it?
Delcan rounds the corner to my room, hanging up his phone and shoving it into his pocket. He wipes his face when he sees me, then runs to me and hugs me tightly. I groan at the sudden pressure in my stomach. "I missed you." he said, mumbling against my shoulder.
"I've been here the whole time, Dex. You're hugging me a little too tight, though," I whisper and step back into my room. I hate hospitals. When you're here, someone is dying. Someone is dying and you can't help them. The people that aren't dying are lucky. But some of us don't want to be. I mean, I'm not the only person that wants to die. Adam did, too, and he got what he wanted. He's gone. And I'm stuck here, suicidal and a mess. Probably dying. I don't know what happened while I was asleep, or what decisions were made. But they probably weren't anything I would agree with. I didn't want the help, I just wanted to be left to die.
Declan lets go of me, giving me an apologetic glance before looking down at his shoes. "You ready for the funeral?" he asks, grabbing a bag from off of the chair in the room. I wonder whats in side of it. "Obviously not, you haven't got your outfit on." he smiles slyly and hands me the bag. "Go get ready."
I nod and push him out of my room, closing the door and taking the red and black dress out of the bag. Its beautiful. And its also the dress I worse on Adam and I's first date. Declan knew this, but how? When I told him about our date he didn't even as much as look at me. Maybe he was paying attention, but he kept his mouth shut so he could use the information some day. He knew how happy Adam made me, and now he's letting me relive that day. I strip out of my hospital clothes and put the dress on, being unable to zip the back up. I remember having to ask Adam to do it for me. He was the sweetest.
Knowing I was unstable for walking, Declan had bought me red shoes. Converse, Adam wore these. They said something on the side of them, too: R.I.P. Adam Torres. Declan didn't hate him at all, he just respected my relationship enough to stay out of it but pay attention when he needed to. I put the shoes on over the socks, sitting on the edge of the uncomfortable bed and leaning over to tie the shoes. They were comfortable, surprisingly. No wonder Adam had worn them.
Declan knocks on the door impatiently before walking in and covering his eyes, "ready Princess?" he asks with a chuckle. I take his hand away from his face and smile.
"How do I look?"
"Like a Torres," he says kindly, taking my hand and leading me out of the room, "amazing."
When we get out of the hospital, I see my family waiting outside in a van. That isn't their usual transportation. Then again, this is the day of the funeral and Adam wouldn't want me riding a limo, he'd love this. It was the same car his mother had when he and Drew were younger, as I recall Adam telling me. And I had told Declan. I run over to the car as a tear falls down my face, only this time I'm not crying bad tears, but good ones.
I climb into the van, seeing Drew and Eli in the back along with Bianca. Eli pats the spot next to him, grinning at me. "You look like a true Torres woman, Fiona." Drew says and smiles at me. His face was swollen from crying, and Bianca wore a guilty look. She was in the note, that's who Adam was talking about. It would take everything in me to not tear her apart on the spot. But I'll deal, its okay. I'm not capable of doing much anyway seeing as I can barely walk let alone kill someone. Except, maybe, myself.
Eli puts my seatbelt on, giving me a hopeful look. Knowing what I was thinking, since he had read the note, too. He gives me a flower, my favorite. It has a card on it that says "I love you, Princess. - Prince Charming" on it. That is what Adam gave me on our second date. It was perfect. I give Eli a friendly peck on the cheek, wiping a few tears from his eyes. He nods at me and smiles bigger than I've ever seen before. Its not his usual smirk, or the smile he has around Clare. Its the smile I rarely see because he's too shy to be happy. Its wonderful seeing him smile, because I know Adam would be happy with it. The way he's looking at me is like he's happy to have me around and supporting him, even if its on such traumatic terms. Suddenly I'm not just the girlfriend of his best friend. I saved him, and I can see it in the way he's looking at me like I'm the most amazing person in the world.
Bianca and Drew are talking about something, and I see a tear roll down her cheek. Why was she crying? Does she regret enabling her boyfriend's brother to kill himself? Its a little too late to be regretting things, so whats the point? What's done is done. I really wish I weren't such a hypocrite. I can't help but try to force myself to forgive her, though. For all we know she had no idea what he needed the gun for. And as far as I knew; Drew was Adam's only brother. Which I'm 99.9% sure is a fact. Even if it isn't, Adam doesn't speak to his birth father so he wouldn't know of any other siblings.
Adam's father. Adam has told me about him, how he left his mother behind because he found someone else. Adam's mother was very controlling, honestly. I don't like her very much but I tolerated her. I had to, I was in love with her son. If I want him I have to get along with his mother as much as humanly possible. His father knows about Adam, and accepts it and wanted Adam to come live with him but Drew wouldn't let Adam leave, and Eli couldn't bear the though, either. Plus, me, I would have no one either. Maybe Clare, but I barely linger in her life. She's just merely a friend, not close at all, we just know few things about each other thanks to our boyfriends. Maybe Eli, but he and I didn't know each other very well either up until Adam, well, you know.
Soon we arrive at the funeral home, there are tons of people. A lot of them whom I don't think Adam ever knew, or maybe never told me about. They all wore ties that were baby blue and light pink. Those were the trans* pride colors, Adam told me that once. Why were they here, though? I notice one of them from a transition video I watched with Adam. I don't remember his name though. But why was he here, just because Adam was gone? Then I realize, Declan. I told him about the guy before before and how Adam wished he had more transgender friends to transition with. He would never get the chance to have that now, but at least they can show support at his funeral.
Drew opens the van door, stepping out and taking Bianca's hand to help her out. Then Eli stands, helps me out of the back seat, and gets out of the van with me. He closes the door behind us and I stumble a bit. Eli balances me, holding me up and walking towards the doors to the funeral home.
A few of the people wearing the pink and blue ties waved to me, smiling shyly and following the rest of us inside. There was Adam, just as innocent and fragile as always. Although a little shattered, he was just as perfect as I remembered him. Well, besides remembering him covered in blood and having his brain matter splattered about trees. He was perfect from far away, and he probably was from closer up, too. I need to see him.
I pull away from Eli's grip, dashing towards the casket and leaning over it. He wore the outfit he wore on our first date, and my favorite beanie was tucked into his jacket pocket like it was that day as well. I don't know why I'm still getting surprised, I should expect this.
Even though this stuff makes me happy, it just makes me long to be with Adam more. I shouldn't say anything to Declan, and I won't. I won't even as much as look at him until after the funeral. A song by Dead Hand plays quietly in the background, and hundreds of pictures cover the room, along with flowers, cards, and people.
I touched his cheek gently with my thumb, stroking it in small circles like I would do to him before waking up in the morning. I could almost see his lips lifting up to form a smile, but I knew that wasn't possible. He was really cold, and gone. He was still beautiful, though. Breathtaking, actually. His hair was combed up nicely, and his outfit was the same as I recall it being the day of the date. Blue and grey button down, black dress pants, and his red converse. I glance down at mine for a moment, before smiling wide. This was it, wasn't it? My precious Prince was gone, and he left me with no one. No family that actually cares for me like he did, no friends that care for me like he did either. Not even my twin brother, although this was perfect.
Before I know it, I'm slipping away from my train of thought. Then I realize that something is wrong with this funeral because I'm the only one crying and everyone else is just standing there like they're not even real. This isn't real. That's when Adam smiles at me.
I'm with him.
