Chapter 2
Burning, he was burning. The world seemed to haze as a rage overflowed his mind and seeped into his body. Every inch of muscle felt like it was being prodded with the tip of a sharp blade. His heart raced, the temperature rose into his face. It was happening again—Pon Farr.
"Spock!"
He recognized the voice and cringed away at the soft touch on his arm. Crossing his arms, he knelt to the floor, concentrating on the savage thoughts that were now in battle with his logical mind.
Take him! His mind hissed. I want him! Crush him, bite him, fuck him!
"No." He whispered through gritted teeth. Refusing to succumb to the urge in his body, smelling Jim's scent so close, how easy it would be to simply rush him and take what he needed. Humans were weak, it wouldn't take much effort. Spock could hear Jim's heart beating frantically; he heard a gasp before he glanced through blurred vision up at his face.
"Spock, let go!"
He had grasped Jim's wrist tightly as his fingers twitched from lack of circulation. When had he grabbed him? His body refused to obey his thoughts, his hand having a mind of its own, keeping a firm grip despite Jim's efforts to pull away.
"Spock!" There was a hint of fear in his voice.
The beast inside him stirred, craved more. He felt his groin pulsate, growing stiffer with each painful gasp Jim made.
Take him, now! Spock's control wavered. One moment he was kneeling on the floor, the next he found himself on top of Jim, pinning down his arms. His stomach clenched as he noticed the shirt ripped open, revealing bloody scratches and bite marks that traveled up to his neck. Two honey eyes stared up at him wide with horror.
"Jim." He whispered, pushing himself off of him. Staring at his shaky hands, he tried to fight for control. He needed to meditate, to isolate this urge, desire. His T'hy'la would not die by his hands. Jim's solid arms slid around his shoulders from behind, his heart pounding against his back, shallow breaths at his ear and flinched as the beast roared to life again.
He is my bond-mate! He is mine! He must give me what I want! His head screamed.
"Spock, I'm here." He softly whispered in his ear.
"Jim." It came out strained, "Leave me."
Those arms squeezed him tighter, burying his head in the gape of Spock's neck.
"No, I won't."
The warm breath on his neck sent chills down his spine as he inhaled the sweet scent of his aftershave of lavender, spicy berries and sandalwood, such an odd but intoxicating combination. He could feel his erection pulsate again, body roaring with the need. A growl rumbled from his chest.
I must have him!
His sight stained red. From a distance he could he painful screams, gasps. Spock could feel the soft, fragile skin beneath his fingers, tasting a decadent aroma within his mouth. Adrift in a sea of pure pleasure, all senses drowning from it. There were no thoughts, no emotions, just need. Nothing mattered but to satisfy it, to release it. The world did not exist; he was falling into an abyss, falling with no one to catch him, emptiness.
Spock jolted awake panting. The red haze dissipated and the world returned to him. He was lying on soft carpeting, staring up at a familiar ceiling, naked. His heart pounding in his ears, he glanced around and deduced he was in Jim's apartment. He couldn't quite recall how he had arrived or what transpired earlier. Thoughts stirred in his mind, he remembered he was reaching Pon Farr, but he couldn't remember what had happened.
A soft moan made him whip his head around to see the figure of Jim curled up on his side. Strands of clothing still clung to his body but the majority had been ripped away. Gashes were scattered and bleeding steadily, giant bruises forming on his torso and arms, his wrists were blue and purple from being squeezed so tightly, bite marks were visible and deep near his throat. A small tremble ran through his body.
Spock didn't hide the panic in his voice, "Jim!"
Gingerly, he grasped his face and caressed it softly, his heart dropping when Jim did not stir.
"Jim?"
What have I done?
He was in a serious condition, Spock knew he had to act fast or his T'hy'la would die. Gracefully rising to his feet, he rushed over to Jim's communicator and called for the man he knew he could trust. It felt too long before an irritable voice answered.
"Jim, it's four o'clock in the damn morning, this better be good."
"Doctor, we are in need of your assistance. Jim is injured."
"What?" McCoy breathed, "What's happened?"
"Pon Farr, doctor." He said flatly, he didn't need to explain further. McCoy knew what that entailed from his last experience where he thought he had killed Jim. Now, he felt certain that he might have succeeded.
"Dammit! Why wasn't I called? He better be alive, Spock. So help me God, if you killed him, I will show you a hell you have only seen in your dreams! Where are you?"
"We are currently in his apartment." Spock didn't argue. He would gladly accept any form of punishment for what he has done.
"Don't move him. I'll be there as soon as I can."
Some inaudible curse words floated over the speaker before the transmission went dead. Spock glanced over at Jim, a tightening knot growing in his stomach. This was the reason he pushed him away, the reason he didn't want to return his love, to keep Jim safe. He knew Jim would never leave him under any circumstance. Spock had to leave him.
Once McCoy arrived and eased his concern for Jim's life, Spock took one last glance at him before turning and leaving for Vulcan. Ignoring the calls from Jim was difficult, and deleting messages nearly tore him inside. But he busied himself as an Ambassador and hardly thought of him, until the last message. He didn't know what came over him to listen to it, but he found his finger hitting the play button before his mind could protest.
"It's not your fault, Spock." Jim tried to stay strong, but his face gave his emotions away. "I don't hold any grudge or negative feelings about what happened. It was simply out of your control."
No, Spock thought, I could have stopped it. I could have suppressed it until you were safe.
"I hear you're an Ambassador now, congratulations." He gave a weak smile. "I've been invited to see off the new Enterprise, but it won't really be the Enterprise without you there. I know you turned down there invitation and I know I'm the reason why." His eyes dropped, Spock could see his jaw clench, fighting to keep himself in control. Jim's pain hit him like a thousand knives. He clenched his hands, digging fingernails into his skin until he felt warm liquid seep out.
"I know you've been busy, but I miss you. Promise you'll come to see me when I get back?" Jim shook his head slightly, smiling as he looked down in a slight sense of hopelessness. His honey eyes darting back up to look at him, "I know I don't usually say this but," he trailed off, eyes wandering off in deep thought before he continued, "I just want to say, I love you."
Spock clenched his eyes shut, couldn't bear to see any more pain and longing on his face.
"Please don't forget me."
A flash of anger swept through those piercing blue eyes as the young Jim stood impatiently waiting for an answer. Feverishly pacing in the cave, muttering to himself, kicking snow with his boot before stopping at the far wall, "I can't just sit here and do nothing, Spock." He whirled around, "You have to tell me how you know about Nero, and why you're so old. What's going on?" He snapped, eyes bearing down on him.
"Jim." He whispered before gracefully standing. "It would be easier if I showed you." He said, lifting his hand to Jim's face as he approached.
Fear washed out the anger as he quickly diverted, just out of reach.
"What are you doing?" It wasn't quite a question or a demand. His eyes searched Spock's face tentatively, seeking out some sort of reassurance.
"Our minds. One and together." He said before silently reminding himself that he was beginning to slip important details. He could have said the "mind meld" but instead chose to encrypt the fact that this wasn't the first time he'd ever been in contact with Jim's mind, that they were in fact already connected. As his fingers laid neatly on the psi points of Jim's face without much need to search for them, he allowed himself a moment to embrace the feel of Jim's skin under his fingertips. His skin was chilled but he could feel the warmth creep up his arm and into his heart. A shadowed memory of the first time he had connected with such a beautiful mind played out before him. It was so bright, so deep, and the strength it held lured him in, made him crave for more.
Confusion was plain on Jim's face, but deep into those eyes, Spock could see a spark, trust. Before he could lose himself completely, he connected their minds. There was a quick flash of light, a whir of color, the buzz of the scattered thoughts of Jim. The brightness Spock had remembered of his Jim was now dimmed, but the strength was still intact, he could feel the walls guarding certain thoughts from him. But without Jim realizing, he allowed a window to open for a moment, but a moment was all that was needed for Spock to see the damage he had done.
Jim's childhood was full of anger, hatred, and fear. Images of an alcoholic step-father, Jim yearning to have known his biological father, his absentee mother began floating through their minds. Spock saw glimpses of his step-father's rage, beating him, screaming into his face. He saw his mother kissing him goodbye and felt Jim's heart tug at the memory. Flashes of fights that had no purpose except to rid him of uncontrollable anger fleeted passed them. Before Spock could see anymore, Jim slammed the window shut.
I was so lonely. Jim's voice whispered in Spock's mind. A pain shot out in the connection. Guilt began to eat away at Spock.
I know Jim. You were in my lifetime as well. I am sorry. He whispered, trying hard to not share those moments of pain he remembered from his Jim, knowing well enough he was the source of it.
Before the young mind could ask the question building up in his subconscious, Spock flooded his mind with the images of his mission. He explained hastily about his journey from the future, how he had failed, the guilt and sorrow he felt as he watched helplessly while his planet was destroyed. Before he could pull away from Jim's mind, he felt an image slip from his barrier. An image of his older Jim stroking the Vulcan's check gingerly as he confessed his love for him and the feeling of joy as Spock reciprocated the feeling before they shared in a passionate kiss.
Spock felt his loneliness and longing explode into Jim's mind and he ripped his mind away as quickly as he could before his barrier could crumble. The young Jim gasped for air as the connected disconnected. His eyes were filled with tears, trying desperately not to look at Spock as he stumbled away from him.
"Forgive me." Spock spoke hesitantly, watching his back as he continued to gasp for air, fighting through the emotions Spock had left dangling in his mind. "Emotional transfer has affected the mind meld."
"So, you do feel." Jim breathed.
Spock's heart quickened.
"Yes."
A silence fell between them. Spock didn't dare to move closer. He waited patiently for him to compose himself, to sort out his mind and come to terms with it. Then Jim whispered something that would have not been heard if not for Spock's advanced hearing.
"You loved me."
