I seriously can't thank you enough for the amazing response to this, I was really blown away! Thank you all so much!
Gordon barely heard Virgil's cry of alarm as the wave crashed over John, instinct taking over and causing the – usual – prankster to sprint across the sand, only one thought lodged in his mind: getting to John. He must have looked a picture to his brothers, weaving slightly as he worked with the waves. He knew that whilst going in a straight line would seem like the most direct route to reach his brother, the constant movement of the water would have slowed him down. Instead, Gordon found himself moving with the water, making his route slightly diagonal, but knowing that it was what was needed in order to get to John. He was vaguely aware of Scott speeding along after him, putting the redhead's very thoughts into practice as he tried to force his way through the waves.
After what felt like an age, Gordon knew that he was getting closer to John, and felt his legs give another burst of energy, pushing him to a greater speed than before. Within a few seconds, he threw himself down onto his knees next to where John was struggling to sit back up again. Reaching down, he sharply caught his brother around the chest, pulling the blond from the waves and clearing his head of the sea once and for all. As John coughed harshly, trying to expel the salt water that he had accidentally swallowed, Gordon slipped around the other side of the older man, letting John lean his weight back as he continued to cough. Rubbing his hand soothingly up and down in between John's shoulder blades, Gordon found that he was murmuring in a soft voice, encouraging his brother to clear his lungs. He hadn't even considered what he was doing, instead just letting the rescuer in him instinctively take over.
Just as John finally gained control of his slightly erratic breathing, shakily pushing himself into a more upright position whilst eyeing the still oncoming water with something that could resemble trepidation, Scott arrived. Refusing to meet Gordon's warning look, he regarded his immediate younger brother in concern for a long second. Finally satisfied that John was indeed alright, if a bit wet, the worry gave way to anger.
"What the hell were you doing, John?" he practically yelled, causing Gordon to roll his eyes as the redhead pushed himself to his feet, grimacing slightly at his soaking shorts. There went his desire to simply roll back into bed.
"Nothing," John muttered somewhat sheepishly as he refused to meet his brother's gaze. In all honesty, that was the truth. He had found himself lost in thought, part of him ashamed for cracking in front of Virgil. He hadn't intended for any of the family to find out how he was feeling, adamant that it was something that he had to deal with himself, but to lay it on his younger brother, and in such a blunt manner as well... Guilt and shame had been swirling around him to such an extent that he hadn't noticed the rapidly approaching water until the wave had knocked him off balance. Momentarily thrown, John hadn't been able to regain his position before another wave had come crashing in, pushing him further under. Unable to think straight, John had to admit that he had panicked. With the water closing in over his head, he found that everything he tried to grip onto in order to push himself up again was simply too slippery.
And then Gordon had appeared. Just as his brother had needed him the most, the aquanaut had cast a silhouette over him, and in that second John knew he was safe, even before Gordon had pulled him clear. That was why he couldn't tell the others. No matter what he was thinking, he did still feel safe around the rest of them, and in his mind, that just meant that he was being weak and selfish for feeling alone. They were there for him when he needed them the most. But still, John couldn't help but wonder whether they would be there for him when he simply wanted them to be, or whether some other call of duty would give them the excuse they needed in order not to have to try to force a conversation with their star-loving brother.
"It didn't look like nothing to me."
John knew Scott's anger was just a front to his worry, but suddenly the normally patient Tracy found the cord holding his temper in snapped without warning.
"Well, then, look harder!" he snarled, shaking off the small droplets of water still clinging to his skin and beginning to walk away. With his back to his brothers, he didn't see what Scott did, but he heard Gordon's voice.
"Drop it, Scott."
"Stay out of it, Gordon."
"Stay out of it?" It was Gordon's turn to get angry now, and John found that he practically had to force himself to carry on walking. He didn't want to be involved in an argument with them, not now. It would be nice in a way, for it would mean that he would be on the receiving end of their undivided attention for a change, but it was not the type of attention he was seeking. Right now, after everything that had happened over the Spring Break, he couldn't deal with an argument on top of everything else.
"Am I not part of this family as well, Scott? Do I not have the right to know what is going on with my brother?"
"Guys, stop it!" Virgil had arrived now, and John found that he immediately picked up his pace. He couldn't face his younger brother, not after what had come out of his mouth the last time they had been face to face on the beach.
"This isn't helping anyone." Glaring pointedly first at Scott, then Gordon, Virgil fixed them both with a look that normally only his oldest brother was capable of. Whilst he didn't know it, Gordon's words had touched exactly on the subject that was the matter. John wasn't feeling like he was part of the family, and watching him walk away with a frown tugging on his face, Virgil sighed deeply.
"Virg, what is this?" Scott asked quietly, following Virgil's gaze. The fact that John was out here at all signified something was very wrong; normally his younger brother took refuge in the stars when something was troubling him. It had driven Scott mad when they were young, for he had never been able to get the blond to open up about anything that was bothering him; instead he would just shut himself off from them, refusing to let anyone – not just Scott – in.
"I'm not sure," Virgil responded honestly. Sure, he knew how John was feeling, but he certainly didn't know what had brought it on. His older brother had been on the island for the best part of a week now, surely feelings of being left out would have subsided whilst he was around his family? Or had they once again been so focused on helping their youngest brother come to terms with what had happened that they hadn't been paying John enough attention?
"He's lonely," Gordon said simply, his eyes also fixed on his older brother. Sensing Virgil move his gaze from John onto him, Gordon turned to meet the look head on. "What?"
"Has he said something to you?"
"Virgil, you don't sit on a beach and not notice the tide is coming in around you at three in the morning unless something is wrong. And if John isn't doing what he normally does when something is troubling him, it means he can't find comfort in it. If he can't find comfort in his normal retreat, he is lonely."
Aware of both Scott and Virgil staring at him in surprise, their mouths practically hanging open in shock, Gordon rolled his eyes.
"Now what?"
"Where the hell did that come from?"
"It was something my psychiatrist once told me," Gordon muttered, looking away and finding that he was unable to meet their gaze. He hated being reminded of that particular time, the one time the entire family tried not to think about. He would have never thought that those months in the hospital after his accident would ever be any help but there was the odd occasion where the sessions Gordon had thought had been a complete waste of time proved useful. Sensing his brother's change in mood, Scott reached out a hand, giving the redhead's shoulder a gentle squeeze and receiving a tired grin for his efforts.
"So what do we do?" the oldest Tracy boy murmured softly, turning his attention back to John. The blond had stopped a short distance away from them - lack of beach providing him with no other alternative - and it was quite clear that he didn't want to simply walk back past them up to the house. His head was turned out to sea and without having to see his face, Scott knew what expression would be resting there, he had seen it after their mother had died. But Scott had been so overwhelmed with the loss coupled with the responsibility he had suddenly found himself shouldering that he knew he hadn't been the best comfort for his little brother back then.
"No idea," Gordon responded truthfully. His psychiatrist had been very good at spouting random sayings, ones Gordon often found stuck in his head at the most irrelevant of times, but he had never addressed what was to be done about the situation, instead coming up with strange metaphors that had left the redhead more bewildered than when they had started.
"This," Virgil replied in a matter of fact tone. Scuffing his way through the water swirling around his feet, he slowly but surely approached his brother.
"Johnny? You okay?" His voice was soft and reassuring, but Virgil couldn't help but feel like it was a false front he was putting on. It was the type of voice he used when on a rescue, especially when talking to someone who had very little chance of making it out alive. Had they drawn away from their brother so much that now he didn't know how to address John as a Tracy, but only as another victim he had been sent to rescue?
"Fine," John muttered, refusing to meet Virgil's gaze and instead continuing to stare with a sense of desperate intensity out to sea. It was so vast, so powerful and open. And it made him feel so small.
"Johnny, don't do this." Virgil was partly aware that Scott and Gordon were closing in behind them, but sticking out a hand, the artistic Tracy attempted to wave them back, knowing that John would simply run if he felt crowded. Considering he wasn't feeling like he truly belonged in the family anyway, making him feel as if they were ganging up on him certainly wasn't going to help matters.
"Don't shut me – us - out. Let us help, John, let us in." Gingerly reaching out a hand, Virgil hesitated for a moment, before steeling himself and letting it rest on John's shoulder. He couldn't help but feel a rush of relief when John made no movement to dislodge it. Maybe he hadn't distanced himself as much as he felt?
"What is there to say, Virg?" John muttered quietly, knowing by the way his brother suddenly froze that he agreed. Virgil knew how he was feeling; he had made that more than apparent. What was there he could say in a few sentences that would make it all better again? This time, even Scott didn't have that power. Not that that was going to stop him from trying though, and ignoring Virgil's hand signals, he moved forward again.
"Come on, John, let's get you back to the house. You're soaked."
"I'm fine."
"Damnit, you could have just drowned, don't tell me you are fine!"
"Don't tell me what to do then, Scott! You may not have realised, but you aren't my boss!" Shaking off Virgil's hand, John turned on his heel and marched back up the beach, barely sparing the surprised look on Gordon's face a second glance. He knew he should be thanking the redhead, his kid brother had practically saved his life after all, but he just couldn't bring himself to look at the hurt echoed within Gordon's eyes.
"Don't you walk away from me, John!"His anger returning in full swing as he realised he didn't know how he could help his little brother, Scott ran after John's retreating back, grabbing him by the arm and spinning the younger man around to face him again.
"Or what?" John challenged, sick of Scott's attitude. He knew that his brother was only trying to help, it was instinct to the oldest Tracy son, desperate to banish all the demons for his younger siblings. But John couldn't help but feel Scott had his hands full with the others at the moment. After all, he was just one man, and there were four of them. After an event which had so nearly destroyed their family forever? No, Scott had enough on his plate right now.
"You'll tell Dad?" A slight mocking tone infiltrating his voice, John met Scott's look head on, inwardly wincing at the pain he had put in his brother's eyes. Scott was trying to do what he thought was best for John, and his younger brother had simply shot him down. His teeth grating together in an attempt to keep his temper, Scott knew it wasn't the first time, either. Virgil might be worried that they hadn't made contact with John for anything other than IR business, but neither had the blond. He only called in when there was a situation to report, he probably didn't even notice how quickly he disconnected himself after his duty was done, not giving his brothers any chance to ask after him.
"What the hell is going on with you?" Scott asked quietly, a sense almost of desperation laced in his voice as he tried to get through to John. He could see the loneliness in his brother's eyes; Gordon had certainly got that bit right. So why on earth wasn't John trying to do something about it rather than just shrugging them off at every opportunity?
"Nothing," John muttered, his own attitude dissipating almost as quickly as it had come, a dull flush making its way up his neck, barely visible in the moonlight. He felt ashamed of himself, that was for sure. He could see they were all here now, all ready to help him. And yet, whether the distance between them was real or just in his mind, John couldn't bring himself to let everything out. It was just easier to pretend that nothing was wrong.
"Try again," Scott responded, his eyes searching John's face intently, trying to find any sign which would mean that John would allow him access to his thoughts. Scott had always prided himself in being able to read his brothers, they themselves often joking that he could see into their souls. But now, it was almost as if John had drawn the blinds across the back of his eyes, shutting out the world and diving into himself. Leaving his big brother standing alone on the outside.
"I'm fine, Scotty, honest." His voice soft and quiet, John inwardly winced at how desperate he sounded. He just wanted them to stop asking! When Scott remained quiet, John shrugged his arm free of his brother's grip and turned again. Pausing for a moment to see if anything happened, he slowly began walking away.
"Johnny, wait."
Closing his eyes briefly at Gordon's voice, John did precisely the opposite, instead speeding up. He couldn't tell them the truth, he just couldn't. He hadn't meant to let slip to Virgil how he was feeling, but he certainly couldn't tell another younger brother that he felt like he had been abandoned, forgotten about in the depths of space. Alan moaned that it wasn't fair when they all talked about the rescues, but John agreed with him. He might be there over the communications, but when something went wrong, they were very quick to forget to keep him informed as they potentially fought to save one of their brothers' lives. But at the same time, they also forgot to close down the line. Meaning that John heard everything, yet got told nothing.
Beginning to pound a comfortable rhythm into the sand, John groaned out loud as he heard sounds of pursuit. Gordon was definitely coming after him, but which brother Scott was attempting to intercept, he was not so sure. Just as Gordon seemed to give up, knowing that his brother clearly had no desire to talk to him, John's luck ran out. Not paying attention to where he was going, he didn't notice the small rock resting innocently in the sand, not until his ankle went over awkwardly on it. With a small cry of surprise, he didn't have time to react until he fell, landing heavily on his knees.
"John! John, are you okay?"
Wondering if that was the only question Virgil was capable of asking him, John didn't answer, instead letting himself rock forward a bit, his forehead almost touching the sand. No. He wasn't okay. And despite his earlier thoughts, he couldn't pretend any more.
"It's alright, Johnny." Scott was the first to reach him, kneeling down next to his brother, his hand rubbing lightly across John's back.
"I can't do this anymore."
"John?"
"I can't go back there! I can't be on my own anymore. I can't do it, I just can't!" It was harder to say who was more surprised when a harsh sob suddenly caught in John's throat, tears springing to his eyes even as he felt his cheeks burn in humiliation. Why on earth did he have to break down now? In front of Scott? In front of the younger ones? Barely noticing Scott press himself in closer, trying to draw him upright, John instead just folded into himself, arms crossed across his stomach, almost curled into a ball.
"Come on, Johnny, it's gonna be okay..."
"Don't make me go back there, Scott..." All of the barriers that John had been desperately trying to hold up suddenly came crashing down, causing him to almost collapse onto his brother as tears flowed unrestricted down his cheeks, his breathing catching harshly in his throat as he struggled to control himself. He didn't even notice Virgil and Gordon finally catch up with the pair of them, the former automatically pulling Gordon away. One look from Scott and they both went running towards the house, knowing what their older brother meant.
"I can't go back there, don't make me. I don't want to be forgotten about anymore..."
"John, listen to me." Grasping his brother by the shoulders, Scott forced John into a more upright sitting position, although he knew the second he let go, John would fall again, the younger man seemed to have lost the ability to work his own body. It took rather a lot of coaxing, but finally Scott managed to get John to raise his head, although his heart immediately clenched at the look of desperation and loss on his little brother's face.
"No one has ever forgotten about you. No one has ever made you go up there. You wanted to, remember?"
"I don't want to anymore. Don't want to be on my own, don't want to lose you..."
As John fell forward again, Scott found his arms automatically going around his brother. One hand across John's back, the other resting at the bottom of John's neck, his fingers instinctively toying with the end of John's hair. Glancing towards the heavens, praying for strength, Scott finally knew what was going on with his brother.
It wasn't so much that John felt forgotten about; the family all knew how tight their bonds were. Despite the distance the youngest member of the family had created, Alan still admitted to looking to his brothers for the answers he was seeking, even if he would never admit it if directly asked. And yet John had been on his own when the missile had struck, Brains' analysis quite clearly showing that the blond could easily never have had the chance to call for help. And then had come the attack on the island. If they hadn't flown to John's rescue, Scott was more than aware that the Hood would have taken the pleasure of finishing them off personally right here, in their home. And there would have been no one to tell John. It wasn't that he was feeling forgotten about, not really. It was that he was scared that something would happen, and he truly would be stuck on his own. Whether or not John realised that himself, however, was a different matter entirely.
Cursing himself for not having realised the emotional strain John had been under since the attack, Scott pulled his legs out from under him, navigating himself into a more comfortable position as he continued to hold his brother. John seemed to have forgotten how to breathe calmly, erratic and sharp breaths being sucked in at irregular intervals as he attempted to force the emotions back. But Scott had no intention of letting him do that, not now the blond had finally begun to let everything go.
"Johnny, you are never going to lose us, no matter what happens..."
"Don't wanna be alone..." John's voice was quieter now, and with the knowledge he had gained from practically raising his four younger siblings, Scott knew that exhaustion was crashing back down again. He wasn't surprised, none of them had slept properly for days and this level of emotion took it out of a fully rested person, let alone one that had decided to unburden themselves at about half past three in the morning.
"You're not, John. I'm right here." Slipping his arm under John's shoulders, Scott pulled the pair of them to their feet, keeping up a stream of reassurances as John continued to mumble under his breath, his eyelids almost drooping where he stood, leaning heavily on his brother.
"C'mon, star man; let's get you into something dry and into bed."
Trying to hide his worry as John began to shiver; Scott found that he was practically dragging the younger man along the beach, John not assisting him in the slightest. Beginning to pant with the effort, Scott had never been so thankful to see the house loom out of the darkness at him. Now just came the matter of getting John up the steps.
Luckily, before he had to tackle the task, Virgil and Gordon reappeared at the top. Gordon was down the stairs almost before his oldest brother could blink, draping John's other arm over his shoulders, mindful of the blond's aching shoulder. Between the two of them, they slowly managed to navigate their brother up to the top, just in time to see their father emerge at the doorway.
Jeff was out of the door like a shot upon catching sight of his sons. He had been sitting with Alan, reassuring himself by the steady breathing of his youngest child that they were all safe again, when Virgil and Gordon had appeared. Without them saying anything, Jeff knew something had happened: he could read his boys well enough to know that the look in their eyes meant something other than desperation to crawl back into bed.
Leaving Alan's room quietly, Virgil had got as far as muttering something was going on with John before Gordon had suddenly shot away. Glancing out of the window that had been occupying the prankster's attention, Virgil too had vanished on catching sight of his older brothers, one attempting to drag the other back to the house. Blinking in astonishment, Jeff had found himself momentarily freezing, wondering what on earth was happening, before his paternal instincts had taken back over and he'd gone sprinting after his sons. Coming to a stop in the doorway, he felt a wave of shock rush over him at seeing John, tears running silently down his face, soaking wet. But it was the look on Scott's face that made him realise that something was very wrong. His eldest son looked for the entire world like he had failed his brother, and knowing what the paranoid man could be like when it came to looking out for his siblings, Jeff knew that something deep was going on. There were not many occasions he could bring to mind when Scott had looked like that.
"John?" His voice barely coming out as anything more than a whisper, Jeff smiled gratefully at his fourth born as Gordon slipped out from under John's arm with a meaningful look at his father. Immediately taking over, Jeff winced when he felt how sodden John's clothes were; it was almost as if he had been swimming.
Between the two of them, the oldest members of the family managed to get the astronaut down the corridor and into his room. As Scott moved away, giving his father some peace whilst knowing that it was now down to him to sort out Virgil and Gordon – it wasn't every day they saw their big brother completely break down – Jeff managed to get his son into some dry clothes, almost as if John was still the same little boy he had been over twenty years ago.
Scott didn't have to go very far to find the other two. All three of them could be found leaning against the wall in silence, waiting for their father. The second Jeff stepped out of the door; Scott pushed himself away from his support, taking a step forward. Raising his hand soothingly, Jeff stopped his son before he could go any further.
"Leave him, Scott, he's sleeping."
"But is he...?"
"No, Virgil, I don't think he is okay. Do any of you care to explain what on earth is going on with your brother?"
