Disclaimer: Link says I don't own LoZ, so I'm going to assume he's right.
Link, Hero of Many Titles, growled angrily as he stomped into Telma's bar. "Hey, Link! How're you, sugar?" asked the rather impressively endowed bar owner.
"Awful," Link said, trying hard not to stare at her. How did she not fall over from the weight of her…?
"Oh, dear. Can I help you?"
"Yes, I'd like some beer."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Link. I can't give you any of that. Why don't you have some milk?"
"Milk! What? Do you realize what I've been through?"
Telma looked at him blankly. "I've rescued Zelda more times than I can count, slaughtered monsters, killed Ganon, and basically kicked butt every day of my life. I should be a broken shell of a man suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, but I'm not. You're telling me I'm old enough to do all that, but I'm not old enough to have a drink?"
"I'm sorry, Link, but do you have an i.d.?"
"What? No, I don't! I don't need an i.d.!"
"Well, I'm sorry, but the Twilight Princess trading cards say you're only a teenager, sugar, and that means you can't have alcohol, but you can have some tasty milk!"
"Telma, I don't want milk! I want beer!"
"I'm sorry, Link."
"Come on, I hang out in a bar. People know that alcohol is served in bars!"
"But it would be bad for minors if their hero was drinking, Link."
"Come on…just one drink before I have to give up an entire thirty-five hours to rescue Zelda?"
"I'm sorry, Link, but I cannot do it."
"But…but that doesn't make any sense! So it's okay to murder and slaughter things en masse with a huge sword, but it's not okay to drink alcohol? Screw this! And you know what else, Telma? They'll put in stuff like you, and I can't have a drink!"
"Who are they?" Telma asked.
"Nintendo. Look, Telma, fine. Will you at least help me find a better sword?"
Telma twitched. "Chests hold many objects."
"Well, duh. Now…sword?"
"Chests hold many objects."
"Oh, imagine that. Now come on…where can I find a better sword?"
"Chests hold many objects. You can search any chest you find."
Link sighed. "Of course, because Zelda can't just give me a freakin' sword. Because I can't just have the freakin' Master Sword. Goddesses, why can't she be wise enough to tell the previous hero, 'Hey, don't throw away your sword after every little thing you do!' And why do I have to buy a shield? I'm a hero; isn't there some sort of coming-of-age hero discount? These people are the most ungrateful lot ever! Goddesses, I need a drink!"
Telma promptly deposited a bottle of milk before him, which Link took and held in his hands (the bottle for some reason, spinning and levitating). For some reason, he stood there for a good seven seconds, gawking at the bottle of milk. Finally, the milk vanished…somewhere on his person, and Link sighed. "Alright; I can take a hint. I'm not getting any beer, so I'm going to go break into peoples' houses, steal their stuff, destroy their pottery, and then go slay thousands of monsters while vandalizing and looting sacred temples in various parts of Hyrule."
"Good," Telma said.
Link nodded and then frowned. "Say…uh, Telma, what kind of preservatives do you put in this milk, anyway? I can carry it around for months, and it doesn't spoil."
Telma rolled her eyes. "Link, silly boy, who's ever heard of milk spoilling? Just remember: chests hold many objects!"
Link sighed and decided to leave the bar. Silently, he decided Telma was insane and vowed never to drink the milk from her bar.
Author's Note: I am sorry I can't answer any reviews, but I'm going on a trip, so I decided to post this before I go. I am very grateful for them all, and I hope this chapter was just as funnier, if not more, as the first.
