Chapter 2
My body trembled as I sobbed. She was gone. She was really gone.
How could she be gone? Buffy was everything to me, even if I had technically known her for a few months, and not years, like I thought. She had loved me and protected me, even when I gave her every reason not to. She took care of me after Mom died, and before that she had comforted me at night when I cried because Dad had left. I could remember her running away after she killed Angel, and I had spent the summer crying, hoping she would come back. She was my hero.
I tried to see what was happing. As far as I could tell the portal was gone, because I could no longer see the flashes of light. The sun was rising. I barely registered the fact that I hadn't eaten in nearly two days, and didn't care. I had to do something. I had to move, to get off this tower before something came to kill me.
Eventually I stumbled my way down the criss-crossing stairs of the tower, trembling whenever they shook in the breeze. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, and breathe out. I had to stay calm.
At the bottom of the tower demon bodies were strewn across the ground, but what caught my attention was the others. Giles was walking towards something, horror dawning in his eyes. I heard Willow sobbing, and saw that she was with Tara. Xander held Anya, whose head was bleeding badly. Spike was howling in misery, crumpled on the ground the hide his face. At least he's okay.
Then I saw her, Buffy was lying on a pile of rubble, a peaceful expression on her face. She looked like she had just gone to sleep. Oh no oh no oh no all my fault all my fault all my fault….
I couldn't move or breathe, and my heart was pounding. It was all my fault, I should have stopped her, should have jumped, should have done anything but watch her die. I wasn't real anyway. All my fault….everyone was crying and heartbroken, and it was all my fault. I was stupid, I was an idiot, I was so selfish!
Can't think, so scare, so alone, I'm going to die again and again and it's all my fault I'm stupid I should be dead it should be me it should be me why can't I die now? I want to die, I want to be dead, why can't I be dead, please help please, someone help, I'm going to die—
I think the first person that saw me was Spike. Maybe. I couldn't tell, I was shaking so hard and crying.
"Dawnie?" he was hoarse from crying. "Bit, are you all right?"
The mantra in my head was pounding on and on. I could barely hear him. "All my fault, all my fault, all my fault…" I gasped. I needed to breathe.
Tara gently lowered sobbing Willow to the ground with Xander and Anya, who had sort of collapsed or something. Willow was beside herself with grief, and she held onto Xander like her life depended upon it. Giles was a little stunned or something, because he barely turned his head when I spoke again. Spike couldn't seem to move.
"All my fault." I rasped. "Let her jump. All my fault."
"Dawnie, sweetie, are you okay?" Tara asked softly, taking a few hesitant steps towards me.
I didn't really hear her either, or care. I crawled towards Buffy's body until I was only inches away. If only I could die and she could come back. I reached out and touched her face. She was cold, like Mom when I had gone to the morgue because I couldn't believe Mom could be dead. I realized Tara was behind me.
"Dawnie, we have to leave, ambulances are coming. We're going to have to go soon."
"My fault." I whispered.
A hand stroked my hair hesitantly. "Dawnie…please. We'll make this better, please get up."
Giles joined her. "Dawn, you can't do anything, it's too late." His voice cracked on the last three words.
Willow, pulling herself up, nodded. "We h-have to go." Sirens were whirring in the air. There must've been a lot of hurt people for all those sirens to be wailing, all those ambulances racing off to cart away the other bodies. That was my fault, too. "Dawnie, w-we have t-t-to go."
Soon there was a flood of people I didn't know. They asked all sorts of questions I didn't understand, and they took Buffy away to the morgue. They kept saying things like, "I'm so sorry for your loss" and "you should get home and get some rest. You'll feel better in the morning" but I knew it was all lies. I wouldn't be able to sleep, and if I did there would be nightmares without Buffy to wake me up and tell me it would be okay again, that we would get through somehow. Then when I finally woke up and it was morning I would feel so much worse, because Buffy wouldn't be there to tell me to hurry or I would be late to school and did I want to get expelled? But she couldn't, not ever. Never, ever again.
Spike saw me sitting on a pile of rubble while the police talked to Giles, Willow and Tara started to cry again, and Xander pretended to be all strong and manly for Anya while really crying.
"Hey, little Bit." He said, limping badly as he made his way over and settled down next to me. "Are you okay?" as an afterthought he added, "I know you're not okay in the sense that your sister is gone forever, and I know you won't be for a bloody long time, but are you hurt? Did the Doc hurt you?"
"He had a knife." I admitted. "And I'm not okay. But I'll be fine."
"You're covered in blood, I can smell it." He said. Vampire senses are creepy some times, I can tell you that. No wonder Buffy—
And we're back to all the fear and terror again. For a second I had been annoyed and a little creeped out, but it was painful again.
"Niblet?"
I realized I had started to cry again. "Nothing. Sorry."
"Maybe you should see one of the medics." He suggested. No, no way. Doctors and stuff were all clean and white and they had knives like Doc had. I hoped he was dead. He had fallen pretty far, but so had Spike, and Spike was sitting next to me.
"No." My head felt a little clearer, but everything else was numb. I couldn't feel the cuts on my stomach and chest any more, even though I could see rivulets of dried blood on my legs and feet. Not like it mattered.
"Bit—" Spike started to say warningly.
"I know, I know." I interrupted. "I swear that I'm fine…ish. Fine-ish. No need for big scary medical people with sharp stuff or anything."
At my last words he raised an eyebrow. "Scary medical blokes?"
"Y-Yeah."
"Dawn, what did the Doc do to you?"
I shook my head. "I don't want to talk…I just need to sit, and…think. I need to make sense of everything. I need to breathe again. I have to not die."
"You're not going to die." said Spike. "And I've found breathing highly overrated, though my case isn't the same as yours."
"We're all in shock." I told him. "And when it hits it's going to hurt. Spike, I don't want it to hurt. Buffy won't be here too…."
"Comfort you? Make everything alright again?" Spike winced as he stood. "Believe me, pet, all the Scoobies want that. Buffy kept you lot together through everything."
"Yeah." I said. I remember everything that never happened. "When I was little she used to look after me at the park and make sure I didn't fall when we went to her ice skating lessons. When she was called as the Slayer I was the only person she told. Then we moved to Sunnydale, and there was Angel—" Spike winced again, "—and the Master, and I was so scared that when he rose we would die. She never told me about the prophecy until waaayyyy after and it still scared me." I paused. "I think maybe I thought she was invincible. She died that one time and came back. I was always safe. I mean, I never even saw a real vampire up close until I was like fourteen. She made sure they never got near me."
"Of course she did." said Spike. "She loved you."
"D'you think she would have done that if I had really been there?" That was one thing that always bothered me. All the fabricated memories had seemed so real, and still did. What if I had been real, would Buffy still have loved me like she did?
"Yes." Spike said, completely sure of himself. "Buffy would have loved you no matter what."
It hurt so much to hear her name. It was better just thinking about all the memories, whether they were real or not. "Yeah…I remember when you first came, too. Buffy was freaked out half the time, she kept talking about the Slayers you had done in."
"Did she now?" that seemed to impress Spike.
"Oh, yeah." I choked out, feeling like I was about to cry again. "Absolutely. And then when you finally left or disappeared or whatever she felt like it was safe again. Then Angelus…" I remembered how much she had cried. "I think it was after he had messed with her and written that message in blood…no, it was after he came for her and almost killed Willow at the high school. I was in bed when I heard her shut the front door, and then she came into my room. She was crying so hard, and she just walked to my bed and collapsed. She cried all night, and fell asleep with me. I never felt worse for her than I did that night, because I knew she was going to have to kill Angel. I knew it was her duty as the Slayer, and it majorly sucked."
Before I knew it I was sobbing again, sides heaving, crumpled to the ground. Spike was somewhere above me, awkwardly patting my back. I wanted her to be there so much I thought maybe I could will her to be there. "Buffy! I don't know what to do, it's all my fault, all my fault…"
I'm all alone and scared, why can't I breathe whenever I think about Buffy, why isn't she here I need her so much don't I matter Buffy I need you I'm going to die it's all my fault and I don't want to die but I'm going to someone help someone help someone help!
I realized I was screaming at the top of my lungs, and someone was holding me close and saying something.
"Dawnie, baby, it's okay. Dawnie, please, it's okay, it's okay!"
"Should we move her?"
"Bit, I'm right here."
"Dawn, you need to breathe, you're going to pass out."
The last thing got my attention, and I slowed my breathing, just thinking in, out, in, out until my chest wasn't so tight and I could open my eyes. Tara was holding me, Spike stroking my hair, while the others were gathered around. A medic looked over curiously.
"Dawnie?" Tara asked me, concern written all over he face. "What happened?"
"I…" I didn't know what to say. "I need her back and I got scared and then I couldn't breathe." That had to pass as an answer that made sense, because I had started to hyperventilate again. "It's o-okay, really."
"Most likely a panic attack." Giles said. "In response to whatever happened with the Doc-"
I think Spike could feel me tensing, so he shook his head quickly. "You know, she probably needs something for those cuts." He added, motioning to the ripped fabric of my ceremonial dress Glory had given me.
Oh, no. Glory.
"Did Glory—is she—is it safe?" I stammered. Tara soothing petted my head, hugging me.
"Something heavy attached to the tower fell on Ben." Giles said quickly. "He's dead, and Glory cannot return."
I didn't feel the least amount of guilt. "Good."
Exactly two hours and ten stitches later (thank goodness most of the cuts weren't deep) I was back home, curled up on the couch with Spike hovered nearby and the rest of the Scooby gang dispersed around the house. We were supposed to go to the morgue later tomorrow, and the medics had told us to go home for the rest of the day and try to sleep. I knew Tara and Willow were already upstairs and asleep, and Giles, Xander, and Anya sounded like they were drunk or crying in the kitchen, I couldn't tell. Possibly both.
"How you feeling, Bit?" Spike asked for the hundredth time. I shrugged.
"Well, I'm not crazy for all the needles and stuff they used to stitch me up, 'cause, you know, sharp stuff…but I think I'm okay. I think I can breathe right now. And I can think a little. Do we have to go to the morgue?" I just wanted this to all be over so I could cry until my eyes fell out or I died of dehydration. I couldn't believe dad hadn't called yet. That was the only thing I was expecting.
Spike gave me a look. "Bit, I'm not an idiot. I know you're hurting a lot right now." He saw me glance hopefully at the phone. "He didn't call for Joyce, he won't call for her."
That was the worst part. Mom wasn't here either, and I was the only one left in the family besides Dad, who didn't count anyway. Not if he didn't call. "I don't care."
"Why don't you get some sleep? I know the sun's up just now, but there's nothing you can do until tomorrow, and even then there's really nothing that you can do."
Sleep equals dreams, and there's no Buffy to hold me when I wake up screaming. "No."
"Bit—"
"No!" I insisted more forcefully, starting to shake. "No, no, no! I don't want to because I'll have bad dreams." I realized how childish I was, and didn't particularly care.
"Look, Dawn." Spike said. "I know that I'll be having some scary nightmares as soon as I fall asleep, but that doesn't mean I should rest for a while." I was still shivering badly, and Spike lowered his voice a little, coming to sit next to me. "I know this is hard, and you can't deal right now, but if you don't sleep it's going to be worse tomorrow." He sighed at the determined look on my face. "Look, I'll go with you, and sit near your bed or something. If you have a bad dream I'll wake you up."
"I…" I said slowly. "I guess so. You promise to wake me up right away if I start screaming?"
"I promise." he said, and I nodded reluctantly. He got up, and with one deft movement, swept me up into his arms. "I'll keep you safe. I promised Buffy I would."
He climbed the stairs, and passed Buffy's bedroom on the way to mine. I still could see all her stuff, and I even thought it smelled a little like her. Spike probably thought so too, with vampire senses and all. Once we reached my bedroom he laid me down on the bed and pulled a blanket over my head.
"Thanks." I managed. My eyes fluttered to a close.
He laid a cold hand on my head. "Don't you worry now, Bit. I'll be here, like I promised." I heard a gulp. "'Til the end of the world."
