Not surprisingly Daryl was the first to wake up the next morning at the first light of day. He groaned as he pushed himself off the concrete. He paused mid action as he looked down at Rick's sleeping face. Even in this fucked up world around them it was almost unnatural to see something so peaceful. Dried blood adorned his face from the night before, his bottom lip twitched just barely in his sleep. He thought of waking him but figured this might be the first good sleep the sheriff has had in a long time, he had no right to take that away from someone.
He slowly lowered back down into a sitting position, legs crossed in front of him as his eyes darted wildly around, absorbing all of his surroundings. It was dead quiet, no sign of walkers immediately outside, the only sound was of Rick's soft breathing. There was a tension in his shoulders he couldn't quite shake as he looked back down. He reached out cautiously and brushed a small piece of hair out of Rick's face then slowly brought it down along his cheek, sliding against the stubble on his face and resting there for a second.
He wondered dully if Rick would even care that he was touching him, maybe he would just be disgusted. He felt something slowly changing in him though, previously he'd never have interest in touching someone. It was as if he was trying to memorize his face, taking in all of it's features to their fullest, knowing one day he would cease to exist.
Rick suddenly took a deep breath in, causing Daryl to jump back quickly, snatching his hand away as if he was embarrassed by his actions. Rick stretched, groaning as he rolled over on the concrete to push himself up. They both wordlessly collected their bags and weapons, both knowing they had to return to the prison, their false 'home'. Daryl knew he could never find any place in the world anymore that felt normal and maybe he got along with Rick so well because he saw that he also felt somewhat the same. They loaded up the small compact car they brought along for the trip and began their ride back.
Daryl constantly surveyed the land for walkers, even at full speed in the car, through the empty fields and rubbled towns. He felt the silence creeping in more and more, even with his head turned he could feel Rick's eyes on him.
"Thanks for taggin' along on this run." Rick broke the silence but only recieved a shrug in response as Daryl continued to watch out the window. He hesitated for a moment as if wanting to say something important. "You've been awful quiet lately."
"You've been watchin' me an awful lot lately." His retort was tinged with malice.
"I just care about you is all."
Daryl took the comment with a grain of salt.
"Can I stop by your cell tonight? I have a uhh... well kind of a surprise I guess."
Daryl wanted to say yes almost out of pure curiosity but his gut also told him to say no, it told him not to get close to anyone. He didn't really like surprises anyway. Maybe he'd followed Rick a little too loyally before without really expressing his thoughts and that's why he had the wrong impression of him. Maybe he'd have to show Rick exactly how much he didn't want to be a part of anyone's life or interest.
He thought again about how much he'd been stared at lately, how uncomfortable it made him. How naked it made him feel. Maybe this was his chance to break Rick's expectations of him down. Disregarding what the sheriff had said to him he continued on.
" 's funny how ya only started starin' at me after Lori died."
He felt the effect of his words as the car slightly slowed it's speed, he saw the small clench of Rick's jaw. 'Nailed it.' He thought bitterly, he suspected Rick's change in attitude towards him was just seeking comfort after the loss of his wife, his actions now were only a confirmation.
Rick's mood shifted, his voice darkened as his hand tightened on the wheel. "You got somethin' you need to say to me?"
"C'mon man I ain't stupid, I see the way you look at me when you think I don't. Lookin' at me like a damn perv."
The car braked suddenly, tires squealing on concrete loud enough to lead all the walkers in a five mile radius to them. It took Daryl by surprise as he had to catch himself from smashing into the dash with his hand. He knew this was it, he'd force Rick to tell him how he looked to Daryl for some sort of fucked up emotional replacement. He'd seen it in his eyes ever since Rick learned what Shane did. He saw it even more when Lori died.
The scary and confusing part was that Daryl somehow caught himself staring more also, unable to control the warm feeling that caught in his throat like a flame, it flickered and dulled over and over. He hated how interested he was in Rick, he absolutely wanted to crush it right then and there. He couldn't get his own hopes up like he had before the apocalypse, he despised the fact that he might have even liked how many times he caught Rick staring.
Rick took a deep breath in through his nose and exhaled slowly. He expected some sort of spiteful response, maybe even a swift punch to the face with the look of murder Rick was exhuming. Instead he was caught off guard even more when Rick calmed his voice. "Is that the impression you have of me?"
" 's what I know."
"And how about the looks you've been giving me? The way you touched my face this morning?"
Daryl flinched, lowering his head in a shameful manner. He felt himself shutting down completely, he had no argument for his own actions. He only really wanted this argument as a confirmation that maybe Rick hadn't been thinking of him that way, or if he had it didn't mean anything, but he only felt more confused and defeated. He couldn't answer. He jumped when he felt the back of Rick's fingers brush against his own cheek.
"I guess maybe I owe you an apology, I don't want to give you the impression that i'm looking for a replacement for Lori. I didn't think i'd done much to warrant those thoughts but if I did it wasn't intentional. This world's just lonely, is it wrong to seek to comfort or love or even hope?"
Daryl still refused to answer, his mind raced, he needed to step out of the car and take a breath of fresh air. He flung the door open, jumping out quickly while trying to process the conversation at hand. Rick really was looking at him, he really was thinking about him, right? He felt a tension in his gut that he couldn't shake. He heard Rick get out of the car also, frenzied footsteps shuffling towards him.
"Which one is it that you want from me then?" Daryl spat, turning to face Rick. "Comfort? Hope? Love?" He felt his voice crack, he knew no one would ever seek him for love, he didn't even know if he was capable of love. Of course the obvious answer was comfort, a cheap replacement for what Rick once had. He saw the pained expression on Rick's face, deeply furrowed eyebrows, frown down turned as if in pain. Daryl knew he didn't need a response, maybe he inwardly didn't want one, for once he acted on his own selfish desires.
He knew what he wanted at that moment, what his throat and stomach had been telling him for a while. As Rick stood in silence Daryl shoved him with more force than intended against the side of the small car with a loud 'thump'. He already made up his mind before this moment even happened that if he could briefly satisfy Rick then this tension would all be over. After all he was only about to cave into what Rick had been wanting and silently asking for, right?
Daryl pinned Rick to the car with his arm, holding him there with all the strength he had. He saw glimmer of fear in his eyes fading, pupils expanding as Daryl used his free hand to unbuckle his belt.
"Dary-..."
Daryl quickly and roughly covered Rick's mouth with the hand he was using to pin him to the car, silencing him. 'Shut up.' He thought, 'You wanted this.' His hand slipped past the waistband of Rick's boxer briefs. He felt explosions in the pit of his stomach, fireworks reverberating in his mind. Rick was already hard as he wrapped his fingers around him. Rick's eyes slammed shut as he let out a loud raspy moan against his hand. He ran his fingers over the tip which was already slicked with pre cum. He bit back the urge to slide his tongue against Rick's exposed neck. He reveled in how submissive the man became in his hand.
He stroked him quickly and roughly, without compassion, completely dominating the man that was now gasping uncontrollably against his hand. He wanted to give in and lose himself in the moment, he wanted to actually feel something for once, but the nagging thought of being some cheap replacement still remained at the forefront of his mind. But if it was for Rick he already made up his mind to do anything for him, he'd follow him to the ends of the rotten Earth they lived on, he'd give up his body and pride to satisfy him. Almost as quickly as his assault started it was over, Rick half shouted, biting down on the palm of his hand as he finished in his own pants.
He felt the sting from the bite as he removed both of his hands from the man, wiping them on his own pants. What caught him off guard was Rick suddenly stepping forward, he could feel his hot breath against his lips as they almost touched. He jumped back quickly, turning up his upper lip at him. He felt Rick's hand grope between his legs but he was only half hard, he only wanted to do this for Rick, he knew it was nothing mutual yet he wasn't prepared for the grope. He noted the look of disappointment on Rick's face. He could have laughed looking back on his past, how he somehow found himself in yet another sexual encounter years later in life when he was too nervous to get it up. He turned to walk away and froze when his arm was grabbed.
"Wait, please." Once again Rick leaned forward towards his lips, and once more Daryl shoved him back, with more force and disdain this time.
"Ain't nobody's bitch." He could have killed Rick with the look he gave him. He didn't want to give him the wrong impression, he didn't want Rick to develop disillusioned feelings based on a spontaneous encounter. He stepped around him, leaving him slumped against the back door of the car as he sat back in the vehicle, slouching down in the passengers seat and slamming the door hard enough to make Rick jump. He watched him slump against the car and stumble a bit before making his way back to the driver's seat. He wanted to remember Rick's face in that moment, after being ravished, cheeks still red and eyes darkened. He also wanted to crawl into a hole and hide knowing he took advantage of a friend, and let a friend take advantage of him.
The ride back to the prison was silent and awkward. Mostly awkward. They both unpacked and pretended as if nothing had happened between them. Nobody even seemed to notice that they were no longer constantly watching each other, that they didn't sit down to eat together that night like they usually did. Daryl resigned himself to his dark cell, not bothering to even light a candle but finding comfort in the darkness. He wondered dully what Rick's surprise would have been that night. He felt his chest tighten as his actions finally caught up to him. He couldn't explain why he felt like crying. He knew his feelings were merely a product of his environment, that outside of this dead world they wouldn't have even been friends, this world tricked them into some sort of artificial feelings of attachment for one another. He could never really love Rick... right?
Short chapter but I had to get some of the Rickyl tension out of the way early so I can build more on their emotions in the next few chapters. Excuse any grammatical errors or typos, I had to write this quickly before starting my work week back up!
As always please review.
