In A Life
2. The Kübler-Ross Model
He'd thought that he'd completed that particular step already. He thought he'd be moving on to the next, toward the 'acceptance' bit. But Kakashi was finding that the second stage of grief wasn't ready to let him go just yet. It lingered, quiescent, until apparently at random, the anger sprang up and forced him to grit his teeth and clench his fists in the attempt to master it.
Stage one: Shock. The shock at seeing his Teammate half-crushed beneath stone had lasted only briefly, spurring him to the futile attempt to shift the boulder. Then he'd moved right along to stage two: anger, and stalled there. He'd been angry, at himself, at Obito, at Rin, at the Iwa-nin. He'd struck the ground, cursed, and- after Obito had gifted his Sharingan onto him- he'd killed.
He remembered the burning rage that had made his blood buzz with adrenaline, that had made that furious snarl swell up in his chest. It had felt so good to kill that damned Iwa shinobi who'd caused that cave-in. He couldn't remember if he'd taken out any of the others before Minato-sensei came.
He hoped he had. Sometimes, when the fury snuck up on him and teased his bloodlust, he wished wholeheartedly that that one Iwa-nin was still alive, so he could have the pleasure of killing him again.
:Obito…:
Perhaps he should be honest with himself and admit that he wanted to kill that enemy over and over because, as good as it had felt to end the Iwa-nin's life, it hadn't been enough. It hadn't brought Obito back. Perhaps he should be honest with himself and admit that he wanted to kill and kill again because he couldn't kill the one person he really wanted to—himself. Perhaps he should admit that he understood, if only a little, his father's actions better.
Kakashi was a little bit of a wreck; his emotions were everywhere, bouncing between his usual collected calmness and the raging fury. The Sharingan that had been Obito's dying gift to him could not be deactivated, and its slow pull on his chakra took a while to get used to. He had to reassess himself physically, to make the appropriate adjustments in his understanding of his limits and abilities. He was in a state of change, in so many ways. It was really no surprise that, after they'd returned (what was left of them) from the Kannabi Bridge mission, Sandaime had temporarily taken him off the active roster.
It was no surprise, but it made him angry. Which was even more evidence that he wasn't mentally fit to handle active duty. He understood that, and his anger made him angry, and he twisted himself up even more in the tangled mess that he had become.
He was angry that he was angry.
He was angry that he'd been such a failure at being a Jounin commander.
He was angry that they hadn't been able to bring Obito's body back to Konoha.
Being angry all the time made him exhausted, combined with the alterations he was having to make in his life to the Sharingan that had replaced his left eye. He waited, struggling to move on to the other stages of grief, desperate to reach that final one: Acceptance. He waited, battling his irrational bouts of rage. He waited, because that was all he could think to do.
