Thanks so much for the awesome reviews, you guys! I just hope this chapter is up to standards with the last… Also, just to let you know, I made an image for this story. The link is on my profile. I decided that this story will most likely have alternating POVs. So enjoy Ellie this time around!
Chapter 2
Ellie
Why am I doing this?
Because I love him? Oh, Ellie, don't go telling yourself that. It'll just get worse. I can't still love Craig. That'd be stupid. Why? Because… it just would, okay?
I gave up my dreams for him, for my daughter. I guess most mothers do, but most mothers don't get pregnant from a coke addict rock star (okay, maybe some. I'm not doing a survey or anything). I know I'm the one who shut him out, but what was I suppose to say exactly? "I'm pregnant. Come back for me. Give up your entire life so we can both be unhappy!" Well, I'm not that unhappy, but why should Craig have to give up his dreams like I did? He's not the one tied down. That's the mom's job. And I told myself since the day I bought the pregnancy test that if this really happened, I wasn't going to be like my mother. I was going to be a good mom, and I wasn't going to make my kid go through what I did.
Am I a good mom? I've been keeping Craig a secret from Holly ever since she was old enough to ask questions. She used to ask me every day, "Who's my daddy?" and I'd just tell her I didn't know. Now that she's older, she'll ask just to bug me. Usually I tell her he's Spiderman or working for the FBI. Imagine Craig working for the FBI. That always makes me laugh. I just never knew how to tell her. I felt like I couldn't tell her. "Yeah. Your dad's a famous rockstar. And he's addicted to cocaine. I got pregnant with you when he was high, and the only time he ever said he loved me was just to get more drugs!" I'm sure that'd go over wonderfully.
I didn't even tell my friends that Holly's father is Craig. Marco guessed it the minute he found the pregnancy test in the trash (why he was going through the trash, I'll never know). I never told Ashley, but I think she knows by Holly's smile. Jimmy still plays the guessing game with me, and Paige has officially stopped trying. As for everyone else (yes, I know, such a wide circle of friends), I assume that they don't have a clue. My own parents don't even know. And I hope that most people never find out.
And just to make me feel like even more of an idiot, Craig's coming over today. Since I'm so brilliant, I'm giving him a second chance. I wonder how Holly will react when she sees Craig Manning at her house. Maybe she won't even wake up. She did get home late last night…
I sigh to myself, and roll over in my bed. My cell phone says it's only seven, and I already have a message from Marco asking what Holly will want for a birthday present. That's right, her birthday is only a few weeks away… Maybe I can stuff Craig in a box and give him to her. That's just what I need, Craig in his current state influencing my daughter. Our daughter. That's going to take some time to get used to…
"Mom!" Holly says from the bedroom door, "Did you eat my Pop-Tarts?"
"What?" I ask, sitting up, squinting in the light, "Shouldn't you be sleeping, Hol?"
"I'm going back to bed. I just need a Pop-Tart. Did you eat them?"
I'll never fully understand my daughter's mind. Eating sugar and then sleeping doesn't make much sense to me. Of course, I didn't exactly have a normal childhood, so how should I know?
"I think Marco did. When we were playing cards yesterday."
Marco is a frequent visitor in our humble abode. He's single, although looking for dates. His life alone gets pretty lonely, so I guess he enjoys spending time with us. He's like Holly's uncle. Whenever I need a break, he's always more than willing to take her off my hands. I'm not sure what I'd do without him and his ideas. People have no idea how tragically a bored thirteen year old can effect your schedule.
"Can I call him and complain?"
"Sure. Go for it."
She smiles at me and leaves the room, her red ponytail bouncing behind her.
I've never regretted keeping Holly. And I don't blame any of my life on her, or even on Craig. I mostly blame myself, for being so stupid. All I wanted was for him to love me back. I guess I got my wish, with a kid to boot. I shouldn't have to get Craig to love me by letting him have drugs, or sleeping with him… Of course, he says he always loved me. I'm just having a hard time buying it. If he ever loved me, then why'd he do all the things he did? Why'd he choose Manny over me, choose drugs over me? And if I ever really loved him, why didn't I fight for it?
I listen to Holly yell at Marco, and hear the phone click, her footsteps fading away. Poor Marco. When someone finishes any of Holly's food she has claimed and forgets to buy more, no one is free from her wrath, including me.
I decide to make some progress and go into the kitchen to make some coffee. I bring my cell phone with me, and dial Marco's number. I need to talk to someone other than myself, or I'm afraid that my brain might explode.
"Morning, El."
"Why do you leave messages on my phone at five thirty in the morning?"
"I woke up early today. Sue me. So, what should I get her?"
"Pop-Tarts," I say, and laugh, causing me to spill some coffee on the counter.
"Yeah, she just called me about that…"
"When you eat things and there isn't any left, Marco, put it on the grocery list."
"I'm sorry. I just can't grasp the concept."
"It's not a very hard concept to grasp," I pause so I can turn the coffee maker on and sit down at the table.
"So what should I get her? Please, El, I'm dying."
"I don't know. What do fourteen year olds like?"
"Come on, Mom! You should know your daughter better than this!"
What does he want from me? I'm not psychic.
"Well… she has a new thing for the Beatles."
"The Beatles? Definitely not her style."
"I know. But the minute she heard 'I Am The Walrus', she was hooked. She's fascinated that they wrote all their songs when they were high and still managed to be mega famous."
"But… they're even before our time."
"Oh, come on! You never listened to them?"
"Okay, maybe once or twice… but only when 'Helter Skelter' was stuck in my head."
"I always liked 'With A Little Help From my Friends' myself," I say, and being singing, "I get by with a little help from my friends."
"I get high with a little help from my friends," Marco sings, and starts laughing, "I've got a good one for you. I'm sitting back here in Vancouver, just wishing for my Toronto lights…"
"Marco, shut up! That isn't even the Beatles!"
"You're just mad because it's about you. We're all so jealous, Miss. Nash."
"Shut. Up." I growl.
"Speaking of Craig, how was Holly's concert last night?"
"I don't know. She went back to sleep. But Craig did call me last night…"
"What?! And you've had me singing Beatles songs all this time?! How did it happen? Why?! Did you confess your undying love?! Was he freaked out cause he's a dad?! Does he even know?! Do-"
"Marco! Just stop! Holly got his autograph after the show, and he recognized her, I guess. She told him who I was, so he called me. He was mad that I never told him, but he's over it, I think. And there's no 'undying love' involved."
"Sure," Marco scoffs, and I can almost hear him rolling his eyes, "So what's gonna happen now?"
"He's coming over today."
"Eleanor Nash! You wait till now to tell me this?!"
"Well, you were the one asking me about Holly's birthday, and-"
"Are you seriously going to talk to him?! I bet before he leaves you guys end up making out."
"No way."
"Uh, yes way. Ten bucks."
"Plus coffee at The Dot?"
"Sure."
"You're that sure of yourself?" I ask him.
"Unless I don't know my best friend anymore, which I believe I do, I am very sure of myself, Eleanor."
I scowl at the newspaper in front of me, and hold the phone tighter. Marco honestly thinks I'm that weak. I have no undying love for Craig. What's that suppose to mean, anyway? Craig doesn't mean anything to me anymore… Of course not.
Maybe I'm a little afraid of what I'll do once I see him in person. But I'm not telling Marco that.
"So what am I suppose to do?"
"Confess your undying love. Make out so I get ten bucks."
"I'm serious. And there's no undying love!"
"You're in denial!" he sings. I groan, and he gets serious, "I don't know, Ellie. Talk to him? Tell him why you kept Holly a secret for almost fourteen years? I can't really help. It's your call."
"I don't know if I can do this…"
"You'll be fine, El. Trust me."
Doesn't he know I suck at trusting people? I sigh into the phone, "I have to go Marco."
"Go get ready for your date, El!"
"It's not a date!"
"Sure it isn't. And I'm not gay. Kinda like how the sky isn't blue and how fish can breathe air."
"You're such an idiot."
"Thank you, Ellie. I'm touched. Really, I am. Bye."
I shut the phone off and growl again. No matter what Marco says, he's wrong. He has to be wrong. If he's right, then that just screws up my whole theory that I don't love Craig anymore. I can't love him anymore.
I don't think anyone understands how complicated it is. With attitudes like Marco's, I'm sure of it. The thing is, Craig got me pregnant. Now, I take half the responsibility in that, but he got me pregnant and then I was alone. I was alone and stubborn and I wouldn't call him. I didn't want to call him. Really, think about it. He had broken my heart multiple times, had chosen drugs over me, and wasn't a person I felt like trusting at the moment. I thought about calling him after Holly was born, but then I found out that he was still an addict. He never went to rehab. And that was pretty much enough to turn me off from ever speaking to him again. I knew what addictions were like and I knew it was always better if you got help. So pretty much everything about Craig was erased from my mind. Except for, you know, when they put up a giant billboard of him by the Civic Center. Then there was really no avoiding it.
Once my coffee is ready and I have a cup, I take a shower and try to make myself look presentable. I don't know why I feel like I need to look so great for Craig. He's just Craig. Except inside, I know he's not "just Craig". But I'm not going to admit it anytime soon. Because then I'd have to face reality. And that's never any fun, especially involving boys. You should've seen me after Sean left. But that's not the point. There is no point, because it's just Craig.
In the words of Marco, "You're in denial."
Of course, if he was here, I'd tell him to shut up and some more unpleasant things if Holly wasn't within earshot. But Marco's not here and I'm not in denial, so we have no problems. It's just Craig.
As I'm finishing up brushing my teeth, the doorbell rings.
Crap. Crap, crap, crap! I'm honestly not fooling anyone, am I? Because it's not just Craig, and I'm so in denial, and he's standing on my front porch!
Of course, it could be the UPS guy. Or maybe a kidnapper. Maybe my mom's visiting. Of course, this is a bunch of shit, but anything to distract myself from the truth. Anything.
As I open the door, the Truth punches me in the gut. Cause there's Craig standing on my doorstep, waiting to be let inside.
"Hey, El."
Damn it. Marco just might win the bet.
There you go! I really hope you liked it! Sorry for Marco and Ellie's very long/most likely annoying phone conversation involving the Beatles. I listen to the Across the Universe soundtrack when I write… I couldn't help it! J (Across the Universe is a movie will all Beatles songs. I want a real Beatles CD, but I'm broke right now)
Review please! I don't know when the next chapter will be up, but I hope it'll be in under two weeks! - Molly
