Luke's Dark Year Part II
--Her Name Was Mimi--
There was a buzzing on the dresser, the phone alternating beeping and vibrating. It was a different dresser, low and double wide, made of worn cherry. A silver cell phone stood in a charging stand atop it. As it buzzed the screen on the outside lit up, revealing the caller: Honey Bun.
Groggy and confused, Luke rolled out of bed. He was on the right side of a king sized mattress with a fluffy beige comforter and light blue sheets. He wore a t-shirt that read YALE across the front in big bold navy blue letters and red plaid boxers. Half crawling, Luke made it to the phone and fumbled picking it up. "Hello?" he asked, not bothering to check the display, but mentally noting that it was 3am after glancing at a purple fuzzy alarm clock.
"Luke?" He heard a timid voice on the other side of the line ask, almost choked with tears.
Luke's heart began to pound. "Lorelai. Where are you?"
"I'm sorry," she replied, sniffling.
"It's okay, just come home," he pleaded, while rubbing the back of his neck. "I can't sleep without you here."
The was silence on the other end of the line, save for her shallow gasping and Luke dreaded her next words.
"Something's wrong," she said in the faintest of whispers.
"Where are you?" he pressed, the pounding of his heart starting to ring in his ears, the panic starting to coil in his belly.
"At the Dragonfly, room four..." More sobs were clearly heard.
"Do you want me to come get you?"
"Something's wrong Luke..."
"What's wrong?" Luke pleaded, angst ridden, still kneeling in front of that black dresser, staring at a framed picture of a smitten Emily Gilmore holding a smiling little boy.
No answer came from the other line. Luke heard a crash and without any further thought he was on his feet and out the door of that room. Still in his pajamas, bare footed, full thigh and leg showing, Luke ran through the front door of the Dragonfly Inn. The night manager lifted his head from the desk and regarded Luke groggily but didn't stop him as he ran up the stairs.
Reaching room four, Luke tried the handle. It didn't budge. "Lorelai, sweetheart, open the door!" he shouted, jiggling the handle. No answer came. And with that he stood back and ran with all of his might into the door, with his shoulder leading the way. It felt like there was a concrete wall behind that door, but nothing was going to stop him from opening it. He banged and banged on the door until his arm felt numb and the sweat was dripping down his body. It wasn't even moving an inch, there was no give, it would not open. One last time he shouted her name and fell to the floor, gasping for breath, cradling his broken shoulder.
There was another bang and in a giant flash of light, Luke's eyes flew open. He was on the floor, in his apartment above the diner, staring up at the ceiling. His arm was tangled in a sheet and numb, judging by the pins and needles in his hand, he realized that he must have been sleeping on it. It was morning and Luke felt as though he'd been awake for months. The reality of the past year came to him slowly and settled upon his shoulders like a giant weight. Silently he thanked God for throwing him from his bed because he wondered how he ever would have gotten out of it again under his own power.
Luke's first waking moments set the tone for his entire day and he soon found that he could not handle his own company. The diner was slow and his thoughts were overwhelming. His lawyer had advised him to ask someone to write a character reference for his court case and Luke anxiously anticipated what his sister might come up with. He gave up at 4PM and offered to pay Lane double overtime if she could stay until closing. And he got out of there as fast as his feet would take him.
He arrived at his sister's home, breaking several traffic laws on his way over, and promptly banged on her front door. He heard Doula begin to scream and immediately regretted the noise he had made. Still his sister cheerily answered the door, placing Doula in his arms the moment he stepped inside. The baby immediately quieted and instantly it brought some calm to Luke's racing heartbeat. But then he read his sister's character reference. He had to place the baby in her crib before he lost the scant remains of his breakfast. He forced a smile for Liz and excused himself, saying he had to return to the diner. The letter was almost laughable and there was no one else in the world that could write it for him.
He sped the entire way to Woodbury and Curtis House, claimed his stool and began to rack up his tab. His thoughts were bordering on suicidal, he didn't know how he'd make it through the next few weeks after the court date if he wasn't allowed to ever see his kid again. He couldn't think of anyone in his life, that knew him, that knew his kid, that could possibly write something satisfactory for him. Well he could, he could ask Lorelai, but that was one step he wasn't sure he could take. The thought made his disposition sink even lower, adding 'cowardly' to his mix of already conflicted emotions and short-comings. His first shot of Jack Daniels was for his daughter that he would soon lose. His second was for Lorelai. The third was for his dwindling man-hood, another was for camp-girl, false-Hope, then one for Nicole, Rachel, even Candace and Carrie. He rotated between them until he was told that the bottle was empty. He looked up at the clock and could barely make out the shaking hand pointing at what he thought was 9pm.
He tried to explain to Tommy about his Lorelai and his April, he kept saying, my Lorelai, my April. He tried to tell Tommy about how he'd probably lost them both, but his drink addled brain couldn't parse the words. The moment Luke fell backwards from the stool, he closed his eyes and wondered if that was it. He half hoped that when he opened his eyes he'd see his mom and dad, that they'd say it was all a big joke, that maybe Lorelai would be there, holding his hand, laughing along.
And when he finally did open his eyes, she was there and he wasn't sure if she was real. He surveyed his surroundings. There was a tall bar table where his head rested, a bench that he was sitting on, and a half empty glass of water by his arm. Lorelai was on a bar stool to his right, looking down at him with a worried expression.
After a few more minutes of processing, he looked her in the eye. Well, one of her seven or so moving eyes. "Real?" he struggled to ask, while he squinted and swallowed, trying to visually put her back together and failing.
She put her hand on his forearm and bit her lip. "Yeah, Luke."
"Fuck dup," he told her, trying so hard to act sober, but still unwilling to raise his head from the table for fear of it causing the world to spin and rotate around him. Her bouncing blurry face was starting to give him a head ache.
Lorelai opened her mouth to respond but found no words. She closed it and sighed, "Do you think you can walk?"
When he nodded after taking a deep breath, she reached around his back, grabbed him under his arm and almost dragged him to his feet. Luke put as much weight on her as he could control and started to stagger towards the door. "Lore-lai," he whispered, one arm around her and one tightly grasping his own abdomen.
"Shhh," she hissed with some aggravation. "Not now Luke, you're piss drunk."
It was a team effort, but Luke managed to plop himself into the passenger seat of her Jeep, his head resting against the plastic window enclosure to his right. Lorelai climbed into the driver's side and started to pull away from the curb her face clouded with worry and frustration.
"Were na goin' ta... Suhhollow?" Luke tried to ask while bobbing his head and gesturing with his hand, when he noticed a blurry Taco Bell sign above his head.
"No," Lorelai expressed with finality. "We're going for a drive after I get you something to drink."
"Wha?" Luke asked, raising his left hand to shield his face from the bright light of the parking lot. By the time his palm got to his forehead, he felt Lorelai pulling it back down and an extra large Taco Bell cup was shoved into his hand. Luke wondered if he had traveled through time.
"You better start sipping if you know whats good for you."
"Lorelai?"
"Drink it! Now!" She snapped, hands tightly gripping the wheel. With a huff Lorelai shifted from park and pulled out of the lot while Luke dutifully sipped the bright blue liquid from the cup, her voice ringing painfully in his ears.
As soon as she noticed that he had taken a few large gulps she started to question him. "What has gotten into you Luke? Your friend at the bar said you've been going there almost every week since... since... June." Luke was still obviously drunk but he still detected the shakiness of her voice. How was he supposed to explain to her that what he had said to her on that May morning, that felt like a hundred years ago, was still true? That without her, or April now, none of it mattered?
He bit back on his sadness, suddenly feeling soberness wash over him. "Whadda you care," he stated more than asked.
"I care, Luke!" She shouted back with obviously aggravation in her voice, Luke cringed and grabbed his forehead again. They soon let the silence overtake them.
"No, you don't," he finally said. And again, silence. Lorelai took a few intermittent breaths every once in a while, trying to force her thoughts from her mind but continually bit them down.
"Are you trying to kill yourself?" Lorelai prompted him finally, after what felt like hours, her voice cracking on the last word. She feigned intense interest in the road and leaned forward in her seat, blinking rapidly.
Luke put his now empty cup on the floor, he fold his arms over the dash and buried his head in them. His brain shouted what he wanted to say, pounded, but he couldn't let her in. "My dad woulda kicked my ass..." Luke whispered, not realizing he had said it out loud.
"What?" Lorelai asked, caught off guard as his response wasn't the one she had thought she expected.
Luke turned his head and looked over at her. "I didn't lie, my dad would have loved you. He would have killed me if he found out what I did to you."
"Luke..." Lorelai whispered, trying to keep her emotions at bay.
"It's true, I fucked us up."
"You weren't the one that fucked up," she told him, her voice cracking. With that Lorelai pulled over into the shoulder and rubbed her face with her hands.
"Lorelai--"
"Please don't say it like that."
"Like what?"
"Like you used to..."
"Why didn't you just punch me?"
"What?" she asked, incredulous, finally removing her hands and turning to face him, just for a moment, before she looked away again.
"Remember when I moved to Lichfield with Nicole?" Luke asked her, noticing a slight cringe flit across her face. "You were so mad I didn't tell you, you just ran out the diner." With my heart, he thought. "Talking about decomposing..." When she didn't respond he continued, "It was so small compared to this, but you--you called me on it."
"I don't know," Lorelai whispered softly as a tear fell down her cheek.
"This was so much worse, what I did to you."
"The last time I pushed you Luke..."
"I pushed back," he said, realization dawning upon him, remembering her parents vow renewal. "Lo-- I, I don't know what happened to us."
"Me either."
"I...." Love you so much, he thought and stopped himself before he voiced the words.
"Lets get you home," Lorelai said as she noticed the awkward silence that suddenly seemed to envelop them. She pulled out of the shoulder and headed back to Star's Hollow.
-Will You?-
"You'll be good with water? Do you want me to get you more ibuprofen?"
"No, no, I'm good, thanks for uh... dragging me up," Luke asked, he was seated on the edge of his bed, still in his vomit stained clothing, blushing slightly as Lorelai hovered by him, her arms wrapped tightly around her chest. "I should uh, get in the shower... It's late, you really don't have to stay. I'll be fine."
"Luke you just booted a gallon of bright blue Poweraid and whiskey all over the back alley."
"Wonder what Taylor will say."
"I think your reputation ensures that he won't suspect you."
"Yeah I haven't eaten anything blue since Al's manicotti."
Lorelai smiled wistfully at his comment and moved to sit on the couch.
"Lorelai you really don't have to stay, won't uh Chr-- your uh, I mean, uh, he, wonder where you are?"
"I'm not going anywhere Luke, the bathroom has a door that you can lock if you're afraid I'm going to come in there or something. Go shower, you stink."
"Gee, thanks," He said as he stood and slowly made his way to the bathroom. His head was still spinning but it felt lighter. Better out than in, he thought. When he finally emerged from the shower he realized he had forgotten to take anything into the bathroom to change into. His heart started to pound as he considered his options. Go out there, in his towel or put his puke and sweat stained clothing back on.
Quickly he whipped the door open. "Sorry, sorry. I forgot clothes," he said, blushing, the towel wrapped tightly around his waist, and rushed to rummage in his dresser.
Lorelai turned to look at him, only hearing his words after she stared at his bare chest for a few seconds. A deep crimson blush flushed her cheeks, but Luke was back in the bathroom before she had a chance to look away. She finally realized her mouth was hanging open and wondered if there was drool on her chin.
Luke came out again a minute later in a t-shirt and sweats, a small smile was tugging at his lips when he thought about the reponse he had elicited from her. "So are you planning on sleeping here?" he asked.
"What? Oh, no!" Lorelai said, a little loudly, as she stood and wrapped her arms around her chest. His fists were resting on his hips. "I'm sorry Luke," she uttered quickly as she started to pace around the small apartment.
"Sorry?" he asked, confused, wondering if he was the one that was supposed to be apologizing to her.
She stopped pacing and approached him, she stood a foot from him and stared him straight in the eye. "I messed up. That night I went to Christopher. I'm sorry."
Luke was caught slightly off guard but suddenly felt more sober. "Yeah, I'm, uh ... I'm sorry, too," he told her.
"No, no, let me go first," Lorelai responded, loosening her arms from around her chest.
"Okay," Luke whispered, his voice was deep and calm.
Lorelai blinked rapidly and continued, "I mean I never admitted it to you that it was wrong what I did. It was, and I'm really sorry."
"Okay. Thanks," he responded, a smile tugging at his lips.
She let out a gusty sigh that Luke felt against his flushed skin, before she continued, "I don't know why I didn't say this before."
Luke dropped his gaze and played with his hands, "Ah. You know... I'm sorry, too." He lifted his head and looked her in the eye. "Because ... I don't know, it's just, now that we've been apart I've had a lot of time to think, and I was crazy to think that I had to fix everything in my relationship with April before I could really be with you. I should have gotten your help."
"I wanted to help."
"I know. And I'm sorry. Also, because I kind of used April to push you away."
"You did, huh?" Lorelai's posture mirrored his, and she was also playing with her hands against her abdomen.
"Yeah, I think so. I was afraid, and I'm so sorry."
She sighed gustlily a second time before responding, her eyes squeezed shut, "It's really okay."
In response Luke just exhaled deeply and turned to sit on the couch. "I'm exhausted."
Laughing, Lorelai turned and moved to sit next to him, suddenly feeling lighter.
"Lorelai," he said before thinking, he squeezed his eyes shut when he remembered she had asked him not to say her name. Tentatively he turned to look at her, when he noticed she hadn't reacted negatively, he continued, "I wasn't gonna ask you to do this. I wasn't sure if you would but I still need your help. I mean, I've thought of everyone I could ask, and you were always the one that came out on top."
He buried his face in his hands when he realized what he'd said. "Dirty, I know," Lorelai just laughed and smiled. Luke was rendered momentarily speechless by her smile, trying to remember the last time he'd seen that look on her face.
"Luke?" she prompted after a moment.
"Yeah?" he responded, still lost in thought.
"Ask me to do what?"
"Oh! Anna wants to move to New Mexico with April."
"New Mexico?"
"Anna's mother had major surgery, and she's not doing so well. And Anna wants to be near her, which I get. It's just I'd like to see April on some weekends and vacations. But Anna says no. In fact, right now, she's not letting me see April at all. So, I have to fight for custody, and I'm going to court."
"Wow."
"Yeah, it's a whole thing. I got a lawyer and have to wear a tie. It's not fun"
"It's good you're doing it, though."
"Well, I can't not. You know I can't not do it."
"Right"
"So, anyway, um, the court date is coming up. And I need a character reference. And Liz wrote one, but I read it, and it was sweet, but it was filled with all these weird childhood anecdotes that I probably don't want to share with anyone, much less a court of law. And I need another one, and I just don't know who to go to. And I know it's an awful lot to ask. And if it's weird or whatever…"
"Yes..."
"I mean, I totally understand, after everything."
"Yes."
"But if you could, uh...."
"Yes, I'll do it."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
And then there was silence, Lorelai was lost in Luke's eyes, and Luke was lost in hers. The quiet enveloped them until it was punctuated by the quiet buzz of a vibrating phone. Lorelai shifted and realized it was coming from her pocket, she flipped it out and lifted it to her ear.
"Christopher!" she stated, eyes wide with shock. "It's uh, it's uh ... oh it's three AM? Oh! Yeah, at the inn, yup, lost track of time. Inventory? Oh yeah, yeah that's it, you know me and those fresh white towels, can't get enough of 'em! No no, I'm on my way. No, you don't need to do that. Th-thanks, hon."
Luke sank back into the couch and closed his eyes. His heart was suddenly pounding again in his ears and the nausea started to creep back into his stomach.
"You'll be ok?" she asked as she stood.
"What? Oh, yeah, yeah. Thanks," Luke told her, remembering why she had crossed his path in the first place.
"Luke?"
"Hmmm?" he asked as he opened his eyes. She had reassumed her anxious position with her hands wrapped around her chest.
"You'll be careful?"
"Yeah."
-Sorry Pluto, You've Been Demoted-
It was easy to stay sober. There was a strange quiet feeling that had permeated through Luke, and the days went by a little quicker.
He got to spend Christmas day with a squirming Doula in his arms, his face lighting up every time the little girl managed to smile, burp, or even glance in his direction. Right after the holidays, Luke had dropped off an envelope with his lawyer's information at the Dragonfly, assuring Lorelai that whatever she wrote would be great and that she should just send it in. He really didn't know what he was doing when it came to her, but he the thought of rekindling a friendship made him smile. Internally, he felt a strange calm had washed over him. Maybe it was just the quiet before the storm, or the moment of peace before the custody hearing.
And one late morning after Christmas day, April breezed into the diner, her wacky safety helmet under one arm and a giant duct tape wad of some sort clutched under the other. Luke was so damn happy to see her. He hadn't realized just how much she lit up his life until she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and called him Dad. The giant wad of duct tape concealed a mask that was molded from her face. He hung it on the wall with pride, unable to see just how truly ugly it was.
April excitedly unwrapped her giant gift and Luke felt warmth flood his long cold heart. He wondered if this was what it felt like to be a real Dad on Christmas morning, thoughts of parents spoiling their jam-handed kids with toys started to make a little more sense. One look at April's excited face as she tore the wrapping off of her gift was all it took. Luke wasn't really surprised to find out that April, his little geologist, already had a rock tumbler so he jumped at the chance to take her to her favorite store at the mall.
The mall, a place he previously loathed, was now something he greeted with excitement through the eyes of his daughter. April babbled on about the classification of planets and planetoids when they noticed that all the Pluto merchandise was on clearance. Luke forgot to breathe when he saw Lorelai and Rory standing together at the other side of the store, laden with bags, wearing gaudy Christmas sweaters. When they walked over to greet them, Luke smiled warmly when he caught Lorelai's eye.
"Hey," everyone said almost simultaneously by way of greeting.
"Yeah," Luke started, staring at Lorelai as if he was continuing a prior conversation, shuffling a giant box around in his arms. "April showed up at the diner today out of the blue."
"You make it sound like Pearl Harbor or something," April mused with a confused look on her face, but turned quickly to examine at the pile of microscopes at her side.
"No, I mean it was a surprise, a n-nice surprise," Luke told his daughter before turning towards Lorelai and Rory. "So, hows it going?"
Lorelai took a deep breath, "It's uh, I'm almost done!"
"Done?" Luke asked her confused
"Uh, you're not talking about the letter, you're just asking in general," Lorelai stuttered uncomfortably.
"I meant, how's it going?"
"Good. I'm good. We're good."
"Hey, so I like your sweaters, they're very festive!" April cut in.
Lorelai and Rory explained how they waited to do Christmas together this year and Luke understood immediately. They went on to talk about the silly gifts Luke had given Rory, unicorns and monogrammed towels, and Lorelai smiled fondly, listening to her daughter easily converse with Luke. Rory soon moved to join April in another part of the store, chattering about science kits, microscopes, and Rory's trip to London.
Lorelai moved closer to Luke's side. "So, how are you?" she asked him, staring down at a now obsolete solar system with nine planets.
Luke seemed to have been lost in thought, staring after his daughter with a small smile playing across his face. "Oh," he said quietly. "Fine, fine, I'm fine." He turned to look her in the eye, "I never got to.... Thanks for taking care of me, it meant a lot."
Again with that smile, he thought as her eyes brightened. His heart skipped a beat and he could feel butterflies in his stomach.
"Any time, Luke," she told him. "I mean, don't ever do that again, but I'll be there if you--"
"Dad!" April cut in, rushing to his side in excitement, a giant box clutched in her arms. "I found the microscope I wanted! I didn't think they'd have it, but they do, it was just buried under all the other crappy plastic ones!"
Luke pulled his eyes from Lorelai, took a deep breath and smiled. "That's great sweetie, here lets go take care of these."
As Luke and April turned towards the register, Lorelai and Rory bid their good byes and Luke watched them retreat from the store.
"Hey, Dad?" April asked, noticing his attention was elsewhere.
"Hmm?" he asked, turning towards her and automatically smiling so widely that it crinkled his eyes.
"You miss her?" April inquired, looking up at him, searching his eyes.
Suddenly feeling a little dizzy, Luke stared at his daughter in confusion. Had she read the look on his face? Was there anything reflected back in Lorelai's shy glances? "I...," he had started, but was relieved when the cashier waved them over. "Let's get checked out so I can take you home, kiddo."
-Hair Pin Turn-
It was just one of those days. After dropping April and her bike off in Woodbridge, Luke couldn't bring himself to serve the Stars Hollow denizens in his diner. He checked out mentally and as it seems, he lost control of his legs. He climbed into his truck, and started to drive. The determined driving looked like it took forethought. It was as if Luke drove down dirt roads with purpose, taking turns and changing lanes, pulling in circles around dead ends and milling from time to time over bridges or on the edges of mountains.
To Luke, it seemed as if the road was moving him along in his truck, like a conveyor belt, rather than the other way around. He didn't think he was looking for anything, but he felt like he was finally seeing it all.
He found himself on Route 2, driving through Massachusetts, and crossing the Berkshire mountains from the Franklin county side. There were four signs warning of a hairpin turn and he mused that he had never before seen a hairpin turn, save for whatever mess Wile E. Coyote got himself into on Saturday mornings. There was snow on either side of the road and as luck had it, Winter had shed all the leaves on the trees so the view over the edge of the mountain was clearly visible. Luke found himself wondering if a hairpin turn really was what it had made itself out to be.
Being a cautious man, he slowed as he approached the turn after the last warning sign. He almost lost his breath when he came upon it. The sun was setting and he was alone on the road, he slowed to a halt before completing the nearly 180 degree turn. In the distance a few miles away, snow covered mountains made up the horizon. They sat below a canopy of gold, orange and pink clouds. The sun filtered through the illuminated clouds in light yellow rays and he wondered whistfully for a moment if he was caught up in some evangelical television ad. No, he thought, no this is the real thing. He parked by a small white house that was nestled on the very tip of the hair pin turn and watched the sunset, completely enraptured and oblivious of the change of time.
The sun was gigantic, it's size only grew as it desdended more towards the horizon. Clouds swirled around it, making streaks of color slightly reminiscent of the bands of Jupiter. Above his head, Luke noticed that the sky was slowly going from a light and whistful blue, to a deep, almost purple, navy. The evening stars started to pop up on the darkening horizon and Luke remembered April telling him that Mars was one of those evening stars. When the sun was finally gone, the sky and the stars sparkled, as if no man had ever let a light shine in the evening.
Luke found himself transported to his boyhood - laying on his sleeping bag next to his father, staring up in awe. He learned the constellations, and together they made up their own. Shooting stars embellished by his imagination zipped across the sky as the band of the Milky Way Galaxy made itself more than noticeable. In that moment Luke wanted to be an astronaut again, he wanted to be able to see it all up close. All at once he felt small, he felt large, he felt lucky, enraptured, breathless, wordless, like he was conducting electricity, like everything mattered and nothing mattered. And for that moment, he felt a connection to everything. The universe, the planet, all those crazy people on the surface and everything was... okay. It was like all those hippies finally made sense, even though he'd never admit it.
Suddenly he realized that his toes were cold. He wigged them, and saw his frosty breath as he exhaled in the darkness of the cab of his truck. He didn't know how long he had been sitting there, but chuckled when he heard his stomach rumble. He looked to his side and noticed the lights were on in the small white house to his right and he laughed when he saw the giant sign splayed across the side of this 'house'. The house itself wasn't so small actually, it was a large white colonial two story restaurant with a sign boasting the best food on the famous hair pin turn on Rt. 2.
Luke parked his truck in a proper parking spot and stepped into this restaurant that seemed like a blip in an otherworldly dimension. He heard Lorelai in his head, Very prancing pony. From the dark of the night, he pulled the door open to reveal inviting gold firelight dancing across a worn wooden floor. He smiled at a waitress who waved him over to an old wooden table nestled into a corner by the fire.
There are always good things in life, Luke thought to himself as he rubbed his hands together in front of the fire. I wonder why I keep forgetting about them.
That night, when he finally found his way home, he fell into the welcoming warmth of his bed. He reflected on what he used to do on Wednesday evenings, and nodded off into the first blissful night of sleep he had had in over a year.
--To Whom It May Concern--
It took a lot of fighting, a lot of screaming, a lot of angst and drama; for Luke to get where he was today. He promised himself that he would fight for the things that were due to him, the good things in life that were supposed to make him happy. He vowed to never miss a sunset even if it remotely inspired poetry, that he'd always remember the light in the eyes of his daughter, and that he'd do everything in his power to make her happy, to keep her healthy. If he lost here today, he'd keep fighting. He wouldn't let this overtake him, he'd find it, whatever the hell it was.
But he'd be damned to hell if he sat there and let them talk about him as if he wasn't in the room. Didn't they understand? Didn't the judge see it? He was fighting for his daughter and he was fighting for himself just as much. It was important and for such a... such a fruity reason! A spiritual reason, intangible and unexplainable. It was just a feeling, he knew just because of the way it made him feel. He needed her there, because she helped him see and feel those beautiful things in the world. He need the color that having April in his life gave him.
And then the judge read the letter, the thing he had almost completely forgotten about on his long drive earlier that week.
To Whom it may concern, In the nearly 10 years that I have known Luke Danes, I have come to know him as an honest and decent man. He is also one of the most kind and caring people I have ever met.
I am a single mother and I raised my daughter by myself, but once Luke Danes became my friend in this town, I never really felt alone. Luke and I have had our ups and downs over the years, but through it all, his relationship with my daughter Rory has never changed.
He's always been there for her no matter what. He was there to celebrate her birthdays, he was there cheering her on at her high school graduation. Luke has been a sort of father figure in my daughter's life. With his own daughter, Luke wasn't given the opportunity to be there for her first 12 years, but he should be given that opportunity now. Once Luke Danes is in your life, he's in your life forever.
I know from personal experience what an amazing gift that is and not to allow him access to his daughter would be to seriously deprive her of all this man has to offer and he offers so much.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Lorelai Gilmore
As the judge read the letter Lorelai had written, Luke suddenly felt diaphanous; as if he was about to take flight, like he was just comprised of only light and air. Goosebumps had taken residence up and down his arms and he couldn't help but smile. He wondered if he was blushing because he felt his cheeks burning and wistfully for - only a moment, he wished that Lorelai was there by his side.
He hardly heard a word his lawyer spoke and had to concentrate in order to stay mentally present for the rest of the meeting. All of the harsh words that Anna's lawyer spit out no longer phased him; he had Lorelai Gilmore on his side and he realized what a great thing that really was. And for such a silly reason, he mused, of course he did those things for Lorelai and Rory. He would always be there for them, like there was any other option!
After what seemed like hours in that small room, Luke didn't bother to validate his parking and drove straight home. He felt conflicted. One side of him felt anxious about the judge's answer from the hearing. The other side wanted to float up in the atmosphere like a hot air balloon, replaying the letter Lorelai had written continuously in his head while he looked down from the sky above.
He went back and forth with himself in a strange zombie like trance. All evening as he served his patrons in the diner. Caesar had volunteered to serve that evening so Luke could stay in the kitchen, but soon noticed that every beef patty was cooked far more than well done. Luke managed to work quietly with little to no words. He mixed up almost every order, but the townies knew about his court date and the nervousness he was probably experiencing. Whenever Luke's back was turned they would just surreptitiously swap dishes and cups. The diner stayed packed for some time, most ordering no more than beverages or sweets, as a show of solidarity for the man who was too preoccupied to notice.
Sleep didn't come at all that night for Luke. He went to bed early due to an impending early morning bread delivery, but he was fitful - tossing and turning all night. Every time his thoughts came around to Lorelai, he'd roll over towards his phone and almost get up to grab it. He wanted to call her so badly, to thank her for the letter, to tell her... to tell her that he still loved her too.
Oh, he'd veil it - make up an excuse, just to hear her voice, or to just see how she was doing. He wanted to recount the entire hearing, to hear her opinions, to tell her how much he loved his daughter, and to tell her how important this was to him. He wanted to say that he would always be there for Rory. He'd always be there for them. He needed to tell her that it was okay. That he would be okay. He was dying to know why she was still with him, to tell her he had a right to know. A perverse part of him wanted to start an argument just to see if she would fight back. Anything.
But his excuses sounded too hollow, too embarrassing or too personal, and he was afraid that her husband would answer. At the thought of "her husband" he'd sink back to his bed, reminded of how inappropriate it would be to call a married woman. And then his train of thought would start all over again. He did this until he was sure she was asleep and he couldn't possibly call her and wake her. He blinked and then all of a sudden his alarm was going off.
The bread delivery was handled, the diner set up for the breakfast rush and his own tea was steeped. He sat cradling his mug in his hands at his kitchen table, a now cold piece of toast by his elbow. He stared at the phone, willing it to ring, and ring it did.
He won shared custody. Luke was barely mentally present after his lawyer congratulated him. Once he hung up he forced himself to calmly run through the conversation again in his head. I won? I won! he thought. Bounding up from the table, he grabbed the phone again, and dialed before he knew what he was doing or how early it still was.
"Hello?" her voice came through from the other side, grogginess evident in her voice.
"Hey! I didn't wake you did I?" He started to pace excitedly in his kitchen, his heart starting to pound as he realized he had just called Lorelai.
"Oh no. Hi. No, I'm up," she said, sounding tired and confused.
"I just had to tell you, I won!" he told her, barely containing his elation.
"You, uh, won?"
"It's incedible, I thought I was screwed! It's incredible. I mean, her lawyer dug up every last bit of dirt she could find on me but...."
"Oh. Oh, yeah. Luke, that's great."
"Yeah, the judge waited until this morning to give us her decision. Oh, man, was that the longest night of my life! But, I just got off with my lawyer. I get shared custody," Luke explained quickly, only pausing for air once he was done.
"Wow. Congratulations," Lorelai said quietly, conveying an almost forced enthusiasm. Luke was too hyped to pick up on it at that particular moment.
"Yeah, I get to see April at least one weekend a month, every other major holiday, half the summer. We're gonna work it all out. It's so great."
"So great," she echoed him, a great conservation of words for Lorelai Gilmore.
"Yeah, I guess the judge just took everything into consideration and realized how much I wanted to be in April's life. And, of course, your letter was a big help," he finally admitted, slowing down now, listening for her response.
"Well, I just wanted to help you, help April," her voice was tiny, thin.
"Well, you did, and I'm really grateful. Anyway, uh, sorry to call so early. Thanks again."
"Congratulations," at this Lorelai let out a small catch in her voice, almost a hiccup.
"Lorelai... is everything okay?" Luke asked tentatively, finally picking up on her forced tone.
"F-fine," she stuttered. "Just woke up so...."
Luke noticed her economy of words and the faint stutter. He couldn't hang up now, if he did he'd wonder about her all day. "Lorelai, I finally get to be a parent," Luke revealed in awe, letting the words fall from his mouth without a filter.
"You were already a parent, Luke," Lorelai said, matter-of-factly, almost in a whisper.
"I mean, I always envied you," he confessed, his heart still pounding. "I feel ... I feel like a dad, I mean I did before, but I'm just...."
"You feel like a dad with purpose," Lorelai finished for him softly.
"Yeah," Luke replied, the soft smile returning to his face in that moment. Both sides of the line were silent.
Lorelai let out a deep shaky breath. "I should really go Luke. I'm so happy for you."
And before he could respond, she hung up.
-I'll Always Be Here-
It was such an easy and obvious decision. She had been there for him several times now, even after he had neglected her in their relationship, even after he had shown her that he wanted her to have nothing to do with his daughter. But she was still there for him. She was there when April got sick, when he almost drank himself to death, and then when he almost lost his daughter. Luke had always had such a hard time telling her that he loved her. He thought that his actions would speak volumes. He told her he loved her every time he fixed the porch rail, he told her he loved her when he bought the stupid soccer jersey for her dog, and he told her he loved her when he let her plaster barbie band aids onto his gashed palm.
But still, he couldn't believe how oblivious he had been to her actions. She was letting her actions speak, even if she didn't consciously know what she was doing. Yes, the thought of Lorelai going to another man still hurt. But the truth, was that he knew deep down in his heart that she never stopped loving him.
She showed him without hesitation when she wrote that letter. She showed him without fear when she shoved a radioactive blue drink into his hand. She showed him all the love in her heart when came to check on April. He knew she would keep showing him, and that he would never be able to stop recirprocating. Christopher, that-punk-ass-son-of-a-bitch-good-for-nothing, was nothing. He was less than nothing. Not when it came to him and Lorelai.
He knew Christopher didn't stand a chance once he picked up his game. Luke would do anything for Lorelai, and that meant fighting to win her trust again. He mused that it was like baseball - 80% mental and 20% physical, and he knew that he had Christopher beat in both departments.
When Babbette came running into the diner that morning, grasping her breasts to her chest keep them from bouncing and gasping for air, to tell him that Lorelai's father had another heart attack; he was out that door like a shot. He didn't need to remember Lorelai's father's last heart attack to know how broken up she'd be in that hospital waiting room. He didn't need her to call him to ask him to come. Even if he and Lorelai had still been on the outs with each other, he'd would have been there for her without hesitation. And she for him. That was who he was, that was who they were.
Ironically, or not as they case may be, Luke's father had passed away in that very same hospital. It had changed in the twenty-some-odd years since his passing, but he knew exactly were Lorelai and Rory would be waiting. Sick, disgusting experience, he thought. Still, he was forced to admit that he was glad he had it. It was like a race against time, each step towards the CICU made his heart pound faster and he knew he wouldn't find any relief to his rapid pulse until he saw she was there. He saw her before she saw him, hunched over in a hospital waiting room chair, pushing a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
He had a strange feeling of vertigo and passing through another dimension as he remembered Liz adopting a similar position after their dad had died of a heart attack. He almost took a nose dive straight into the floor trying to right himself from the weird unbalanced feeling. At least, he felt like he almost took a nose dive, to all innocent bystanders he was still fully upright.
The moment the feeling of vertigo passed he heard Emily Gilmore utter with bitterness in her voice, "What's he doing here." Luke was in a place where Emily Gilmore's disdain could not touch him and so he moved forward as if she hadn't said anything, heart still pounding, until he could clearly see the look on Lorelai's face. She was panicked and nervous, and he automatically offered to do anything that he could. All he wanted to do was to alleviate that strange, pained look from her eyes.
It wasn't until he was halfway to New Haven to pick up Richard's car that he realized Christopher hadn't been at the hospital. Suddenly he felt an uncontrollable rage boil up from deep down in his abdomen. If that... that-punk-ass-son-of-a-bitch-good-for-nothing had the nerve to try to take Lorelai from him, he shouldn't be neglecting her. If this man deserved Lorelai, he would have been there in the hospital holding her hand and supporting her, no matter what.
Luke hoped to god that that sorry excuse for a man had a good reason to not be at the hospital supporting his wife and child, otherwise Luke feared he might not be able to control himself once their paths crossed again. And suddenly it all became clear. Her trepidation on the phone the other morning, and Christopher starting the fight with him in the street. They'd been having trouble.
Luke filled the tank with premium on Richard's Jag, changed the oil and washed all the windows. He left the Jaguar in the Gilmore's garage, grabbed a cab back to the hospital, hopped into his truck, and drove back to Star's Hollow to take his anger out on as many food orders as he could imagine that they might want. He knew Lorelai wouldn't have wanted to eat any hospital food, he remembered how hard it had been for her just to find a decent cup of coffee the last time they were at a hospital together. He also knew how happy eating always seemed to make Lorelai and Rory, how eating in mass quantities seemed to be a personal hobby of theirs. He'd do anything to make them happy, at least, for a little while.
He had heard something Emily said about fish, so he made every single fish related item on his menu, regardless of how disgusting they really were or how many years those fish sticks had been sitting at the bottom of his freezer.
And soon, he was back in the CICU waiting room of John Skinner Memorial Hospital, explaining to a nurse about the leaking fish bag. Suddenly goose bumps started to pop up on his upper arms and he knew immediately that Lorelai was approaching.
She seemed genuinely happy, even relieved, to see him standing there. The warmth in her eyes, the smile playing on her lips, and her light banter made him forget most of the cocky, 'I deserve the girl,' machismo he had originally pumped himself up with. But it was okay, because he was happy to just stand there, listen to her talk and laugh, and to look into those bright blue eyes again.
And then he showed up and rather rudely demanded that Lorelai tell him why Luke was there. Luke was reminded, rather harshly, of the anger he had felt just a few hours earlier towards Christopher's lack of concern and he had to ball his hands into fists and remind himself to keep them at his sides. Luke fixed Christopher with a stern look, told Lorelai that he was glad her dad was okay and turned to leave.
And then she was there in the parking lot, grabbing his shoulder, stopping him as she fought to catch her breath. Her face was achingly similar to the one he remembered from seven years prior when she had stood before him in a lime green shirt trying to stop herself from crying.
"Thank you, Luke," she said, before she hiccuped and her face crumpled. Without contemplating his actions, she was in his arms and he was running his hand through her hair, like it was the most natural thing in the world.
"I'm here, I'll always be here," he told her, echoing his own words from years before.
-Lorelai Gilmore-
He'd done the right thing. He'd walked her back to the front entrance of the hospital, telling her that everything was going to be okay by rubbing soothing circles along her back. She'd looked him straight in the eye, smiled, and walked back into the steril light of the front lobby. Not a single word was uttered after Luke's assurance that he'd always be there, but even then, he felt as though they had both spoken volumes.
He ran the entire night through his head as he methodically wiped the tables of the diner down. The smell of bleach stung his nose and the cold of the rag bit into his hand, as he tried to rationalize his actions in his mind. He wanted her back, that was plain as day. He knew his heart would never stop pouding like it did when she was around. But more than that, he knew he could live his life and be happy without her if he had to. And she without him. And he wanted her to be happy, more than he needed to be with her.
He toyed with the idea searching Christopher out and screaming at him, lecturing him to not take Lorelai for granted, to just make her happy. Of course, in helping Lorelai, he'd also enjoy himself by laying a few punches into the creep...
The bells jangled, disturbing his train of thought and staying his hand on the already clean tabletop. When he looked up, she was facing him from the other side with her arms wrapped tightly around her abdomen, and her eyes red and puffy.
"Lorelai?" he asked, dropping the rag and walking around the table to her.
She sniffled and wiped ineffectively at her cheek. She shook her head as if saying no, and sat down in the chair directly to her right. He knelt before her and put a hand on her knee, staring up at her in question.
"I just wanted someone to be there for me," she said, desperately trying to keep from sobbing, but losing out in the end.
"I know," he all but whispered as he stared up at her, imploring her to look into his eyes. When she raised her head and finally met his gaze, she let out a deep sigh.
"We had a big fight, he thinks I'm ... you and me, we're...." she trailed off as she turned to look into the ice cream store.
Luke left out a huge breath, bit back the sudden surge of aggravation he felt at her complaining about her relationship with him to him. He tried to choose his words very carefully. "Did he hurt you?"
"Luke, no," she responded quickly.
Luke rocked back on his heals and groaned as he stood. "Then I don't think I want to hear it," he muttered as he turned towards the counter.
"I'm not here to complain about my marriage," Lorelai told him as she stood as well. She grabbed the rag from the table and brought it over to the counter. Without knowing what to say to her, Luke continued his nightly ritual. He felt her eyes burning into his back as he stacked all the chairs onto the tables one by one and moved to prop the stools on the counter.
"I need to mop the floor," he told her rather curtly, uncomfortable with their silence.
"Luke, I don't know what to do."
"Well, you can by start moving, so I can mop the floor," he said, as he went to the store room to retrieve his mop.
"That's not what I meant," she countered him, aggravation tinging her voice.
"Lorelai, I can't tell you what to do," Luke bellowed, swinging to look at her.
Lorelai gaped at him from his sudden outburst. He took a deep breath, reeling from the wide spectrum of emotions he'd experienced in that one day. This wasn't how he had wanted to win her back, this wasn't how it was supposed to play out. In truth, he had no idea how he wanted to win her back, but he knew he didn't want to do it when she was vulnerable. But there she was, looking at him like he was crazy, holding her sides tightly, waiting for him to say something.
Two strides was all it took to close the distance between them. Her arms slowly drifted to her sides as she stared into his eyes. He leaned forward and took her in a deep, rough kiss, grabbing her upper arms firmly as he pulled her against his body. Before he knew it, her lips had parted, and his tongue was exploring her mouth. Her hands gripped the sides of his shirt tightly, and he slid his hands from her shoulders to around her back. One hand slid through her hair to cradle the back of her neck and reluctantly he pulled back, chest heaving as he gasped for air.
One hand still on the back of her neck, he moved the other to caress her cheek. The pair stood there for a few minutes, gazing into each others eyes, both still trying desperately to catch their breaths.
Finally, Lorelai whispered his name, almost imperceptibly, and stepped back from his arms. Luke felt a strange weight suddenly pressing on his chest as she moved from his grasp, making him feel like he weighed four hundred pounds or more.
His heart started to pound as the words finally came. "I need to be honest with you."
She stared at him and waited. He took in the open blinds on his windows and the lit up town square, he made quick work of the lock on the door and motioned for her to follow him upstairs. He knew that after talking to her that the chances of a kiss like that happening again were minimal, but he wasn't going to take his chances.
They were sitting on the couch, facing each other, only inches separating them. "You know I did a lot of drinking after we broke up," he began. She nodded. "That wasn't all. There were a few women, I mean, I did a lot of dumb stuff Lorelai."
"I slept with four women and uh, did stuff with another.... One of them was really young, one was married, and there was Nicole...."
"Nicole?" Lorelai asked, suddenly perking up in shock, her breath caught in her throat.
"That's not all. There was Rachel too."
Lorelai just gaped at him, at a loss for words. "It was bad, I mean, I was drunk for most of it, and the blow--," Luke gestured to his waist. "I've never been that self-destructive before and you saw the worst of it. I've never been that drunk, not even after my dad died."
Lorelai looked down at her lap and nodded. "I'm not gonna let you dick around with me this time Lorelai," his harsh words cutting through the soft and vulnerable mood he had just created.
Lorelai looked up at him in shock again, still at a complete loss for those words that were supposed to come so easily to her. Anger was still obviously radiating off of him, but he let his feelings be known. "Getting over you was really damn hard." He took off his cap and ran his hand through his hair. "I'm not really sure I've even done it yet," he admitted gruffly.
There was an awkward pause as they stared at each other, but then suddenly she was kissing him. She was in his lap and kissing him, as roughly as he had kissed her just minutes earlier. "What the...." he gasped as she pulled back for a second, before returning to his lips. He grasped her arms and pulled her back again. "Lorelai!"
"Will you just shut up?" She asked, rather angrily, wriggled from his grip and began kissing him again. Luke was helpless, opening his mouth, and groaning as she wasted no time at all. Straddling his hips, she pushed him against the back of the couch, and started to grind against him. When she finally pulled back she was reaching for his belt.
"Lorelai?" he asked again, completely defeated and unable to stop her. She left out a grunt of frustration but finally unclasped his belt. Luke groaned as the button and zipper gave way and his growing erection was granted more freedom. Lorelai caressed him through his worn plaid boxers and he soon lost all the fight and anger he had in him. There she was, on his lap, telling him to shut up and, desperately clawing at his pants.
While Luke was busy concentrating on keeping it together, on not boggling over the fact that Lorelai was once again in close contact with his manhood, she had slipped from his lap to her knees before him. Soon the waistband on his boxers was pulled back, freeing his entire length. Lorelai grasped his erection firmly in one hand and caressed his balls in the other. Slowly, enticingly, she licked the very tip of his shaft while staring up into his eyes. She then kissed it, slowly parted her lips and took him into her mouth.
Luke moaned and reflexively grasped her head, his fingers tangling in her hair. "You feel so, so good," he groaned and trailed off in a whisper. In response to his words, she hummed which sent shivers up and down his spine. "I'm ... I'm," he stuttered, desperately trying to keep from thrusting into her mouth. "I'm gonna come," he said quickly, tightening his grip on her hair. Lorelai hummed her consent and worked her lips and hand faster. Soon he was spurting into her warm mouth and she was quickly swallowing everything he let out. She softly caressed him as he came down and moved back to the couch to huddle into his side.
"This wasn't how it was supposed to happen," he told her, out of breath, suddenly feeling exhausted, one hand draped lazily over her thigh. She just smiled, shook her head and reached to pull his boxers back up.
"Sleep," she told him in a whisper.
"Missed you," he said in response. Lorelai laughed quietly to herself when she heard him begin to snore soon after.
--White Blank Page--
She wasn't there the next morning when he woke on his side on the couch, covered in his mother's old afghan. The events of the day flashed through his mind. Was he really at the hospital less than 24 hours ago? He wondered how the hell Lorelai ended up, well, between his legs, and what the hell it all meant. She left, in typical Lorelai fashion, without explaining any of her actions.
"God dammit!" he said to no one in particular from his spot prone on the couch. "Why do I let her do that to me?" he asked himself. He wasn't referring to that that, but more to the fact that she always had an ability to get him to give in. Eating crap, buying stupid baskets, riding in cold sleighs, remodeling houses and angrily kissing her while she wears another man's ring.
Luke fell into his normal daily routine while running in circles in his mind. While brushing his teeth he contemplated going to her house and demanding her to make up her mind. While in the shower he wondered if he should wait for her to come to him again. While shaving he debated the merits of continuing to pursue a married woman. While getting dressed he asked himself if he really did have the strength to allow Christopher to make her happy. While brewing his tea he wondered if she could possibly be happy with that other man. While toasting his bread he thought about how insistent Lorelai was the night before, about pleasing him all the way to the finish. While unlocking the door of the diner and letting Kirk in, he mused about the great night sleep he had had that evening. While starting up the grill and preparing Kirk's toast he realized he was smiling. He wondered how long that smile had been upon his face, and if Kirk had noticed.
The fact of the matter was that Kirk appeared to not have slept a minute the night before. Luke chuckled to himself as he realized he hadn't really noticed the man when he let him into the diner and prepared his breakfast. Kirk, being very un-Kirk-like, was wearing the previous days clothing, wrinkled and dirty. His hair was reminiscent of stereotypical sex-hair, although Luke didn't contemplate the meaning of that any further. Blood-shot and puffy were Kirk's eyes, his nails filthy and gritty and Luke made a mental note to not get too close to notice his breath.
And there he had it. In Kirk's uncharacteristic appearance that morning, Luke knew what he had to do with Lorelai. As Kirk began to cry, Luke mindlessly handed him a rag soaked lightly in bleach, staring intently at the man once more, but not seeing him at all. Luke's smile grew from a small upturn of his lips to a full on grin, as Kirk noisily blew his nose into the rag, vaguely like an air horn, and rubbed the opposite side over his face.
"Kirk?" Luke asked him with a schooled scowl on his face, barely able to contain his elation at his own epiphany.
"Luke?" Kirk all but sobbed into the rag, still oblivious to Luke's own mood.
"Am I gonna regret asking what the hell happened to you?"
"Mother found dirty pictures of Lulu on my laptop and locked me out."
"Yup, gonna regret it."
