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Just Be The Brother

The clock beside my bed was reading 3:23 am when I heard my bedroom door slowly open. I opened my eyes and saw Sidney make her way across the room and into Michael's abandoned bed. I had been wondering how long it was going to take her to come lay in it. I watched her as she pulled back the blankets that still nested on the lumpy mattress and she curled up on it, burying her face in his flat pillow that he had left behind.

This was the first night since we had all moved into this apartment that Michael was gone.

We had moved him into his own place yesterday and Sidney was not taking this separation very well.

She had kept face when we finally hugged him goodbye and left him in his new home. But the moment we got on the bus she had grabbed my arm and curled against it like she had when she was little, and cried softly the whole ride home.

It had been five years since we had all been back under one roof, and when Michael had come home announcing his plans to move out before he started his internship Sidney had not been impressed. She felt that the time we had been apart when I was in juvie and they were in the system was enough. I had always known there would be a time when they would leave, well, more Michael than Sidney.

Michael had always been moving around, looking for something better. He had always been good at school and life at college had just made that worse. He joined clubs, organizations, always took the max amount of hours in classes and had graduated a year faster than was predicted. But he was going back in August to get his Master's degree. He had wanted away from our crummy apartment. I think he was embarrassed to bring his new friends to this place. Embarrassed to still be living at home with his big brother.

So he had made it his summer project to find his own place, and find a place he did. A very spacious loft right in the middle of the city, a short walk from where his internship and the college was. It had broken Sidney's heart the day we went with him to hand in his down payment and get the keys.

And now he was gone. I was missing him too, but I had always known this day would come, that we all couldn't live together forever. I was handling it better than Sidney was, if her tiny sobs were anything to go by.

I sigh softly and slowly get out of bed and walk the six steps across the room. I kneel down beside the bed and reach out and push her hair off her face. "Sorry I woke you." She says in a soft, watery voice.

"It's okay. I know you miss him. But he's just across town, a thirty minute bus ride away."

"He used to be thirty seconds away." She counters sadly. Wiping her face. I smile and nod before I tell her to sit up. She does and I sit down next to her. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and she snuggles against my side. "I'm being a baby." She says once she gets settled.

"It's okay to miss him Sid, I'm sure he missed us too."

"Bet he's not up and crying though." She says bitterly. "I wish he would have been just a little sad to be leaving us. But it was like he couldn't get away fast enough. To embarrassed by his stupid sister and delinquent brother."

Her words make me cringe, I know she doesn't mean it, but they still stung.

"You're not stupid." I say poking her in the side. "You just don't keep your nose in your books 24/7 like he does."

"Even if I did I wouldn't leave you alone like he did."

"Sidney, he didn't leave you alone, he didn't leave me alone. He just grew up, he needed his own space, his own place to grow. You didn't think we would all still be in this apartment in twenty years did you?"

"Maybe not in this apartment. Someplace nicer would have been fine with me too."

I chuckle at her words and give her a small squeeze. "Come on, go get dressed and I'll treat you to an early breakfast."

"Can you call Michael and see if he's still up? Maybe he can come with us?" she asks hopefully.

While normally I would not be calling anybody at this hour, looking at my sister's face and seeing how badly she just wanted to see him right now I couldn't refuse. Even if he was asleep I'd convince him to meet us at the diner. "Okay, I'll call him, you go get dressed." She nods and hops off the bed, looking nothing like the 22 year old that she was.

All she wanted was things to stay the same. While being in the system turned Michael into a hyper-active kid who always had to be fiddling with something, it had turned Kelly into a quiet mouse who occasionally tried to show some teeth but always reverted into herself. She didn't like change where Michael craved it. She hated excitement and strangers, while Michael had submerged himself into social interactions, he loved solving people's problems. Including mine, his judgment filled eyes still seemed to haunt me when I went to the street.

I flipped on the light and walked to the living room, picking up the old phone and dialing Michael's number that was scribbled on the pad that sat near the phone. Sidney's small, elegant handwriting stating it was "The Traitor's Number." It rang four times before a very groggy voice answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey Mike, whatcha doing?" there was silence on his end of the line. Then his annoyed voice finally responded.

"Its 3:30 AM Linc, what do you think I'm doing?"

"Ya, sorry about that man, but I have a favor to ask."

"What?" he grumbles.

"Sid isn't taking your move too well, been up most of the night, I'm gonna take her to get some food. She really wants you to meet us there man." Again, more silence. Then he heaves a huge sigh.

"Okay, but just for an hour Linc. I have stuff to do in the morning."

"Thanks Mike. It'll mean a lot to her. She's really missing you."

"I miss her too." He says back unconvincingly.

"You need to work on being a better liar before you meet us at Ronnie's."

"I'm not lying, I'm tired. What time?"

"We're gonna leave here soon, so four."

"Kay, meet you there." Then he hung up the phone.

I passed Sidney in the hallway on my way back to my room as she went to the living room. "He'll meet us there, I think you owe him a coffee or two though." I say as I duck into my room. Sleeping in jeans was not comfortable, but it was always practical since all I had to do was toss on a shirt. I grabbed some socks and walked back into the living room. I plopped down in my chair and reached for my boots that always rested to the right of it. Sidney was pacing in front of the door, silently begging me to hurry up.


I grab the keys, toss her her coat and pull mine on as we walk out the door. It was a few blocks to the bus stop. "How annoyed was he?" she asks as we walk in the falling snow.

"More tired than anything. Felt the need to remind me of the time and that he had stuff to do in the morning. But he's coming."

"If we had a dollar for every time Michael was annoyed by us huh?"

"I'd never have to work a day in my life again. We'd be rich little one." I say wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

The walk from our apartment to the bus stop involved a few alleys, but I paid no mind to the people we passed as we walked, we knew the score here, keep moving, eyes front. But there would always be someone wanting to cause trouble, someone desperate enough when the weather got cold. Sidney jumped in my arms as two men cut us off. I push her behind me and stand to my full height as they both pulled knives.

"Empty your pockets!" one hissed.

"I don't have anything." I say calmly. Sidney's standing very close behind me, her hands digging into my back as she holds onto my coat.

"Bullshit! You're Burrows! Crabs lackey. I know you got some dough, now hand it over!"

"Or what?" I ask, not at all intimidated, I had dealt with bigger, tougher guys than this in juvie and on the street.

"Or," he says, nodding his head, suddenly Sidney screams and is pulled away from me, I spin my upper body around and see another guy with a knife to her throat. Her eyes are wide with panic, but other than her heavy breathing she was calm. Something Michael and I had stressed when we moved here. Panicking didn't help anything. "I'll have Scrub give her a new place for those earrings."

"Okay," I say relenting, I reach slowly into my pocket and pull out the bills I had stuffed in the back. Carrying a wallet around here was dangerous, so I never did. I pull out the bills, $70, and hold it out to the man. It's snatched by the man who hadn't said a word, he counts it out.

"Seventy here boss." He says as he pockets the money.

"Well that's not bad for a down payment Burrows. I think this will satisfy them for now but a little extra wouldn't be bad either." He smirks and looks behind me. "What about the girl?" he asks Scrub. It takes all my self-control to not lunge at the guy who's holding my sister as he runs a hand down her body to her pockets. I bite my tongue as I see her body tense up. He reaches in and pulls out a pack of gum.

"Nothing, just some gum."

"Take it anyway, it's bad for your teeth." He says giving me a smile. Sidney is roughly shoved towards me, I grab her as the men walk away, laughter following them down the alley.

Once they disappear I pull her tight against me, she's shaking like a leaf. "Come on, we need to keep moving." I say as I lead her out of the alley and onto the main street. We were a block from the bus stop. "Come on, we're almost there." I say as we finally make it to the bus stop. We have to wait ten minutes for the bus we need. We sit down on the bench and I push her away from me and tilt her head back so I can look her neck. There is a tiny nick in the skin, the blood has already stopped. I like my finger and wipe the blood off her neck. "Hey, it's okay. It's over." I say pulling her back into a hug. She just clings to me and nods her head.

"They took all of your money didn't they?" she asks, her voice muffled by my shoulder.

"It's okay, I always carry cash on both sides. We can still have breakfast and get home."

"But now you're seventy bucks short for the month." She says pulling away. "You'll have to go back out there-."

"No I won't." I assure her as I wipe the tears off her face. "It's called a nest egg Sid. You know I've been staying off the grid. We'll be fine. I promise." She nods and sucks in a deep breath before she snuggles back beside me.

"I love you Linc."

"I love you too."


We get on the bus and Sidney seems to forget about what happened as we near the diner. It's 4:05 when we finally walk through the door. Michael is sitting in a booth off to the right. He barely gets turned around to look who came through the door when Sidney runs over to him.

"Mikey!" she says as she tosses her arms around him. His laughter sounds so good to me after what happened in the alley. He scoots over and she slides in beside him as I slide in the other side. We order pancakes and sausage and bacon and coffee then spend the rest of the time just talking, Michael tells us about his experience with his shower head that decided to pop off during his shower, smacking him in the face on its way to the floor. We all laugh and poke fun at Michael's earmuffs and Sidney's neon green scarf. Then they shove the fact I always get sick more than they do in my face.

Sidney got up and went to the bathroom and when I looked up from my plate Michael had me fixed with something that resembled a glare. "What?" I ask, swallowing my bite.

"When was she mugged?" he asks, his fingers sinning his straw around in his water.

"I don't know-."

"Her neck Linc, the nick on the right side, there's still some blood there. Don't lie to me, I know how dangerous that neighborhood is."

"On our way to the bus tonight. Three guys."

Michael sighs and rubs his hands over his face. "You need to move Linc. Get her away from that part of town."

"With what Michael? My good looks, impressive bank account? I can't afford a place in a better part of town."

"With me gone your bills will decrease. I can even send some money your way to help-."

"No. I know where you're going with this and the answer is no. That money is yours for school. Just like I'm not letting her give me any of hers. I got this."

"Ya I see how well you "got this" by her neck. What if you wouldn't have been there? What about next time when you're not!" his voice raises, making the room around us look towards us. He lowers his voice as he continues. "You know as well as I do what can happen to her." He rolls his eyes and leans against the seat. "Look Linc, ever since we were kids you sacrificed for us, dropped out, worked fast food, even went to juvie for us. Let us help you. You said so yourself that the money was ours to do with as we pleased, and I know it would please her as much as it would please me to help you. And it would just be enough to make it. You need to move Lincoln." He looks towards the restroom where Sidney was walking back from, her brown hair pulled into a side-braid and the red nick in her skin a stark contrast to her skin. "For her sake if not for yours."


Two months later I walked in the front door to our rundown apartment with three brochures and some Chinese food. It would be another hour before Sidney would be home. So I laid them all out, three apartments we could choose from. All of them a few blocks from Michael's loft. I gave into Michael and he and Sidney helped cover the extra expenses and Sidney had gotten a raise at her daycare job. We were doing pretty well off Sid and me. Michael was simply thriving. But between his classes, job, and internship it was almost impossible to see him, something Sidney was not too happy about.

The jingle of keys in the door pulls me from my thoughts and I turn towards the door as Sidney rushes in, slamming the door shut behind her, locking it, and leaning against it, her breathing fast and ragged. I get up from the table and go to the door. "Sid?" she jumps and sighs when she sees it me.

"God you scared me!" she says grabbing her chest. "What are you doing home?"

"I should ask you the same thing, what's the matter?" I ask walking to the door and gazing through the peep-hole and seeing nothing. "You run into trouble?" I ask, trying to figure out why she had rushed through the door.

"No, no trouble." She says, pushing off the door, she smiles and looks at the floor, pushing some of her hair behind her ear. I raise an eyebrow at her and look at her. Then my eyes grow wide when I see her red cheeks.

"Sidney Grace Scofeild you will tell me his name now!" I say, my voice a little louder than necessary. But I was not happy with my sister being involved with a boy.

"Whoa, calm down Lincoln. It's not a boy." She defends. Quickly walking down the hallway towards her room. I follow her down the hallway and through her poster covered door as she tossed her bag carelessly on her bed.

"Oh yes it is missy. I know that look. I was your age once."

"You were in juvie when you were my age. I think our priorities were a little different." She says as she kicks her shoes off.

"Oh I don't think so. You are supposed to be in class right now, not running around the city with some guy!" I say, blocking her escape back into the hallway. She sighs and crosses her arms.

"That class was canceled today, I wrote that on the calendar last week. And I wasn't running all over the city. He rode the bus home with me, and that's it."

"Oh so there is a he? What happened to 'there is no boy?'?" I say back, a knock at the door interrupts the rest of my words. "You stay here, we're not done." I say as I turn and go to the door, I pull it open with a curt "What?" Michael just stands there with his hand up to knock and an eyebrow raised.

"Problem?" he asks.

"Problem? Oh you bet there's a problem." I say as I grab his shoulder and haul him into the apartment. "Sidney, get out here!" I yell. Michael peels off his coat as Sidney tromps into the living room, arms still crossed. She looks at Michael with a smile then glares back at me.

"Why don't you tell your brother what you've been doing today?" I say, crossing my arms. He was her brother too, he'd get why I was upset. But before she said anything Michael said,

"He found out about Tyrese didn't he?" at Sidney's nod my mouth drops open, feeling betrayed by my brother.

"You knew?" I ask, turning to look at Michael.

"Yep, they've been dating almost a month now."

"Excuse me? A month?" I turn and look at Sidney, "You've been seeing this guy for a month." Then I turn back to Michael, "and neither one of you thought I needed to be told."

"I would have told you if I thought you wouldn't freak out. But look at you. Why would I tell you anything!" Sidney cuts between Michael and me as she heads towards the door. "You're not mom Lincoln. Stop acting like it." Then she stomps through the door, slamming it behind her. I move to follow her when Michael holds out his arm and stops me.

"Whoa there big guy." He says, stopping me from following Sidney out the door. "Why don't you stay here and calm down before you go talk to her." He pushes me towards my chair and pushes me down before he sits down on the couch.

"How long have you known." I ask, still not happy that he knew and I didn't.

"A while. She told me when she met him that she liked him, asked what I thought."

"And you didn't think I needed to know because?"

"Look what you just did and there you go. You overreacted, just like you always do. It's just a boy she has a few classes with that turned into something a little bit more. It's fine. She's twenty-three year's old Lincoln. This is good for her, gets her focus away from us. She needs that."

"She's too young to be dating=."

"Oh please, you were seventeen when LJ was born you hypocrite."

"Exactly my point. She doesn't need to have a baby!"

"Dating and baby are not the same thing. It's possible to date without having a baby."

"Not in this city." I say crossing my arms, knowing I sound utterly stupid and unreasonable.

"Linc, can I ask you something, when was the last time she talked to you, like really taked to you about something in her life that wasn't connected to you or me?"

"We talk all the time." I answered without thinking.

"Come on, I'm serious. When has she talked to you about her plans, her dreams?" he stops talking and I start thinking back to converstions I've had with Sidney. "It's been a while hasn't it?" Michael says after I don't respond. "That's because she doesn't need you to be a parent anymore Linc. She needs you to be her brother. She doesn't need the man who made her eat her broccoli, she needs the man who used to carry her on his shoulders, who help her hide a cat from mom when she was little."

I just look at my brother, not wanting to admit how what he was saying made sense.

"And I'm the same. I don't need you to be a father anymore. I want you to be a big brother. I don't want to be fussed and coddled by you anymore. We're not kids anymore Linc, we don't need you to rob gas stations to put food on the table. We need you to be our brother again."

I sigh and look around the room, framed pictures of us lined the walls, Sidney's idea. Pictures of all of us with mom to Michael's graduation last May. "Do you know how long it's been since I've just been a brother?"

"Ya, I do. I also know that mom you be proud of you."


I pull on my jacket before I take Sidney's in my hand and go out the door. Sidney is sitting on the ground just outside the door. No matter how mad she was she knew better than to wonder far from the apartment alone. I hand her her jacket before I slide down the brick wall and sit beside her. She tucks her jacket under her chin as she pulls her knees up to her chest. We sit in silence until I finally speak, knowing she won't speak first. "I'm sorry." I say as I look over at her. "I'm sorry I freaked out Sid. You're a smart girl and I know you'll do the smart thing."

"You were being a big asshole you know that right?" she says, still looking at the other building across the alley.

"I know. I've been one for a long time. It's not easy being a parent no matter how old you get. And I just let my issues transfer over to your life. You're not me. You're smart, even tempered. You don't get caught up in shit like I do. So I know you won't make my mistake."

"I didn't mean to hurt you by telling Michael first. It's just…I mean he….he gets it I guess."

"He acts like a brother." I say, repeating what Michael had said.

"Ya." She says, finally turning her head and looking at me. "I get why you can't always be my brother. You've been in charge of us for so long I guess it's hard falling back into the role you were meant to have."

"I'm gonna try harder on that Sidney." I say as she leans against me and I wrap my arm around her and kiss her head. "I look at you and it's hard to believe that you're a woman and not that little girl that needed to me scare away the monsters. But I'm going to try. I promise.


Three weeks later the three of us were carrying boxes from the rented U-Haul into the small apartment three blocks from Michael's loft. "How much more?" Michael asks as I pass him, my arms full of boxes with a lamp shade resting on my head.

"Just the bed and bookshelf left." I say as I drop my load in front of Sidney who was unpacking the kitchen boxes. I straighten up and rotate my shoulders before I turn and follow Michael out the door. We work together and move the mattress and box springs into the only bedroom in this tiny apartment. Instead of both me and Sidney moving, Michael and I had talked just her into moving alone.

We got the last item in the building while Mike went back out to shut and lock the truck up. I started putting her bed together. Of course when he got back he had it together in five minutes. We helped her unpack the rest of her stuff and soon it was eight at night. Michael and I had work in the morning, but we all piled in the U-Haul and drove to a Mexican place. We ate chips and salsa, drank a few beers and talked about everything we could. We planned a visit to mom's grave over Thanksgiving.

We ordered some fired ice cream and ended up fighting over the last bite before Sidney took her fingers and popped it into her mouth before Mike or me.

We piled back in the truck and I dropped Mike and Sid off before I drove the short drive back to my now very empty apartment. I opened the door and locked it behind me, tossing my keys in the bowl that sat on the shelf to my left then I just looked around the room.

Some of the photo's were gone, as were most of the things off my fridge. The pile of shoes that was by the door was a lot smaller now, consisting of my work boots and running shoes. I turned off the light and went down the hallway and into where Sidney used to sleep. The room was bare, all that was in it was Michael's old lumpy matress and a mismatching dresser. Outlines of Sidney's posters and ribbons were on the walls, showing where they once hung. Most of them were in the trash now. It was almost as if she was never here. I sigh and walk out of the room, pulling the door shut close behind me. It wouldn't always be empty I told myself. LJ would sleep there on the weekends, he was finally going to have his own room here.

I walked into my bed room and plopped down on my bed. I tugged my t-shirt over my head and tossed in on the floor, it was quickly followed by my shoes and socks. It was too quiet in this place. I flop back on my bed and reach for the radio, turning it on, hoping it would kill the silence. I closed my eyes and forced myself to relax into the matress. I ended up drifting to sleep.


A shrill ring from the living room snapped me from my slumber. I sat up and turned off the radio, wondering if I had really heard the phone. Another right alerted me that I had. I roll off my bed and pad to the living room, thinking I needed to get one and put it in the bedroom. I pick it up and answer, my voice thick. "Hello?"

"Lincoln?" a soft voice hesitates on the other end of the line.

"What's up Sid?" I ask, plopping down in my old recliner.

"Were you asleep?"

"Yep, but it's okay. What's the matter?"

"I miss you."

"I miss you too little one." I say, rubbing my eyes and fighting not to let them drop closed.

"Can we go get some breakfast?" I look over to the clock on the wall.

"It's 3:30 am sweetie."

"I know. I can call Michael this time?" she asks hopefully. I sigh and tell her I'll meet them at the diner at four before I hang up. I wonder back to my room and I pull on a new shirt and some socks before I go back to the living room and pulling them and my boots on. I put my money in both my back pockets and pull my jacket over my shoulders before I walk out of my apartment, locking the door behind me. I walk down the alleys, wait for the bus, ride on the bus, and arrive at the diner at 4:03. I walk in and Sidney and Michael are in a booth, coffee steaming in the cups in front of them. I slide in next to Sidney and pick up my menu.

It had been a long time since I had just been a brother, but if this was what being a brother was about, then I thought I could get used to it.