A Strong Fragility Chapter 2

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

"You okay?" John Munch forced Olivia to slide over, allowing for him to sit down next to her in the busy emergency waiting room. He didn't wait for an answer knowing that if he even got one from her it would be traditional Olivia Benson. "Rollins is expected to be okay, got herself a story for the grand kids someday."

"I'm fine, John and I doubt she'll want to tell this one." Olivia barely looked up at her older colleague, but when she did she wondered exactly when it was he became immune to the heartache that so very often was their world.

"She's responsible for saving a few of those kids." John tried to put a spin on the situation that he knew first hand Olivia would reject.

"Then I'm responsible for losing two." Olivia looked John directly in the eyes with her response and dared him to offer yet another explanation.

"Uh, yeah. I think I'm going to give that one to Rossello."

Olivia wiped almost obsessively at the blood that had managed to stain her shirt past the vest. She made no progress with her efforts, but neither her nor John were looking for results. Olivia found the silence between them now to be necessary as well as comforting. John stilled her movements by simply placing his hand over hers. Only then did she realize she was quickly losing control.

"John, it never ends." Olivia struggled to keep her voice free of emotion, but her passion for the victims wasn't a secret to anyone close to her. "I thought taking the promotion would somehow put me on the outside looking in. That somehow I could be more objective, maybe a little less connected somehow."

"A title doesn't change who you are. At least it shouldn't." John lowered his glasses so that Olivia could see his eyes plainly. "They say your job doesn't define you, but we know damn right well that it does. At least for us it does."

Olivia shook her head slightly knowing her life revolved around her career, her job, the victims, the children. "Sometimes, I think I feel too much, you know. Maybe if I didn't, then I'd be better able to handle situations like these."

"Nobody expects you to handle any situation any certain way and certainly becoming a Sargent doesn't afford you the ability to look the other way." John waited until Olivia looked up at him, her eyes filling with tears. "Sargent Benson, Detective Benson, does it matter, Liv? You're hurting because you witnessed those kids die needlessly. We get to see the worst life has to offer up close and personal and the best part is, we signed up for it."

"Yeah, I can always walk away." Olivia lost her battle against her emotions as a few tears broke free. She quickly wiped them away for fear she would have to admit she was dangerously close to breaking down. Breaking down and falling apart.

"No, you can't. If you could, you would have by now." John pushed his glasses back up, the dark shades hiding his eyes, shielding his true emotions.

Olivia both clung to that fact that she couldn't ever leave the SVU and despised the fact that she probably never would. After thirteen years in the unit she expected she'd be a bit more jaded, a little less empathetic and at least slightly less obsessed with justice. She continues to ask why but accepts there will never be an answer that is acceptable, just accepted.

"Rollins will be looking to you for the right way to handle this. There is no right way, but still you'll be expected to provide it." John's voice pulled Olivia's attention from the media as they had managed to make it into the hospital. They were most likely looking for her or any of those involved that would be willing to explain what it was like to witness the shooting death of two children...on camera. Olivia wasn't interested in ratings wars amongst the city's main broadcasting stations. She wasn't interested in talking on or off camera. She was interested in putting this day behind her and considering what was ahead of her she knew that wouldn't be anytime soon.

John Munch stood and addressed the reporter closest to them giving Olivia the smallest opportunity to duck out behind him. She recognized John's strategy and took full advantage leaving her long-time colleague to keep the wolves at bay.

Olivia stood against the back wall of the small room where Amanda Rollins had yet to awake from surgery. She stared at the young detective, eager to impress, eager to make a difference. She supposed they all were like that, at least in the beginning. She felt a sense of guilt, albeit misplaced. Rollins knows the dangers of the job; she accepted that when she first decided to join the force and she survived it up until making detective. Then she, like herself had chosen the SVU where things like this happen. They just do and all you can do is deal with it and then move on for tomorrow there will be another rapist, another broken woman, another dead child. They chose to fight this brand of monster and there are times where the cost is greater than the reward.

"Olivia?" Rollins' voice was weak, but she needed answers. That much was evident as she forced herself fully awake once noticing Olivia's presence.

"We got all but two out. He killed them, a boy and a girl." Olivia knew better than to sugarcoat. Rollins deserved better than that and there really was no real purpose for sparing the reality of what they faced daily. Olivia continued despite Rollins closing her off by closing her eyes. "Roy Rossello was a pedophile rapist Elliot and I put away years ago. He raped his daughter, abused his son and we stopped him. Same story, good behavior, overcrowding. He's out in twelve and wants his kids back."

"I tried, Olivia. They sent me in thinking I would do, but he asked for you."

"He wanted his kids, but I think he knew that wouldn't happen. He also knew that he would accept revenge and innocent children were involved. The little girl died in my arms." Olivia's voice broke just a bit before she took a few steps closer to Amanda. "I'm sure there will be mandatory psych evaluations back at the house once I leave here."

"I'm sorry." Amanda hated seeing Olivia suffer in any way and the fact that she fought against a show of emotion only caused Amanda to hurt more for her.

Olivia pulled up a chair and took a few minutes to gather her thoughts. Rollins didn't move for fear of breaking the older detective's concentration and she was sure what Olivia had to say would be more than worth hearing.

"Abraham O'fion. It was an alias, of course. Eugene Hoff was his name and he was the leader of a cult he created to save weak and vulnerable women and children. He fit Huang's profile perfectly, an incestuous pedophile. His children were having his children. We caught the case when a twelve year old girl named Melanie was brought to the hospital, pregnant. She gave me the location of where to find her 'husband' and when I arrived he refused to step out and talk to me. There were children present and it was obvious Abraham wasn't going to be cooperative. I called for backup and shortly thereafter shots rang out. We entered only to find every one of the children in the house had been shot and killed and Abraham was gone." Olivia had been speaking with her eyes barely open, but now opened them fully to see Amanda staring her down. "I have never forgotten one inch of that scene. Those children, a few babies, are always in my head, my memory. It's been nearly eight years now."

"Liv..." Amanda had no clue what to say but felt the need to say something. She stopped when Olivia got to her feet, pacing always seemed to help.

"We were all made to go through psych evaluations and Fin opted to step away and take a few days. Elliot was sent home, he was given the line that he required something ongoing. Maybe he did. I thought for sure I would be sent as well because I couldn't hold it together. Ironically, Munch and I were left to work the case." Olivia turned to face Amanda. "We worked it, found Abraham, found Melanie after Abraham took her from the hospital. Abraham was killed by Melanie, it's all in the case files and reports if you're interested in the details. What isn't in the reports is this part, Rollins. You get your head shrunk, you accept what you cannot change and eventually believe you did the best you could and once given the okay, you move on. If you're lucky you don't revisit the scene unless something or someone takes you back."

"Liv, I get it." Rollins continued to watch Olivia as she struggled to stay in control.

"Okay. I'm here you know. If you need or want me to be. If you want to vent or...vent." Olivia headed for the door only to turn back to look at Rollins. "You did good today, Detective."

The memories from eight years ago, Abraham, Melanie and those children were all so very fresh now as Olivia leaned up against the door to Rollins' room. Her mind showed her images of Raul Rossello only to interchange them with her memories of Eugene Hoff. She held her breath, praying she wouldn't see those kids but knowing it was inevitable. She knew she'd be expected to have her head shrunk; it was procedure, perhaps it was also necessary. She could almost hear Huang's voice as she fought to keep her mind in the present.

"How are you feeling now?"

"I don't know."

"This was an extremely traumatic event, Liv. The grief that you're feeling is completely natural."

"I know that."

"But you feel like you shouldn't be feeling anything. Is that how you feel?"

"I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it."

"But you are...by acknowledging that it affects you. That's the way you handle something traumatic."

"Well, I guess the real problem is that I'm afraid that...that it's not working."

Olivia blinked hard to avoid the tears that threatened. Her conversation with Huang, her evaluation, merely kept her on the case that day. Feeling grief was natural, Huang had said. It was actually disabling and Olivia could only wonder how much longer she would be able to push the grief down far enough to function. The way she saw it, Rollins was lucky for she had a physical issue to contend with. A gunshot wound would always take precedence over emotional trauma, at least at first.

"Ma'am? Are you okay?" Olivia forced a smile to the well meaning nurse who noticed her as she dropped to one knee. The air was easier to breathe when she didn't try to stand tall, didn't put on the brave face, didn't try to prove to everyone and anyone that she was strong enough to handle the worst life had to offer.

"I'm fine." Traditional Olivia Benson.

"It's interesting that you're in here with me alone. Do you like putting yourself in dangerous situations?"

"You consider yourself dangerous?"

"No, but you don't know that. I wonder what attracts you to such a dangerous job. What makes you do it?"

"Rapists and pedophiles like you."

"So, it's not just about arresting criminals. It's about those specific criminals. You're drawn to this. Why? Were you raped?"

"Tell me where Melanie is."

"How can you stand it? How can you invite this depravity into your mind, your body, your soul? It will kill you. Every horror, every torment afflicts your body like a cancer. It's devouring you and you can't see it. Open your eyes."

"You know, I thought that you were just another con artist, seeking out people who were starved for anything that would give them meaning in their life. They're easy marks. You talk about God, the apocalypse, so they'll give you all of their money, but your much more pathetic than that. You actually believe your own hype. You've conned yourself."

Olivia got to her feet, took a deep breath and decided she would call it a day. Cragen told her to do as much for tomorrow would come soon enough. She would sit down with psych services and discuss Roy Rossello. She would talk about those children and how their deaths affected her. She would show the proper amount of emotion so that she wouldn't be grounded and she would stand up straight as she was handed yet another case. There would always be another case, another rapist, pedophile or sociopath to fill her head with the images she would fight for years to come. Abraham O'fion asked why she did it. Why was she drawn to this? Maybe tomorrow she'd have that answer or maybe she'd give the expected response for her position. Either way, she would have to accept what was and that was that she failed to save those two kids. She did all she could do and that would have to be good enough. She knew eventually, accepting that her best just wasn't good enough wasn't going to be enough for her.

John Munch continued to speak to the press. He wasn't saying anything they wanted to hear, and that was his plan all along. He smirked at Olivia as she slid out the door unnoticed by the reporters that wanted something to air that evening. John would run interference for her for he understood what she was dealing with better than maybe even she gave him credit for. It was okay, he was happy to play spokesperson until they realized how he had managed to talk for nearly thirty minutes without saying a word about what happened in that school cafeteria. Tomorrow he'd talk with Olivia and make sure she was good. Tomorrow would come soon enough and they'd be expected to put these children away and move on to the next. John had no doubt that Olivia would do just that. Tomorrow.